Friday, July 30, 2004

"Ronnie Gaskins' Retirement Press Conference"
By Salvador Gabor

This is somewhat "breaking news" in the card playing industry. Spades legend Ronnie Gaskins, decides to put down his hand for the final time. Ronnie, the 38-year old Verizon Phone Technician sees no need to prolong his retirement from the card playing/speak-easy industry. Introduced to the game in the hallways of Ballou High School, located in Washington, D.C., he went from the ranks of Junior 3rd Floor Tunk Champion to the #1 Contender for the Ballou/Spingarn Spades Co-Championship. He and his avid partner, Jo-Jo Wiggins have defeated many of their competitors in a destructive fashion. They held the highest average for "books" bidded in the entire city. 10.5 books a game was an astonishing number to bid. They ran "Boston's" on almost every opponent in at least one hand during matchups. Ronnie and ole Jo-Jo were surely a tandem to be reckoned with. I had the chance to be in attendance for the retirement press conference and I have some of the manuscript from the event

Ronnie: Good evening and a special "Wuz up witchall niggas" going out to all in attendence. It is with great sadness, yet great joy that I announce my retirement from the D.C. Area Speak-easy/Card League. This was a hard decision but, one that had to be made. I came to this point in my life when talking to my good friend Jo-Jo. I mean, niggas is getting older. We like 38 now. It's time for a new generation of card players. I shot dice, I played cards, and I even tried to play video games. I'm a gambler at heart but, it's no need anymore. I'm tired of the games and I want to take some rest. I don't have much more to say but if there any questions, feel free

Reporter: So Ronnie, what will Jo-Jo do without you?

Ronnie: Thats my nigga fo sho! He still shooting dice down on 15th & V. Occasionally, he'll go up the hill on Belmont and play some cee-lo. He aint ready to leave yet but, he understood my decision

Reporter: Do you think that as a tandem, there will ever be any two players like you and Jo-Jo?

Ronnie: Understand this........Jo-Jo and Ronnie ran this city. But we never RAN this city. You follow me........See we didnt have to run around looking for players. Alot of clowns came looking for us. And we always cleaned up! Believe that champ. Many may try to be us, and even if they are the next Ronnie and Jo-Jo, that's an honor for someone to wanna be Ronnie or Jo-Jo.

Reporter: Speakeasy's and card playing are sports that most don't BEGIN until their 30's, why retire so early!?!?!?

Ronnie: I don't really have the patience to play wit dem old folks. The game goes by too slow. Them old fat women wanna hit on a nigga. Too many distractions. Plus, Jo-Jo has been leaning more to shooting dice.

Reporter: Can we look forward to seeing you shoot some dice anytime soon?

Ronnie: I might do a lil bit of side-betting on Jo-Jo but, other than that.........naw I can't see it.

Reporter: I saw an interview on the Salvador Gabor Report months ago about Ricardo "Shake Em Up" Baker, he has reportedly challenged you and Jo-Jo to shoot some craps. You're telling me that you would decline such a challenge?

Ronnie: Always know that niggas will be niggas. Dice is 'Cardo's game. I do it but, for real, I aint into being on my knees that long. I don't do too much on my knees other than pray. Any man on his knees as long as 'Cardo has a "problem" if you know what I mean.

Reporter: That seems to be a low-blow?

Ronnie: Call it how you see it, I may not shoot dice but, I still Slap-Box. And you can tell 'Cardo that the next time he go running and issuing challenges!!!

Reporter: Any last words?

Ronnie: I live by this quote, "Never Re-Nig.......MY Nig!"

Well, there you have it........a legend for the ages. Will we see Ronnie and Jo-Jo take another stab at a Spades Championship? Will we see one team stay on the table for 15 hours as Ronnie and Jo-Jo did one summer night after Minnesota Ave. Day? Will we ever ever ever see the likes of Ronnie Gaskins? We will never know. But, we'll always be on the lookout

This is Salvador Gabor signing off.

This sports update was brought to you by Winkie's Pharmaceuticals. "If you love it, we can drug it" For more info call Big Winkie at (301)455-3534

Thursday, July 29, 2004

"Political Outlook: DNC"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

This week is a very important time in American politics. Many valuable opinions are made, choices about our future, and billions of dollars potentially change hands this week. With these national conventions going on, wealth and opportunity as well as safety and education find themselves in a political connundrum. The "DNC" addresses these issues and more.

The "Dice-a-cratic National Convention" is being held in Oakland, CA this year. It is at the "DNC" where future leaders are made, and where current leaders establish themselves as the makers takers and shakers of society. A place where politics are discussed, from Bush-Kerry to Tom and Jerry, from the Capitol to the Crapitol, from the if's and but's of the Cuban Missile Crisis to fifths and cards cut over Hennessey and other "devices". The "DNC" is a great place to be where, hustlers come up and pimps re-up. Catfights erupt over who is the first Bottom-Brawd of the Nation. Feel the fever and smell the chiba of the "DNC".

One of the fresh faces and up-and-coming young dicers at the "DNC" is Julian Sykes-Harris. Only 15yrs old, this young man possesses the charisma needed to hold a crowd without talking loud, but continously shooting craps while his paper is stacked to the clouds. He has achieved nationwide respect throughout the West Coast, New Orleans, DC, and Tex-Arcana as a serious shooter of craps. His year-to-date earnings are estimated at over $372,000. Former spokesperson of the "DNC" Rudy Ray Moore, was present at the Convention last night and described Sykes-Harris' $15,000 supper shoot as such. "From c-lo to Belo, nigga to Phillipino, this mofo is hard to beat though. A monkey or a beracuda ole Jules is a sure straight shooter, whether he is playing for jewels or yards not measured by rulers. I just call him Skippy because he needs no jam, he keeps his money in peanut butter jars when he goes to the can, a real crap shooter a helluva man."

