Thursday, December 30, 2004

Jive Sammy Banquet Dedication
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Dabney Lewis, shown above, and a host of others took part in the Jive Sammy Banquet Dedication on December 27th. The Jive Sammy Banquet is a momentous event honors family members helping out their pipehead kin. Many of us in the black community know how hard it is to fight the temptation of the street and all that it includes. Many of us have family who are addicted to or sell crack and crack products.

Dabney Lewis attended the Jive Sammy Banquet, in honor of his uncle Jive Sammy. Jive Sammy was a famous pipehead known throughout Sursum Cordas and Kentland. Jive Sammy had the jones real bad. He once stole water-wings from Dabney's son Glenn-Glenn and sold them to a dealer at the pool for a hit of that snowflake. Dabney never really forgave Jive Sammy for that, and here he is seen in the hallway arguing with his aunt Ruth, who wanted him to speak on Jive Sammy's behalf. "That nigga is a thief, he steals from children, he stole from you, and momma, and grandma, I won't say what I want to say on the mic, so I aint saying nothing, I don't care where he got the wagon from, Glenn-Glenn is 14 now what he want with a wagon".

The Jive Sammy Banquet is an awards dinner that is for pipeheads, but mainly for their families. Families need to learn to forgive their pipehead kin, while turning anger and distrust into positive qualities promoting family function and conjunction. Oswald Decency received the Jive Sammy Recovery Award for turning his back on crack after a 15 year love affair with that white woman. Oswald's brother Jameson received the Jive Sammy Forgiver Award for forgiving Oswald for running up his bank card at KMart and for using the bathroom in his house-plants three October's ago. For other banquet news please go to to learn of this and many other free and pre-paid banquets.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Pork Chops & Martial Arts
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Karate Antoine is a former jujitzu instructor at Keith's Karate, and has now opened his new shop, "Pork Chops & Martial Arts". Karate Antoine is finicky about what he eats and teaches. Known as Karate Antoine to many, but has never taken too much karate. He is actually a yellow belt by Ballou standards, but is a black belt in taekwondo, and a master of jujitzu with or without brass knuckles.

Karate Antoine has always enjoyed his Aunt Stephbella's pork-chops-in-the-gravy. His love for pork chops, and being picked on by fat bullies, developed his love for the "pork chop". His signature move, the "pork chop" is a closed-handed chop to the stomach. He has rendered many bullies, and portly female lovers boweled to movement. "The joys of martial arts are paralleled to only a love of hot food," said Antoine outside of the Jim Kelly Film Festival.

Karate Antoine encourages all to sign up for his martial artistry immediately. Every Friday class is completed with a pork chop dinner. However, attendance is mandatory Tuesday and Thursday, otherwise all heavy absentees will receive a "pork chop" to the stomach, and not pork chops in the stomach. To sign up for Pork Chops & Martial Arts, please check or call 301-455-3534 for a personal flyer addressing your karate needs based on neighborhoods skematics.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Sal's Corner

"Ooooh party over here! Party over there!". As we near New Year's I know everyone wants to boogie. Whether at the club, at home or shouting at church, people gonna be dancing. This is the season where EVERYONE is dancing. Even your co-worker who's been off for 45 days with a bad back is in the spot electric sliding. You got to boogie when you can. Early and often. Some of yall can't dance. Some of yall cant dance. Some of yall CAN but, surprisingly enough........many people don't know what makes your dance moves what they are

* Elbows - You can't dance without elbows being in action. See Elbows establish the room you need to boogie. Dancing without elbows is just dancing. With the elbows, you can boogie. You can hold the elbows high or keep em at chest height. The high elbow is better for dancing and moving across the floor. You might just see Keith and Dewey in the cut and wanna get over and holla at em. Slide on across and keep the elbows high so you dont butt no one in the eye. Now if the elbows are chest gotta dig into the floor and let it go.

* The Neck - You can stand still and just move your neck and let it be known, "Im here and IM JUST giving yall the NECK but, dont let me get loose".

* Lips - Depending on the groove, the lip motion will vary. When the song first comes on and its YOUR jam, your lips will form into almost a "blowing" motion. Once it gets to going, if the elbows are chest high, and you diggin into begin to BITE the lip. Some of them sassy ladies begin to do the "hmmmmph" look with their lips. Vanessa is looking like "I dont care if you laughing at my dance, this is the bomb song right here". Now you gotta be careful, if that groove gets too serious (The Bass Guitar Player in the song is doing HIS THANG), that face might get real FUNKY. The lip is extra curled. They begin to dance like they are running from a Skunk fresh out of a dumpster.

