Monday, October 31, 2005

Sal's Corner
"DONT LET YA BABIES DATE NBA PLAYERS"


The NBA Season starts this week. And as it begins I began to think about NBA players in general. As many of you may already know, the NBA has issued a change in the dress code for players on travel and players who are inactive for play on gamedays. And I thought about how players present themselves. And I wondered, what would it be like to see one of these guys date my sister, my daughter........or my MOTHER for that matter. It used to be an honorable thing as a father, son, or brother to see your daughter, mother or sister date an athlete. His athletic prowess signaled to the fact that he is competitive, in shape and knows a thing or two about comraderie. Today we will take a light-hearted look at some NBA players and see what we think of these guys dating our women of today. What kinda dates would these guys be if they WEREN'T in the NBA "yet" or "At all"? (Keep in mind this is all in fun. You're favorite player might be on this list, DONT EMAIL ME LOL)

DAMON JONES


Damon Jones is currently with the Cleveland Cavaliers. I did a search on yahoo for him and this pic popped up. Chalk that up to a lack of popularity. I guess he aint caught enough drug charges as a black athlete to get mainstream exposure.........thats neither here nor there. Anyways.....Damon's the kind of guy that comes to your house to pick up your daughter and you dont have a good feeling about it. Its like eating crab cakes outta town.......your stomach JUST might act up and you're 200 miles from YOUR personal toilet so you just order the chicken fingers. Its just something telling you NO about Mr. Jones. But then you find out, he's in your fraternity too....so you let em slide. Next thing you know.......he's got your daughter on tape and for some reason the other "brothers" from your fraternity in the tape somehow forgot to tell Damon that this isn't a thing they should be doing to an "Ole Skool" Frat brother's daughter. But somehow he charmed your wife and he took your younger son to a few baseball games and he got in there.


DAHNTAY JONES


Dahntay is currently a member of the Memphis Grizzlies. Dahntay is the boy that as a father of a daughter he is dating, you can be proud. He's a good guy based on how he comes across. But your daughter can't deal with all the other girls that like him. But you like the front row seats to the college games he gets you. You find yourself standing next to him after games lusting after them young girls. And you might even say something about the women until Dahntay chimes in...."What about MISSES Harris and remember Im dating Chelsea". See Dahntay might make you remember your days of old. You tend to live your life through Dahntay.....until your daughter Chelsea breaks up with him. And then from then on out no man is like Dahntay in your eyes. 3 years later Chelsea brings home Rod who is a Barber. And all you can think is "OH great........I guess he can get me FREE tickets to the 2006 HAIR SHOW.........WOW....Thanks alot CHELSEA"

ANTOINE WALKER


Antoine is currently a Boston Celtic. But you know I struggled a bit with this one. I said "What kinda date would Antoine be?" "How would the father react?" And then I realized.....Antoine would probably date a female without a father in the household. He's the type that would go out with he for a month and then all of a sudden he done moved in and is helping with bills. THEN I thought more, Antoine would probably meet a girl while her parents are in the midst of a separation. You (being the father) would come BACK to your house and see his leather coat on the couch. Then 'Toine comes downstairs in his drawls and yall would have to fight.

CUTTINO MOBLEY


Cuttino currently provides services for the Los Angeles Clippers. And yeah........he's that guy to watch for. Un huh. He's in the same frat as you and Damon Jones. See if you look close enough on that tape Damon made with your daughter in it.....he's there too. Didn't see it did you? Your daughter didn't either. She was too drunk. But he was there. See he really wants your wife. So when you pull Chelsea to the side to talk about Cuttino he putting moves on every Aunt, niece and woman in the room.

RODNEY ROGERS


Rodney (to my knowledge) is not currently in the league. But I took a look at Rodney. 2 things came to mind. #1 Get a Gun. Because As a father you have to size every boyfriend up........cause at some point it could get ugly. And if this dude puts his hands on your daughter.......you might only have one option......and thats to shoot this nigga. I saw him in a mall once and I looked like a kid standing next to him. #2 You have to know in your mind that this nigga here........OH best believe he is doing some UNGODLY things with your daughter. And that alone will make you wanna hit him but revert to rule #1. As a father you NEVER wanna get knocked out by your daughter's boyfriend and/or date.


"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, October 21, 2005

Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.



Meet Troydette Smalls, another one of our hoeless romantics searching the earth and Asia for true love or backroom boogie, whichever comes first. Troydette has been without love for a while now. He quit his job at the Government Printing Office because he just lost his love for binding paper, and making party flyers on the side. He wanted to pursue his love of organic go-go music and his love for smoking the sweetest ganja in the Mid-Atlantic Region. Troydette was quite a ladies man with the senior summer interns and was known to have at least 5 ladies in the building at one time. However his love for strip parties and smoking marijuana all put his dating on hold.

Troydette never liked to share his hobby-plant even if it did get his dates in the mood. He shyed away from hoodrats and corporate lawyer ladies alike. He left his HUD home off of Benning Road to pursue a more natural life filled with weed and nature. Troydette is seen above on a nature hike in Rock Creek Park, and is high as usual posing as the "Highman Trophy". Despite 17 months of "time-to-self", Troydette is ready to get back on the dating scene. So all those lunch crews with at least one horny and desperate member, give us a call so that you may experience Troydette. "If you got some Chuck Brown it is going down," says Smalls. Please call us at 301-455-3534 for info on how to get with Troydette or any of our other desperate singles.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

"THE STEAKS ARE HIGH"
By Salvador Gabor




For many people, lunch is just a small task in the eye of a true worker. For John F. Cruz, lunch is a way of life and a way to expand business. "Lunch is how I get through the day. I plan my morning thinking of how fast I can get by this time just to get to lunch. Then from lunch till the end of the day I have to plan other strategies to get that far" says Cruz. The STEAKS are truly high for someone like John Cruz who is considered to be a "lazy worker". "I dont come to work to do the work that THEY have for me to do. I have other work. Work that is important to ME". John has embarked upon ventures during his alotted work hours that have made him an icon in the "Web Browsing World". He is the top Social Internet Executive on the East Coast. No other Social Internet Executive has pulled off being logged into as many chat rooms and fantasy sports boards as John Cruz over the last 18 months. With a 18-day consecutive streak of 2 hour lunches in April of 2005, he graced the cover of "My Time, Their Money" magazine in July. We had a chance to speak with John about his efforts to make the work place a more Internet Free Society

Salvador Gabor: John I must say you have done a magnificent job over the last year as a Social Internet Executive?

