Monday, January 09, 2006

Sal's Corner

Today we have to address an interesting subject. PARKING. Parking is essential to life. If you wanna go ANYWHERE you have to park once you get there. And you cant do ANYTHING before you park. So today we will go into several examples and instances of how parking effects us


"PARKS" - This is not the way you address your lack of a parking space. "It aint no PARKS around here". The only "PARKS" I know are the ones where your kids play. But I hear "sophisticated" people talking "Its always hard to find PARKS around here". QUESTION: where did the "S" come from. It's so much easier to say "Where is a PARKING SPACE?"


"VALET" - Now fellas, we will drive around for HOURS looking for a space. But if you have the young lady with you, depending on yall might wanna drop the $7 fee and put the car in the garage. If you are young and you're just starting out and you gotta "bucket" and its cold, drop the $7 so you aint gotta warm up the car for 35 minutes after the 12:20 A.M. movie showing. Now its like 2:00 A.M when yall leave. You out in the street till 2:35 warming up the BUICK. Naw just go ahead and drop that $7 if you got the lady with you

"METERS" - You might have to go to he DMV. You may have to go see your lawyer. Who knows. But meters can be tricky. You only gotta quarter. ONE quarter and you gotta go stand in that Credit Union line and you KNOW 15 minutes of time on a meter aint gonna cut it WHATSOEVER. But we "try our hand". And then we have to wave that SAME hand furiously to get the "Meter Maid's" attention not to write us a ticket 45 minutes later!

"RESIDENTIAL" PART I - You have to always be weary of this. Fellas this will determine if you go to see a young lady or not based on where she lives and if you can park there. If you hear "Yeah baby I live on 125th & Lenox", that might not a good sign. You come back outside and its a bunch of niggas wit Red Bandana's on, sitting on your BUICK. And you dont wanna tell em to move. "Hey I gotta warm my car up for 35 minutes anyway so yall aight."

"RESIDENTIAL" PART II - You got some folks, especially old Cadillac owners who might put cones up to reserve their space. Or the ones who sit ON the porch to make sure the kids dont play football in front of their car. "GO ON in front of YA MAMMA house and THO' that ball." (CAUTION: its never THROW its always THO').


"EXPERTS" - Don't you hate when that EXPERT is in the car with you. The one who says "You need to park this car again". Like it's their car! Or the ones who volunteer to get out and help you steer the car in the space. And they revert back to ancient hand signals from driving classes in the 1600's. It makes you wanna ask "WAS NAT TURNER in your driving class?". JUST tell me "STOP" and "COME BACK SOME MORE". Im not deaf and I dont know sign language.

"YOU WON'T GET A TICKET" - Its always a NIGGA tryna rush you to get somewhere and they say "Oh you wont get a ticket if you park here". 7 years ago a "friend" of mines said this to me. We came out and I had a ticket. HE shoulda gave me that $50 on spot. And 75% of the times its a nigga that dont have a license or dont drive that says this. OR a nigga who NEVER wants to drive.

"IN THE FRONT" - Nightlife in a big city is hectic. Say you are going to a play or a basketball game or a club or an upscale restaurant. You are NOT gonna get a space RIGHT in front of the arena. WHY drive around circles in that ONE BLOCK Radius. Ladies, im SORRY. I know yall dont like to walk. But after that first month, after the relationship has kicked in.........big homie might not wanna drop that $7 no more in the garage. He gotta used Lexus now, this aint like the BUICK. So he can sit it outside and can pull right off EVEN if its cold. That $7 is now his tip at the restaurant so act right. Dont think he gonna ride around the same block. Just carry some "flats" with you. You might got some walking to do


"THE CLUB PARK" - Now this is a style of parking that veteran "ghetto" club attenders know about. In D.C. it is known as the "GoGo parking". This is done when the driver parks and then before cutting the car off, TURNS the steering wheel ALL THE WAY to the LEFT. THIS is done for easy access OUT of the space in case of a shooting. All you have to do is hit da gas and your car is out of the space.

"THE VOGUE PARK" - If you got them VOGUES, you bet NOT park close to the curb. And if you gotta borrow somebody's car and they got VOGUES, you better just decline on their offer. Better yet they will TELL you. "Dont park this car close to no curbs". Them whitewalls better not be scratched. And because you are so far from the curb, REMEMBER to push the sideview mirror in.

"THE I GOTTA DOO-DOO PARK" - Its a very DISTINCTIVE parking style. You can point out a "I gotta doo-doo" parking style. The back of the car is usually out from the curb more than the front side. This is due to the fact that if your stomach is REALLY griping, you dont have time to parallel park in the proper fashion in which the "EXPERT" would want you too. And if you STILL have that BUICK that you didnt warm up.......its probably cutting off so much that when it idles down during parking, it cuts off in the middle of the parking process. So you basically hop out and your car looks like its DOUBLE PARKED in a space. Sometimes "I gotta doo-doo" parking leads you to end up ON the curb. You dont have time to fix the car's parking position. Your stomach is about to explode. Now to go even deeper, if the back of the car is out more than the front of the car, AND the car is unlocked..........thats a DEFINITE sign of "I gotta doo-doo" parking going on. So the next time you see a car parked like this in your neighborhood, check the car doors. They are probably unlocked. Cause.......your CAR keys are the last keys on your mind, its those HOUSE keys that you bout to break off in the door tryna rush in that got your mind filled.


Well I hope this was an insightful read. I hope that we shed some light today on parking. We now know how to pronounce what we wanna say when we have to park. We know the types of parking spaces. We have learned who will say what in our cars and how to park other people's cars. And we learned the types of parking styles and how to detect them.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"