Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Sal's Corner
"The BREAKUP Part 2"

Today we will discuss phrases often used towards the end of a relationship. These maybe key words to remember so pay attention.

* "YOU DONT ACT THE SAME ANYMORE" - If this is said to you.........you probably have crossed the line to an extent. You used to be the funny person who was care free. Now you concerned about everywhere I go and who I'm with. The people who say "Oh yeah nothing bothers me", are the ones who turn around and are your worst nightmare. Thats why you cant try to be perfect early one. You'll end up having this said to you. And it makes you feel guilty. Simply because NO ONE wants to be told that they lost their coolness.

* "I NEED SPACE" - This is an intermediate level of breaking up. This is still the early stages of the breakup and how you respond if this is said to you can determine what happens. "You dont act the same anymore" is kinda the "lead in" to this phrase. Interpretations as follows. MALES: this means "Im cheating and you are close to catching. OR I have my eye ON a target as we speak. And I dont need you all up on me as I zoom in on my target". FEMALES: this means, "you are weak. I would cheat on you if another man was available AT this very moment. I dont know WHO Im a sleep with BUT Im a sleep with somebody cause you my friend are as tired as a day on 2 hours of sleep."

* "I HATE YOU" - This is never what you think it means. It doesnt mean they hate you. He/She is just mad that you really got them in an unstable emotional state. At this point they LOVE you more than ever. They are just mad that you have THIS much power over them. The battle isnt lost at this point. When someone says "I HATE YOU", say "BUT I LOVE YOU". That will give you at least 30 seconds to think of something to say after that. From there, I cant help you.

* "SO WHATS UP?" - This is more of a male-oriented statement. After all the initial arguments and the quiet/silent time the guy usually comes up with this blanket statement. Basically "What is we gon' do"? Cause as males, we just do things like that. Instead of "Im Sorry" or "Let's start over", it's a "So whats really good"? That makes the female EVEN angrier. And the arguments begin ALL OVER again.

* "YOU GOT ME F*CKED UP" - See, the barometer has just been turned up. Things were looking to be on the up and up. NOW.........something was said. WHAT was said is uncertain but SOMETHING turned the tide back to bad. When you hear someone say "OH NAW, YOU GOT ME F*CKED UP", you said the worst possible thing.

* "GET YOUR THINGS" - There's no turning back at this point. Its a wrap. What's done is done. Now if he/she throws your stuff out the window or rips its up.....thats equivalent to "I hate you", they really dont want you to leave but you've gotten the best of them at that point. BUT the calm request to get your things...........thats about it. Bow out gracefully.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Thursday, August 25, 2005

A Pioneer in Black Love
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Curtis Little is a man of many talents, and is most often recognized for his efforts to put a little bass in the tune of Black Love. He is a trained carpenter and blacksmith, and is a renown craftsman. He can do anything from creating bedroom dinette sets to shoeing horses and mules. However his crowning achievement is "Curtis' Little Sweet Spot", a small sex shop in Memphis, Tennessee.

It is at the Sweet Spot that Curtis specializes in the lost art of big woman seduction. He sells special seasoning oils and lotions to really set the mood when loving a big woman. He has Sunkist Motion Lotion for summertime romance. He has "Chilli con Queso" edible panties for those cold winter nights. Curtis also has ties to the 40 + year old Black Dominatrix and Lust Wrestling Society. He is shown above making one of his "Saddles of Love".

Curtis Little loves to love a big woman using two hands and both feet, except if she is Chinese. He had a bad experience 7 years ago in a massage parlor called "Foo Young's Touchings and Rubbs", a massage parlor and restaurant that had their own blend of Memphis Rub BBQ Sauce. The woman of bad record, let a little spicy bbq sauce get in the wrong crease and caused Curtis to be sore for 3 days and 5 nights. He couldnt even enjoy himself at the Cuban Hedonism called "Castro's Gatos."

