Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"I'm Hongry"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

I've come to notice that women like to eat out rather frequently. If given the option of staying home and eating or patronizing an eating establishment, most women would prefer the latter. That being said, I'm going to give my take on either how your man feels about you or the dynamics of your relationship based on the places that he takes you to eat.

McDonald's: You probably have a phat butt. Your face is aight. Since you already have a phat butt, he figures you eat McDonald's on the regular so this is a safe (and cheap) option.

Checker's: Quick meal after a night out at The Met or The Tunnel. Y'all just met, been grinding and sweating against each other and need a Champ Burger to soak up them all them rum & cokes.

Wendy's: You called your boyfriend and told him you wanted him to bring you a #7 Crispy Chicken sandwich combo meal. You live on 3rd & Kennedy St. He lives on 30th & Alabama Ave. He ain't trying to make that drive tonight but you start talking all soft and say "Pleeeease, I'll be your best friend," and he brings you your food. He drank your pink lemonade though. To show your gratitude, you give him some real quick, he leaves, and you finish watching the Best of Comic View.

KFC: Y'all been messing with each other for about a month or two and are just chilling in Grandma's basement watching a Steve Harvey Show re-run. You can tell he likes you because y'all didn't get separate 3 piece meals. Y'all got the 8 piece bucket that y'all can share together.

Horace & Dickies: The two of you live together, no kids. You been laying in bed all day on a Saturday watching some movie about some woman who got raped or molested on the Lifetime channel (it's always a movie about a woman who got raped or killed her husband on Lifetime). He's been out playing ball with the fellas. You call and leave a message on his cell phone to bring home some fish when he comes. You don't even have to tell him where to get the fish, HE KNOWS. And he knows to get extra hot sauce and tartar sauce packets.

Eddie Leonard's Carryout: Y'all live together off and on up 21st Street, are not married, have 2 kids together, but there are a total of 4 kids between you. You call ahead and order him a steak and cheese with everything no tomato and French fries with saltpepperketchup. You order a medium beef & broccoli and a grape Rock Creek soda. The bill is $12.68 and it will be ready in 15 minutes. The two of you spend 20 minutes arguing about who is going to pay for it before you give him $3.25 and he hops in his Buick Celebrity and drives up the street.

Red Lobster: If this is y'all first date and you are impressed, then your are a Hoodrat. BUT, you are a Hoodrat with potential. He sees that you could be his baby mama in the near future. You got a cute face, your braids are fresh and tight, and you fill out a pair of stretch jeans nicely. You probably call them scrimps and you ask if the alfredo sauce is the white sauce or the red sauce. But it's all good because, "Girl, he took me to Red Lobster last night and he let me order the Lobster Feast."

Now if this is not your first date, then you are either engaged or married. Red Lobster is a place to eat on a boring Friday night. Nothing special, just some shrimp pasta, a lobster tail, and them cheese biscuits! Oh boy. I've seen some people get real rowdy if they don't bring them cheese biscuits out fast enough. (I've even seen some women bring a zip-lock bag and put them biscuits in her purse to take home.)

Fridays/Applebee's: Y'all are anywhere between 18-24 years old. You might be college students or work for the DC Government. (Notice I didn't say Federal Government. If you work for Fed. Govt., you are likely to be eating somewhere like the DC Chophouse or Capital City Brewery). You two are young and in love, but BROKE. Together, y'all can afford a $31.45 bill from Friday's and leave a $3 tip.

Morton's/Legal Seafood's: The two of you are college educated, young professionals. No kids. You each have you own apt/condo/house. This is your first date, so he is trying to impress you by going to an "upscale" restaurant. You are somewhat impressed by his selection. You are even more impressed by his conversation and when he pays for the meal with his Platinum American Express. Too bad these restaurants are way overpriced and he just paid $14.95 for a bowl of crab bisk.

Your own kitchen: This is always the best meal because, YOU cooked it. The way to a man's heart IS through his stomach. Those are some of the truest words ever spoken. The thought, time and effort put into a good meal shows him that you care. I'd rather you make me a bowl of cheese grits with crumbled up bacon, than dine at any restaurant because I know you stirred that pot with me in mind.

No matter where your boyfriend/cut buddy/baby fahva/husband takes you to eat, enjoy it and appreciate him for feeding your hungry a@@ because he could have left you at home with a cup of Oodles of Noodles and half empty bottle of Wink. Naw seriously though, relationships are often forged over a good meal, no matter who cooked or served it. Cherish that time at your dinner table. They say the family that prays together stays together. This is very true. But also remember, the family that grubs together loves you better.

Black Health
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

This is a service announcement inviting folk to come down to the Ooooh Lawd Arthritis Clinic for the Spry and Limber. Ms. Vernicia Epson is spearheading a "Limber-up & Stretch-out Workshop" this Thursday after tomorrow. The workshop will be working towards getting our seniors more spry. Vernicia Epson will be the keynote speaker, and she will be touching the subject of "Contact for Cataract" and "Epsom Salt for the Soul". Mrs. Trudalia Weathersby will provide all materials for the "Contact for Cataract", after she confiscated them from her grandson Ronnie.

Epson knows a great deal about arthritis, she has been sponsored by Ace Bandages since she was 27 years old. She recently was recognized by Tiger Balm as a 30 year Home Remedy Arthur Achievement recipient. She is known to soak her feet in pot-liquor and her knees in corn-liquor, everything else she says will take care of itself. She often gets irritated by new-fangled names like "Jumper's Knee" and "Tennis Elbow". On their way to "Ooooh Lawd" she told her good girlfriend Colinda Dade "hell I got shucker's thumb, bender's knee, and looker's eye, but that don't stop me from doing what I gots to do".