* Hairstyle - The Jheri Curl and the Shirley Temple do's are the best for dances. People with curls always have a lil extra to give you with the elbows and neck. They always look from left to right REALLY quick just to shake the curls. They tend to give the "Funkiest" looks too.

* Fingers - You can snap if you just wanna get cool and keep it cute. But when you start pointing at people, you letting em know you into it. And once you get your greeting WHILE dancing down pat, you are now too cool. You might swing around with your hips and see Buck and Ned in the corner and just throw the thumbs up and keep it going.

* Dancing with the same sex - Now this is an interesting topic. Because its SO close to being homosexual but it then again its not. Ladies see their girls and they might dance together. Guys see the homies and you might do a handshake while yall are grooving but Larry might hold your hand too long and yall just might get caught up in a groove. Or Larry might just stand there and egg you on as you get even more hype.

* EYES - THIS is important. If them eyes close, you might catch the Holy Ghost UP IN THE CLUB. If the right song come on, a nigga might drop his drink and say "HALLELUJAH" right at the bar. Whenever somebody closes their eyes, its almost over. Give them maximum space. A loud outburst might come.

* Fists - This is the ULTIMATE. If you got that fist in the air while you are dancing you might FIGHT the DJ if the song changes. That fist.....waved like the "Black Power" gesture at the Olympics is very serious when dancing. No one can pull you off the floor when your fist is in the air. It could be a fire in the bathroom and you gonna be out there stepping

JUST make sure you look out for these moves and tips this Holiday Season. When you see em, know what they mean and give everybody a lil space to get their jam on. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

"Christmas Gifts"
By Salvador Gabor

Christmas seems to be moreso for the kids nowadays. It's the joy of a parent watching a child open gifts. Its the joy of watching kids play with the snow and making snowmen. It's the joy of giving the gift to the children to present to grandma and granddad. The joy of relaying the idea to KIDS the real reason for the season.

Well since we are talking about KIDS, lets investigate what KIDS want for Christmas. If it's not "Tickle me Elmo", it's some game system or some dance pad where they stomp on the living room floor all day. But over the years, two items have been a constant. A PET and a REMOTE CONTROL CAR. A dog/cat and a car have always been gifts that kids want. Sure the styles change and the times do as well but, the basic Pet and the Remote Control Car NEVER go outta style.

The Remote Control Car. This is ALWAYS a dandy to watch on Christmas Day. It's typically a boy's gift. He takes it outside and he has no idea of how to work the toy. He just pushes buttons. After about 10 minutes, he's hit every CURB, WALL AND POLE in the area of your household. He has flipped the lil car over about 17 times. He has to walk over and continue to pick it up. Now after about an hour, the little boy is frustrated. He cant get the toy to go where he wants it to go. Sometimes when it goes TOO far, it is out of the range of the remote and he has to run and get it. Then maybe an hour later the car has to be charged. NOW the kid is going bezerk. You have to charge it for about 6 hours just to get 2 hours of play time. The boy is impatient. After an hour of charging, he wants to play again. He pulls the plug out and takes it outside and the car wont budge. The Kid doesnt understand how to "control" the car NOR does he know how to take care of it.

The Dog is a funny gift as well. When you give a dog to a little girl, she adores it. She hugs it, She squeezes it and MAYBE she might kiss it. Now the dog likes affection but, the dog aint big on it. But, the little goes out and gets the dog clothes to wear. She dresses the dog up all nice and cute. When's the last time you saw a dog that actually likes to wear shirts with ruffles on the sleeves. Dogs never look like they are happy when they have these little cute outfits on. Then the little girl walks the dog. The dog doesnt wanna be out in the middle of January at 6:00 A.M. just because YOU can't walk em at 9:00 when its warmer cause you gotta be at school. In the dog's mind he is saying "I dont have to take a dump NOW.........IM STILL SLEEP". As the little girl gets older, she begins to walk to the park with the dog. The dog is standing RIGHT there in front of her and she may have a convo with another dog owner. That girl begins to talk about her dog and its problems and they exchange stories. They talk as if the dog isn't even there. The dogs dont WANT to be there. Because once again it's 6:00 A.M. and its not their fault that you have to be at work or at school later on. I Tell ya.........Dogs go through it as gifts.

