Friday, March 31, 2006

Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.



Today we are helping out our lonely brethren by the 2's. There's nothing wrong with being polite, and treating a woman like she wants to be treated, but you can't always let them know that before you meet them. Let's meet 2 of the most affectionate holding-hands, nose-rubbing, and 2 of the most ticklish niggas in Alabama.

Anthiny & Carl Whitney are 2 young educated brothrs looking for love in all the wrong places. Both are graduates of Tuskegee Anthiny has a master's in English Literature, and Carl a B.S. in Electrical Engineering. Despite their education they can't seem to come up on some loving.

One Tuskegee summer, the twins were attending summer school, in a hope to maybe find a couple of friendly freshmen twins looking for romance, and a love of B.B. King. However what they came across was a coniving heavy-handed softball player named Katweeda James. Now 'Tweeda thought she was a bit of a player. She thought she could have any man and anything she wanted. Check the pose and you'll know what I mean.



'Tweeda spotted the boys as soon as she set foot on campus. She was at Tuskegee for the summer taking some classes, to try to being her GPA up in order to return to Shaw University to to play softball. 'Tweeda had an appetite for sex, much like her appetite for baby back ribs, aggressive. She caught Carl coming out of one of his summer calculus classes and she knew she had to have him. They exchanged numbers, and made a date for Friday. Here's the catch, she told them her cousin went there and they looked a little alike and her name was K. Trying to cover her back like a Mississippi snail.

She later caught Anthiny in a secluded location and got his digits. The single-elimination double dating began. Ole 'Tweeda had these niggas running to their grandma for money to spend on her. It wasnt pretty, because both twins were so wrapped up in Katweeda they didn't even realize they were dating the same girl. This almost caused a rif in the family until Carl caught 'Tweeda and Anthiny coming out of Dairy Queen. He had no doubt that it was her, because 'Tweeda had an affinity for double chocolate moose cookies and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Carl was none too tickled about this and confronted 'Tweeda. He was so hot he almost cussed, "And to think I was going to give you my Grandmomma's recipe for Dutch Cabbage!", he said. The twins poured ice cream on her and simultaneously said, "You dern 2-timing hussy!"

It was a good thing they never sexed 'Tweeda, but bad at the same time. The twins haven't loved a woman since, well we think Anthiny had sex in '98 with a metermaid named Kintarsha but we aint sure. We know they are looking for sex now. They have changed underwear to maximize their sprem count, started wearing name brand cologne, and stopped shopping in the husky section. They are still ticklish, and in need of a date, 2-timers need not apply. Call us at 301-455-3534 if you don't mind hearing a grown man laugh like a baby, napping in a hammock, or having his grandmomma call him at 5:30am to check the weather where he lives (only 2clicks from her house, but they got different news

Thursday, March 30, 2006

"THE STATE OF THE SOCIAL INTERNET UNION ADDRESS"
By Salvador Gabor


Now that we are approaching the spring time and the summer months to follow, I feel a need to address all of you folks who spend your 8 hours at work searching the net. Today is a great day for Social Internet Executives and Technicians alike. There are so many website to search. We have shopping sites, discussion boards, chat rooms, blogs and other outlets such as the latest "Video Model" pics. Even inspite of these great leaps for mankind on the internet we have some problems. Serious problems that need to be solved. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news but, we cant celebrate our acheivements until we address the downfalls within out Social Internet Society.

Let me first tackle the Evite.com dilemna. YES it is a dilemna. This is a great tool to keep up with our social events, since that IS our focus. But, it's usually a clear cut idea of whether or not an event is FOR me or FOR you. The constant reminders of the same event are not necessary. If we want to attend, we keep those events in mind. If not, we just dont reply or we say "maybe" or "no". Once we have done that we don't need a "Donte sends a reminder for the Housewarming Bash this Friday, your current response is 'No'". Also another great obstacle is the "This guest list has not been released by the coordinator" message. When living in a major metropolitan area, FULL DISCLOSURE is needed when being invited to birthday parties, housewarmings, house dinners, and so forth. Who knows if you bring your new girlfriend and your "ex" is invited. Maybe she isn't your "ex" JUST yet. Maybe she doesn't know that you are engaged. Party coordinators have to keep this in mind. Proper disbursing of invitations must be taking into consideration. The lack of planning for "cat fights" could be a disaster. So once again FULL DISCLOSURE is needed. Also depending upon who is attending, a nigga just might wanna be a lil more fresh than normal. Disclose of the invite list gives you an idea of that.

