Friday, October 29, 2004

Natural Shopping
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Jemma and Pooky's All-Natural Sandcastle Hut is proudly offering free weight-loss mudbaths to it's first 50 customers the Friday after Veteran's Day. They are offering their special treatment weight-loss mudbaths to women and men, close to and/or well over 200 pounds. Glodine Wilford is a previously satisfied customer, who received the special mudbath and saw instant results.

Glodine described the treatment as, "It was kinda painful at first. It felt like they had 5 or 6 midgets under the mud, just whooping my butt in that mudbath. Then the next thing I knew it felt like I was sliding across a skating rink covered in luke-warm jello. I fell asleep, and I woke up feeling like a million bucks, and smelling like Texas Pete hot-sauce."

Glodine lost 40 pounds in the mudbath at Jemma and Pooky's All-Natural Sandcastle Hut, which will be closed tomorrow for investigation of alleged use of heroin in these special mudbaths. The sandy boutique also specializes in talking ant farms, sandcastles for every occasion, and gourmet mudpies. For any sandy need, want, desire, fetish, or malfunction come down to Jemma and Pooky's All-Natural Sandcastle Hut, where they use the finest dirt and sand to make you feel like a hundred grand.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Sports Update
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Former Freeze Tag great Dubious "Gus" Nichols has returned to Freeze Tag's senior circuit. The FTAS announced that Dubious would re-begin his reign this Thursday at the $250 Rudolph Elementary Tagout. George "Red Light" Gillings, and his uncle Curt Gillings will be the only notables at this Thursday's Tagout. This match is a preliminary for the $1550 Bruce Monroe Classic. Dubious is still in great shape and plays the game with his grandkids.

Nichols retired from the senior circuit in 1999 when Big John Henderson was tagging players with his fist. He injured 6 of the nations best senior players at the Olly-Olly-Oxon-Free-for-All in Oxon Hill, MD. Nichols never approved of close handed tagging, and wanted the board of trustees to do something about it, but nothing came about until 2002. In the 2002 Women's Division Arlene Wilkerson socked Judith Simes to win her first ever championship, but the socking oin the eye took it's toll as Simes was forced to retire immegiately. Her eye looked like meatloaf by 4:30. With these new provisions Dubious openly welcomed the thought of his return. His wife Barreen is happy to see him back on the circuit. "The man has been juking around chairs and open dishwashers for 5 years, he never got that freeze-tag out of system. I want him to win and be successful, or just lose and give it up. I can't keep running drills with him, messing up my good brooms, and trying to dodge my vaccuum, I got better things to do with my Saturday mornings."

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

News & Notes
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Last week Kings Dominion opened its doors to the gay community. The park went under the name "Queens Dominion" for the day, as many fairies, butchly studs, and unicorn lovers enterred the park. Jabaymond Wayland aka "Gay Jabay Way" and Carl "Stingy" Tompkins were a few of the many pitchers and catchers roaming the park. The park even renamed some of the rides for this queerly day. The "Rebel-Yell" was named the "Ring My Bell", the "Volcano" named "Vulvano", and the "Tower" was renamed Damon. There were scores of people riding the Drop Zone bucknaked, which caused several sprained mammaries, and a few bruised TesCLs. It was absolutely a GAF Gay and Faggy paradise. The opening of the park was delayed on the next day because of the rainbow cleanup, and Old Folks Day would not be ruined like it was 5 years ago, when it was scheduled on the same day as Black College Weekend.

"More News & Notes"
By Salvador Gabor

* Tyjuan Jenkins, Jr. Usher for the Mt. Sinai Baptist Church will not be able to serve this week due to a pulled hamstring he suffered in dress rehearsals for the Upcoming "Live and Let Go" Revival planned for this up coming week. His absence will include communion sunday, which is pivotal in the careers of Jr. Ushers. We will keep you posted on his status for the rest of the Holiday season.

* Alice Watkins was released on bond from the Kings County Jail in Brooklyn, NY after being arrested for smuggling Newport Cigarettes. A native of the Roosevelt Houses Housing Project, she was the person to see if you needed a "loosie", "jack" or "cig" depending upon your slang. She issued a short statement and says she plans on taking her hustle to Harlem and begin selling Contacts and Fake Whoopie Cushions on 145th and Broadway.