Mr. CIAA, Raleigh's most famous haberdasherer, also appeared at the "DNC's" gala last night, which aired on D-Span, Detroit's Underground Gubment network. Mr. CIAA was featured wearing a beige linen suit from head to toe in order to stay cool in yesterday's 94 degree temperature, a beige linen bucket, and a black belt made of panther skin. The "DNC's" Contributor's Ball, also known as the "Player's Ball", will be held on Friday. Meshach, Winston, Alonzo, and Bradley of the famous GMC GoldMiner's Crew will be in attendance. All men of distinction are encouraged to attend. Nominees for "DNC" Spokesman this year are Shannon "Sooky" Marshall, Pie "Sweet Potato" White, and Dick "Honey" Washington who was quoted last night as saying "Friday night don't get mad if you can't beat me because I'll win, don't be sad if you can't get a ride from me because my passenger is your best friend, don't be glad when I come because you might not see Dick again."

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

"The Whether Man"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Many people tend to think certain astrological things determine their livelyhood, if they will find love and or money. Well the "Whether" Man thinks that "whether" you do or "whether" you don't depends on you, and not the weather. Rain while the sun is shining doesn't mean that some Cherokee is doing a rain dance. It might mean "whether" you move when this Cherokee is coming might get you splashed with rain, and doing a dry-off dance.

Libra: If you feel your palm itching it doesn't necessarily mean you will get some money, it might just mean stop rubbing Phyllis' feet. Athlete's foot might get you agile-hand. Oh and if your throat is sore, needless to say your tongue might be a three-sport star, and Athletic than a mutha!

Leo: "Whether" someone talks about you, has nothing to do with your ear itching. You might want to take a q-tip to that ear, might be some Ash and Waxy-Works candles in your ear. People talk about you for several reasons, they like you don't like you, don't know you, or maybe your zipper is down and your wang they're beloving. Who really knows but, "whether" you wash yourself or "whether" you don't could be the reason for all that chitter-chatter.

May your "whether" be good, and cheerful
but if someone harasses you, may you be hood and sincereful
Good "whether" and hood "whether" might vary depending on the daily front
But bad weather and bad "whether" might depend on her monthly stunt
Dont let menstrual actions pervade your mindset
and dampen Wednesday plans, because your mines is clotty and wet
"Whether" you do and "whether" you don't
doesn't depend on a paycheck, it could be actions stunted by a wet-cigarette.
Doped minds aint dope minds, and if you think dope mines are Colombian finds
"Whether" you went down R Street in 89 could have been your white kind of find
"Whether" you do or "whether" you dont is all on you
but make sure you lock your inner-monkey "whether" you are at the parking lot or the zoo.
"Whether" change the "m" or "d" can make it mommy or daddy
or make a monkey a donkey, but either way you a nigga acting badly.
The "whether" will change, so prepare accordingly,
despite the weather, big girls might not dress accordingly.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Can You Hear Me Now?
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

Happy Tuesday good people. It's been a while since I've been able to voice my thoughts, I hope everyone is doing well and your car didn't get stolen or you didn't get shot while just standing on a street corner.

MY MAN Bill Cosby has pissed some people off with his remarks about the Black community. I intended to say a lot about this situation but I have had this discussion too many times already. I'll just say this, Bill was RIGHT. Instead of being mad about poverty, poor family values, and poor education, some Black people are mad at Bill for simply saying that these things are problems in our community. You may not agree with the way he said what he said, but what he said was right. I don't want to hear anything about "What is Bill doing?" or "What about Fat Albert?" Bill has done more than his fair share for our community. Don't ask "What is Bill going to do?" What are WE going to do?

Now, I'm going to take this in a totally different direction. Cell phones. More specifically, ring tones. If you are not a 15 year-old girl with posters of B2K or Lil Bow Wow on your wall, there is no reason to turn your phone into a jukebox. It's not cute, it's not cool, it's not "just something to do." It's ANNOYING, it's LOUD, and it's just downright DUMB. You are GROWN, a simple "ring, ring" or "beep, beep, beep" will suffice. (To that big dude on the Metro that has George Clinton's "Flashlight" for your ringer, give it up. The Mothership landed in 1978 and unfortunately for me it didn't take you when it left.)

This Cell Phone Rant was sponsored by The DC Drug Dealers Chapter of B.E.E.P. Brothers Embracing the Existence of Pagers.

Randumb Quote of the Day: "Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can't control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn." --Mike Tyson (Yeah, Mike Tyson said that. It even made sense up until the part about the deer.)

I will leave you with an African proverb that I hope will prove inspirational for you:

Every morning as the sun rises, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows that it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be eaten.
Every morning as the sun rises, a lion wakes up.
It knows that it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Regardless of whether you are a gazelle or a lion, when the sun comes up you better be running!

Happy trails to you until we meet again...

Live from Barnes & Noble
by Salvador Gabor

This is Salvador Gabor, always on a quest to find the best educational tools and resources to enlighten you good folks on what this world beholds. I am in the Barnes & Noble on Alabama Ave. & Wheeler Road in Southeast D.C.. I know some of you may be saying to yourselves...."Aint no bookstore on Alabama & Wheeler????" Well dont judge a book by its cover and definitely always know that a crackhouse is not always JUST a crackhouse. When they are not using bookstands to snort on, books occupy those spaces as well. Well anyway as I sit in this crackhouse/barnes & nobles, waiting from my man to chop up his dope so we can go to the Run & Shoot and play some ball I ran across a book.............

"The Passion of Edmonds" is a great book to pick up. It is a book that entails the life of Rayful Edmonds, one of the greatest narcotic leaders of our time. Who else do you know that can literally throw away millions of $1 bills? Who else do you know that would give you a $100 Bill to go to the store and argue you down because you GAVE them back their change? We're talking about some major hustling baby. Im talking bout '88 Audi's in '86. Gucci flip flops and shirts when everybody was wearing coca-cola shirts.