The next dilemna is MySpace. I don't have a problem with this new "Blackplanet aimed towards all races". I just have one glitch to address. Fellas, don't ask me to be your friend on MySpace and your main picture is that of you with your shirt off. That just doesn't represent my heterosexuality to the furthest extent. Now I've seen some folks that I'm really cool with on this site but, I'm afraid to reach out to them because if I do, they may wanna add me as their friend and ask the same of me. But if you are trying to look like Shemar Moore on your page, I'm going to have to decline. Simply because you can't be on MY SPACE if you look like that on MySpace.

Now, I want to go JunkMail and cookies. From what I've been told, Junkmail is sent to your email addresses based on where you browse on the internet. But I'm seeing a problem. That must not always be correct. I've received messages about Penis Enlargement, Plasma TV's and African men who need sponsorship to get to America. I've never complained about my "manhood" or my TV and who am I the new Sally Struthers. I don't know how "Akello Mwabe" got my email address.

We also need to address, S.I.E. to S.I.E. relations. Social Internet Executives and the relationships they develop have tapered off as of late. There is no longer honor amongst thieves. Yes THIEVES. All yall stealing that government money anyway but, that's another story for another day. But where is the honor? Why can't we just have great S.I.E. relationships anymore. S.I.E.'s send the same email 17 times in 2 days. We recycle emails from 2 years ago. And to make matters worse, S.I.E.'s send audio and video attachments and then call you to see if you got the attachment. But, when it doesn't download they 1) get mad at YOU and 2) KEEP sending it and calling....."DID you get it now". I tell ya!

As a whole, we have gained ground but, there is more ground to be gained. In 2006, we will get there.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Sal's Corner
"DRESSED AND CODED"


It's spring again. And you gotz to beware. The street walkers are out here. From 12:00 PM to 2:30 PM daily, downtown niggas are on the prowl. Toothpicks in their mouth and shoes shined. From the court buildings to the Government buildings, they are out. There is nothing a lil sunshine and windy air can't do to make the lunchhour seem a lil longer than it should. Those of us cheating tryna leave the desk @ 12:50 just to get that full lunch period in. I know you! You cant fool me. And I dont wanna fool you. So Im gonna teach and expose to you some of the people you can watch for in this springtime. I'm not gonna call any names in particular. I'm just gonna give nicknames and you can go for what you know.

"Loops and Hoops" - Oh you know em. He's the baldheaded guy in your building with the earring in his ear. Not the stud but the hoop. Alot of these niggas came on out around '93 when Michael Jordan made it cool to rock the bald head wit da hoop. He can be seen wit da black slacks and the light grey blazer. Not to mention the silver and red tie. If you are seen shopping where he shops, reconsider. He's a nice guy though. You might see em in line at the Hot Bar and he's a good guy to talk to while waiting in a long line.

"Hooks and Flaps" - A real Trench Coat kinda guy. Maybe even a copier machine technician. Chinese collars galore. We call em "Hooks and Flaps" because that trench coat has so many belts and folds in it. He even sports a leather one when he takes his kids to the movies. "Hooks and Flaps" is a good guy though. He causes no problems. He's not tryna outdress you or anything. But he's always out and about, handling his business but, cant escape the laughter of teenage kids that he shares public transportation with

"French Cuff" - He's a playa. Well, that's if you asked HIM. Yall know "French Cuff". Type of nigga to roll up on you at the b-ball court. Only nigga in America that always say "Lemme get a shot" but he STAY dressed up. Never break a sweat though. Steve Harvey is one of these type niggas. "Light Purple shirt with the white cuff" type nigga. "Wild leg slacked" type nigga. "Thick Mustache" type nigga. "Box and 1 fade" type nigga. "French Cuff" thinks that he runs the downtown lunchtime playa scene. He's a GAZELLE with no lenses type nigga too!!! Watch em. He gotta few buddies that he run wit. He's gotta buddy named "Big Pieces" that we will talk about in a second. He spends some of his lunch hour schooling the young dudes on the block. He has a few young girls. But thats only because he treats the female interns to McDonalds every Friday.

"Big Pieces" - We call em "Big Pieces" because it aint a day that goes by that he don't got at least 4 pieces to a suit. He stay wit big pieces. The suspenders, the belt, the vest, the hat.....the whole shaaabaaamm. "Big Pieces" is running buddies with "French Cuff". "Big Pieces" is married though. He straddles the line. He goes to church but still partakes in a "lil drank" every now and then. Might take one pull of a cigarette. He might flirt wit his lady friends but always comes home to "Mama". One thing about "Big Pieces".....he can throw a party. If you aint been, you have heard about the "French Cuff and Big Pieces" affairs. "Big Pieces" always tries to satisfy EVERYBODY all at once and you cant do that.