Curtis' Little Sweet Spot has any and everything from gemini ginger, used for making love to two big sisters at once, to "Butt Bisquick" which softens the ripples many big woman have on their hinds and makes it smooth as room temperature pancake batter. Some of the many favorites include Chicken N Ribs passion lotion, Brown Gravy bikinis, and the Naked Recipe Book which has many ingridents to loving a big rascal or woman. Curtis also has Condoments, for those hot nights after eating some fast food. Everyone can't date or make love to a big woman, but if you come down to Curtis' Little Sweet Spot he can show you how.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sal's Corner

As you know, Im always on my job furiously tryna find good info for you people to use at your discretion. NOW even when Im gone for a day or two, Im working. And now Im back. Back with some very important info. August is a tough month. Alot of "Summer Love" ends in August. Alot of break-ups occur during this time of the year. And I thought about it the other day.......about 5 years ago around this time I suffered a break-up. So for those "on the ropes", I feel what you may be going through. And for those who think it's "peaches and cream", stats say 50% of relationships end in breakups or divorce. So TODAY Im talking to my FELLAS. Here are some things you need to be aware of during a break-up.

* IT'S NOT A ONE DAY THING - FELLAS, breakups arent a ONE DAY thing. Yeah you may have that BIG convo that changes yall situation BUT, there is a probation period. MOST of us think........."YES we might get back" BUT.....this period is like skating on thin ice. Even though that's your girl, you cant hold her hand during that period. You can't sit too close. You can't say the things you said before. Sometimes as a man we wish it would either JUST be over or JUST be back but.......its not that simple dealing with a woman.

Solution: Play the position she has made for you for a while. BE PATIENT. You might reach over to hug her and she might push away. Stay clear, just because she shows signs of yall possibly getting back doesnt mean you can jump over the line.

* QUICK CALLS - During this time of the breakup, SHE WILL make QUICK CALLS. Calls to ask you "What time Circuit City close?", "What kinda shoes should I get my lil brother?", "Whats the name of that song you be singing all the time.....it go like....some'n some'n and then WHHHHAT". And as soon as you answer her question........she says "Aight" and hangs up. You're Tee'd off. I KNOW right! Cause you try to start a convo and she basically is pulling your strings to see how long the puppet show will last.

Solution: Fellas, avoid phone convos altogether. You can't win during this period over the phone. She'll always react faster and more accurate than you will over the phone.

* SEEING HER FRIENDS - During this time period, HER friends KNOW every detail. So you see them in the street and they know about the love letters, arguements, flowers, tears, and begging you've done. SO you gotta play it cool. Dont say hello with a "Wimper". Be firm. Act as if nothing's wrong. They know you know that they know. Its like football. Leave the aggression and animosity on the field. Don't let them know you are mad.

Solution: Keep it moving. If you dont talk to her friends much beyond salutations, no need to now. BUT they will test you. "SO WHATS UP KEITH". Just say "Im doing fine". Dont get too sarcastic or "smart". Show love. Keep it moving

* SHE's NOT WITH ANOTHER DUDE - Fellas, just cause yall broke up doesn't mean she is out getting 100 phone numbers.........THATS WHAT WE DO when we break up. No seriously though. Thats our biggest hangup. We think she automatically has forgotten about us. She hasn't. She is just waiting during this probabtion period to see how we act and react before she makes a power move.

Solution: HAVE PATIENCE. Thats all I can say.

* "I DIDNT MEAN TO CALL YOU" - Females are petty. Face it. They do things as a reminder that they are in control. You know how it is........yall argue. Yall have argued alot lately. Finally you say "lets cool off and go our ways for a while". You do that. But, you wanna see her and talk to her BAD. So you still sitting in the house wondering.......IS she gonna call me. Then you see "Keisha Martin" show up on the Caller ID. Your heart JUMPS. You think "YEAH SHE WANT ME BACK" but you gotta keep calm. So you answer and you think you're in there. "Hello" says you. "Whats up, is this Greg" says Keisha. Now Greg, this throws you for a loop cause she never questioned if it was you or not. The she says the worst thing you could hear in this situation. "OHH Greg, I didnt mean to call you". And you sit there on the phone...........and your heart drops. And you almost are led to anger but you love Keisha too much. And then she hangs up. And you are really thrown for a loop now.

