Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Sal's Corner
"That's MY MOMMA"

Dont you say nothing bad about my momma. Since we are celebrating BLACK HISTORY MONTH, I wanted to put together a special dedication to the Black mothers. Let's look at some celebrity mothers in our African-American Community

Ann Iverson (Mother of Allen Iverson)

How can you NOT love Ann Iverson. Anybody THAT willing to be a BAMMA to support their son is good with me. If you gonna be a one for your oldest son. She is there with him through THICK and THIN. And he makes her proud. Now, yall know I wasnt gonna let her slide. She has some work to do though. A-I got to slow her down on her Jersey intake. She be having on too many baseball caps, wild corner store 6X jerseys and varsity. Miss knocking on 50's door. Cut that bamma stuff out babes.

Gloria James (Mother of LeBron James)

She has taken "Baby Momma" to another level with her antics. Her name is "Lil A-I Mother Junior". Once bout to be 45 out here on these streets. Take them jerseys off. We know who you are. If the resemblance dont show us you LeBron mother.....the bling will. You out here giving Miss Ann a run for her money.

Janice Combs (Mother of Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs)

See are wrong. JUST wrong. You WAY over 50.....what you doing with Blonde hair? You's an old freak aintcha? I know you are. You gotta watch Black Women over 50 with RED and BLONDE hair. Old freaks....thats what they are. Be done had an orgy with ALL her son's friends. They gonna have a sextape with her and "Da Band" and a special appearance by R. Kelly peeing in her Blood Pressure Medicine Bottle. Keep on putting all that dye in yo' head.....messing around and have a Hot Flash and sweat that coloring out

Tina Knowles (Mother of Beyonce Knowles)

Ole freaky aintcha? I know you is! Your name bout to be "Freak Tina" from NOW ON. Look atchu.....all them crimps in your hair. What you doing with CRIMPS. You need a plain Press N Curl on that head of yours. I know your kind though. Tina is the kind that be the first to have her daughters on birth control. Thats why Beyonce was thick as a horse at 15. I could see Tina and Beyonce going to the family function. A 15-year old MULE walking through the door an everyone saying "Girl Tina done put B on them pills.........child look at her HIPS". Tina steady convincing her mother and sisters that its alright for her daughter to be having sex. She probably was buying the girl short skirts to go find a man.

Afeni Shakur (Mother of Tupac Shakur)

Most mothers have problems with sons when they get to be teenagers. Especially when the father of the child is not present. Kids get to be too "mannish" and smart-acting. And alot of times arguements start over the use of the phone, eating up all the food and coming in late. Afeni and Tupac looked like they argued over WEED. " I know my bag was laying here". "Momma that was MY bag". "I know my weed Tupac....yours is downstairs. Plus I bought mines straight from Kenny on 33rd and he the only nigga on this side of town with yellow bags. NOW where's my weed".

BONUS: Shaunie O'Neal (WIFE of Shaquille O'Neal)

Now she is NOT the MOTHER of Shaq but.....she looks as if she plays the role of his mother from time to time. Ive observed her and of all the athletes' wives........she seems to be the one that don't play! Juanita tried to divorce MJ but then........he smoothed talked her while putting that $200 Million back in his pocket. Cookie found out Magic had A.I.D.S. and still let him stay. Vanessa didnt have to catch Kobe........the Eagle County Sherriff Department catch him. And YET, she kept em. Big Shaunie aint having it. No sir. Let any or all of the above had have happen to Shaq..........light out captain. Slim looks like she dont be playing NO types of games with Shaq. Let him get smart and say "This my money" or something like that........she might slap that grown man. Thats HER money. He just makes it. Shaq aint got no "say-so" in that house. Big Shaun runs the show. Im sure he is awoken by "Nigga get yo' BIG feet off the coffee table" and "Im not washing these rank drawls no mo ok!" all the time.

BLACK can you NOT love em. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Sal's Corner

She is the most interesting creature known to man. Every Black woman is unique but, alot of them have the same characteristics. Black men love the Black Woman. White Men are intrigued by the Black Woman. Spanish Men sometimes step in place of the Black man for the Black Woman. AND the Chinese man usually makes ALOT of money off the Black Woman. All in all She is our woman. Let's talk about "THE BLACK WOMAN"

* The Bigger The Better - BIG Black Women get more action with men than any other women alive. It aint nothing like a sweet smelling, good cooking, Big woman to take care of you. White Women who are big wanna lose weight. Spanish women who are big come close but the sex appeal of a BIG Black Woman is unmatched. When other BIG women shy away it's the BLACK woman who is in the middle of the floor doing the Humpty Hump. When other BIG women give is the Black Woman trying to get them stretch pants on. Knowing her butt is as wide as a bus but....she will get them jeans on.