This book has inspired many young hustlers to be about their paper and get this fetti thats to be made in these here streets. This book has been the foundation for a new religion in D.C.............."The Nation of Edmond". Not to be confused with The Nation of Islam. "The Nation of Edmond" (Pronounced Ed-MOND), has thousands of young kids feeling that they can be millionaires from crack sales. I wont give away the story at all but trust as a young writer once stated........

"Everybody wanna be Scarface but, they aint see the end of the movie"
-Jayson Phillips-

Thursday, July 22, 2004

"Menstrual Cycle"
By Salvador Gabor

"I need this done by tomorrow....PERIOD!". "I'm gonna be this way till I die.......PERIOD". When the "PERIOD" comes, it's serious. Ever so often you gotta put your foot down. This is what it is and this is how it's gonna be done. You don't like it, SO WHAT! That's how must people acting when they are on their "PERIOD". You just gotta let em know, nahmean! It's not alot to it.

In the "regular" world that we live in, only women have "PERIODS". But, in our minds, we ALL have "PERIODS". It's not a monthly cycle. It depends on your tolerance level. Some people don't mind drawing unemployment checks for two months. But, on that THIRD month............if a job don't come through, it's gonna be some trouble. Oh yeah, I didn't tell yall, these "PERIODS" can get bloody too. When a "PERIOD" comes on, people are willing to rob, kill, steal or do whatever. Cause it has to get done........."PERIOD"!

What is a "PERIOD"? It's a mark that notes the end of a sentence or statement. You always end a sentence with a "PERIOD". Whether you write it out or put the little dot at the end. The "PERIOD" will mark the end of that statement. In this world, people always seem to get to a point where they've had enough. When you are 15, you've havd enough of being treated like a child. When you are 18, you're tired of going to school. When you are 21, you are tired of the same ole tired kinds of people of the opposite sex approaching you. When you are 25, you are tired of being single. By the time you are 30, you are tired of being married. By 35, you are tired of paying a mortgage. Then by 40 you've ran into "MENOPAUSE". This means that you will no longer have those "PERIODS". Whatever you are doing at that point, you will just bear with it. No more bleeding, no more anger sprees, no need to worry about "birthing" anymore opportunities. You just settle for where you are.

The point of the matter is, when you are going through a "PERIOD", don't be angry and use that as an excuse to be cranky. Understand that it takes these "PERIODS" to remind you that you are still capable of "birthing" ideas that can change this world, let alone your own life.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

"Personals Ad"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

This is Myles Oliver and he is looking for love.  A virgo orignially from Eastern Ave of Northeast DC, won citywide acclaim as a champeen eater. A hot-dogger to say the least, Myles won the Ben's Chilli Dogfest in 1997, by eating a record 37 chilli half-smokes (each half-smoke is worth 1.5 hot dogs, and chilli counts for .5 dogs).The photo above is from Myles at the DC Armory Ham Sammich Games in 2003. He won 6 of the 8 events, including the Heavyweight String Bean Contest, the Live PiƱata (this is where you see if you can eat a whole cow), and the Pudding be Me (an event where you jump into a large tub of pudding and eat your way out.) He has often shied away from the dating scene because of his stature and fame in the competitive eating community. Myles enjoys walks in the park, butt-naked poetry, roller-blade critiques, and making his own pot-liquor from his indoor collard garden. Myles is looking for a woman who doesn't mind a man with a heavy workload, and is over 200lbs, unless she is a skinny gemini. To contact Myles or any of our other hoeless romantics, please contact Ethel Womack 301-455-3534, or Truly Johnson 202-365-0927.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

"Skinny Dipping"
By Salvador Gabor
Who wants to get in the "water"? Do you swim? Would you like to learn how to swim? You ever wanted to get away from the world for a while? Jump in the "water". Come on, nothing's wrong. We all need a lil "water" sometime. That wet feeling is refreshing. It's truly an enjoyable experience.
Let me guess, you have a problem with swimming by yourself. We all do from time to time. Hey, invite a friend. She'll come. I know he will too. And yall will have a great time.
So ok, you wanna know the other benefits of Swimming and "Skinny Dipping"? That's just it, swimming in the "water" can and will make you lose weight. You'll love the "water" so much that you will forget about eating.
Now of course, anyone can go swimming but, the kinda water that I have for you today will make you wanna get NAKED. After seeing this water, "Skinny Dipping" will be the only option for you and your friends who wanna come along and get naked too!
For a small fee of $20, you can swim for 4-12 hours. If you feel a bit drained after that period, I also have some Milk for you. Milk does a body good and it's very good for when you first get out of the "water".
Trust and believe, we can provide you with the best "swimming pools" for under $25. And I put my word on it.
Yours Truly,
Kenneth "8-Ball" McGhee
President of the Washington, D.C. Chapter of D.I.P.P.A.S.
This message has been brought to you by D.I.P.P.A.S. better known as the Department of Independent PCP Pushers Associations and Services.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Sal's Corner
"The Back Room"

Oh yes. Walk with me a bit. Don't be afraid. Some of yall think yall are too sophisticated. But regardless, we need to take a walk into "The Back Room".'s NOT the Den! That's to "sophisticated". If you call it the Den, you aint feelin' me right now. I mean "The Back Room". "The Back Room" holds alot of hidden treasures and I want to unveil those treasure to you all. So, let's take a walk.............

* Lighting - In "The Back Room", the lighting is almost always a lil darker than the rest of the house. That dark signifies a cooler atmosphere. You don't even have to cut on the AC in the back room. That darkness in the daytime just makes it so comfortable back there. IF (And I say IF) the AC IS runs smoothly. You can almost NOT hear the AC at all. It's so quiet and relaxing

* Eating/Drinking - This activity is LIMITED in the backroom. Eating is only permitted to old Uncles on regular days. And usually he doesn't do it if there are guests in the house. IF (And I say IF) there is drinking it is mostly Iced Tea. Maybe a lil beer here and there but Iced Tea is the drink of choice for "Back Roomers". "Back Roomers" are simply people who frequent the back room.