Solution: Go outside. GO SOMEWHERE. Cut ya phone off. If she "accidentally" called your phone, she'll "accidentally" get your voicemail. Cause we both know she aint "accidentally" call you. She's playing games

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, August 19, 2005

Wilbert's Internet Dating
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

There are many people in the society of yesterday who live life today. That being said there are some folk who just have a hard time attracting the type of woman or man that they are looking for, or might not be looking for but would gladly take. Here at "Wilbert's Internet Dating" we try to turn garlic breath and chittlin deodorant into an afrodeziac that no lonesome Curtis or Myrtle could resist.

Here we have George W. Purcell, a man of stature who is in his late 40's early 50's who was looking for love in all the wrong places. George is an avid rider of public transportation and can be found squeezing down beside you on the wrong day. Oh yeah he is the nigga carrying that man purse, and there is probably nothing in there but a pack of instant grits, a couple copies of Jet magazine, some Vaseine-lotion, a picture of a Camaro he is trying to get by the time his tax check comes, and something on that tear-off fax paper that only he could explain. He pretty much keeps to himself, until the routine off-site office parties. Nobody knew George talked that much, or drank that much gin for that matter. Oh this ole nigga put the "bumpy" on the Bumpy Face. George gets quite frisky at these events. He becomes quite the social butterfly, chatting with co-workers from all walks of life no matter the race, color, religion, sexual preference or creed.

In one instance George is having a conversation with Henri Baker, a suspected homosexual in the office. George and Henri are talking about sports and how athletes have to fend women off. The conversation went like this, "You know Henry, I mean Henri those athletes have to fight off women all the time. I mean they come after them like hawks, a buddy of mine got a shot with the Rams back in the 80's and he said the honeys were all over him. Not that you have to worry about that because we know you like Todd over there, Hey Todd what you up to, me and Henri were just talking about how he don't like women, you know he likes his fudge packed." This didn't sit well with Todd or Henri, but neither of them told, because they thought their office romance was secret.

George has often been warned and even slapped for accidently laughing and touching breasts in social atmospheres. He is famous for wrapping ladies up around the side and pressing a finger on the bra line. These tactics were useless when used against the wrong type of lady, not George's type of woman. Wilbert's Internet Dating Service found George the wrong right kind of woman who enjoys a man's gin-filled advances of lust. We have provided George with a long list of Brenda's, Roxanne's and Rhonda's who love leather and know how to wear it. No longer is George that lonely brother with his arms folded around his man purse on the train, he stands tall and listens to his walkman and even has a cell phone. He has combed out his part and is ready for the night. If you or a lonely uncle aunt or 48 year old second cousin needs love in the worst way, check the website, http://www.datingbywilbert.net and try us. Your first 5 hookups are free, and every additional hookup is $26 pending a criminal investigation.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Take the World By Both Hands
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Leonard "Big Burger" Clement, the world renown competitive eater, and bus rider departed from this world on Saturday, August 13, 2005. Big Burger was a pleasant man who was known to eat and sing, sometimes at the same time. He was often called a restauranter, because that is what he did, he went to restaurants. From McDonald's to Chevy's to Copeland's to Duff's to Captain Hank's to ReneƩ Capitan. Oh he could eat, and eat he did. Leonard was excused from many establishments for eating his all. "Well they said All You Can Eat, I don't mind sitting a while and eating my all," said Big burger after terrorizing waiters at an Old Country Buffet in Newport News, Virginia for over 7 hours of stop and go feasting.

Big Burger was quite the singer, and would bust a tune quicker than he could bust his jeans on a crowded bus. He would sing anything from SWV to the Canton Spirituals to Christmas carols in the middle of July. "I could always tell what kind of song he would sing by the way he would get to rockin'," says Grace Pitty a frequent rider of the X2 whose stop is Benning & Eads. Big Bruger was quite the dancer, and could be seen in the background of the "Lock It" video, and "2Legit 2Quit".

