Thursday, September 30, 2004

"This Week in Bowlegged Magazine"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.


This week we would like to observe those who have left their mark in years past, and those who got some stuff going on this week.




The PORK CHOP National Committee held its annual meeting in Chinatown of New York this week. The group Praise Or Raise Kane Cussing Hipocrits Out over Porkrinds met to discuss the values of good dieting and the intentional absence of pork from our diets. Vice Treasurer Mahmoud "Tom-Tom" Saladin was in the middle of encouraging folks to stop the intake of pork when the caterer arrived. The affair was catered by Rodney the Ribbler whose specialty is pork. The meeting went into an uproar when they learned of Rodney's attempt to promote patriotism with his Al-Quaeda Potato-Salad. A major bunkhouse brawl brokeout, and the black folk actually were let off the hook on the spot.



Another annual event to promote urban peace will be taking place this Saturday. The Sigma-Crip vs. Bloods & Kappas Annual Baseball Game will be taking place in Carson City, Nevada. This game is a mainstay to promote peace within the fraternity and gang communities alike. Shown above is Crip Tajuan Bell talking a little trash to some of the guys on the Blood & Kappa team, during batting practice as the two were jamming to some Lil Scrappy.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

"Community News & Notes"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




In an article from the 21st Street Post where "if you got dat, we know that". This good natured story of three youngsters trying to improve themselves with the cards life dealth them. Anquan, Todd, and Cedric are competing to win first prize in the Benning Road Uno Classic. The three are enrolling in the junior division as well as the local division, in an effort to win money for college educations. The
tournament's grand prize is $100,000 and the right to play in the Flint Uno Tournament in Flint, Michigan. The winner will also be invited to Carson City, Nevada for some high stakes competition and the right to play in Vegas at the "Draw Four Galore", the nation's most lucrative uno competition. The threesome just got their outifts the other day from "All Daz", and the word on the street is that they will be the best dressed competitors in there. With Todd's excellent use of "Skips", and Cedric on the "Reverses", not to mention Anquan slamming "Draw Two's" with power and timing like Ernest Byner on the "counter-trey", they should have no problem advancing to the chamionship rounds. "Pile-on" won't be allowed this year in the opening rounds, so don't expect "Bugaboo" Bob from the F-Mob to be a factor.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

"Negresscent Business"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Harold Redman owns one of the most lucrative black barbershop related business in the barbershop-related industry. Harold Redman owns "Clean Sweep", an organization that pools black winos together in an effort to make barbershops much cleaner and less hairy. Harold just celebrated his break-even point after five years in the business. He organizes winos from Atlantic City down to Richmond. He finds winos
and gets them to committ themselves to better living and or better drinking. Some winos would rather build themselves up and start by sweeping hair and cleaning
toilets at barbershops. Others would rather distill their kidneys, and spend their money on cheap booze. Harold requires all employees pay him $3 per hour for
his services. He provides winos with a stress free environment and the opportunity to show up drunk on Friday's and sometimes after lunch. "I just figure I
could make a difference or at least a dollar, while these fools do what they love."



Mary "Paprika" Wilkes has just become the first hundred thousandaire in the history of Savannah feature dancing. Known for her tasteful use offeathers down at the Hot Spot, formerly Sweet and Low, and more recently Catty Lac's, Wilkes has been dancing
for over 28 years. She enjoys to brighten the days of battered, tired, and or lonely men. Known as "Paprika" for the pretty red garter belts she wears during her performances, and because of her prettyskin tone. "She looks like a carmel drop dipped in paprika, she's my favorite!", shouted patron Thomas Beaman. Once "Paprika" earned her hundred thousandeth dollar green lights came on, and she was serenaded by
her favorite singer from the blues nightclub across the street. Sweet Ronnie Falls sang "Money Makes the World Go Round" by Scarface, and "Paprika" liked to wilted like an overworked stallion. It is beautiful to see black business folk be recognized.