* What Can a Man DO? - Attention to all men of other races. They say once you go black, you dont go back...............when you make that choice of dating a black prepared. A Black woman will drive you crazy if you aint ready. You ever notice that Black Men go gray alot faster than other men? Niggas be like 21, when thinning hairlines and gray hair. The volume of a Black Woman's voice is deafening. Dont take out that trash and see what happens. "LEROOOOOOOOOOOOOY..........WHERE ARE YOU?". I'd rather be stabbed than hear a Black Woman have to raise her voice. Sometimes you dont know WHAT to do. Just get out of a Black Woman's way. Trust and believe if you cant get it done, she will pick you up and move you so SHE can.

* Chastisement - You will not get hit with the bare hand of a Black Woman. She keeps her nails done too often for that. But a High Heel Shoe, belt, extension cord, tree branch or a Nintendo controller will suffice. And she HAS to talk to you while she beats you. And at some point "I told you" will be said. This could be a NEW crime you committed and she'll say "DIDNT I TELL YOU........."

* A BLACK WOMAN WITH POWER - You ever ran into a Black Female Cop? A Black Female Judge? A Black Female Inspector of any sorts? I guess not.........all of those people have no access to computers to read this.......cause they all are locked up. Black women in power means death to anyone who opposes them. I get pulled over and I see a Black Female Cop walking to my car I almost begin to shed tears. You are going DOWN believe that.

* Crying in front of a Black Woman - Three Words: DONT DO IT. If she has an attitude and you buss out in tears you might just hear her say "Shut up you big B*TCH!". The Black Woman cant stand to see no man cry. That might work with other women but the BLACK WOMAN...........OH NO. You better be a man about it. Man up nigga!

* Eating Out - The Black Woman is the hardest person to please when you go out to eat. They always wanna see the manager. Its ALWAYS something in their food too. Im 25 years old and (God Bless) Ive never known a man to have something in his food. Women.........ahhhemm...BLACK WOMEN ALWAYS got something in their food. Hair, bugs, or something. They can't never go out or order in and everything go good. They get food poisoning or SOMETHING from time to time. They always picky on WHO cooked the food. "I dont like Lorraine's Egg Salad". "Did Moochie make that? If so Im OK". "Vanessa's kitchen aint clean enough for me". I dont know why yall trippin, we ALL nasty when it come down to it. You dont wash your hands when you had em all in your nose and no one is home. But I aint gonna call yall out.......I love yall anyway.

This article was all in fun and games. What's most important to me is that Black Women have been essential to my well being. From my mother to my sisters, all the way to those people who I have worked with. I've always had a strong BLACK woman put in my path and it's helped me. We are ALL thankful for the power that BLACK women have within. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Black News & Notes
by: Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Maybell & Stuward Bell are two proponents for the Black New Year getting on the calendar this year. These negro community leaders of the Greater Augusta area, believe that the Black New Year begins somewhere between Dr. King's birthday, and February. They really aren't sure where they want to start this movement as they are often confused about which bus route to take to get to Kroger's. However, it is a thought, even if their minds are sick and shut-in, they still try to able-up some black gumption.

Stangela Harper wrote and starred in her own black production of "Troy and 'em". This story takes the old story of Helen of Troy and puts an urban spin on it. Stangela, is the daughter of the famed Stanley Harper and Eveyln Ashny-Harper the two great playwrights who wrote "Brenda's Got a Baby", and "Uptown Feelings". Stangela stars in "Troy and 'em" as Keisha of Troy, a strong and promiscuous woman with strong views on the military and romance for one's country. This Black epic begins with "Keisha" dating the Vicelord's leader "Derekus", and two-timing with a member of the Wild Hundred's, "Bobarticus". The play is being converted to a movie this August, so be on the lookout for it. It is rumored that Gangsta-Boo, or some other hoodrat could claim the lead, or that of some freaky servant girl.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Sal's Corner
"Lessons in Love 101"

Im not a love doctor. Im not a love expert. Hey.....I'm not even in a relationship but.......I did stay at a Red Roof Inn.'s that time again. Valentine's Day. The day that often times defines relationships. Since we are talking about love, I wanted to say a few things about the topic from my view point. Let me add that this is JUST my viewpoint. But are my lessons in love

* Understand what LOVE is - Alot of people are in LUST, INFATUATION or just simply feel that if I can't have him/her.......nobody can. Dont just say "I Love You". Find out what Love is. Reflect back on your life and think of those family members, friends and past "special friends" who you feel have loved you. Think about why you thought their feelings for you were loving feelings. Take note of those actions, words and thoughts of kindness relayed to you through those special people. THEN from that, show love to the one you're with now.

* Be Happy Single First - Never rely on a Human Being to bring happiness. We are mortals. We die, or we leave you at some point. It's simple as that.