* Funerals - "The Back Room" is a staple in the African-American tradition of remembering the dead. After a funeral, only the VIP's sit in "The Back Room". Now if you aint a VIP, you might sneak back there for a while but surely, you WONT get a seat! Vintage "Back Roomers" only get seats. Now after a funeral, VERY important stuff like "who is gonna get the clothes?", "how are the children gonna split the funeral bill?" and "why was JB left off the will?" are discussed in "The Back Room".

* Pictorials - "The Back Room" is filled with Photo Albums and pictures on the wall. "The Back Room" is a Hall of Fame of sorts for each family. Graduation Pics are usually on the wall. They are placed towards the top. Pics that were taken at Sears are more towards the bottom. Wedding Pics are on the coffee table. Different types of pics are strategically placed and spaced by "The Back Room's" caretaker.

* Reading Material - You can find an array of Ebony and Jet magazines from the 1980's somewhere in The Back Room". Those mags go back so far, Vanessa Williams is on the cover receiving her crown for the Miss America Pageant. You won't find any new books or magazines though.

* Television - thing about the back room is, technology is limited. There's no need for a DVD, Grandma JUST bought a VCR a year ago. Well actually Aunt Bessie got it for her cause she wasnt gonna go out and buy one herself. But the TV in "The Back Room" aint cut on that much. When it's on, it's stuck on the news. That's all that's watched back there. You MAY be lucky to get some cable on a TV in the back room. If Grandma got cable, she got it turned to CNN. And thats IT!

* Furniture - Don't expect fancy furniture. It's nice but, not fancy. Of course we've all had a crash course on the plastic on the furniture. That summer afternoon nap that is interrupted by your face being stuck to the plastic. WE all know about that already. But, the furniture back there is mix-matched. Or as your auntee would say "Mitch-Matched". There are alot of rugs and blankets and towels on the chairs in the backroom. See this was input during the 80's when the Jheri Curl was poppin. "Put them towels on the headrest of the couch Lil Winky.......Sheila coming over here and that girl neck is SO wet!........aint messing up my couch".

* Odd Items - "The Back Room" is where you might find the portable "feet soaker" or an exercise machine or frisbees that are now used as coasters. Anything can be used to decorate the back room.

All in all, the back room is a traditioned-filled area where love, memories and talks about Willamena's gay son Bootney are discussed. You gotta love........."THE BACK ROOM". "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, July 16, 2004

By Salvador Gabor
* Lenny "Big Boy" Dennis won the 2004 "Tore De Pants" title by splitting 16 pair of slacks in the crotch area over the course of the year 2004.  Lenny, now weighing at a sleek 262 lbs and wearing a size 48 in slacks took the title from Donald "Itchie" Taylor. They call him "Itchie" cause he is always scratching his inner leg. His 302 lb physique causes his thighs to rub.
* Hampton, Virginia drug dealer "Whoopie" Wilkins has left his post as an Assistant Heroin dealer on Rip Rap Road to pursue a position over in Newport News as an Ecstacy Sales Representative.  No word yet on the details of the new contract or the amount of the signing bonus.
* The National Urban Coalition for Inner-City Hygiene Up-Keep has announcement that the official age for use of arm deodorant has been dropped. The standard age was 8 1/2 - 9 years of age. With the increasing humid days and the activity level of play increasing with toddlers, the age has been dropped to 6 1/2 - 7 years old. It has been reported that children as early as 5 years old are using deodorant in states such as Louisiana and Mississippi
* On this day in 1972, Charles "Neo" Sporin stepped down from his post as Pastor of the 15th Baptist Glee Mession Church of God in Christ. It was reported that his "Laying of Hands" went too far. Sister McIntyre accused Reverend "Neo" of "rubbing on her too long". He quit as a pastor and invented his own rubbing cream.
For more info on these and other announcements call (301) 455-3534. Ask for "Shuckin Tim".

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

"Non-Profit Organizers"
By Salvador Gabor

I have gained a new found respect for "Non-Profit Organizers". In a normal world, a "Non-Profit Organization" is a company that does not sell a product but, more than likely provides a services and is funded by the government, sponsorships from other companies and/or donations. These organizations receive funding and from that amount that run their business. Any excess of that is put back into the company for future use. Most of these organizations do good deeds such as feeding the poor, educating children or maybe promoting the awareness of a particular disease. All in all good deeds are being done and needs are being met due to the presence of "Non-Profit Organizations".

There is a vast difference between a "Non-Profit Organization" and a "Non-Profit Organizer". A "Non-Profit Organizer" is that middle-aged man in your neighborhood that does little "odds -n- ends" jobs to make enough money for the day to eat, drink, trick on a woman and get a back of weed and/or crack. Most people who patronize these "Organizers" don't have any idea where their money is going or if they do, they try to deny it. We all see these "organizers" in the morning on our way to work and in the evening. EVEN late at night, they are just-a-"organizing". "Yeah I gotta hit Mrs. Mayfield's yard, then I gotta trim some hedges over at Jesse's house and..............OK NIGGA Im a wash yo' car, I'll be right back..... Im a bidness man, give me some time DARNELL!". Always planning and strategizing as a true "organizer should".

You ever wonder......with all that work and skilled labor under their belts, why don't these "Non-Profit Organizers" have any money? Well when your heroin habit outweighs your goal of saving $375 for a lawnmower, you are in deep trouble mister. You'll be cutting that grass with a push mower forever. It takes you 2 hours to cut a yard that a lawnmower does in 30 minutes. Money lost for certain but, thats a "Non-Profit Organizer" for ya! No need for a profit. Just make enough money to get two strong meals, some drank and a pack of cigarettes.

Today we must tip our hats and salute all the Kevin's, Leroy's, Trenell's and Lavell's of the world who aimlessly do our yardwork and wash our cars just to get high and drunk only to be knocking on our doors again tomorrow morning to see if Grandma needs him to put the air conditioner in the back room.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

"Mr. Randolph's Fables: How the Wind Works"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

The following is an excerpt from one of Mr. Randolph's Fables. Mr. Randolph is an old man, who can be found on your major thorofare, or on his stoop. If you ask him for some news he will tell you some, but if you ask him for a story he will tell you one too.