Nicholas "Knock-Knee" Thomas started Handcuffs for Humanities one year ago and the organization is celebrating it's one year anniversary this weekend. "Knock-Knee" started the group to promote better relations between inmates and officers in many of the nation's correctional facilities. "I feel that many of today's officers need to loosen the cuffs, and broaden the trust. Trust your brothers, I mean we all
are brothers.", said "Knock Knee" at yesterday's civil rights brunch. The group will recognize their anniversary this weekend when the women's section will intermingle with the men's for a bit of conjugal awareness.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Embarrassing Moments"



We all have them. It's no need in denying it. Why deny it? Somebody says something and you are just flat out embarrassed. Plain and simple. You do something and it goes wrong, you are embarrassed. Let's talk about typical embarrassing moments

* "Remember Me?" - This might be an embarrassing moment for both parties involved but, moreso for the person who swares up and down they knew you back in the day. You ever met somebody and they said "Yeah we went to High School together". The worst thing to say is "I DONT REMEMBER YOU". That's a crushing blow. Especially if it's a person of the same sex as you and they are with their significant other. Cause you know how we do, we pump ourselves up to our lady friends and women pump themselves up to their men about how "Like Dat" they were back in the school days. Then Jimmy walks up and you try to "dap em up" and he hesitates to extend his hand. He has that "WHO is this clown wit da tight button up on" look. After you jog his memory by telling him you were the guy who got a wedgie in 4th period, he remembers.

Sidebar....True Story: I had a "Remember Me" happen to me a few weeks ago. I went to a meeting. I sat RIGHT next to this young lady in the meeting. I had to "skoot" passed her to get to my seat. So you would guess we would remember each other 2 weeks later! WRONG. I saw her at another function and we ran into each other. We were introduced by a mutual friend and we held a convo. I was like "Yeah you remember that meeting we were at?". She stopped.......gave me the "Who is the dude" look and was like "Oh you were there!". Mind you, like 2 of my friends are right there. They bussed out laughing after I said in a low voice "I sat right next to you". The meeting was like 2 hours yall! 2 LONG HOURS. Back to the article........

* Cursing - Man, some of yall got foul mouths. Some of yall have NO control whatsoever over your foul mouth. And then you went in the grocery store. And for some reason there are no more peaches in Aisle 3. You get to cursing up a storm. And who else but Sister Tuckerman from the church comes waltzing down the aisle to get peaches. Every other word is a mutha this and a mutha that. Needless to say, next Sunday you'll be down at the altar and you'll make sure Sister Tuckerman sees you walk down.

* Bank Accounts Pt. 1- Oh this one is serious. You been in J.C. Penney's shopping for hours. You done picked up shirts, put down shirts, tried on suits and ALL. You waited in the long line and get to the front. Pull out that card and..........all of a sudden that machine aint sounding like a receipt is gonna come out. The lady tells you that your card has been rejected. You forgot that your credit is bad and the electric bill is drawn outta your account automatically and today IS the 18th! You know they take it out on the 18th of every month! Now your balance aint $245 like you thought it was.

* Bank Accounts Pt. 2 - How about for you college students? The time is 12:00 Noon on a Friday. The weekend is nearing. You just left class and you headed STRAIGHT for the ATM. Granddaddy said he was putting that $100 in your account so you could have some "pocket change" for the weekend. The line at the ATM is long. I mean LONG! You got 15 people behind you. You go into your account. (Now you know you gotta check the balance FIRST before you withdraw). You check the balance, and it says -$4.35. And all of the curse words in the world come to your mind about granddaddy! And all of a sudden you are REALLY hungry! Why is it that we get hungry when our account is low. When it's at $100 or $300, we aint but when its -$4.35 we liken ourselves to somalians! And don't forget, ALL 15 of the people behind you see the rejection written all over your face. Oh but it's no need for them to laugh too hard. I guarantee that half of them have granddaddy's slacking on putting that money in on time. Or what about when you only have $8 in your account and the ATM requires that you take out in increments of $10. You ever walked in a bank and did a withdrawal for $5.25. OH IT'S EMBARRASSING.