Well many of us adults act like KIDS with gifts at Christmas. This is especially the case when it comes to our significant others. Men, we tend to treat our women like remote control cars. We always claim that they need our direction but, we are too young in the mind to know how to control the car. We keep bumping them against the wall. Sometimes we drive them too far out and when we get mad we like to slam them down on the ground and run away in tears because we are mad. But then that older more mature person shows us how to control the vehicle and it becomes fun. Women, you can sometimes treat your man how you treat your dog. He doesn't want to be changed. He's not used to wearing pink shirts with ruffles at the end. He hates staying in the car with the windows up and for God's sake, when you get around other women with "dogs", you talk about them like they aren't sitting RIGHT THERE.

In so many words, you can't make a dog into something he is not and you can't keep flipping a remote control car over and making it do things it wasnt meant to do. And furthermore, people are humans.......not TOYS. Many people pray to God that he sends them a mate that is a "gift" from above. Sometimes we just have to grow up. Remember, Christmas is for the KIDS.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Sal's Corner

YES it is beginning to look alot like Christmas.....EBBERY WHERE you go. With this being the season for giving, many folks will be out shopping for you and vice versa. I feel for that 10 year old with a 45-55 year old set of parents. Bessie and Butch waited to have little Walter. Now he is 10 with a pair of 52 year old parents that KNOW NOTHING about what he wants for Christmas. He might be stuck with a remote control car, an ugly sweater, some high top shoes that come to his calf and some tight jeans for Christmas. But BRAND NAMES have hurt Christmas shopping. Some people like Bessie and Butch with that 10 year old son are still relying on certain Brands to be around. Now Christmas shopping is just ONE instance where Brand Names can hurt. In general, One name can get very popular and people never quite get THAT name outta their heads. The following are some of the most famous Brands that people never get passed.

* Mercedes Benz - You could be on your porch with granddaddy and EVERY car that looks nice that drives by, he's gonna ask "Is that a Mercedes Benz?" or "What's that.....a Mercedes?". After Mercedes Benz, it's hard for another luxury sedan to make a mark that lasts. Lexus is pretty close. I believe thats just cause of how its pronounced. Uncle Tud can't quite get that "X" down pat so he just says "Lessus". Blame it on the dentures.

* Nintendo - Yall know how it's Christmas afternoon. You done broke out the new Playstation 2 games. Then some old fool walks in the back room and says "Yall back here playing that ole Tendo". YES "TENDO" cause for some reason people over the age of 48 cant say the NIN at the beginning. If it aint "Tendo" its "NA-Tendo". And furthermore, there have been 80 game systems to come out since Nintendo, why do people still talk about THAT brand?

* Zerox - For the MILLIONTH time, please do not say "Go Zerox this for me". Zerox is not the proper term for making copies. Zerox is ONLY a company that makes copy machines. The correct term is "Photocopy".

* Red Lobster - If you haven't noticed by now, the majority of this "corner" is dedicated to older folks. And with that being said, OLD FOLKS LOVE Red Lobster. This is "going OUT" to them. Your mother be in the place sneaking them garlic biscuits in her purse. She'll never have a chance to get another Lobster for $19.99. But everytime you take an old person out its always "I coulda went to Red Lobster for this mess". They can never appreciate any other restaurant.

* Kentucky Fried Chicken - Even with the legal change of the name to KFC, some people STILL only know it as KENTUCKY FRIED! Everytime your house have some guests, somebody gotta run down to KENTUCKY FRIED and get a box of chicken so momma aint gotta cook. Your nearest chicken place could be Popeyes but they still call that KENTUCKY FRIED.

* Michael Jordan's - You better not have on a pair of new shoes in front of certain people. They will immediately ask "Are those them Michael Jordan's ?" It's never "Air Jordan's" or "Jordan's"...........ALWAYS MICHAEL JORDAN'S. Why every shoe gotta be "Jordan's". And when you tell em "Naw these are Adidas" or "These are Jason Kidd's", they are still confused. And the worst thing is when some old lady asks you how much you paid for the shoes and your mother is standing right there. And even though you are in the back of the CHURCH, you gotta drop the price by $50-75 and say you paid $85 for them.

These are just a few of the major brands that for some strange reason, we like to use as the default name for all products similar to it. Dont fall into this zone.