At the time of his death, Leonard Clement had just finished eating a couple of boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and was headed to Mrs. Ethel Williams watering hose for a cool drink of water. Everyone throughout the neighborhood that a cold pond in her backyard sat just above an undergound well in Shipley Terrace. Big Burger knew that despite the July heat, that the watering hose was guaranteed to be "whole lotta colder that a polar bear's nose" as he would say. Some of the powdered doughnuts left him a bit cotton-mouthed and he was getting a little overheated walking to the backyard. As Big Burger was walking to the backyard he missed a step and fell forward gut first into Ms. Williams pond. Big Burger's profound mass and stomach, covered the pond and left no room for air to escape. Unfortunately Big Burger's face was smothered have in dirt, and half in cold pond water, left him no room for escape. Despite often being called a whale he had no blowhole, and succombed to suffocation.

ReneƩ Capitan's will be selling fish burgers at half-price to remember Leonard "Big Burger" Clement a fallen champeen in the world of life. Copies of his memoirs "Take the World By Both Hands" will be sold with every fish burger, and bootleg copies can be found underneath a stack of Wahington Post Express' at the Deanwood Station.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

PeTunia "Teetsy" Gaines is yet another lonely heart looking for love. She is an urban sociapath who enjoys the upper-eschelon of low-class. This 26-28-30 former Swimming Hole Suit model enjoys cooking, dancing, and $2 cabarets. PeTunia likes to prepare meals for her man and getting romantic all the while.

Teetsy loves to shower her mate with gifts and kisses, lingerie from NightOwls, and even stripping for him right before Monday Night Football. Teetsy's favorite thing to do on Valemtime's Friday, the Friday after pay day, is to put on her newest piece of red lingerie from NightOwls and feed him pork and beans from a champagne glass. She likes to set the mood by showering and wearing her favorite drug store fragrance "Witchhazel", she thinks it is perfume, and dipping her feet in Brutus' Baby Powder. How much more could a man ask for. She loves to fix liver n' onions, turnips, and fried watermelon on these special days. She also enjoys setting the mood with a little romantic cinema, and is a connoseur of Arabic love films. "Princess Jasmine and the Arabian Knights", "The Pakistani Panty Raid", "Jafar's Love Taxi", and "Turks and Cakeholes" are some of her favorites. This would explain Teetsy's undying fetish for gas station attendants and 7-11 employees.

PeTunia was once romanticaly involved with a parking attendant named Akbam, who she called Rex. The two shared parking lot love for over 17 months, but soon ended when Akbam moved to New York to open a nightclub name "Jazzy Kosh Be Gosh". PeTunia is on the market and dog on it, she is looking for love. If you like dipping roasted marshmellow's in pudding while smelling feet, please do not hesitate to call. She keeps her nails done, and her hair did, she is lonely and has no kids. Her apartment smells like chittlins, and that's no kidding, but as a lover she will do your bidding. Please give us a call at 301-455-3534 to get at PeTunia "Teetsy" Gaines.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Sal's Corner

Maybe some of you are fortunate enough to never experience driving a "BUCKET". Well.....I wasn't! I know what it is to be in a "BUCKET" and it can hurt sometimes. The summer is coming to an end and with the cooler weather comes more problems for "BUCKET" drivers. Here are some tips on what you need and what you need to do to weather the storms of "THE BUCKET"

* 50 CENT - You always need 50 CENT in the ride. NO not the rapper but 2 Quarters. "BUCKETS" often get flat tires. A new car will just have a tire rip and its no problem.......go get another tire. A "BUCKET" tire will just need air. It wont ever rip. But you'll put about 32 dollars worth of quarters into the Air Machine in a course of a few months

* AVOID DRIVE THRU's - That's unless you are by yourself. Windows on "BUCKETS" are SHAKY. They might roll down NOW but then they might STAY DOWN when you try to roll them up. You gotta "BUCKET" and you have "Company" in your car, just go inside and order the food.

* CHIVALRY - Now some say Chivalry is dead. Some say it never dies.........but if you drive a "BUCKET" and your woman is riding shotgun, she got to know the deal. She might have to get in on your side..........OR you might gotta get in or her side. Just depends on the day and whether or not the key hole is frozen from the temperature. My suggestion: DONT lock the doors. Just put the club on the wheel and take the face off the radio. Put the rest of the stuff in the trunk. So if you are on a first date..........you can keep the doors unlocked when you go inside and when yall come out, you can FAKE like you are putting a key in the door and open it for chivalry purposes.