One day Anthony, Mrs. Shepherd's youngest boy Herbie's son, walked up to Mr. Randolph and asked him a question, "Mr. Randolph, why is it so windy out here?" Mr. Randolph looked up at the sky and said, "Well many many years ago, there was an old man named Lavay and he asked that very same question."

Well you see Lavay was a man who often wondered about certain things from walking cats, and dyslexic catering (or catering to the dyslexic depending upon how you pose the question). Lavay wandered around for days on end scouring the streets questioning young and old as to why it is so windy. And a man (many believe to be Mr. Randolph, seeing as though he has been around and seen many things) told him that the wind winds, you see that is what the wind winds. Crows crow and people people, and the wind well, it winds. he wind winds for many reasons. It makes sail boats go, it dries clothes. The things are called blowjobs, you see when the wind blows it is doing a job. You see when you work with many different jobs, those are oddjobs.

So Anthony wanted to know if when he cooled something off with hot sauce on it, what was that. Well Mr. Randolph told him it was a blowjob, and pretty much anything making wind was a blowjob. Anthony took his new-found learning and ran with it. He later caught his daddy drinking some pot-liquor off the greens from last night. Needless to say some flatulence followed. Young Anthony went and told his momma that his daddy was giving blowjobs. Anthony liked to have created a riot, Ms. Patricia thought she married a queer, til she caught wind of the blowing.

Anthony still gainfully new-knowledged was on his way to LeShon's surprise birthday party, and found LeShon's aunt Sonja and the birthday clown blowing up balloons on the side of the house. He goes in and tells Ralph, Sonja's boyfriend, "Yeah I saw Sonja outside giving a blowjob to the clown." Needless to say, ole Tommy the Clown didn't need any dark makeup that day.

Mr. Randolph says the moral of this story, is be careful which way the wind blows. Just because you smell or hear something doesn't necesarrily mean it is the wind blowing. You see hot air can be produced by many things, and artificial wind doesn't come from Chicago.

"News Report"
By Salvador Gabor

* Hubbard Cunningham won the "2004 Clovell Piece Prize" for his Wing Dinner Delicatessan served nice and hot from "Hubbard's HeartAttacks on a Plate", located on 125th & Amsterdam in Harlem, NY. The Clovell Piece Prize is an award given to the best chicken in the country served by soul food establishments. Not only did Hubbard win the trophy but, he also won free tickets to see "Madea's Class Reunion".

* The "Alvin ALLEY Project", a dance class for inner-city youth is now excepting applicants for its 2004 Fall Session. Alvin Alley, not to be confused with Alvin Ailey, is a refined "Tootsie Roll" dancer from the early 90's and is hear to challenge all parents. "PLEASE, let me teach your kid to Harlem Shake BEFORE they can read.............who cares if they can't say their ABC's, the Butterfly is WAY more important."

For More News and info on the Alvin Alley Project or how to win next year's Clovell Piece Prize, call (301)455-3534. Oh yes, ask for Roscoe, he'll direct your call.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Sal's Corner
"NICKNames Vol. 1" aka "The INITIAL version"

For those who are avid readers of the Salvador Gabor Project and, we have spent a few Mondays discussing Names. At first, we did Male First Names, then Female First Names, THEN Last Names. NOW, we are leading into NICKNames. I want you guys to follow me and listen very attentively. The following are Nicknames that begin with the appropriate initial. Now if your name is Tony, you name begins with a "T" (of course) but, if your Nickname is "Tone-Tone", Im not talking to you on this segment. I'm talking to those who are called by their initial AND there is some sort of hyphen after it. I.E. A-Rod, T-Mac, D-Nice. That kinda thing. So dig if you will this picture

Warning: NOT all people who fit this category apply to the description. There are exceptions to the rules.

* The Initial "T" - Niggas wit the Initial "T" are usually full of love. "HEY there's T!". "UH OH There go my nigga T!". Or you might just hear......"OLE T........thats my nigga!". You can't help but love a T. I know a few "T's" and they all are great people. "T's" will get fresh on you in a minute. They break out the new shoes (soft, casual AND basketball shoes). "T" stays fly. But, they does it lightly.

* The Initial "D" - Smooth. What more can I say than that. "D" is the kinda dude that can play ball in a Versace Sweatsuit, fresh white tee, some suede shoes, OUTSIDE on a crate, AND NOT sweat or get dirty. The type of dude that will play you one on one, take his white tee off and lay it gently on a gate, and whip you 32-6. Put his tee back on, zip up the sweatsuit and go ride out on the town.

* The Initial "J" - Now "J" is kinda fly and kinda smooth. "J" is in between. He doesnt have all the flyness of "T" or all the smoothness of "D" but he is in between. He has a "hood swagger". He aint gotta be dressed to kill or spitting alot of game but the whole hood excepts "J". "J" gets that welcoming love like "T" does. The only difference is that "T's" love is a little more suttle. Everyone knows that "T" is laid back but "J"............oh niggas love "J" cause he is always ready to make a move. "J's" keep some sort of drug paraphenalia. Whether it be weed, coke, blunts or top paper. He has it.

* The Initial "C" - One word..........WILD. Watch "C". 'Cause "C" might be a Curtis, a Charles or a Cornelius. Just wild type dudes from the break. Then once they start being called just "C" or "C-Bone", it's a WRAP! They are destine for criminal activity.

* The Initial "V" - Oh yeah, "V" and "C" are hanging right together. They sell crack on the same block. "V" comes through in the old Z300 and "C" is just riding dirty in the 2-door Caprice Classic. "V" is a hustler. All about dat doe, ya heard me???? But he cool though. Just get his money to him when he needs it.