John Cruz: I can only take but so much credit for my work. Some say its a lack thereof but, who do you know that can refresh 5 email accounts while listening to Windows Media Player and updating my iPod?

SG: Thats impressive. What are your daily duties?

JC: I come into the office around 9:45. I should be here by 9:30 but I'll stay an extra 15 in the afternoon. I usually check to see if my boss has any assignments for me. I may get to them today, I may not. Who knows? Then the rest of my day I'm in meetings. Usually on chat boards discussing topics such as "Reality TV" and "Fantasy Football". Im swamped with emails. Im in charge of making sure that all my "business associates" (friends) are up to date on the latest "forward emails". Some executives take yoga, I prefer Solitaire. I usually do an hour of that for mental exercise before lunch.
SG: Lunch is a big moment in the day?

JC: YEAH sure........my buddies and I check out hot chicks at Hot Bars and so forth. It's important to be at the pulse of the lunch culture. That's big business in the Social Internet Industry nowadays. You have to understand, the key is to gain as much of an email list as possible. You have to be the one with the hottest photos of stars floating around, the hottest forwards. So lunch time is an opportunity to "bag" hot chicks and see old friends and gather more contact info.

SG: Is Social Internet Browsing an industry filled with trends?

JC: Sure, online shopping is the trend now due to the fact that this is the time before the holiday season. Also the weather is changing so people are looking for new clothes. My associates and I often send pics back and forth to show the latest clothes that we can buy for work and leisure time.
SG: But isn't leisure time AT work for you?

JC: I don't think you understand, this is HARD WORK.

SG: Ok so you have developed a procedure to help Social Internet Workers improve the quality of their Message Boards?

JC: I've personally met with many of personal friends who are SIE's across the country on conference calls and online conferences and it's important that we dig deep and think on issues that go on in our lives and come to work and ask others for their opinions to stir up good dialogue within these message boards.

SG: Where do you see the Social Internet Industry in the next 5 years?

JC: As long as folks do just enough work at work to get by, and as long as firewalls are as loose as they are now..........this can be a great industry.
Sal's Corner
"WOMEN TO WATCH OUT FOR IN THE WINTER of 2005"


This is the latest edition of what we know as "People to watch out for". I often make it my best effort to keep yall abreast on who is out here causing danger to our society. Ive never steered you wrong. Have I? I was the one who told you to watch for women who wear Shawls/Ponchos. I was the one who say stay near those carrying lunch to work. Wasnt I? I mean for goodness sakes, follow me.


WOMEN SECURITY GUARDS: They a lil too aggressive. I think they are freaky. Especially the ones who work at jails. What makes you wanna be around that many men? That's why so many of em are having sex with the inmates. They just freaky like that. Even common security guards in buildings........they tend to give you that eye. That "I'll handcuff you and put macaroni & cheese on my stomach and make you eat it off" type of look.

OLD WOMEN WHO LEARN NEW "SLANG": If your grandmother walks up and says "What's Good" or she says "So who is Jeff and em BEEFIN wit again", she has crossed the line. This is the type of old person that will try to be cool yet call out the wrong girl's name when you bring a "guest" over the house.

LADIES ADDRESSED BY THEIR LAST NAME: "Come on here Houston! We gotta go down stairs and sell these pies" "Just Wait a minute Bynum, I gotta go lay hands on Sister Rueben's son Ezekiel". Sounds familiar? Watch women who are called by their last name. Its too much running in high heels and too much sweating when they arrive to church. A woman called by her last name is slightly too much masculinity expressed in one setting. It denotes that she sits with her legs uncrossed on the porch and she roots a lil too hard for her favorite basketball team.

WOMEN WHO SHOW CLEAVAGE - What's your aim? What are you tryna do? These are confused women. The type who are the first to say "Men never look me in the eye they always wanna look down my shirt". Someone give this woman a Rocket Science degree. But back to reality. WHAT is it that you want? The woman who wears this clothing yet gets mad is a women to stay clear of. She wants her cake, your cake, his cake and she wants to eat all 3. It cant happen. Are you tryna lure me in or are you really tryna see if I like your eyes like I said the first time I met you?

LADY LUNCH COMBOS - You ever seen a 22 year old at lunch with a 58 year old lady? What are they talkin' about? Is it a 22 year old conversation? Is it a 58 year old conversation? Or is it a 40 something year old combo? You never see a 22 year old man and a 58 year old man together. We dont have much to say to each other. So back to the women........what do they talk about? Men, Menopause or "how to press pause on the DVD" cause any woman over 58 is likely to have complications using the DVD player. Ive just never understood these combos. You must watch the 22 year old because she got too much "house gown" in her. She liable to act way older than her age. And the 58 year old might be walkin around talking about "Who beefin?" or "What's Good?".

NEXT WEEK..........the MEN TO LOOK OUR FOR IN THE WINTER.