* HOT WATER/COLD WATER - In the summer, always keep a jug of water for overheating. In the winter always walk out of the house with a Hot cup of water to pour over your door to avoid freezing. Put it like this.....you always need water with a "BUCKET"

* JUMPER CABLES - You betta have these........its not even an option. Your car will cut off on you at the most embarrasing points. People will lie to you........"No I dont have Jumper cables". SO ALWAYS have some. Because I'll tell you.........if you ask someone for Jumper Cables..........they'll STOP. They'll stop and say "I wish I had some, I would help you". So BAIT them in. ASK THEM for cables so they can throw that SLUM line out there and then you can say "OH I have some right here". They're stuck now.

* WHEN YOU STOP, PUT IT IN PARK - "BUCKETS" run low sometimes. They run so low they almost cut off. When you stop, put it in park and rev up the gas. Nevermind the idiot in the Acura TL next to you thinking you wanna race him. "Nigga Im just tryna keep my car on"

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Thursday, August 11, 2005

By Salvador Gabor

National Niggagraphic in association with "THE BLACK PENTAGON" presents the first and initial installment of "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?". JUST when you thought they were gone, this segment showcases certain types of folk that may have slipped under your radar.

Today's installment will be dedicated to the Grey yet Frizzled Jheri Curl. YES, many people are HOLDING desperately to their Jheri's. Most of these folk are over the age of 40 and they are greying very rapidly. Even despite the refutes by kids and grandkids, ole Rodney is holding on to his hair. He likens it to Sampson. Yet there is NO power in a 21st Century Jheri Curl.

You have to watch these "Last of the Mohican" Jheri Curls. It's something strange about the people who wear these do's today. For one, they arent as moisterized as they once were. Its always as if they want that stiff look about themselves. You can catch them at Buffet's. They don't like fancy restaurants. Thats why you haven't seen them. The frizzled Jheri Curl enhances their emotions. Thats why cry when they drink and feel a need to SING a song at a retirement party or at a birthday party or reception instead of the conventional "2 or 3 words".

I pity these folks, for even in the midst of their outdated hairdo's, they dont even think enough of themselves to walk forward in life in other areas. They still wear old clothes such as faded tight black jeans and leather vests. And often time you can see them crusin' in a CONVERSION van. The kind with the CB antennas on the back and the "My other car is a Buick" stickers. The grey yet frizzled Jheri Curl wearer often just sits in their CONVERSION van. They may ride over to see "Mamma Nem" but never gets out. Lucille's grandbaby will come out to the car and give them a plate to go.

The grey yet, frizzled jheri curl wearer is around yet, he/she is quite depressed. It's hard not being able to go to your grandkids assemblies because the kids will tease them about their grandfather. Its hard for a woman with this look to go to the hairdresser. These young cosmetologists have no idea of what to do with FRIZZLE.

So the question at hand is.........where do they go from here.......not WHERE are they? We know where they are now. We have to figure out how to lead them into modern times. Kids, be a bridge into the future if this is your "big mamma" or "Pa-Pa" im referring to. Let them know its ok to put away the "Whats Love Gotta Do With It" Tina Turner albums and the Frankie Beverly T-Shirts. Its OK! IT REALLY IS. Take the spoons down off the wall. Let it go. We are no longer there. It takes hard work but kids its in your grandparents and uncles and aunts' best interest.

For more info on Jheri Intervention please contact Pegues Marchall at (301) 455-3534 or email us at info@unjherimycurl.com

Monday, August 08, 2005

Sal's Corner

Ya know.........as always Im here to help my readers. Now I assume that the majority of my readers are of African-American decent. BUT, I never rule out the possibility that many people from other beautiful cultures are looking on as well. And in their observation, they may look to me to be as a bridge of sorts for their communication barriers with "black folk". We can be some hard to figure out folk when it comes to speech and language. Somehow, language and slang got mixed in together in our community and you can't tell the difference from the outside. Well, to all my Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, Greek, British, French and other people........Im here to shed a slight amount of light on the situation. I have some words/phrases that you may hear us say. I want you to understand what's going on. So here is an inside look at SOME of the phrases and words we MISUSE or USE that you can't understand.