* The Initial "E" - HOTHEAD. I know alot of niggas whose names start with "E" but they ALL AREN'T called "E". But the ones who are........don't play with them. They don't START the trouble. 90% of the time, "E" is innocent but, winds up in the mix. "E" is just tryna have a good time, that's ALL. But, get an "E" fired up. You will get burned!

* The Initial "Q" - See.........."Q" is never the dude that YOU know. He is always somebody else's man. Ya homie might say "Yeah I'm waiting on Q right now".........then you say "Who is Q?", your homie replies...."AWW nigga you know Q, the dude wit da Big Head!" You can't quite figure a "Q" out. Well first of all it's because his name is probably Quincy, Quinton, or Quarles. You just never know.

* Females with Initials - Notice, my article has been male-dominated. There is a reason behind this. If a female (better yet YOUR female), has a nickname that begins with an initial...............STAY AWAY from her. She is a Class A hoodrat. Do not let your wife/girlfriend be called "Baby J", "D-Honey", "O-liv" or no other hoodratish nickname.

Next week, we may dib and dab into some other types of nicknames. But for now let this soak in. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, July 09, 2004

"An Overnight Scenario"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

The evening has come and Fella got some plans. Fella just came from working out, and Laquan is awaiting his phone call. Fella just showered and is ready for an evening of camel-like proportions. Laquan is looking right good in that Malibu-Keisha teddy she is wearing, and they proceed to slow-cooking them grits. It is now 12:25 A.M. and he is on his way back to the crib, but stop over Terrell's because he is "greening" his evening.

It is now 12:47 and Fella arrives back at the pad, ready for his Friday of work. Fella gets up irons his jeans for "Casual-Friday" and proceeds to wash-up. Now Fella is a man of 27 years old, about 17 years past that "wash-up" stage. This nigga needs to take inventory. Fella thinks that because he bathed prior to wanning Laquan and "gardening" with Terrell that he can just forego a morning shower. So Fella just gonna up and go to work, smelling like Bath, Body & Works and the after-party of a Ziggy Marley show, not to mention that "Trudeau" cologne he sprays on when he gets in the car.

Fella if you don't get in that shower and WARSH (not wash)yourself. Wash-ups are for people ages 0-120 months. If you are grown, reading this, especially if you over 170 lbs as a female, and 200 lbs as a man, wash-up! Yeah you better wash up, down, around and out. If I have offended anyone who has washed-up intentionally and is at work reading this, you may lower your head in your baby-powdered chest in a shameless funk.

"Funk takes on all angles, and is much more sticky than static cling, and very powerful like one of Bootsy's guitar strings. Glory don't be, the funk aint on me, and hopefully not unto you Ms. Pretty. For funk can find your underarm, or the underlying of your left boobity."
--excerpt from The Black Parliament of Health by Professor Buck Naked--

Thursday, July 08, 2004

"A Day in Veteran Negressence: Bunk Soldier's Home"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Today we look at the 5th Black Infantry of the Asphalt Marine. This special forces unit, called the Nigerian Task Force "Alley Wolves", was formed way down the street from the Soldier's Home at Stronghold off of North Capitol Street.It was called the Nigerian Task Force because white folks didn't want to say the Nigger Task Force to the media, that and these fighting niggas were of midnight descent. The "Alley Wolves" came about under the watchful eye of Major Kearny. Major Pilate Kearny wasn't no military man, just a serious little nigga whose name was actually Major, and was always dressed in green. An expert in concrete-combat, he installed his own form of fighting style named after himself, "The Pilates".

Major Kearny carried around a short horse whip, because he used to race horses down Hains Point. He was a little guy who was called upon by Booga Jones, a wealthy Black entrpreneur, to help calm crime in certain sections of DC, Oakland, and Kingston, Jamaica where Booga Jones earned his living. He often called upon the "Alley Wolves" to break-up neighborhood watch groups, policed-block parties on main hustling riffs, and any unorganized heethantry.

It was July 8, 1977 on a hot day down in Kingston. Booga Jones had been having some problems with some local "candy-stripers" trying to hone in on his business. These "candy-stripers" aka The Hocus Pocus Dread-Mafia were selling product out of a Rastafarrian nursing home, called "Slow Wine". The home was actually right next to one of Mr. Booga Jones' "lawnmower shops". Booga Jones sent for the "Alley Wolves" and they stormed "Slow Wine" with no guns, they left those in Oakland the Vicelords requested them that day for rent, armed with nothing but their Pilates. The Hocus Pocus crew began shooting, and task force, used many an old folk as a senior-shield. The task force of 24 wiped out the Hocus Pocus crew in less than twenty minutes. An onlooker, Henry St.Clair was quoted at the scene "They run up on them Pocus boys like dogs sent from above".

These Bunk Veterans were given a soldier's welcome when they arrived to Booga Jones' mansion, The Jamaican Shanty. It is on this day that Pilates classes will be $5 off to commerate the "Alley Wolves" victory over the Hocus Pocus Dread-Mafia. To order your "Alley Wolves" Action Photo Gallery please contact Portier Taylor at 301-455-3534.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

"Is that you ReRe?"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

You ever see how some women get with guys and change their lives for the better? Well contrary to certain Whitney and Tammi-Fae type situations it does happen. If you look at it, Valerie made Nick's life "solid as a rock". Oh, I am not sure if you have heard about "ReRe"...

"ReRe" is a smart woman who has a lot going for her, she has met many men and changed their lives for the better. She is kind of like Cleopatra X when you think about it, changing mindsets and names along the way. "ReRe" met a nigga named "Tain" way back when. Now "Tain" was all about taking what he could and was in a self-imprisoned state after his last relationship with "D", but he could never really rely on what he took, until he met "ReRe". "ReRe" helped him gain knowledge to keep what he acquired and not just blow it all away. After meeting "ReRe", brother "Tain" changed his ways and kept more of what he acquired whether it was information, money, or even bootleg cookout equipment. The brotha even changed his name to "Retain". That is pretty serious for a non-mother to make a nigga take her name.