"SOUTH CAROLINA" - You can go as north as New York and "South Carolina" exists. That nigga left the south 27 years ago and STILL has a country accent. He has one tooth that is lightly dead in the front. You can see that white turning blueish/purple. This guy is giving you ALL purple in his fashion arsenal. Purple suits, Black dress shirts and silk ties galore. Toothpicks and gold everywhere. Now dont get it confused, he can be from North or South Carolina. Maybe Georgia but we will call him "South Carolina".

So my friends, I just feel a need to inform you of who's "Dressed and Coded" for the Spring and Summer of 2006.

Lord Willin, Rome Feelin

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Gambling With Your Social Life
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.


Many people see gambling as an investment, and others see it as a detriment to society, marriage, parenthood and even friendship. Gambling can be a useful tool in come-upedness. You might score $1700 shooting dice on a website, or you might cause some young woman to lose all self-confidence trying to juggle time.

People often times suggest that one invest in this or that. These things can range from stocks and bonds, to an apple sauce truck full of DVD's coming from Reno on a bad axle, that is sure to make one 17 minute stop in Watts at 3:05 a.m. on Thursday after next. It is left up to us to figure out what is worth while and what is just wet sand.

In the world of investment more commonly called Gambling in venues like Atlantic City, there are certain things you wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole. There are others that we as people would welcome ourselves to if a simple bet had been made.

"I bet if Keith told you she was a ho..." In a situation like this a regular dude might pass on a good girl in the right situation, but because nice brother told him to talk to Venetta he passed on it. The last 3 girls good-dude Marvin hooked you up with, none of them gave you the draws. Oh but the nigga Keith, always provides some of the finest, and sometimes the ugliest skanks Norfolk has to offer. It is bets like this that have naked on a 300 pound easy woman named Kadunya.

"I bet if Tully told you to take the pill..." On what a gamble this is. A situation like this could be one in which a stubborn old man won't take what his doctor prescribes but will continue to drink whiskey and smoke cigarellos knowing good and well he has tuberculosis. Now if Tully, the woman known to make arthritis go away by burning her husband with an iron on his right hip. This the same woman who ties garlic to your tail get rid of yeast infections. Now had she told Weeyams to take an antibiotic he would do it.

"I bet if P.Diddy told you to wear it..." Now this could be the difference in staying warm and staying fly. This might keep an 8th grader warm in February, and a 54 year old hustler in proper attire at his well-to-do brother's retirement party.

My how we gamble with our social life. We quick to say what we aint going to do, because it aint cool, or because it don't sound lucrative but you can bet if Ty and Wayne got something to do with it you will be driving that Monte Carlo with 16 pounds of coke in the backseat.

Some of life's bets are nothing but disguised debts, sometimes to society and other times to your Aunt who loaned you $500 to open your own dry cleaners, just because you had the surplus hangers and a broken steamer with a Flowbee engine. "I bet I could open my own cleaners." Someone should have bet Woody couldn't, there's the money on the street.

Be careful betting against someone though. All you hard fathers thinking your boy is soft because he likes music. Be careful, you might have the next Kanye on your hands, but then again the nigga could turn out to be Magoo. If you sitting around the house wondering what he can't do in your Russell sweatpants and dressy yardwork shoes, don't cash that bet. Take that money and get yall some outfits, because that Science Fair Banquet might be the gateway to neverending trips to Vegas when young Titus is all grown up.

The world keeps spinning like a table of roulette
So many things us nigga have yet to beget
Diamond rings loaded with baggettes
A butt naked dance with Alley Baggette
Scared money will keep your daughter and wife in bowrettes,
keeping you with long nails on your pinky toes
rolling dice with your buddies Quartet
Jerome, Curtis, Vaughn and Lavette
drinking Martel and riding shotgun in Jerome's Corvette
don't let life pass you by, because you didn't buy
only investing on stolen good off of trucks painted "Canada Dry"
This world keeps spinning this I know
Just ask them big women at the toy parties not licensed by Hasbro
.

Make money mane.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Marvin Diggs is a hardworking man looking for love, and a woman who don't mind smelling feet. A man known for putting cognac in his coffee, and not washing behind his ears, Marvin likes to keep things quiet.

Marvin has been a dump truck driver/bull dozer operator/golf cart operator. Marvin is known to studder a little bit when talking about his Redskins, the Golden State Warriors of the mid 80's, and any reference to Lawrence Taylor sets him off. Marvin once got into a heated debate about Lawrence Taylor on the job site. He got so upset that got into the site manager's golf cart and drove all the way home, and could be heard saying "that Lawrence Taylor is a piece of dookey, just just dookey, he he he he he don't know chalfk from coffee," all the way down Kenilworth Avenue.