* Love yourself first and foremost - You've already found out what LOVE is.........then you are happy while being single but if you find someone........hey........stay true to you. If things go sour....oh well. You can't always brush off EVERYTHING like it's nothing. We aren't robots but...........if someone doesnt like you, it aint the end of the world. Understand your worth.

* Tip for Ladies: Stop telling these guys about who you used to mess with. Yall kill me. We mention some athlete or entertainer and yall buss out......."YEAH I used to talk to him". "He tried to get my number". "I went out with him one time". "He has a nice house.......Keisha and I went over there once". WE DONT WANNA HEAR THAT. Unless I point out some Point Guard on TV and ASK YOU did you mess with him.......dont tell me. Yall be thinking that's cute too. The whole time, we are sitting there with the tight face.......cause we think you and that Wide Receiver from the Bengals mighta REALLY did something. We thinking "Did she do this?" "Did she do THAT". "Is it ON TAPE". Dont reveal TOO MUCH to us. Some things we just cant take. Girls in big cities like LA, NY and DC are the worst. They quick to say they was with Stephon Marbury, Rod Strickland or Shaq or somebody. We be in the house scared to watch Basketball cause we cant even stomach watching the Knicks play the Lakers. In the future just hold some things in.

* Tip for Fellas: MAKE THE DECISION. About 4 or 5 years ago, a revelation came upon me. Women like men who are decisive. They hate a man who can't make THE decision. Even when it comes down to where you guys go out to eat. Or what you want to eat for dinner. And for the past 4 or 5 years I thought that was the stupidest thing known to man. I always thought.........WHY........Does it really matter. I didn't care where we ate, as long as I was with a young lady that I took interest just didnt matter. Fish or chicken? Steak or Ribs? Collard greens or Okra? I didnt care. Italian or Chinese? Soul Food or Gourmet? Your momma's house or My momma's. It didnt matter. But it matters to women. They like to give challenges but they dont enjoy taking a challenge. So a decision to them could take a while. They'd rather US be the one to make it. They are fully capable of making it but, they would MUCH rather us make it. And now that I'm older.....I understand that we HAVE to make the decision or else.........Or else, we'll be riding around for 2 hours looking for a parking space right in front of the Costco. YES fellas, we have to make the decisions. JUST for that reason. You ride with your woman to the store and let her decide where we should park. She'll wait RIGHT in front of the store on Christmas Eve.......with ALL intentions on parking right in front of the store. We gotta step in and say "It's ok to park a block away". "Does this look nice on me?" "Which dress looks better?"..........You better make the decision or you gonna be sitting in the "husband section" of the mall ALL SATURDAY LONG. It's the little decisions that mean ALOT and women will take all day. Just step in and make a decision and you can save alot of time if you just step up.

Bonus: This is no charge. I'll give it to you for free.

*** LOVE your mate like you love your kids, TREAT them like you treat your friends: How do you love your kids? With all your heart. No matter how much they DONT appreciate your love, you still love them. You love them KNOWING one day they will appreciate it. How do you treat your friends? You treat them as adults. You give them space. You are usually understanding to your friends and their needs to venture and do things that are specific to them.

But you know what WE do. We LOVE our mates like we love our friends and TREAT them like we treat our kids. With our friends, we love them but they come and go. Sometimes we lose contact. Sometimes we beef over petty issues. And then when you get 50 or 60, you don't have many friends to call on. They are just faces in the wind. And we treat our kids.......LIKE KIDS. They have to obey our rules. There is no negotiation. They obey US and we dont listen to them. WE RUN the show. Parent to child relationships aren't democratic by a long shot.

It's just a few thoughts of mine on this Valentine's Day. Don't mind me........"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Monday, February 07, 2005

Sal's Corner
"Older Parents"

Moms and Pops had me when they were 34 and 40 years old respectively. So naturally I had an old fashioned household. They are also from the country so that adds 10 years to them automatically. I love my parents and I have shared my stories with friends about them. I have friends who also have what would be considered "older parents" and Ive found some common denominators for how they raise their kids.

* Clothes: You can forget making a fashion statement. For some reason they see the "good" clothes and walk to the rack on the other side of the store. Your shoes might not even come in a box. You might gotta pick thru a pile for the same size, same shoe. Luckily I had older siblings that had jobs that helped me shop.

* Lunch: First off all, older parents aint letting you eat AT school. You are getting a breakfast before you leave for school. Second off, your packed lunch wouldnt be no lunchables or Capri Suns. You might open your bag and have some leftover Neckbones and Squash with a note to your teacher saying "Mrs. Washington please warm up LenDale's food at 11:55, so it can be nice and hot by 12:00".

* Going up to the School: Older parents aint really into the PTA scene. You might not see them participating in the school bake sales nor will they be walking from door to door helping you sell pizzas but......if that teacher calls home.....that old mother will be up at that school. Rollers in her hair and all. If mamma got them rollers on.......she means hear me........bidness! And she DONT care about her hair not being out. She might whip you IN the school yard. And you in the 11th Grade!