* The Washington D.C. Go-Go Instructees "Congo Player" of the Year goes to Michael "Beat Beat" Taylor. "Beat Beat" has a passion for rhythm and will make a beat on any table, wall and or chest that he sees. He taps his desk at work, school and even the kitchen table. His mother, Lucrinda Taylor, thought that young Michael had a chest pain one morning due to him banging on his chest but he was actually putting down a new beat. He has never actually played a congo before but he has basically destroyed all of Lucrinda's tupperware. The Shaw Neighborhood where he resides plans to do a bake sale in efforts to get this boy some congos. Now they have to work on a fundraiser to get them all a pair of earplugs.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

"Crimewatchers Vol. 2"
by: Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

This weeks edition of Crimewatchers brings us to the home of Carnell "Poot" James. Carnell is a fixture in the Eastgate community of Southeast, DC. He still sometimes cops a little something for sales. Carnell who has been married to his wife Javonne for over 3 years, is affectionately known as "Poot" for his affinity for the gasmatic. This nigga is liable to break wind anywhere and anytime, he has been known to fart on cocaine hand-to-hands and make pipehands grab their own tails as if they broke gas. "Poot" breaks wind while making love, "He once farted on me while we were doing it in Iverson Mall's parking lot", said Vonda Hurst, 2 lovers removed.

Although a fixture in the drug community in Greater Southeast, "Poot" has never been convicted of a crime, he holds a regular job paying good money at HUD. However, "Poot" is accused of ducking jury duty for almost 40 years. He has been receiving summons and running from truant marshalls for years. He is always determined to never go, hell bent on sticking to his guns, he has ducked and dodged the Moultrie Courthouse for years. He was finally caught 2 days ago.

Carnell was coming down C Street and saw the Officer Wyles coming towards his house, so he broke out and ran through Mrs. Pettway's yard, jumping over a pond and snaking thru the fence. Wyles stumbled in the pond, but managed to keep after "Poot". Carnell hid down Mr. Pugh's back stairwell, as he waited for Wyles to go on by, and he could go to Larchmont to kill some time before Wyles was off the clock. Standing in the well of Pugh's backstairs, a hollow area, known for its acoustics, and where the winos would go and sing during the day, Carnell lets loose the loudest fart known to B, C, and F Streets. Courdoroy's couldn't even muffle it, a skunk couldn't hide the smell, and reindeer couldn't slay that dragon. Wyles heard the gas echoing in the well of the backstairs and and found Carnell instantly.

Carnell is shown above with his wife Javonne, as "Poot" James entered the juror's lounge, "Man I got so nervous, my butt just removed itself from me, it was like I couldn't feel it, I couldn't do anything, hell I even laughed when it happened, felt like when Bill Cosby used to kiss Rudy, except it was butt to courdoroy. The mutha of all zerberts." "Poot" is currently serving on a case for theft of Walter Barray's Black Passion paintings.

Monday, October 25, 2004

"Industrial Thinkings"
By Salvador Gabor

Here at the Salvador Gabor Project, we really want to help young people find jobs. That's really on the hearts of ALL of the people involved with this website. Young People..........WE Love you! But sometimes we ALL wanna be in the same industry. Branch out........and broaden you horizons. We want you to be gainfully employed. And we have the top industries that you need to look at when picking an occupation, career or industry.

* Cab Drivers - Young people, this is a great (I mean VERY Great) industry to get into. The Cab Driving industry is full of old men who don't have much time left to work. You'll be hard pressed to find a 30 and under Cab Driving Professional. It doesnt seem to be a hot item for the youth. It's a shame. People always say "That boy is gonna be a preacher when he grows up", or "That girl is gonna be a doctor". No one ever says, "Lil Ronnie is gonna be a Cab Driver!"

* Reggae Producer - This may be the easiest. ALL reggae music is different as far as lyrics but the actual's a breeze. Same beats, same rhythms. Just learn to work the buttons in the studio and you're a "shoo in".

* NFL Punter - So many young, athletic, poverty strickened children of our urban communities can take their whole family out of the projects with a simple swift kick. This is a great opportunity. It's no need for you to do a bunch of exercises. Just keep that ONE leg in shape. Practice doing the "Tootsie Roll" and you should be aight.

* The "Ride Home from the Grocery Store" Man - Yall know what I'm talking about. The old timers that sit outside the Safeway's, Kroger's, Giant's, Bi-Lo' and Piggly Wiggly's and they take people home who don't have cars. Kids........this could be YOU! Unlike Cabs, the "ride home from the grocery store" man has an advantage if he can drive fast. The more people you drop off, the more money you can get. You can whip Mrs. Roberta around the corner and swing back around and get Mamma Rose and her grandkids and get another quick $17. The only downfall is that the older people don't give an even amount of money. Sometimes, it's so balled up that you don't know HOW much it is until she is gone.

* Barber at the Old Folks Home - Come on now, does your clipper game have to be on point for the old timers? Just knock it down a lil bit, throw on some spray and alcohol and scream out "NEXT!". This is the same for the "Special" kids.