Friday, December 17, 2004

by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Lindel "Tiger" Drewers is a warm-blooded burgeoise man looking for love. He has dated and paraded with white women of all sorts. From blondes to brunettes, redheads, to earthworms with curly dreads, "Tiger" has seen them all. He has loved a few, and smelled many courdorys on a warm spring day. "Tiger" is looking for a new kind of love, a more darker love, a woman of kinky hair, and cheeky in her underwear. "Tiger" is looking for a black woman who appreciates straight teeth, and a suburban uppityness. "Tiger" loves black women, matter of fact he loves Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams, and Rah Digga everynight. These are the posters he has in his room. He needs a woman with buckwilderness, a woman who spits thru her teeth, and is not afraid to pee outside. He wants a big hipped woman, heavy of hand, who likes to be loved over a tv stand. If any of you ladies are such of this, or know of a cousin who is ghettoish, please call (301)455-3534, to get with this lucky ebony hoeless romantic.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

"FADE To Black"
By Salvador Gabor

Slade Baxter III was named Jr. President of the "American High Top Fade Association". This nomination was made official after a hard interviewing process. Slade vowed to maintain his fade (along with the curls) and promised not to give into peer pressure and grow dreds and/or cornrows. The American High Top Fade Association was created in 1993 when the "Caeser" haircut which was once the prominent cut in African-American culture once again became popular. It is a society that unites and links those people willing to be stuck in the late 80's and early 90's.

Some of the more famous members are Wayne Brady, Randall Cunningham, Big Daddy Kane, Tavis Smiley, and Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton. Slade looks for his fade to take him to higher levels. As Jr. President he will lead the direction of the fade for the younger wearers of the hairstyle. He will also be in heavy talks with barbers above the Mason-Dixon line on revamping the Fade Fad. Slade will also be in charge of developing a counsel of recruiters of young people who could possibly revisit the fade style and keep the legacy going.

In other AHTFA news, Verna McGahee was named Mrs. High Top Fade for the state of Alabama. She looks to expand the female population of fade wearers and also widen the age group of women with fades.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Aint Nuthin' Like the Real Thang Baby"

Don't let anyone fool aint nothing like the real thang. You can't beat the real thang. But in some cases, you can't have the real thang. And growing up the way many of us did, we had to settle for whatever we got. And in many instances whatever we got was very literal!

* Halloween Outfits - Mothers..........stop putting your kids in white tees and headbands and making them rappers for halloween as an excuse for not buying an outfit. I dont even celebrate the dog-on holiday but if you are at least do it right! I tell ya........aint nothing like the real thang!

* PIZZA - Yall know back when yall were 8 years got like $20 and all of a sudden you couldnt HOLD that $20 bill. You felt like LeBron James wit all that money. You thought you were a Millionaire all of a sudden. And you ask your mother the golden question..... "MA lets order a Pizza". She responds "I aint got no money for NO PIZZA". "But MA I gotta $20 Bill". And then she puts the dagger in....... "BOY we got PIZZA here!". And why did she say that. She goes and gets the frozen pizza out the fridge. Now this aint even the GOOD grocery store pizza. Those come in a box. This is the 30 inch pizza wit JUST some plastic over it. It costs $2.00 flat and it has like 18 slices. NASTY NASTY pizza. She turn the over on 500 degrees and you gotta wait 45 minutes just to get some MOMMA JOHN's Pizza. I tell ya..........aint nothing like the real thang!

* Church Dances - It's Friday night. You'd rather be around the way but your mother has forced you to go a church dance. You get in the church and you dont even take your coat off. All of a sudden the music comes on and everyone is dancing to "Victory is Mine". You got some young people doing the "Harlem Shake". Some are doing the "A-Town Stomp" and all of a sudden this looks like BET in a tabernacle. Some guy on the mic says "Aint no party like a Holy Ghost Party". Or he might say "When I say Jesus, you say Christ". OR he might say "If you really wanna party wit me, put your bibles where my eyes can see, straight buckwylin wit my man JC". And you say to yourself "For $10 more dollars I coulda went to a REAL club". I Tell ya.......aint nothing like the real thang

* Wet Set - Black people and the fascination with "good hair" is always funny. I'd say around 1993 it got outta hand. The Jheri Curl had fizzled out (No pun intended) and the S Curl was kinda coming into it's own, although that fad came in and went right out. But there were a select population of Black Folks.............especially young teenage boys thinking that "wetting" their hair in the morning was gonna do some good. I mean, there was no moisterizer. No shampoo or conditioner. No oils, lotion or anything. Just putting yo' nappy head under the faucet. AND then walking straight out the house. So you got some peasy head lil nigga at the bus stop in 30 degree weather wit no hat on tryna look like a dark skinned Chico Debarge. Only to have his hair dry up and look even more nappy once he gets to school. I tell ya............aint nothing like the real thang.