Marvin is a Sagitarius with Gemini qualities on the jobsite. He is sometimes not very talkative, but always has a warm smile, especially when drinking some hot tea with a little burboun in it. He likes his potato salad luke warm, and his women big legged. Marvin don't like no pets, and has raised three children and really doesn't want to see yours. If you are a single women, who doesn't mind a little construction dust on your couch, call us at 301-455-3534 to talk to Marvin or one of our other hoeless romantics. His single and ready, oh and his eyes aint red from crying, that's that bourbon.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Sal's Corner
"PUT ME IN COACH"


Amateur athletics has been a major part of the inner-city members of the African-American society for over 50 years. Many of our most athletic boys and girls have grown up and become world-class athletes. And for a portion of our young community, the lack of father figures in the household led our youth to look towards outside influences to be the main figures of fatherhood in their lives. Some looked to men in the church, others looked to drug dealers, neighbors and of course.....COACHES. Coaches are great figures for how to be "stand-up" men and women. But, this isn't easy. So as a parent, when a coach comes to your home to recruit your son or daughter, you have to know they are going to be hard on your child to bring the best out of them. Today we will look at some coaches that could come to your house to recruit your child. Also we will learn what to expect from these coaches.

Disclaimer: The following comments are not directly related to the actual persons being shown below. This is just a glance at what these coaches could be based on their looks and outward attitude.




RAY RHODES

This is a man of CHARACTER. Your son or daughter is in good hands with a man like this. Sure they might break a bone in his presence and not be hospitalized but if you can play on one leg, you can surely play on two. This is NOT the coach for your child if you oppose to a lil smoking and tobacco use in the presence of your kid. As for praying before a game........."God aint never been in a 4th & Goal situation". This isn't something that would surprise me to hear Coach Rhodes say either. Expect your child to be exposed to "snuff", brown liquor and high rolling dice games. Not purposely but those "extra" guys that aren't apart of the official coaching staff always seem to exploit and corrupt your kids. Look out for those guys in the lawn chairs with the hawaiian shirts and soft slacks.



MAURICE CHEEKS

"See Mrs. Jenkins...you gotta realize...the schoolwork will come around, we just need him on the court TODAY". Coach cheeks looks to be a guy that might try to tutor your kid but, when he sees that he or she is too bad off academically will just try to change their grades and when they graduate, try to get them a job on a delivery truck or something. He will do any and everything to get his kids eligible. "Social Studies.....I mean........you gotta realize.....if he plays in the NBA he will eventually learn his capitals of the states". He's a real "well you gotta realize" kinda guy. He will try to rationalize everything. And your kid will know that their life has been messed up by Coach Cheeks but, they'll still love em. Just because he takes em out to eat and let's the kids borrow his car to go out on dates and to have sex in there.



JOHN LUCAS

See Coach Lucas....Coach Lucas is the guy that recruits all the christian athletes. He comes to the recruiting meeting with your parents and he has his bible. He quotes scriptures. He seems very nice. As soon as you sign that contract and send your kid off to his camp or college.........."Wake up MUDDAF*CKA!". "AINT SH*T in that bed but a MUDDAF*CKIN dream B*TCHES". It's a complete change. Then your kid calls home. "Ma I don't wanna stay here". And you tell em to stay because Mr. Lucas is a nice young man. But little do you know...........



ART SHELL

Your child SHALL eat good. That's all you need to know. If he signs your kid, they will be at buffets after every practice. And if your child looks old enough, he or she might be assigned to beer runs. There aren't any let-ups though. You shall work hard. Coach Shell dont say "gimme 5 laps". He just says "Yall niggas start runnin". And you run until you done. Done could be 5 laps, it could mean 15 laps. Who knows. It's alot of kool-aid and sunflower seeds at Coach Shell's practices. Practice is kept real basic and old school.



HERM EDWARDS

Now he bumps heads with Coach Lucas when it comes to the christian athletes. They are neck and neck when it comes to recruiting them. But Edwards is a lil more verse with his scriptures and he can hide his cursing a little more. He's been known to cry in a living room or two if necessary to show you his passion for kids. That usually seals the deal.



AVERY JOHNSON

Coach Johnson has battled on and off the court. He is a great man and loves the kids. Nevermind his near brushes with the law when charged with child molestation. Those allegations were not true. "I just like to shower with the boys....its comradarie".



NOLAN RICHARDSON

He is the man responsible for teaching your child the proper way to use two curse words back to back in a sentence. "This MUTHAF*CKIN GODD*MN defense yall are playing is frustration the F*CKIN SH*T out of me". He motivates his team by reminding them that HE bought items for them. "Son if you dont wanna play, come sit down....Rufus is much better than you anyways....so take off them tennies I bought for you anyhow and leave out the same door you came in you B*TCH A$$ MADE GODD*MN prick". In his world, its nothing wrong with being a lil harsh.


So all in all, your child will get cursed at, exposed to illegal and immoral activities and maybe even have a grade or two changed but, all fair than ends fair.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"