Thursday, May 25, 2006

By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

All furniture owners looking to sell couches need to be ready to answer this questionaire upon buyers request.

1. How many times per week, do you sit naked on the couch?

2. If yes, to #1, how many times unbathed was your naked tail?

3. How many whole-naked sexings has your couch endured?

4. If yes to #3, how many spunk marks?

5. If #4 is applicable, how were the spunk marks removed, leather need not apply.

6. Does the couch retain a smell? Please describe, good or bad, and exact reminence.

7. Has a prior owner or operator of the couch worn a jheri curl, leather less than 5 years old need not apply if treated with Armor-All.

This knowledge has been brought to you by the "Duttweiler Foundation" also in part by Jimmy's Funeral Service and Margarite and the Step-Mother's Band

Monday, May 15, 2006

"Look, a Bent...Oh, it's just another 300"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

"It's cool to have a Bentley, I want a Bentley." (c) Cee-Lo Green

Aight, this needs to be said once and for all. I need to address the Chrysler 300 phenomenom. That is NOT a Bentley dog! I repeat, your Chrysler 300 is not a Bentley.

I know they let you customize your new 300. Your got the 20's shining. You got the chrome mesh grill. You got a chrome gas cap and door handles. Leather heated seats. 10 disc CD changer. That's fantastic. I'm really happy for you but I'm not impressed. You know why? Because at the end of the day, you still riding in a Chrysler. Yup, the father of the Dodge.In case you didn't know Chrysler makes some terrible automobiles. It might look good, but let me see your maintenance bill in 3 years. I dare you. And another thing, how them joints only come in like 4 colors? Cream, white, black, and silver.(That mayonnaise colored "miracle whip" (c) Kanye is the most prevalent in the streets these days.)

You are driving a fake Bentley. You are worse than these broads buying Louis Vuitton purses for $35 from the Africans on K St. You bought a bootleg Bentley. That's like buying a pleather MCM outfit in 2006. That's like buying a cubic zirconium for your girl's engagement ring. Thinking to yourself, "If I drive fast enough, it'll look like a real Bentley."

Like faux fur, you got a faux Bentley. So the next time you roll up on me at a light leaning hard with your window rolled down half-way looking at me like you riding a big boy car, DON'T. I'm leaning in my 'Lac because anything less would be uncivilized, you leaning in a CHRYSLER is just uncouth.