* XJ-900's - Why outta all the fake Nike's made.........the XJ-900's were a staple in poor kids' lives. It was nothing like walking around in what were basically High Top CLEATS. You were lucky to have the XJ-900's cause some dudes had McGregor's. McGregor's were another level of poverty. For some reason you couldn't wear McGregor's without having some tight sweat pants on. And your mother or older sister would hype you. "EVERY body is wearing XJ-900's!". But for some reason NO one could get you to believe that McGregor's were cool. Only you and the gym teacher had those on. OH I tell ya..........aint NOTHING like the real thang

Life was hard and it still is. Aint nothing like the real thang. But some of the people who had the fakest stuff seem to turn out to be more real. In the midst of the struggle, we continue to live. "Lord Willin..........Rome Feelin'"

Friday, December 10, 2004

"Secret Lover"
By Salvador Gabor

BAAABY SHHHHH, you are too loud. My wife might hear us down here. See, this is why we gotta do what we do in the car.......or in the parking lot. But I love you so much that I wanna take my time with you. Im tired of coming in the house and I can't breathe cause I rushed through the motions with you. My wife knows about you. Or should I say she KNEW about you. I told her, you and I were done along time ago. But she never knew how deep of a love we had. Or should I say HAVE. Your love is so confusing. Confusing to the point where I don't even know what tense to speak of you from. The Past, the Present, the Future.......or just forever.

Where do I go from here? I come in the house and my wife knows I'm not hungry. I just come in and go to sleep. I wake up and I don't need breakfast. WENDY, I love you. I don't love her. She said that it's either you or her. And Im almost ready to choose you. She wants me to get rid of you. Just so we can go on a cruise or maybe go to a High School reunion. She says that thinking about you is bad for my health. But I Love you WENDY! Forget a cruise, forget a reunion. I hate my wife now!

WENDY, do you know my wife has the nerve to be cheating on me and she lies about it. I saw some guy's name in her phone. Some dude named ATKIN! I confronted her and she said it's her "personal trainer". She said she told him about you and I and ATKIN said, you're bad for me????? Well I don't care's you and me forever. I will always be there for you. And you will always be there for me.


Your favorite customer,
Donte' Chapman

Thursday, December 09, 2004

"News & Notes"
By Salvador Gabor

* Jesse Cheatum of Capitol Heights, MD one the Eastern Seaboard Biscuit Eating contests held in Sandy Cove, MD. Jesse a former Bojangles employee, has experience with Biscuits and ate them all day during his 10 hour shifts frying chicken. He says that gave him an advantage over the second place contestant, Willamena Floyd. Jesse received a bag of flour, a wooden biscuit roller and plenty of toilet tissue as a reward for winning the first place position

* Renaldo Witherspoon will be out 3-4 weeks from his normal UPS duties with a strained calf muscle. While delivering packages in South Philly, he was chased by a doberman and attempted to hop a gate and strained his calf muscle. There is no word on the extent of the injury but, UPS managers expect Renaldo to be back at work by the middle of January

* The 31st Baptist Church of Watts will not be holding a Christmas Day Service due to the fact that Christmas Eve is on a Friday night. Pastor Duke Jenkins said that he didnt want to risk a low turn due to "Niggas in the Club the night before". Pastor Jenkins has no plans of reversing his decision to cancel the service.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Going Nowhere Fast"

You ever been in a bind or a tough situation? It seems as if you can REALLY do something about it.........but you cant for real! You try to get a strategy going but its dead in the water. Why do we try? The following are situations where we try to make something happen thats not yet meant to be

* Waiting for Public Transportation - We all have waited for a bus and/or train in our lives. Maybe its a weekend and the bus aint coming as frequent. Maybe its not rush hour and the train comes every 15 minutes and you JUST missed the other train. What do we do? WE STAND OUT in the street looking to see if a bus is coming. As if our eyes are magnets that will draw the bus down to our stop. That's the DUMBEST thing YET, we do it