* Spending Money on Food: Please.......McDonalds? Try this ham sammich that is leftover from Thanksgiving aight! Going out for Ice Cream? It's plenty of Ice Cream in the house. Yall know....the chocolate, vanilla and strawberry carton. My mother used to pop her own popcorn and put in a huge duffel sized bag when we went to the circus or to the amusement park. Peanut Butter and Jelly sammiches and store brand sodas. You betta believe it baby!

* Coming in the House: Young parents trust their kids..........too much. Curfews and so forth are now loose. "He's a kid....let em live" is what the young folks say. OH NO. Moms was letting you know when it was time to get in the house. Whether it was the street light, calling Mrs. Ruby's house, or cutting the porch light on, you was gonna get THE message. Some of us tried to act cute. "I can stay out as long as I want" But, the whole time, you standing RIGHT in front of the house. That DIDNT matter. Stand right there.......go on and stand RIGHT there. Moms might flick that light about 23 times. That will blow your cover buddy. And dont be around the corner somewhere.........shoot she might crank up that ole Deville and come looking for you. The last thing you want to do is make a mother get up out her bed wit her gown on, some rollers and the 3/4 length leather coat with the belt hanging. Its a wrap!

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Negresscent Classifieds
by: Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Brother Donald McCall is an independent worker in the Black Government. For those of you who are unaware, the Black Government gets things done, where the Government fails. Brother McCall has been a chef, cafeteria worker, masseuse, among other things for many years. His adaptation of "knuckling up" at the Soft Hands Massagment and Big Fellas Moving Company has earned him the Soft Hands Successman of the Year award for three years running.

Brother McCall is also a trained killer in the art KuCumBro, an art of death-striking using kitchen goods and equipment. He was once sent on a mission by Huey Newton himself to eliminate a racist presence in Boston after a bad Red Sox loss. Brother McCall eliminated the target a one Dick McDonald, in a back alley using a trash can a squash full of razor blades.

Brother McCall is issuing resumes and claim slips for those needing his service, whether it is killing or sandwich assembly. He was recently let go from Subway because his sandwich designs were thought to be too radical. A lover of BBQ sauce, pork, and cole slaw, Subway found themselves not quite ready for the types of sandwiches Brother McCall prepared. His ColeTrain with cheese, a delicious Michelob-aged corned beef sandwich with swiss cheese served with potato salad was a little too extreme for the squares at Subway. A down to earth man whose has prepared chicken soup for a group he later killed, is looking for work and needs your help. If you need a killer or a cook he's your man. Call 301-455-3534 xBBQ on your touch tone phone.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

"Black History Month Part 1: Funny Valentines"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

The month of February has come, and everyone is worried about finding love, lust, and/or romance over some cheap wine on the warm hood of a cold car. The Love Month, where teddy bears and chocolate are swapped and trips to the Poconos are conjured up at a moments notice. Ahh the smell the love in the snow, playful snowballs being thrown as naked lovers play frisky games. Isn't this what February is all about.

If that is what February means to you, then you are sadly mistaken. February is a time for incense and reflection. Light the "khush", and grab a beer of your choice, let's talk. Let's talk about Blacks and Black Love, that is what February is about. It is a month of enjoying one another, fellas when you are pumping your gas, pull on in the car wash and make some Gas Station Love while nobody's looking. Sit back and think about all the funny valentine's those oh so funny valentines. When you and Linda got caught humping outside the car on the basketball court. How about the time you thought you were going to spend Valentine's Day alone, so you went to the bar to watch the game, and wound up in the kitchen with Shelly the waitress. What about the Valentine's Day you wound up with your date's mother "helping her out in the kitchen".

Oh those Valentine's those funny Valentine's, those days when you wind up with the 47 year old neighbor after you shoveled your front. What about when you where in 10th grade and snuck into the girl's bathroom for some 12th grade tutoring. Aint February beautiful, the time for black love. Ashford & Simpson is playing and things are getting hot and heavy in the station wagon. You've snuck in Asia's window and lil Toots is sleep. Ahh the smell of juvenile adventure, welcome to February. The time for tongue-kisses so deep that you wind up with Thelma's Bazooka gum.

Enter February the month where love and snow bring sniffles and snot, kisses and hugs are thick as blood clots, ripples keep spreading thru love's lake and each time you're with her your heart beats as hard as the earth quakes. The focus of February is oftentimes Love, sometimes drunken, and other times half-clothed, and always more fun when her lawn is half mowed. Happy loving you Cupid's, Athena's, and Zeus' just don't coke yourself in one of lust's nooses.

P.S. Don't frown upon the not-so-attractive because every booger gets picked, and some get eaten