"ReRe" also met another nigga years later. A hopeless nigga, a nigga without direction, the type of dude already drunk in the liquor store at 2 o'clock. This nigga was trying to find himself aimlessly walking down life's blouevards looking for "Spect". "ReRe" found "Spect" wandering close to 66th & Down and Out. She pulled up on him and told him to get in. "Spect" was a selfish man, and she taught him that unless you give some "Spect" you won't find any. That simple notion opened his wine-shut eyes, and "Spect" began to control himself and anyone he dealt with. He even changed his name to "Respect" after that simple talk in "ReRe's" Aurora.

Now "ReRe" was no saint, and did have some knuckleheads along the way. Some niggas she met shooting dice in the back of ribpits that just weren't about anything. Ole "Gress" and his brother "Gret" were two pitiful niggas she met in an alley. They liked to stand in the alley get high and talk about their problems, and things that they should have done. They often mocked "ReRe" and messed with her til she left them one cold July morning. They waited for her return, but never saw her again, only changing their names to "Regress" and "Regret" hoping the mere mention of her name would bring her back.

Advice can be offered in alleys but, if you are a pessimist your only optimism is bad, like cooking bacon butt-naked. So don't look-off advice, no matter the source, male or female it could be a resource. If you have nothing but your balls and your word, that bacon won't burn your word, so put some pants on and maybe even a thinking cap, because nourishment is best served unburned.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Sal's Corner (cont'd)
"BUNK" Part 2

Before you read any further, PLEASE stop. Just stop and if you have a strong imagination I want you to think of a song. How bout.........."The Electric Slide". YEP that's it. NOW, as you read KEEP that song in your head. Forget the lyrics, they are useless right now. Just, keep the beat in your head. Can you hear that whistle? OK. you hear it too? Aight let's keep it moving.

Now don't lose that beat cause it's what gets us in a "BUNK" mood. The reason why that song is important is because "The Electric Slide" was one of my first exposures to the "BUNK" lifestyle. Your daddy could be on the side eating ribs and chilling. He hears that song and almost spills the whole rib plate on his white linen suit tryna run to that floor. The reaction when that song comes on is unstoppable. Don't bring your caucasion co-worker along to the "get-to-together". You tryna act all sophisticated like you don't drink Steel Reserves and nip on a lil Mad Dog. Then THAT song comes on. And you can't help it! That's that "BUNK" feeling. Now I'm a show yall how to spot a "BUNK" person...........

* Technology - If your mother and father have cell phones, DVD's, satellite TV and pagers but, don't know how to work em..........YET they know the steps to the "Electric Slide".......oh it's some "BUNK" going on in here.

* Denim - Too much Denim can get nasty. You, your wife AND your son JT at the concert with Jean Outfits on is NOT cool. That's that "BUNK".

* Adding the letter "S" to words - For those of you who live near D.C., don't you just wanna scream when that old lady says "YEAH I been to DreamSSSS"? The place is called "DREAM" not "DreamS"!. "Tell Gloria to pick me up a carton of Milk from the SafewayS". The grocery store is call Safeway. There is NO "S" at the end. Or what about this......."Those are some nice Gentlemens over there for you Retha". You betta hope that Retha doesn't walk up to one of them men talking all "BUNK" like that. Gentlemen is plural, no need for an "S".

* Adding the letter "R" to words - Now "BUNK" people TRY to be sophisticated SOME of the time. They might get up in Red Lobster and say......."I think I'll take a SODER". "BUNK" people have been "BUNK" so long that they don't think that proper pronounciations of words may end in vowels. In the example, they may use "SODER" but, they are tryna say "SODA". Or they might go to a furniture store and say "I'm looking for a burgundy SOFER". It's SOFA.

Sidenote: Now if you haven't heard any of these examples then you aint been exposed to "BUNK". For those who are and have been exposed, turn that radio up in your mind. Can you still hear the "Electric Slide"?

* Eating while out of town - If you eat Off-Brand Honey Buns, Liver Pudding, Pork Rinds, and or sit in the open area of the double-doors of your van while eat cheese sandwiches.............your are definitely "BUNK".

* House Attire - Gowns, nighties and robes are to be worn before 10:00 A.M. and After 9:30 P.M.. Anything between those hours can be grounds for being seen as being "BUNK". Now grandmothers, women over 60 and pregnant women are an exception.

* Basement - If you still have that "red light" by the defunct bar in your basement you are "BUNK". And it wouldnt't hurt to take those Rick James posters down either.

* Crossed Legs - "BUNK" women don't cross their legs. Most of em say "Shoot Im 65 years old. Whoever wanna see my stuff is just gonna have to see it cause my leg is too sore to be lifting over top of the other".

Ya know........I had many examples of "BUNK" behavior but, I can't do a "BUNK" Part 12!!! I just can't. We'll be here for years. But, just read over parts 1 and 2 and if you see any questionable "BUNK" behavior, feel free to email me. If you have any stories of "BUNK" people, I'd be happy to listen to them. I'm always ready and eager to hear about my "BUNK" people. Yes.....MY people. Deep down I too am "BUNK". But, I strategize my "BUNKness". We all need it from time to time. Just don't overuse it. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin".

People to Stay Away From (for the month of July)
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

As the weather gets warmer, it makes the weird niggas swarm. Folks get crazy and tend to stray way away from the norm. Now we as people know there are certain things that we ought to stay away from, like fatty foods, fat people in tight spaces, and doughnuts with flies in the doughnut case.

People in Flannel: Now it is July and unless you work construction there is no reason that you should be wearing flannel, unless you are over on Walker Mill for the Lumberjack Games on July 32nd. People who are wearing flannel, for non construction/lumberjack reasons, are interestingly dangerous. They are wearing those outfits because they are stuck in a number of time warps, i.e. the mid 80's and early 90's, or because it is suitable front porch attire and because it is a perfect beer-drinking outfit. Nonetheless, you don't want ole Dempsey to come down off that porch.