* Checking your messages - Fellas, lets keep it all the way 100 in here. 100% real. How many of yall ever liked a woman ALOT. She aint really like you (or at least you aint KNOW that yet). You got her number. She has yours. You KEEP checking your voicemail every 5 minutes to see if she left a message. Now Im not just talking from my own experience. Alot of yall are laughing but I've been peepin yall moves too. When you pick up your phone 10 times in a half-hour, I know you checking messages nigga! Yeah but anyway checking your phone aint gonna magically make her call. I know some of yall wake up at 2:00 A.M and roll over and look at your phone. If the envelope aint appearing in the right hand corner, SHE AINT CALL. And yall try to be slick thinking maybe the reception wasnt good, so you put the phone in the window seal. Im peeping yall style all the way out!

* Radio Volume While Lost - What does turning the radio down have to do with getting UN-lost? Ive been in the car BY myself and turned the radio down. Who is there to listen to for directions? Why do we do that. I think its our "BUNK" parents and grandparents. The same ones that say you gotta be quiet when the STORM is coming through. "RONNELL you gotta be STILL, the storm is passing"

* Waiting in Line - Im Guilty of the following. You're standing in line at a Bank or something like it. The line seems long so to make YOURSELF feel like its moving you get closer to the person in front of you. Its still 47 people in front of you before you can that $600 check for them 2 weeks you done worked at the job and you pressed to move up an inch to go cash it and give all yo' money to the bill collectors. Squeezing the line in aint gonna make the line move faster.

* Shopping with your Mother - AWW the tragedy! Imagine being 8 years old and being in the Thrift Store with a frugal mother. Its a horror story for most of us. And you try to make her speed up the process by standing somewhere NEAR the exit. The whole time, she still searching through them old clothes. This is NOT her last stop either so I dont know why you are in a rush. It's 7:30 and YES you are not gonna be home in time for the Cosby Show. Nor does she care because are EIGHT years old and you dont have an Agenda! Standing by the door is NOT a sign that she is gonna hurry up. Then when you get about 10 years old, you are now old enough to ask for the keys to the car. You think you bad now. When you ask for them keys YOU think thats a sign that she is gonna REALLY hurry up. Shoot, she can slow down now cause you done found a seat!

* Parking Lot Pimpin - Why is it that when you wanna go, somebody always sees your significant other, mother or friend in the parking lot and they wanna TALK all day? Once again you ask for the keys to the car. THATS not gonna speed up NOTHING. And dont let it be your mother and some lady from church in the parking lot. Sister Glover might mess around and have prayer RIGHT there IN the Bojangles Parking Lot. As soon as she says "FATHER GOD" already know its a 13 minute prayer coming down the pipe.

* Closing Your Books - Remember that 2:00 Class you had? It ended at 2:50 and around 2:47 you closed your textbook and you did it in a manner where you made a LOUD noise? Well most of the young teachers got the point but, Mrs. Chaney, the 80 year old Physics teacher aint having it. I dont care if she dont finish till 3:21, YOU GONNA SIT THERE! Them old teachers were famous for the "THIS CLASS DONT END WHEN THE BELL RINGS, ITS WHEN I DISMISS YOU". Mrs. Chaney would dare you to close that textbook. She'll close out your gradebook for the year with an "F"

* Checking Your Watch at Church - See lemme tell yall a thing or shree about Church.........out of all the scenarios on this week's can NOT predict when a church service will end. You might know when the bus is coming. You might know if the girl will call or not. You might anticipate which Bank Teller will ring their light for you to walk up. You might know any of those but you dont know what time church will let out. Its useless. You be done broke your watch checking it so many times waiting for Deacon Bailey to dismiss the church. AND it be them services that aint supposed to be long that last like 6 hours. Your mother coaxed you into going to a Thursday night service. She tells you its only for an hour. That's a sign right there. I aint NEVER EVER been to NO church service that lasted 60 minutes on the DOT. You in there for a minute buddy. A STRONG minute! 2 hours is the MINIMUM. And when you think its over........IT AINT. Somebody son with Glaucoma gotta get prayed for. Then Mrs. Lucille need prayer for her Diabetic Leg. THEN the offering plate goes around for the 11th time. Sister Odell wanna sing a solo AFTER her Testimony. Brother Reggie CANT stop shouting. And through all of this you STILL think the time your mother LIED to you and said yall was leaving STILL is in EFFECT??????