* Karate Teachers - What happened to these people? Everyone wants to be Pee Wee League Football Coaches. Either that or Basketball and Little League Baseball coaches. No one wants to coach Karate. You know why? Cause you always end up with the un-athletic kid who gets beat up and the single mom cant teach em how to fight and now it's on you. You're the one who has to teach him to eat raw eggs and breaking bricks.

* NBA Baby Muva - Yep ladies find you a 6'9" Power Forward and just bend over. How else can you flip millions of dollars in 9 months? Make sure you go to every Lamaz class, every doctors appointment and eat right. You dont need no miscarriages or mishaps. It's alot on the line. I was told LeBron James just had a kid...........what a fool! A stone fool. I bet that girl's parents wasnt mad when she came home and said she was pregnant! I can bet that. Her daddy was probably like "I dont know why this aint happen sooner!". But let Rodney had a got her pregnant. All hell woulda broke loose!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

"When my head is down"
By Salvador Gabor

(Snaps Fingers)

When my head is down
No need to frown
'Fore there is something
That I want on the ground
It is not a bad day
I don't see it in that way
Everything is OK
I'd rather look down today
I kick the grass with my feet
Hoping to be complete
I look in the bushes
I look in the skreet
My teeth are turning brown
And I look as if Im down
That's only my head
And my arms are red
Marked up and bruised
This life I continue to choose
What maybe on the ground
is what I have abused
You say "Keep your head up"
And I ask "why do you say that?"
Surely I could never look to the sky
If Im tryna find CRACK

This peom was submitted by Julius Moore of the Ward 5 Committee for Public Crack Users

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

"Suggested Reading"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Good day, and many thanks. Here at the house that Starcade once remembered, we like to share opinions, views and manifested readings. Well many of us should pick up a book from time to time in order to raise or knowledge level, and scores on our Bunk Aptitude Tests.

From this week's prescribed literary ledger, we have "Sleeping Ugly". This instructional manual advises us to be kind to people when we are awake and living, because you might wind up sleeping ugly. Chapter One takes us to falling asleep in public. Many times we fall asleep because we are tired. Some stay up late, or just don't care about falling asleep on public transportation. However we need be more cognizant of such tiredness. pen-mouthed, one eye slightly open and twitching, sleeping women need take notice of bedtimes. You have been playing high saddity all week, shooting brothers down for no good reason. Now you wake up half drooling, with the Billy Dee of your dreams staring at you.

Latter chapters describe how one sleeps ugly while awake in the world. Sleeping ugly is sometimes termed as one's bad attitude, which causes them to miss out on life's precious offerings. Expensive whisky with a companion of the opposite sex in a broom closet, or free tickets to Wilohmena's Hedonism could really be hindered because you ignore the world with your funky attitude.

All in all, "Sleeping Ugly" by Ferdinand Scraggs, is a good book. It teaches us to be kind and aware of those that maybe watching us. I would recommend this book to anyone, whether you are cute, boogly, and or plus sized around your naval chin or neck. Boogers don't vanish because you are cute, adjustments might need be made to remove an old pancake injury.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

"Woman THOU Art Loosed!"
By Salvador Gabor

Hello all, I'm Montgomery Sims III and I'm here to tell YOU how I got RICH. YES. R I C H! Before you change the channel........just take a look at these white women I am with. Then ask yo' self......."Have I EVER been with a white woman? JUST ONE.......?" Well I am here to say I have the privilege of being with two and it is ALL because of one thing........

I ran into a man named E. Cunningham and he introduced me to a laxative called "Woman Thou Art Loosed". No not to be confused with the movie. These pills are laxatives for heavy-set women who are addicted to buffets. YES go an eat all you want. I will be standing and a-waiting for you to finish. I will be sitting near you car in the Great American Buffet parking lots, Old Country Buffet parking lots, and even Sizzler. Yes, grab an extra plate and pile on the corn muffins, I have what you need as soon as you loosen that belt buckle

Now for the young enterprenuers who seek to find an affluent avenue for streams of income, listen in, up and close to what I have to say. You must put away the cute women for a while. Seek the biggest ugly women you can find. Make them want you. Make them love you. Then watch them eat. Give them a free "Woman Thou art Loosed" pill. Watch them deficate with ease. That will make them eat more. See.........the secret is, these are hunger pills as well. Once they "drop it like it's on fire", they will gain hunger again. Now remember that FREE pill I spoke of? Well it's no longer free. Make that HUSKY woman reach in her purse for MORE. Yes but, remember you must make her LOVE you!