Won't - "Won't" is usually used as a future tense type of word. Something you will not do in the near to far future. Example: "I WONT be going to the concert tonight". Now as you can see, the concert is tonight (future tense). Now with black people, especially in Middle-Virginia all the way thru the Carolinas, "WONT" is a past tense. They replace WASN'T with "WONT". "I WONT going to school last year when Momma was sick". People.......I CANT explain WHY these people use the word in the wrong tense but they do. Just know when you hear it that its the PAST tense.

Mind You - "Mind You" is often used in Black Language and dialect as a phrase that keeps your attention. In the midst of all the neck-jerkin and teeth smackin and finger-pointing that many black folks do when tellin a story about something or somebody that done ticked them, you can get lost. He/she keeps pointing and making noises and you are distracted. There is something in a black person's brain that triggers a response when "MIND YOU" is said in the story. Usually when listening, you fall in and out of the convo.....so "MIND YOU" let's you know this is an IMPORTANT piece of the story to KEEP IN MIND. Why we make it so hard and say "MIND YOU" and not simply "KEEP in MIND" is a question I can't answer for you. JUST know that "MIND YOU" is usually followed by something important to hear.

That's Neither Here Nor There - While "MIND YOU" denotes very important info........"That's neither here nor there" usually is needless info. The sad thing is.......you dont KNOW until AFTER they say it to you during the story. Some dude maybe talkin about a female they met. "MIND YOU....I was fresh to death in my Polo Sweater but.....that's neither here nor there....so I said whats up to shawty". See according to the rules, "MIND YOU" is an "attention getter" but......... sometimes a "That's neither here nor there" might slide in at the end. And you are confused. Just another way Black People like to draw attention themselves for no reason.

The First - This maybe the most un-understood (if thats a word) phrase in Black Language. "The First" is basically a term used to describe a vital requirement that a person lacks. Example: "This nigga is driving 80 Miles an Hour and he dont have a License THE FIRST". Or........."How Charlie buying all them clothes and he dont have a job THE FIRST". Once again I can't tell you HOW this term came into play or WHY it's here. Its totally unnecessary, if you ask me. But "THE FIRST" is a popular term in the Black Language. It also has financial implementations as well but hey........."that's neither here nor there."

Tap/Swig - These two are used as requests to partake some of another person's drink. Swig denotes saliva. So refrain from saying "Lemme get a SWIG of dat"

All Up in Thru Here - "All Up in Thru Here" is normally a term that leads you to know that the person speaking has some high level of "say-so" within the domain in which you two are standing. Parents often times use it. "GAL, you not gonna be having no men ALL UP IN THRU HERE". If you ever go to a house in the African-American community, you dont know WHO owns the house and you hear this phrase, that will let you know immediately

This, That & The Third - People........I can't describe WHAT this phrase mean. You'd think "This, That & The Third" was referring to a Grandfather, Father and Son with the same name. Who knows. This phrase usually is put into use when a person wants to avoid a question. Someone may ask you what you talked about with another person. "Oh we talked about This, That & the Third". Other terms such as "Blahzay Blahzay" and/or "Whooptay Whoop" maybe used as well.

These are just a FEW phrases, words & terms to look out for when speaking to Black Folk. I will keep you in the know as more info is revealed. For more info on "Nigga Talk" please refer to http://www.niggasjustdontknowhowtoact.com/slanguage Also feel free to call Arlanda Quattlebaum at (301) 455-3534 for the latest in Slang News

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Thursday, August 04, 2005


A good friend of mine is running a marathon on behalf of AIDS Research. I KNOW we JOKE on here alot but this is serious. For more info read directly below

Just click here to support her in this amazing endeavor and check out her
personal Website:

If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please contact Maikeyza Brown at
Bigelow28@hotmail.com, or through her AIDS website.