Friday, December 03, 2004

Black Olive Man of the Year 2004
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Nester Maxell is the 2004 Black Olive Man of the Year. The Black Olive is a club of disregarded socialites who feel they make the world go round. Nester our unsuspecting winner, is a man who loves the finer things in life, like listening to music on wax. He has never been married, but has sent flowers to numerous co-workers to no avail. He often invites beautiful women at the laundromat to come over and wash their clothes in his deluxe washer, but alas he is alone and rendered to tender to himself. Nester enjoys reading and riding in his Chrysler and has his eye on a 300 M, making love on bunkbeds, and buying cigarettes for his grandmother. He is known as the nigga standing by the bathroom in your favorite stripclub, and is an overall good guy with a strange smell, strong handshake, and a love for courdorys and v-neck shirts, Nester is looking for love, lust, or something along those lines. Please put your hands together and donate your phone numbers to this hoeless romantic. Email nestor at and he will surely get in contact with you. Please send pictures, so even if it doesn't work out, he has something to make love to you by.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Bunk Fortune Top 40 (#'s 1-20)
By Salvador Gabor

A few weeks back, Reggie Dinkins, Jr presented the Bunk Top 40 in Fortune. He began the countdown and now I'm here to top it off. Of course the only two requirements were that 1) You gotta be Bunk and 2) You gotta have some serious PAPER.

The list starts off with the #1 Spot but, I suggest you read from bottom to top.

1) Walter "I got dat" Wilkins. Big Walt has the street DVD & CD game on LOCK. He caters to the older Christian crowd. he made $500,000 on MADEA's FAMILY REUNION DVD's ALONE. You add in a few sells of the Passion of Christ and some Canton Spirituals' CD's and you can see why he made $1.7 Million last year. He has all the R.Kelly Sex Tapes and a few of his own, if ya nasty. Get wit big Walt cause He got dat!

2) James McGee, Illegal Cable Installer. Every since Mike Tyson was knocking niggas out in 30 seconds and people were wasting $50 on fights, James has been hooking the hood up with cable boxes. He has traveled along the Alabama/Georgia state lines and has made money that mirrors Ted Turner on a Bunk Level. A whopping $972,000 was made by McGee last year

3) Willie "Shark" Whitman, Bailbondsman. In a city like Little Rock, Arkansas, arrests are jackpots for the Shark. He has coaxed young gang members into robbing establishments and then calling the police to meet them there so they can be arrested. With this scheme he made an astonishing $918,000 last year

4) Miguel Taylor, Lifetime Juror. Miguel collects Jury Duty checks and re-invests them in many Money-Markets. He served on 1501 cases in 2004 and received $45,000 worth of checks that he re-invested and gained up to $850,000 off of these investments. These money markets were DICE games behind the 5th Street Market in Northeast DC

5) Leroy McIntrye, Auto Mechanic. "Pull around to the alley" is a phrase that Leroy made legendary. He saved his neighbors thousands of dollars in mechanical work on their automobiles. Never a one to handshake, Leroy winks his eye at you and keeps his nasty oily hands in his overall pockets. Never too far from a Colt 45 and a pack of Salem's, Leroy is the only man on the Western Hemisphere still unscrew bolts with his bare hands.....or should I say his BEAR hands. But for $805,000 a year, Id do the same thing

6) Jacob Steele III, Furniture Designer. Jacob originally created the plastic covers for couches in the 80's. He made MILLIONS and blew most of it when he tried to create an urban soft drink that was poured into mayonaisse jars. Although he blew Millions on that venture, he still brought in $732,000 last year

7) "Rank" Jesse McCollough, Drug Store Thief. "Rank" Jesse has been stealing for 35 years. In his tenure he has made a TOTAL of $715,000. I know we only do it according to this PAST year but "Rank" Jesse is deserving. Since he came back from Vietnam, he still thinks its 1969 ANYWAY so to him, its the same year. And that nigga aint put no deodorant on since 1969. But if you need some from the store, He'll get it for you.

8) Carl "The Molar" Alderman, Urban Dentist. You wanna set of Gold Fronts? Maybe a partial? Or just ONE platinum tooth to let these dudes know you aint playing. Go see my man Carl Alderman aka "The Molar". He's also known and "The Polar" with all that "Ice" he has in his dental shop. He learned this trade while in the West Virginia State Penitentiary. And with earning just surpassing $700,000 this past year, his time served was WELL worth it.