In closing, I'd like to say that it is a pleasure doing bidness with you. Im a private type nigga so just call me for instructions on mailing Checks and Money Orders. The number is (301) 455-3534. Ask for Bill, Kent, Bishop or whoever you feel like asking for...........just make sure you got that money. OHHHHH yeah as for the white gotta find them on ya own.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Words WE shoulda never known"

When I say "WE", Im talking about is black folks. Sometimes, I listen to my people speak and I say "They shoulda never gave them niggers a dictionary". I hate to say it but, we overuse some words. We find ONE big word and stick with it. We think we are SO smart with that ONE big word in our vocab!

Enterprenuer - Dont even bother by asking a young person what they wanna be when they grow up? Just stop asking after they turn 13. At that point they still wanna be a running back or something. But by the time they are 16, they caught a whiff of some thesaurus of sorts. Now they have incorporated the word "Entreprenuer" in their arsenal. "I wanna be an Entreprenuer". So what kinda Enterprenuer you wanna be Lil Roy? "Man just an Entreprenuer! know and do Enterprenuer things". That boy done watched too many VH1 Rap Diaries. Can't use the word properly and Lord knows he can't spell it!

Child Support - Fellas, aint that the truth. Im one that believes in child support if the father aint physically present in the household. But ladies.......come on ladies. How come you magically have two knew purses and a fresh wet set after the child support check comes in? Who do you have a mink and your son has a passed down Triple Fat Goose? Stop acting like a child with that support money!

Business Managment - If you ranked majors in college amongst African-American College Students, "Bidness Management" has to be 75% of the total. Niggas get to college and just fall off in SOMEBODY's bidness class. Business Management is equivalent to being undecided. I think we just blindfold ourselves and pick a major when we go to school. Everytime a black kid come home from school for vacation, we done picked a new major. And dont dare ask someone who hasnt gone to college what their cousin's major is........."Uhh Aww man, I think, I think, Pee-Pee Major is Bidness Management or somethin'".

Cosmotology - Ladies, I think it was around '92 when yall was blowing this word up. Going to school to do hair wasn't jazzy enough. "Yeah Mrs. Dixon, Im going to Cosmotology School". Back then when that word first started getting used, we thought it was Rocket Science. All you doing is washing somebody's hair, rolling it up and then flat ironing it.

Lexus - If you have family members over the age of 50, there is a slight chance that ANY and EVERY nice car that drives by could be a Lexus in their mind. "That's nice is that a Lexus?!?!" "What kinda car Johnny got now Steve.....aint that some kinda Lexus or something". "J.R. you done finished down there at the College, you can come on home, getchu a nice place and buy a Lexus".

Discount - Oh we love us a discount. That maybe the WORST word you coulda taught us hood people. Dont let Dontrell get a job down Foot Locker. Everybody in the Projects will know. "MAN do you that nigga Dontrell work down the Foot Lockers". And yall will rather get Dontrell fired than just pay for the shoes. Dontrell is JUST tryna get out the hood wit his lil shoe job. But yall wanna raid Foot Locker for every Timberland that you can possibly get outta that store. And if lil Dontrell cant get you a shoe for $55, you get mad!

"Can I see the Manager" - We JUST started being admitted to certain restaurants and we wanna see the manager if one napkin is out of place. Some of yall ghetto people dont even have good silverware at home and you wanna complain cause you cant see your ugly face in the spoon. That's a GOOD thing. Some of yall are entry level workers at your jobs! NO ONE is under your supervision and you wanna play BOSS in Ruby Tuesday's. Now why you gonna get Teresa fired???? Teresa makes more of tips than you do on your check in 2 weeks and you wanna be ignorant in public and make a scene.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, October 15, 2004

By Salvador Gabor

Looking for love? Look no further than Geraldine Spriggs. AHHH the smell of cigarettes on a tart tongue in the morning mixed with a sprinkle of Folgers is beyond romantic. Can we say "Good Morning America"? This love muffin comes to you by way of Flint, Michigan. A midwest girl at heart, nothing says loving like zip-up boots, a snug dress and a racoon fur windbreaker. Yes fellas, this is a "fly-gurl" to behold. She is a Herringbone rocking, up-do having, hand dance veteran. Not just any man can handle such a sweet loving Detroit area woman like this.

Geraldine wants a man who works. Preferably postal workers and Airborne Express/DHL employees. "I love me a man who knows how to work with a BOX!" says Geraldine. She enjoys reading Jet Magazines, riding in her Chrysler K car and listening to Millie Jackson.

If you are interested call Montgomery at (301) 455-3534. Until next time, peace, love, soul........and french roll!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

By Salvador Gabor

Shirley Reed is a lovely mature woman looking for a nice man to wine and dine with. She prefers tall man with a slight gut. Not one to shy away from a cold "bumper", she enjoys sippin on a Bud Light every once in a while. She especially enjoys "nippin" on some bud on the back of a bus during her trips to Atlantic City. She's not much of a card player, she leaves that to her sister Evelyne. She enjoys shooting craps and frequents the casinos in West Virginia.

