"Are you ready?"
By Lonnie "Ice" Kolberg
“ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?”…It is finally upon us. We've waited almost 8 months for this time. After watching the no-name Pistons win the NBA title and not watching baseball at all…here comes the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. This is the time where everybody thinks their team is going to the Super Bowl! Every year we enter the season with expectations as fans only to be disappointed. Your team might have hired a new coach, drafted an impact player, or signed one via free agency. This gives the team and fans hope, life, and a reason to speak. If your team didn’t do this then you can’t even talk football with the fellas. For example, I can talk because my team has accomplished all three of those in Joe Gibbs, Sean Taylor, and Clinton Portis. What?...Joe Gibbs is back. Yes, he is and he brought his whole AARP staff with him. This is why Washington, DC is alive right now. This is why all of the barbershops have the bud light schedule hanging on the wall. This is why I have seen at least 3 “Posse” t-shirts. Also around the league, “Primetime” is back. Deion Sanders has lost a few steps and just needs the money because he didn’t want to go out in the woods and shoot a deer on his TV show. Now you might finally know somebody else on the Ravens besides the Lewises. If you have ever played for Philly and are out of work, have no fear because the desperate eagles are here. They brought back Jeremiah Trotter and Hugh Douglas both of whom won’t play all 16 games and are on the decline in their careers. They did add two pro bowlers in Jevon Kearse and Terrell Owens who should help get them back to the playoffs. Even after letting their best running back, Duce Staley, go to Pittsburgh who wants to get back to the running game. Shouldn’t you have done that last year? New England wants to have a running threat as well. This is evident in their signing of Corey Dillon. Didn’t they just win a Super Bowl and now they are on track again. What happened to parity? Parity sent the Jets to the Redskins last year and now it has sent the Jets to the Cowboys who added Vinny Testerverde and Keyshawn Johnson this offseason. There are a few rookie head coaches out there but I will hold onto my opinion for a minute while they get their first season underway. All of this news has given several teams, fans, and cities something to be hopeful for and something they can talk about. But if you root for the Cardinals, Browns, Lions, Chargers, Giants, Texans, 49ers, Bengals, Bears, and Dolphins, you might want to start watching College Football to see who is coming out for this year’s draft because you have no chance this year. No matter what your team did in the offseason, it wasn’t enough. For everybody else there is reason to be optimistic until around week 10 where we find out who are the contenders and the pretenders. Here is my early list of contenders: Indianapolis, New England, Baltimore, Kansas City, Tennessee, St. Louis, Carolina, Green Bay, Philadelphia, and Minnesota. After that everybody else falls into the “tweener” category because I don’t know which way they will go yet. **Disclaimer** For the record, this list and everything I say is subject to change according to what happens throughout the season.
This year a few teams might be added to the contender list. This is due to the enforcement of the 5-yard illegal contact rule. You mean I can’t grab, push or jam me a skinny receiver after 5 yards. What is this flag football?...No, it is the rules. This means we get an opportunity to see 40 year old quarterbacks (i.e. Vinny Testerverde) throw for 300 yards. I personally like this rule, but it was the same rule that they didn’t call last year in the playoffs that almost cost me my rent. Let’s see this year if they call it because that will determine if I am renting or buying after the season. Heck, after the season, I might just pull a “Ricky” and leave everything in the US but I think I will choose Amsterdam instead of Asia. But, enough already,let’s get this season started. Get all of your fantasy teams together. Start saving up for them office pools. Make sure you pick the right blocks. Find your reasons now why your team won’t win…and let’s get ready for some football…a real sport.
**For all fantasy football info, week 1 predictions, Office pool info or questions in general please email my boss at firstname.lastname@example.org**
"LSE Success Tips 9/8/04"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.
"What happened to the days of physical fitness when fat kids participated in gym? Now we just move towards the physical and way away from the fitness. A man with his zipper down will get more stares, than fat lady who needs more stairs to lose weight." --Honorable Lorenzo Hall, Delgate of the Water Cooler, DMV of Baltimore--
First impressions can be critical, whether it is a drunken Portuguese kiss by a black light, or talking politics with your girlfriends father while noticing his Interscope music selection. Here are a few morsels of information to enlasten your approach to a lasting impression.
Good posture is overrated. You don't want to scare off a short father with your height, unless you share a common ground of beer. If that is the case exhalt your height and your propensity of pilsner. However this may not be wise if the girl is younger than you, you might scare him so bad his pupils stay back.
Appearance is key but neatness, is not necessarily the answer. Underaged drinkers take heed. You need not go into the liquor store looking your best. Take a tip from me, dress socks, shorts, and a wife beater (especially if you have treated abdomen as a beer cooler for a few years) will guarantee purchase without an ID check. Look the part, whether you are birdwatching, or BIRD watching.
Positive non-verbal communication is so important, I can't stress this enough. A look of seriousness, with intent of pubic pressure will portray a more important message than, "hey baby your name must be Difficult, because you make things so hard."
Eye Contact is critical, if you are unsure look a person of interest in the eye while they are doing the following things. Ladies really eye that brother down when he is eating crabs at the cookout, he will understand that you respect his savagery and wouldn't mind some mustard on your honey. Fellas take notice of a woman of interest while she is eating her ice cream cone. Ladies get cones on purpose, and I'm gonna leave it at that.
Confident Handshakes are sometimes misleading. New-age women like to squeeze back hard, and fellas if you are a fan of the big girl, this could get "Over the Top" you don't want to feel like you're arm-wrestling a trucker for a free milkshake. Shaking hands can be like asking for money, if you do it right, you will get what you need, and maybe a little extra.
Creating a popular time, amongst the wolves. Two day seminars, every Friday around 7:50.