Monday, March 13, 2006

Sal's Corner
"PUT ME IN COACH"


Amateur athletics has been a major part of the inner-city members of the African-American society for over 50 years. Many of our most athletic boys and girls have grown up and become world-class athletes. And for a portion of our young community, the lack of father figures in the household led our youth to look towards outside influences to be the main figures of fatherhood in their lives. Some looked to men in the church, others looked to drug dealers, neighbors and of course.....COACHES. Coaches are great figures for how to be "stand-up" men and women. But, this isn't easy. So as a parent, when a coach comes to your home to recruit your son or daughter, you have to know they are going to be hard on your child to bring the best out of them. Today we will look at some coaches that could come to your house to recruit your child. Also we will learn what to expect from these coaches.

Disclaimer: The following comments are not directly related to the actual persons being shown below. This is just a glance at what these coaches could be based on their looks and outward attitude.




RAY RHODES

This is a man of CHARACTER. Your son or daughter is in good hands with a man like this. Sure they might break a bone in his presence and not be hospitalized but if you can play on one leg, you can surely play on two. This is NOT the coach for your child if you oppose to a lil smoking and tobacco use in the presence of your kid. As for praying before a game........."God aint never been in a 4th & Goal situation". This isn't something that would surprise me to hear Coach Rhodes say either. Expect your child to be exposed to "snuff", brown liquor and high rolling dice games. Not purposely but those "extra" guys that aren't apart of the official coaching staff always seem to exploit and corrupt your kids. Look out for those guys in the lawn chairs with the hawaiian shirts and soft slacks.



MAURICE CHEEKS

"See Mrs. Jenkins...you gotta realize...the schoolwork will come around, we just need him on the court TODAY". Coach cheeks looks to be a guy that might try to tutor your kid but, when he sees that he or she is too bad off academically will just try to change their grades and when they graduate, try to get them a job on a delivery truck or something. He will do any and everything to get his kids eligible. "Social Studies.....I mean........you gotta realize.....if he plays in the NBA he will eventually learn his capitals of the states". He's a real "well you gotta realize" kinda guy. He will try to rationalize everything. And your kid will know that their life has been messed up by Coach Cheeks but, they'll still love em. Just because he takes em out to eat and let's the kids borrow his car to go out on dates and to have sex in there.



JOHN LUCAS

See Coach Lucas....Coach Lucas is the guy that recruits all the christian athletes. He comes to the recruiting meeting with your parents and he has his bible. He quotes scriptures. He seems very nice. As soon as you sign that contract and send your kid off to his camp or college.........."Wake up MUDDAF*CKA!". "AINT SH*T in that bed but a MUDDAF*CKIN dream B*TCHES". It's a complete change. Then your kid calls home. "Ma I don't wanna stay here". And you tell em to stay because Mr. Lucas is a nice young man. But little do you know...........



ART SHELL

Your child SHALL eat good. That's all you need to know. If he signs your kid, they will be at buffets after every practice. And if your child looks old enough, he or she might be assigned to beer runs. There aren't any let-ups though. You shall work hard. Coach Shell dont say "gimme 5 laps". He just says "Yall niggas start runnin". And you run until you done. Done could be 5 laps, it could mean 15 laps. Who knows. It's alot of kool-aid and sunflower seeds at Coach Shell's practices. Practice is kept real basic and old school.



HERM EDWARDS

Now he bumps heads with Coach Lucas when it comes to the christian athletes. They are neck and neck when it comes to recruiting them. But Edwards is a lil more verse with his scriptures and he can hide his cursing a little more. He's been known to cry in a living room or two if necessary to show you his passion for kids. That usually seals the deal.



AVERY JOHNSON

Coach Johnson has battled on and off the court. He is a great man and loves the kids. Nevermind his near brushes with the law when charged with child molestation. Those allegations were not true. "I just like to shower with the boys....its comradarie".



NOLAN RICHARDSON

He is the man responsible for teaching your child the proper way to use two curse words back to back in a sentence. "This MUTHAF*CKIN GODD*MN defense yall are playing is frustration the F*CKIN SH*T out of me". He motivates his team by reminding them that HE bought items for them. "Son if you dont wanna play, come sit down....Rufus is much better than you anyways....so take off them tennies I bought for you anyhow and leave out the same door you came in you B*TCH A$$ MADE GODD*MN prick". In his world, its nothing wrong with being a lil harsh.


So all in all, your child will get cursed at, exposed to illegal and immoral activities and maybe even have a grade or two changed but, all fair than ends fair.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"