Shirley has been married twice. Married to the same man twice for that matter. Ole JB couldnt seem to get himself together. He took the drinking overboard but, Shirley still loves JB. Loves em enough to run em pass the liquor store after she picks em up from his AA meetings.

If you want to catch up with Shirley, you better catch her now. She has a train to catch. She is headed to Tennessee for the Tennessee State Vs. Fisk Game. She has to make a run to the cleaners to pick up her Leather Outfit and then she is gone off to have a "Bumpin" time down in the south. Call QUICK.........(301) 455-3534. Ask for Bill.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

"Vote or Die"
By Salvador Gabor

Are we dead? Really........are we dead? It's an ultimatum........"Vote or Die"! For many of us, if we had to choose between the two to describe what we've done with our civic right and duty, we've essentially chosen the latter. We've been "DEAD" for years. I'm 25 years old. I've been eligible to vote on all levels for 7 years now. Yet, I've never done so. None of my friends go to the polls. No one that I personally know makes a serious effort to go to the polls. If it's convenient that day, they will vote. If not.......oh well. But, what really catches my eye is that there are millions of others JUST like me, who have taken the right to vote as nonchalant or even moreso than I have.

Why do you die when you don't vote? Well it's simple. You don't vote and that leads the politicians to forget about you and your whole existence. Sure, they know that there are housing projects, crime infested and poverty strickened neighborhoods. Surely they exist in the minds of the political powerhouses. But, when we don't show up to the polls, it makes them get convenient amnesia when it comes to solving our problems. At the end of elections, results come back and the number of voters in comparison to the number of citizens in certain urban areas or WAY OFF. So in the minds of our leaders, we ARE "dead". Out of sight, out of mind. It's that simple.

Well, why don't we become "alive" and vote? We don't see a need to. We feel that change doesnt come at a poll. And that is correct but, it's a beginning. I used to have mixed feelings about voting but, the overall outlook on the ramifications of the future have changed my views. We DO have a need to go out and vote. But, we are stuck in a mentality that is not one of successful people. Successful people plant seeds and WAIT for them to grow. All the while, they are nurturing the land that they have planted their seed in. We as an urban culture have been tricked, jerked and fooled into believing false promises given to us by leaders in the past. Rowled up so many times, only to be let down, we have an excuse to be angry and fed up. We have an excuse NOT to vote because we don't think things will change. But, in order to be successful, a seed has to be planted.

That fruit wont appear tomorrow, nor the next day. But, later it will appear. Many of us find it hard to look beyond this calendar date but, no one WANTS to die tonight. No one WANTS to think they won't be here tomorrow. When we lay down, we plan to wake up. It doesnt always work that way but, we DO make some plans to see another day. With that mentality in place, we must take that theory to another level and plant the seed today that blossoms into the fruit of tomorrow. Voting today makes a change for tomorrow. "Tommorrow" in a sense goes beyond 24 hours from now. "Tomorrow" deals with the future. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Who will decide what is available to you in 10 years? Will you be able to afford to live in 15 years? These are all questions that can be answered by voting. So you wanna be an entreprenuer huh? Seems like everybody does. You gotta pay taxes, you gotta have real estate and you have to be concerned with the state of commerce in this country as an entreprenuer. All these things controlled by politicians who pass or veto bills that revolve around business. And where you want to be in 5 years, what will be available to you in 10 years and will you be able to afford to live in 15 years revolves around what you do. And a large percentage of our successful people in this world become a succes through ownership of business and business owners rely on policies laid down by politicians to maintain success.

How can you complain, when you had nothing to do with the politicians being in office or being kicked out? How can you complain when the housing prices are up or the taxes are up in you didn't make a choice? We as urban people live in a culture where we want results now and we don't want to be the ones to put forth the effort. Once again, due to our bad experiences in the past, we have an excuse to feel this way. But, will that make it better? I doubt it. We are expecting millions of NEWLY registstered voters to go to the polls this year. Many of those are people whose make up and background are that of people from the ghetto, slums and middle class neighborhoods of america. People who have new issues and problems that need to be addressed. Issues and problems that have been ignored because politicians have looked at you as being "Dead". Imagine 10 Million new voters hitting the polls. Imagine how AFTER the election, both parties will be scrambling to collect data on the demographics of these new voters? Imagine that the effect of new voters in the urban communities becomes so vast that in 2008, we see clips of presidential candidates doing debates in Harlem, Southeast D.C., Uptown New Orleans and Dade County Florida. Imagine candidates shaking hands in South Philly, Compton, Watts, Southside Chicago and 5th Ward in Houston instead of JUST Iowa, Michigan and South Dakota. It's a crazy thought. But, if we as NON-voters turn the corner and get over the hump and take out a few minutes to wait in a line and vote for whoever (it doesnt matter, just vote), the next time around, we won't have to find the candidates, they will find us. If you're tired of being walked over and looked past like a dead body in a grave, then wake up. Become alive. It's either VOTE OR DIE.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Sal's Corner
"A Mighty Long Way"