By Salvador Gabor

BLACK & BUNK Magazine spotlights Cise Montgomery. Cise Montgomery is a lifelong DC native known for his promoting skills. Cise has hyped up many of elementary schoolyard fights since 1973. He even charged students to see the fights in the bathrooms and hallways of K.C. Miller Elementary and Terrell Jr. High School. In 1981, Cise graduated from Spingarn High School and went on the pursue a career in boxing which was short lived when he took a "dive" and purposely lost a fight in exchange for $2,500. Cise hyped up his friends to bet on him as he took on Arthur Jacobs at the Convention Center. Cise got his big money associates all rowled up and they placed heavy bets ON him. Meanwhile, he was betting against himself and others were too. Some of the big money betters offered him the $2,500 to lose purposely and he did so. He won his secret bets AND walked away with $2,500. His friends eventually found out about his secret bet and they didnt get too mad. "Thats just CISE being CISE" says Alfred Jenkins, a childhood friend of Cise.

Cise would go on and make all of his friends alot of money. He also kept his friends in trouble so they got used to being fooled and hyped up for nothing. His name even became the basis for slang in Washington, D.C. "Anytime somebody would hype us up all for nothing we would say 'Nigga you CISING, or thats a CISE'" says Benjamin "Tulie" Moncrief. CISE was truly a hypeman of his time period. As he grew older, he began to utilize his abilities to his advantage. He began promoting boxing matches, parties, "speak easy's" and other local events in the D.C. area in the 80's. "He could get ANYBODY hyped about ANY event. He could sell an African a Wool Jacket" says Monte Williams.

Cise became a big name in the city of Washington, D.C. Although he reached maximum profits from being a "hypeman", this all came at the disapproval of his father. John Montgomery better known as "PREcise" was a man of truth. He once was a promoter in the 50's and 60's. But his truthful ways through and through made it hard for him to keep business. "If the party wasnt pumpin, he would tell you. He'd say its gonna cost you 10 to get in but, no ones in there. Cise didnt take after his father at all" says Junkie Wayne from Silver Spring. "Precise" was always about one thing..........telling you EXACTLY what the deal was. He was called "PRE-Cise" because he was before CISE and also he was always on point, correct and exactly where he needed to be. Cise always found a way to add on to the story. "See Cise right........he the type of nigga that will tell you the party jumpin JUST cause its ONE pretty girl in there and HE got her number, that nigga aint right, Im tellin you" says Darnell McGruder

As the years have gone by, CISE has continued to make profits off of the easily fooled people of this world. CISE was rumored to have made $2,537,000 since 1987 from hyping people to join pyramids alone. CISE was also subpoenaed to the District of Columbia Court System for 37 murder and assault trials throughout the mid to late 90's. "He was quick to tell a dude.........MAN SHOOT THAT NIGGA" says Randy Glover.

CISE's legacy will live on forever. There will never be a better hypeman in the streets of Washington, D.C. Never again will we see such promotion of gambling, fighting and foolish investments. BLACK & BUNK spotlights.................Cise Montgomery.............one of the best Nigga Entreprenuers of the Century

This presentation was brought to you by Miss Wallace's Plus Size Models. To see her models go to http://www.kentuckyfriedchicken.gov/doublexnighties

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Mind Your Own Market
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

We as a people feel the need to market ourselves, whether it is for a job, a mate, or maybe for a little self esteem influx. However we don't tend to our store, we don't mind our market carefully. Let's take a look at how we can better solicit some of our good and not so obvious qualities.

Ladies shall we plan accordingly and eliminate those Rudolph panties. If you know you are lingering around your 25th day let's dress with respect to it. Nobody wants to see those Rudolph the red crotch panties. Let's cross our legs and wear not so snug pastel pants. Turquoise and cinammon just doesn't say mingle, it says single and very available but doesn't enhance the mingle. Shall we let the paint dry before opening the store, mind your market.

To all these Atlanta Falcons, aka the dirty birds, wash your hands when you come out the bathroom. This credo is unisex and must be bound by law. Aint no telling how much tear you encountered with your buttshield wipers. You got a fresh manicure and a brown rindstone sitting right there on your pointer, sister that aint right. Fellas, all that handshaking you are about to do at lunchtime alone and you know good and well you too have crossed harmin's finish line. Hey hey hey, all that fecal fellowship is uncalled for. Keep the store clean and mind your market.

