Thursday, August 18, 2005

Take the World By Both Hands
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Leonard "Big Burger" Clement, the world renown competitive eater, and bus rider departed from this world on Saturday, August 13, 2005. Big Burger was a pleasant man who was known to eat and sing, sometimes at the same time. He was often called a restauranter, because that is what he did, he went to restaurants. From McDonald's to Chevy's to Copeland's to Duff's to Captain Hank's to ReneƩ Capitan. Oh he could eat, and eat he did. Leonard was excused from many establishments for eating his all. "Well they said All You Can Eat, I don't mind sitting a while and eating my all," said Big burger after terrorizing waiters at an Old Country Buffet in Newport News, Virginia for over 7 hours of stop and go feasting.

Big Burger was quite the singer, and would bust a tune quicker than he could bust his jeans on a crowded bus. He would sing anything from SWV to the Canton Spirituals to Christmas carols in the middle of July. "I could always tell what kind of song he would sing by the way he would get to rockin'," says Grace Pitty a frequent rider of the X2 whose stop is Benning & Eads. Big Bruger was quite the dancer, and could be seen in the background of the "Lock It" video, and "2Legit 2Quit".

At the time of his death, Leonard Clement had just finished eating a couple of boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and was headed to Mrs. Ethel Williams watering hose for a cool drink of water. Everyone throughout the neighborhood that a cold pond in her backyard sat just above an undergound well in Shipley Terrace. Big Burger knew that despite the July heat, that the watering hose was guaranteed to be "whole lotta colder that a polar bear's nose" as he would say. Some of the powdered doughnuts left him a bit cotton-mouthed and he was getting a little overheated walking to the backyard. As Big Burger was walking to the backyard he missed a step and fell forward gut first into Ms. Williams pond. Big Burger's profound mass and stomach, covered the pond and left no room for air to escape. Unfortunately Big Burger's face was smothered have in dirt, and half in cold pond water, left him no room for escape. Despite often being called a whale he had no blowhole, and succombed to suffocation.

ReneƩ Capitan's will be selling fish burgers at half-price to remember Leonard "Big Burger" Clement a fallen champeen in the world of life. Copies of his memoirs "Take the World By Both Hands" will be sold with every fish burger, and bootleg copies can be found underneath a stack of Wahington Post Express' at the Deanwood Station.