Lord knows we done came a mighty long way. We went from a little to alot as Black People. Some of us go too far. We act all siditty in our offices at work. Deep down we know we are still "Bunk". If you dont know what "Bunk" is, check our archives. Onward.....Im here to remind some of you where we came from and hopefully after this, we shall remember and never ever forget.

Clothes - Now it's cute for women to go to the Thrift Store and buy little odds and ends. Get caught in the thrift store back in '89. Kids came out the thrift like a criminal out of court. Jacket over the face and everything. But you know you had to buy them $3 slacks. You was too husky at 11 years old to be splitting some $60 dress pants.

Computers - Ohhhh man. This is one that takes the cake! People can't go without the internet and computer access now. Book Reports, Info on Jobs, Reading the daily paper and other resources of info are ready available on the net. Now you can turn in a paper at school directly from articles on the net. With the right amount of money, you can ORDER a paper on the internet. Once you plagerize your paper you can turn right around and type it up on Microsoft Word. I remember a time when it was one TYPEWRITER in my neighborhood. We were one of the only one's that had a typewriter. People used to use ours. Now everyone got DSL and Modems and $19.99 worth of access to the world.

Licking the Pan - Ummm Mmmmm. If Mamma cooked a cake on a Saturday evening, you know you was licking that pan that was filled with the cake mix. For some of yall, that was dinner. The worst thing you could do was share the pan wit someone else. Licking the pan was a one man job.

Sharing Baths - Everybody shared a bath. Who you think you is at 8 talking about you wanna bathe by yourself? WHAT, you betta get in here with Randolph and Lil James. Your grandmamma would put as many of yall in there as possible. It looked like a Wet Football Huddle. That's why all these kids are gay now. They aint in touch with their sexuality. You need to throw 2 or 3 underage kids together in the tub.

Bubble Baths - Some of yall go to Saunas and Hot Tubs and stuff like that now. Shoot, when you was little, the closest you got to that was some Dishwashing Liquid and a Heater in the bath room. Yall know the heaters Im talking about, the kind that looked like a SuperSize toaster. The Dishwashing Liquid always seemed to be in the kitchen when you need it in the tub and in the tub when you need it in the kitchen.

Luxury Vehicles - God has been good to us. He sho' has. Now many of us are riding in Acura's, Nissans, GMC Trucks and so forth. But, let's go back. Take it back to the oldsmobile with one door that opened. It looked like a car at the circus when the family went out.

Haircuts - We try to be cute and get our haircut during lunch. Maybe after lunch. We used to wear sweatpants to the shop, now we loosen our tie and come in the shop looking professional. We act sophisticated but yet maintain our "Street Cred". God knows, we JUST stopped getting our haircut on the porch a few years ago. Some of yall wasnt even getting shapeups. Just taking that thang down. It wasnt even a fade, it was just a line that separated hair from skin somewhere in the middle of your head. And if JB wasnt drunk, you'd be lucky to have a straight line dividing the skin from the hair

Hairdos and Nails - Yep ladies, yall had it rough too. Yall got appointments for the hairdresser every week now. Yall KNOW yall was gelling that hair down every Saturday night before church. Remember you got the neck fade in the back and after that you didnt get no more. That back of yo' head looked like the bush in the back yard. Hair looked so nasty I thought you needed drawls to cover it up. Like you had Pubic Hair Restoration to your neck. Then some of yall had the burns on the side of ya head from them curlers. You stayed up half the night trying to get that last curl to stay put. It be so much Oil Sheen in the it looked like a Super Bowl Introduction with all that smoke. And Nails........let's not get on nails.........French Manicure? What is that? Back in '87 all you knew was Red Polish and you wore it till it chipped ALL the way off!

Regardless of where we go and/or what we do, we've come.......A MIGHTY LONG WAY

Friday, October 08, 2004

"Pimp of De Week"
By Salvador Gabor

I present to you fine people The Honorable Mr. Donnell "Squeeze Me" Huggins.

One of the most affectionate pimps you'll meet, he uses his smoothness over harshness to win the women over. His deep concentration skills earned him the name of "The #1 Hypnotik Pimp". He loves to romance, dance and put women in a trance.

