Monday, September 13, 2004

Sal's Corner
"As a Man"

I recently turned 25 years old. Whether I like it, you like or they like it.........Im a man! Period! It's not alot to it. Now as a man, I must do certain things. The obvious being owning my own living situation, i.e. an apartment or house, not relying on parents, and/or owning up to responsibilities. But, that's not what we are here today to discuss. We must go a little bit deeper into what you can and can NOT do as a man.

* Limit your public dancing - Unless you of Caribbean or African decent, there is no need for you to be winding your body up in public. Do it as a joke for your friends at home. But doing some A-Town dance, beating your feet, harlem-shaking, tootsie-rolling, butterflying or any other "cute" dances are prohibited. Notice I gave lee-way to Africans and Caribbeans. See, in their cultures, homosexuality is not as heavy as it is in the U.S. African dudes wear shorts above the knees and sandles, wind up their bodies and are considered masculine anyway. That's just them. But, if your last name aint Njoko, I don't wanna see you winding AND you better not have on no short shorts and sandles either.

* Exposure of Feet - Limit that. First off, dont come to MY house and take off your socks and shoes. I dont care if you ARE spending the night. Keep your socks on. Male feet are not permitted to be seen in the presence of another man. If I walk in and you are clothed but, you just gotta put on socks and shoes, that's fine. Just make sure if I see your feet, you are working to get them covered. I dont need to be watching a movie and glance over and you are wiggling your pigglies.

* Voicemail - Do not "BLOW UP" the phone of another man. This should be understood but, I must revisit this for many who lack the proper and common knowledge of being a man. If you call me, I dont answer and it's important.......LEAVE A MESSAGE. I WILL call back. Some of you dudes are ridiculous. You'll call 8 times.........then leave a message..........then resume calling me again. In my mind i'm like, "I know his GIRL must be going through it". Fellas, compose yourself.

* Haircuts - As a man, you should have your haircut once a week. Facial hair, and shape-ups need to be tightened up every week. Everyone doesnt have the steady hand to do their own grooming. So go on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday and get tapered up. Spend $10-15 on yourself. Some dudes walk around with beards like they are on "Survivor". And if ya beard has patches in the middle, you definitely need to go to the shop ASAP.

* Wash ya own drawls - Fellas when that "brown" is in your drawls, at least do a "pre-wipe". If your lady washes them, take some effort and put a lil bleach in that seat area and wipe that down. Either that or try colored underwear.

* Never let another man talk to you with his hand on your shoulder - This is a major no-no. Many men will try to do this as a sign of seniority. They'll meet and greet you and pull that "shoulder move". You have two options, 1) Just be cold and dont allow it or 2) Counter with your own "shoulder move". Now either way is effective but I suggest and prefer #2. You dont have to counter immediately, maybe wait until you guys depart the event. THEN, you give HIM the "shoulder move". How about giving him a hard pat on the shoulder, and then a light grip. JUST to let him know "You can't SON me".

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Known as the "Eighties Baby", Felix "Precious" Wyms is another hoeless romantic looking for love. He is called the 80's Baby because his style, rap, and sense of being never quite left the 80's, actually it never really moved past February of '87. The former Ms. Black Peoples USA judge has been looking for love since 1985 when he was caught two-timing to of the pageant's contestants. Quite the lover, or so he smelled of it, Precious was simultaneously dating Darlene Hines and Phyllis Rodgers during the time of the '85 pageant. Dating between judges isn't encouraged, and it aint prohibited either but, to skillfully pull off the art of double-dating with one mate is impossible. With all the media attention from Jet, Ebony Delight, and Sapphire and other top magazines, combined with how photogenic Precious is, it is obvious to see how things went awry.

It was the Friday of the pageant, and on page 41 of the Jet Precious was seen with Rodgers, and on page 25 of Sapphire he was seen playing "footsies" with Hines. As other members of the pageantry thumbed thru the magazines, gossip spread, and before you know it hate-eyedness began. Nothing really happened backstage, but Darlene did trip Phyllis as they were going up the stairs. The two kept their cool until Phyllis was named the winner of the pageant. It was then that Darlene grabbed her by that tiara and cold-cocked her in the eye. A catfight insued, a melee, a brawl-for-it-all, started on stage. The pageant was shown on the Black Public Broadcasting Service at 10pm, and was reshown at 11, 12, 3am and 10s of times throughout the week. Precious sat and watched while eating a syrup sammich.

Word got out that Felix Wyms was a no-good two-timing dog, and his rep has been soiled. However, that hasn't changed Felix and he still believes he is as "Precious" as ever. This Sagitarius enjoys a sophisticated lady of inner-ghetto distinction, a lady who chews with her mouth slightly open, and sits with her legs the same way. A freak by nature, and by cologne "Stag" is the scent that draws his ladies near. He enjoys moonlit ear-licking, footsies in a crowded room, and Joy and or Dawn bubblebaths (or bubblebaths with Dawn Wake and Joy Perkins). A man of Cadillac mystique and a Buick's engine, Precious is waiting for your call. To contact him please call 301-455-3534, or at for more information.

"I'm indispensible, you can't do without me, your first step is to recognize this." --"Precious"--