9) Donte Winbush, Owner of "19th Street Chop Shop" aka "East Coast Choppers". Leave your Cadillac unattended in Charlotte if you want to! That Lac will be sitting on Cinder-blocks messing with Tay. That boy is about his paper. And if you want a Range Rover for $22,000, he's the nigga to call. Try $675,000 a year on for size. Mr. Winbush is a 27 year old top 10 Bunk nigga for ya!

10) Russell "Foggy" McNair, Mobile Bartender. For $5, "Foggy" will come to YOUR hood, pop his trunk, and make you a combination of Peach Schnapps, Grand Marnier, Bacardi and Apple Pucker that will make your legs wobble. "Foggy" has been the Mobile Bartender in Houston for 15 years. Who can stop a man who's mobile bar has brought in $602,000?

11) "Ducktape" Billy Williams. Also knowns and "Ducktape Billy" or "Billy D Williams". Billy really doesnt have a job. But if YOU have one and are making enough money, he'll rob and/or kidnap you for a ransom. Most people know of Billy D's antics but they'd rather give him a few thousands than to be stuck in his funky basement. Billy D made $580,000 last year. Im sure he wont be on our list next year. Never had been on their before. He lucked up and found some money in Mrs. Alberta's basement and that lump sum got him close to the Top 10

12) Chester Davis, BBQ Extraordinare. Most people would imagine that barbequing would be a seasonal industry. NOT in Alabama. With all those prestigious football games between Alabama A&M, Alabama State and other SWAC conference teams in that area, Chester has plenty of pork for your fork. FatBack Meat, Hog Head, Chittlings and Neckbones can be found at every Alabama A&M home game. Wasted some sauce on your Leather Pants? At $527,000 a year, he can afford to hand out extra napkins

13) Tangy McMillan, Hair Stylist. She does EVERYBODY elses hair but never seems to have time to do hers. She works from sun up to sun down. Proms, Weddings, Interviews and first dates are when she does her best work for your hair. She has mastered putting orange coloring in hair and dookie braids. I guess $515,000 a year would make you leave your kids at home to fend for themselves while you literally LIVE in the salon

14) "Cut-Throat" Willie Spriggs, Disc Jockey. Willie Spriggs (you gotta say his WHOLE name) or "Cut-Throat Willie", is known for spinning records at ALL of the retirement parties and so forth in the New Orleans and Baton Rouge areas of Louisiana. He knows when to cut on some Boney James and how to mix right in with some R. Kelly. He'll have you stepping in the name of love and in the name of a dollar. At $500 an hour you BETTA be dancing. He pulled in a staggering $501,000 last year.

15) Alphonzo Whitaker, Leading Uptown Street Pharmacist for the Clifton Group located in N.W. Washington D.C. Whitaker brought in a whopping $462,000 this past year. It can also be said for good measure that Phonzo refused to take any $18 sales of Dub bags of skunk. He ranked 21st last year and was determined to make the Top 15. Congrats, I know mommy and daddy will be proud.

16) Geraldine Fletcher, Grand Secretary of the Most Worshipful Watts Welcome Lodge in California. This Eastern Star is dedicated to her lodge unlike no other. She has raised over $5,500 to help Jesse McAfee, a local watts nigga go to Electrician School. Fletcher is worth about $425,000.

17) Janie Culpeper, Master Baker and wife of Langston. Of Course a man is not happy when his wife makes more than him but $402,001.92 isn't alot especially when she charged and extra $1.92 for a strawberry topping on a pound cake. Janie is always out and about and if you see her in her DeVille she is probably making a Cake Run

18) Langston Culpeper, Culinary Master of Grilling. Mr. Culpeper is a chief chef in and out of the kitchen. He is an avid griller and he enjoys February Barbecue. With earnings as up to $402,000, Mr. Culpeper can afford to buy more medicine for all the colds that he catches outside with no shirt on flippin ribs for Black History month

19) Robert "Dundie" Holloway, Country Pimp. From the dirt roads of Suwanee, Georgia, "Dundie" has made his mark on the streets of Detroit and Cleveland. Estimated to make $382,000 this year,
"Dundie" says "The Lord gets the Praise but, I'll never give a hoe NO RAISE"

20) Eddie Moncrief, CEO of OUT DE TRUNK. Anything you need from Lotion products to CD's to Knock off Gazelles and Gucci Shades..........Eddie has it. His YTD totals are estimated to be around $357,000