Hometown: Equality, Alabama

Hobbies: River Dancing and Hoola-Hooping

Activities: Member of the St. Jesse's Baptist Church 2nd Sunday Usher Board and a former Mr. Equality

Famous Relatives: His Uncle Butch Huggins was Vice Mayor of Equality for a short stint of 2 Days.

Quote: "Get in my mind and mine shall be yours"

Thursday, October 07, 2004

"What THEY do?"
By Salvador Gabor

Everybody wants to know what "They" do. So what do "They" do? "They" does everything. He is a multi-tasking, ambidexterous, and loves to be everywhere at once. If they was a shooting, you know "They" did it. If the was music on, you know "They" was partying. If you was told something, "They" told you. "They" is a well-rounded nigga. But he is hard to capture.

"They" is someone, I've never seen. I don't know anyone who has seen "They". Yet "They" is always in the middle of something. How can "They" fight in the club and no one knows where he lives. No one knew how "They" got to the club or who "They" is but, "They" beat somebody up? When the police comes, all people can say is........"Man THEY did it". But, we can never find out who "They" is?

Why can't we find out who "They" is? I personally think that it's because "They" is a smooth criminal. Now Annie are you ok? Are you Ok Annie? Whether you are or you are not, "They" wont be around when the crowd gets there. "They" will tell you a story and by the time people start asking you what was said, "They" is gone and you can't even describe who "They" is. Sometimes I get the feeling that some of us know "They". We are just scared to say who "They" actually is. So we'll tell our friend what "They" said and then when the friend is offended we say man "They" told me. But you wont tell em who "They" is. Some of us know who "They" is but, the event happens so fast that we can't breathe, and all we can say is "They" did it.

This leads me to believe that "They's" name really isn't "They". Maybe "They" is your next door neighbor. Maybe it's your cousin or they nigga you love to hate. But "They" has another name. I would go as far as to say that a few people maybe sharing "They's" responsibilities. Maybe the "They" costume is passed around to anyone who feels up to the task of starting trouble and or a problem and quick enough to get away. Maybe one person got tired of being beat by "They" and wanted to be apart of what "They" were doing. Now you know what "THEY" say, if you cant beat em....join em!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Sal's Corner
"2004 Keeping it Hood Awards"

(Since I missed this past Monday and a few Mondays over the last few weeks, I'm gonna double up for yall this week)

Well we've seen 3/4 of the year go by and I think we've seen enough to award some eligible nominees for their Hood Antics. Not a year goes by that we don't see somebody keep it hood for the people. We here at the Salvador Gabor Project want to showcase those people and give them their proper due.

Clothing Line of the Year goes to The Entire Asian Entrepreneural Association in America for coming out with those Fish Net Slippers. I got an email with a DUDE wearing them. That's when I knew it was crazy. You gotta give it up for the Asian Entrepreneurs for giving our black women a reason to match their slippers with their dresses. I never thought it would be THAT serious! It has gotten out of control. How can one have 13 different colored pairs of chinese slippers in their arsenal? I mean HOW!

Automobile Company of the Year is a tie between Dodge and Chrysler. After a 35 year run, Cadillac has lost the Keep it Hood Award to these two Titans in the Ghetto Community. The unveiling of the Dodge Magnum and the Chrysler 300 C has given ghetto hood rich niggas all across the country a chance to feel like they are in a Bentley for under $30,000. $30 G's used to be able to get you a fully equiped Hyundai, now you can truly ride in style at that amount. I've never so many people staring at a Dodge in my lifetime! Who knew a Chrysler would have more benefits than just as a rent-a-car for a trip to South Carolina. Kudos to Dodge and Chrysler.

Phrase Retirement of the Year goes to "I KNOW that's right!". It's time people. Really it's time. We retired "You Go Girl" and next in line is "Doing the Dag on Thang!". But for now "I KNOW that's right" has to go. We must try our best to discontinue this one. It will be hard but we must. We can not go into 2005 with this as a part of our lingo. I challenge our culture to be advocates for the dismissal of this phrase

Soccer Mom of the Year: It was Ann Iverson, mother of Allen Iverson. But we don't have to go far to find the winner for 2004. We will stay in Philly and Award Mrs. McNabb mother of Donovan McNabb. How hood is this.........your son puts you in HIS commercial and now YOU have a commercial??? Momma McNabb, if you don't sit down and make some corn pudding! What you doing being a celebrity!

Telecommunications Provider of the Year goes to Nextel. What a cell phone company. What phone service do you know that will allow 8 niggas to be under one family plan. You ever see money being collected 2 days before a bill of more than $1,000 is due? Oh what a sight to see! It's unmatched! And let's not talk about the Ringtones. You got grown men looking for 50 Cent ringtones. You're in an Executive Meeting and all of a sudden your leg starts humming "I dont care what you heard about me........".We keep it so hood but, yall gotta love it!