Big guys let's stop hawking after the ladies in their snug summer attire. Everyone takes a look every now and then, but my big guys just get noticeably excited. They'll chat the ladies up, and all the while the mouth is hanging open and they get to doing that "up-snore". Just makes you want to say, "Big boy you aint sleep stop snoring before you huff and puff and blow one her breasts clean out her bra." Oh ladies if you want a little picker upper in the self esteem department, find your nearest big dude. He'll make you feel real, real xrayed like you getting a CAT-scan on nature's meow. Big guys let's properly ventilate yourself, keeps your market from getting to hot. Let's get that front door swinging open and stop running that big fan, cuts down on that effort-electricity.

Let's be sure to mind our own market. Let's keep the store shelves stocked with good things and price them accordingly. Don't sell a box of love for $.97, you're selling it too cheap, unless stank butt is working your loading dock. In that case you might need help from the Better Bidness Bureau. Let's keep the storefront clean, some markets aren't that pretty on the outside, but keep it clean and stocked on the inside. A dirty market might get you some quick money, but you don't want your target group going somewhere else. Let stank be not divine in your attitude or breath, but be yet not freaky with Antoine or Seth. Have a happy day and unbutton your pants if that pot roast makes a b-line for the paper bowel roll.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Sal's Corner

When I first started this site I vowed never to steer my folk in a bad direction or towards a path that they need not travel. So as always "Im just doing ma' job". I gotta keep yall straight. See this summer is HOT and all of yall acting like the Fall aint coming. Every year we go through this. It's as if niggas aint NEVER seen snow before or a brown crumbly leaf or two. So before you get engulfed in this heat, remember the cool and cold shall come. I'm just hear to tell you who to stay away from during the fall

* PEOPLE W/ BROKEDOWN CARS - Granted, im not in the clear on this subject but people.........we're getting to old to be riding in cars with No Heat or windows that wont roll up. FORD's are the only cars that are guaranteed to have heat but they also have faulty windows. So its a 50/50 situation, ya dig? Everything else is up in the air. Just make sure the people you're riding with have HEAT and good windows that roll up.

* LADIES WEARING PONCHOS - YEAH........I KNOW I MENTIONED THIS ONE MANY TIMES BEFORE.........SO WHAT! IM SAYING IT AGAIN, AND WHAT? Im not gonna stop till the people making these dont make NO MO MONEY. Im tired of yall women and this hairy sheets yall wear over yall. And the attitude yall attain once you put them on. You can't say nothing to a woman with a PONCHO on. It must be the material. Like my mother always says "Im a FIX you". Im a start cutting up rugs and putting holes in em and selling em. If I gotta deal wit yall women this fall and these ponchos, Im gonna at least make some money off them

* PEOPLE WHO TRYNA MOVE OUTTA TOWN - Niggas always tryna move to North Carolina, Houston or Atlanta. Like a move will magically make their life different. YOU gotta learn how to live where you ARE first. Its nothing wrong with wanting to move if you gotta plan or if the city you wanna live in fits more with your career. If you are an actor........moving to L.A. might be the best move. Music may lead you to New York but if you just mad cause your job aint paying enough and you done ran outta websites to BS on during the day, take a cold shower

* AMATEUR HOME IMPROVEMENT DUDES - If you own a house, remember its an investment. Spend good money on it. Bill and Nook aren't the niggas to rely on to do work on your house. You want a Jacuzzi installed dont rely on them niggas. Im telling you!!!!!!!!! Drunk Painters are tricky as well. Niggas come in your house wit BUD ICE and a radio. Its a wrap. Then you take off work JUST to be there but, they wanna talk to you ALL DAY. Nigga Im here but dont act like Im here..........just paint.

* CHURCHES WITH OLD SIGNS - You ever been to a church and you walk up and the sign on the outside says "120th Anniversary" but then as you read on its says "1865-1985"? That sign has been up there for 20 years. Come on now? I know its only 3 members in the church including the pastor but, one of em could hold the ladder and the other two could get up there and pull that old sign down? Dontcha think? I mean if I walk to a church and see a 20-year old sign I gotta question the growth going on in the church.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"