People with Overly Visible Baby Powder: Now these people tend to be dark niggas over 40, and busty older women. These older males tend to have a t-shirts with cut-off sleeves, and are usually wearing walkmen, which in itself is dangerous. Niggas over 40 should not have walkmen. They could listening to anything from Trouble Funk to Air Raid or The Temptations. Busty older women with powder on their cleavage. This is a very disturbing because you know Ms. Moore is wearing that v-cut turtle-neck because it is Tuesday and then she goes and dumps what appears to be Bisquick all in she shirt. Now she looks like a mother panda ready to nurse Janitor Mixon, who can't get enough of Ms. Moore. Oh I can't forget about my big guys. Big dudes love that baby powder, but I can't blame Big Kevin for trying to stay cool. Not to mention that if Kevin's second layer of self between his neck and hip heats up, we could all be in for a world of trouble.

People with 2 Ice Cream Cones: Now this could be a ploy. Sometimes you are places and they give away free ice cream, and Brenda is acting like she is taking it to Sharon. Needless to say, she is just trying to looking cute with those 2 cones, because she is working hard to seduce Janitor Mixon.

That Nigga with the Crabmeat on His Bottom Lip: Oh you know this guy. If he aint your uncle, he treats you like he is your uncle, or like you are his. He either makes sure you got a beer, or makes a meek face at you when you notice he is on Michelob number 8. This guy sits down and says "oh let me get in this bushel". He is eating crabs early, and that is when crabmeat first meets him. So you notice it, and you are thinking "it comes with the territory", but, 2 beers 12 crabs, and a plate of ribs chicken, potato salad and cole slaw, and it is still just hanging out on his lip. Lodell is in on every conversation, from Redskins-Cowboys talk, to Kobe, and is even showing a pretty girl how to eat crabs. Oh the crabmeat does disappear on the 10th beer, but guess what, it comes right back on Lodell's last long sip. Ladies watch out, he is the nigga that hugs you too tight at family/non-family functions.

"A word to the wino should suffice. If you drink to get drunk, then drunk you will be long after the drink has been drunk." --Lodell Thomas, Minority Shareowner (see Consumation Act of LSE '99) of Bass Liquors--

Friday, July 02, 2004

LSE Success Tip Vol. 7.02.04
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

"Don't forget those who may have forgotten you, then you can recollect both sides of the Gemini. A double-edged sword has a handle in the middle, it is from there that you can control both sides of the Gemini"
--Kingman Wyms 4th Degree Yellow Belt, "Kevin's Karate"--

Good relationships can turn your stack of 10s into a stack of 20s and those 20s into 50s.

Don't criticize the critical. Hookers hook, and pimps pimp, and unless their is pandering going on, continue to be a good worker.

When you say "thank you" mean it. Faye didn't have to go to the bread bank for you, nor did she have to bring you those yams that were on sale. A "Preciate you" goes along way.

A keen interest can be good, just don't engulf yourself in that guy on the train. Darshay he might only be looking at you because you aint got them ankles locked, Friday pannies are to be worn on Friday not Thursday. You can't plan for the future with your draws.

Smile when smiled unto. Being stuck-up might get you stuck-up. I'm not saying Keith and Dewey would hurt a lady, but they know niggas who would.

Listening can be a road map to ignorance. If you listen you will know what twists and turns down Conversation Blvd. will take you to Dont-Be-Bothered-With-Her Ave. and that Hoodrat Terrace is a cul-de-sac, and that relocation expenses won't be repaid when going across the Gold-Digger Bridge.

Making others feel important can be a hard thing to do, especially if they are short with your money. Rico down the gas station wouldn't give you 10 on pump 9 for $8, so why shouldn't Teyon pump his 9 since you brought 8 and not 10. (An application used in the Asphalt Mathematics course, part of the Asphalt Masters series).

A word to the monkey should suffice: "Don't throw poo, that zookeeper's face aint the only thing that will get dirty."

Thursday, July 01, 2004

"Have You Had the Pleasure of Meeting Me?"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Well I'm "Drunk", sorry I can't remember YOUR name, because I'm "Drunk". You might not be able to tell, sometimes you can because of my smell. My scent is sometimes warm beer overriding the detergent called Cheer. I might even smell clean as a whistle, like I am a taste-tester for Scope or Listerine, but I'm still who I am, it's just me, just ole "Drunk" me.

I sometimes wind up in the strangest places, 10 or 20 blocks away from any familiar faces. Sometimes I just get in the car and go the left way, not the right way, the left way I said, not even realizing where the music is coming from in my head. Nigga I'm "Drunk". I'll take your girl, man I'm pretty I got a head full of curls, and a liquored up stomach, so I just might earl. Hey, it's me "Drunk" as can be, sleep on the floor and the cabaret chicken wing in hand like a soldier for Stronghold. Man I'm just "Drunk", a nigga sleep with his arms-fold. Hi I'm "Drunk", I don't believe you have had the pleasure, lemme kiss your eyebrow and show you some treasure. I know my pants are down, shoot baby that is my #7 pick. You can call him Luol, Deng-a-Leng that is.

Hi, I'm "Drunk", what did you say? Nigga I am so "Drunk", I mean nigga I am SO "Drunk". How are you baby you look so good tonight...what???? I'm talking to a tree? Shut up nigga you on a bike. Man I like to pee in the street, maybe even in front of my house, now my lady called me a louse. I'm no louse, I'm "Drunk", don't you know who I am? Hey nigga don't touch me, and get off my Grand Am, don't touch me man don't you know I'm "Drunk". Oh and that's my friend "Pissy", he's behind the tree. Yep he's "Pissy" he drank more than me, oops he stood next to my bathroom-tree. Yep he's sure "Pissy",I just hope he didn't get none on me. Hey Keith, Dewey help me out the car, aw man here's "Pissy" all wet from my post-Remy from the bar. Nigga I'm "Drunk", don't love me, won't you love me, aw nigga just take me home and leave me be.