Big Pimpin on your level Award goes to Wal-Mart. They gave all Geo, Neon, and Hyundai owners a chance to let their wheels spin too! Goshdarnit we all spinnin! It was a need and Wal-Mart filled the void. I couldnt see that lil Spanish guy with the 87 Celica going to a custom shop and requesting rims. They'd probably send him to a used car dealers with better instructions and opportunities on how to use that $5,000 correctly. I think we need to issue a new rule: From this day forward, if you car isnt the Top of the Line in it's model, then you need to take your rim money and add that to getting your car fully equiped. Even if its the 745 "i", take that rim money and "LI" the situation.

That's all for now. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Sal's Corner
"You Think You Bad"

"You think you bad huh?". That's an ole skool phrase for ya. I mean you ever seen somebody and they swore they were DOING IT...........and they aint doing nothing at all! Im here to speak on a few situations and instances where this has or does occur

* Names - You ever had someone that you knew that ALWAYS has to emphasize that their name means something? EVERYONE's name means something, so what are you saying. The people that kill me are the ones who are quick to say "MY name is in the bible. I have a bibical name". Ok so your name is Peter? WHOOPDEY WOOO. Well since your name is Peter do you know that Peter was the one who betrayed Jesus before he was crucified? Isn't such a great name now is it?

* Men and their Women - You ever seen a dude in the mall and his girl is kinda attractive? I mean she aint that DEAL but, she is decent. You glance over and this clown has the nerve to grab her up. He clutches her like a White Lady grabs her purse when she is lost in Manhattan and somehow walked thru Harlem. He grabs her like your mother grabs the back of your arm when you dont really wanna go but she is mad and she is praying to God her anger doesnt lead to cursing. And the thing about it is.......she really AINT all that. I understand that she's YOUR lady but, it's plenty out here. And it's always the guys who have the girl who cant dress. She'll have on Bell Bottoms and a Halter Top and the reason why we are looking is because she looks like she belongs in a 1992 CeCe Peniston video.

* Women and their Kids - Everybody thinks that their kids are so smart. They fill your head up with stories about "Marquis" ALL morning. "Girl I just dont know what to do with Marquis". "He came upstairs this morning and asked if he could read a book on the way to school! I was so excited". Look.........the boy IS 6!! He should be reading. Everyone thinks their kids are so exceptional. I dont want to hear about "Marquis" all day. He aint no smarter than any other kids.

* Government Jobs - People who chase after Government Jobs are the worst. "You betta get in dis Gumment". Yes, government jobs are good to have. Stability is key and government jobs are good for that. Yet, these government jobs are NOT the "end all tell all" jobs. Yes if you can get in, it is great but you may be in the same cubicle, eating lunch with the same ole lame co-workers, at the same hot dog stand, taking cigarrette breaks at the same time each day for 35 years. Goverment workers can be the most pitiful looking people. They walk around with their ID Badges and they watch the news closely to see if Federal Gov't is off of work because of snow. They also are quick to flash their badges when they check into hotels. They are just pitiful. Government work is fine but dont let it consume you.

* 80's Car Owners - Let's get this straight. Just because you bought a 1985 Benz in 1998 does not make you a "Benz Driver". "Yeah man, I only drive Benzes". 93 Supreme gas wasn't even out when that car was made. You're not a Benz Driver, you are a bucket driver. These kinds of people are the worst. They own more Benz magazines and Benz lifestyle periodicals than a person with a 2004 model. They can tell you more about the current Benzes than they should know. AND they ALWAYS hit you with this one........."Yeah I might trade in the 560 SEL for a new one, one of these days". Nigga you aint trading in nothing!

Friday, October 01, 2004

"Street News"
By Salvador Gabor

A survey conducted in the inner city streets of Washington, D.C. concluded that Bud Ice is the new beer of choice. In an extensive survey conducted by Keith Cunningham And Dewey McDaniels, otherwise known as Keith and Dewey, Bud Ice is the most purchased beer in the streets on the 1st and 15th of each month. This is significant because on payday, you have an endless amount of money. You choose to eat, drink and have sex with what you want on that day. On any other day you will have to settle for what you wallet will allow. Keith and Dewey didn't have to go far. They stood in front of Bass Liquors on Eastern Ave. and Larchmont Liquors on Larchmont Ave. to conduct studies. They also did a few "test" studies themselves to see which beers tasted the best. It took quite some time but at the end, Bud Ice prevailed. Here's to you Budweiser..........."The Breakfast Beer of Champions"