* Laughter gone wrong - I like to laugh, I like to laugh hard. But you gotta always watch what you are doing before and while you are laughing. Eating, drinking, or a bad case of gas can lead to disaster situations. The hardest thing to do is have a convo with someone and they laughed and slob all over themselves. You have to look beyond that. If it's someone of the opposite sex, you have to maintain your attraction for them despite the fact that their face looks like they have reentered their infant stages. Or you have some people who just had to sip that grape juice before you said a funny joke. Now they looking like they've just had communion all over their shirt. The worst is farting while you laugh. For every comedian, this is the goal. Farting or causing someone to spit water/soda/juice from their nose. That's the ultimate. If you can't control your gas while someone is telling jokes, that is the sign of a good comedian. But it's not a good sign for the "farter". Ive had it happen to me. It's the weirdest feeling. Cause when you laugh so hard you grab your chest. Then you fart, now you put your hands behind you. So it's happening so fast that you look like you're doing the Pee-Wee Herman. Then you try to reenact the noise with your foot to make it seem like it wasnt your butthole that caused the problem. And you have it all taken care of...........well that's until the smell comes along. That smell didnt come from your feet. Try the eggs and waffles you had earlier. Then you try to walk away. But we all know it was you. But when you walk away it follows you. And you were laughing the hardest, you made the noise and now it's a foul smell so we know you're the one! We're just waiting for you to ask where the bathroom is so you can check your drawls.


"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, September 24, 2004

Automotive News
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Leroy Coles was the winner of this year's Celebrity Datsun Car Show. He won a detailing kit and a nused Datsun from Ophelia' Nused Cars this past Friday. Datsun dealers across Michigan, and North Carolina brought their finest and most shiny Datsuns in an effort to claim the title of Mr. or Mrs. Datsun. Young Leroy has been driving his momma's '82 Datsun since he was eleven years old. He reupholstered the
seats with his grandmother's old pocketbooks ranging from Dolce to Enzo. He replaced the seatbelts which were made of velcro to ones made of refurbished suspenders, provided by his formerly fat twin cousins. Leroy also won 500 dollars in prize money, which he plans to spend on fudge cookies, and some mink & poodle floormats.



Former alley-mechanic Darnell Ford was caught by the Black Alley Mechanic Caucus for switching Impala parts with Caprice, Bonneville, and Parisienne parts. His
work under the hood, has always been a bit questionable. His "supercharged oil-checks" always made the seniors wonder just what was he doing. "That boy turned my poor Escort into a killer," said Millie Holly after Darnell had given her a "super-charged oil-check". Darnell was laundering high-end car parts into cars throughout his Northwest neighborhood.

"He liked to turn Madison Street into the Autobon", says Scottie Hayward, a resident of 7th and Madison St. Darnell had put many Porche parts into smaller cars throughout the neighborhood. This harbored spitefulness came about after Darnell was fired from the Porche dealership for his untidy station. He often left oil marks on rich yuppy paint jobs. Darnell was quoted at his Black Alley Mechanic Caucus
hearing as saying "if it wasn't a problem with the work, have some other nigga wipe that oil off, they wiped oil off of White Fred's cars all the time. They closed the door and wouldn't even speak to me. Now they wonder why all they carry is Mazda gas caps."

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

"Inactive List"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.


Ever since we were little people, when you act up, you received some sort of punishment of disciplenary action, and wound up on the inactive list. Whether you received a knuckle-pluck, a smack in the mouth, punch in the chest, or welps to the leg back arms and or butt you best believe you were getting something. You then wound up on the inactive list, and were unable to go play, use the phone, or even sit on the porch. As adults we often focus on our favorite athletic teams and who is injured or who is receiving disciplenary action, and winds up inactive that game. Well lets take a look at real people who have been bad this week.



Coloring Book King, George Showman, has been placed on the inactive list by his publishing house, Coloring on Cots, for some books he made that weren't so childish. Georgie famous for his coloring books "Reason's for Seasons" and "Let's Go to the Dry Cleaners", also made some not so childish books on the side. "April, May, June, Summer, Autumn" is not a coloring book about months and seasons, but was quite popular among lonely white males ages 32-63. Showman aka "Sheediman" was also attempting to distribute books on US government secrets. He is shown above, at his second home, in a room in the back of the IHOP on New Hampshire Ave.



Lenny Guits, short for Guitar, was placed on musical probation this week after failing to remember the words to his songs during live performances. Most of Lenny's songs were made up on the spot but, nowadays he is doing quite a bit of mumbling, and asking for crowd participation on those songs where he usually makes up the words. Lenny has also resorted to quite a bit cussing, but appears to be deriving a form of gangsta-folk music. Word on the street is Crimemob is interested in using him on their remix of Knuck if You Buck.



Charles Bowling, Jr. has been ruled inactive by his grandmother and the Usher Board of Lower Northeast which requires any junior usher to have a haircut come Sunday. His grandmother and great-grandmother have been riding Charles for weeks about that hair. He will be held from actual ushering, but will attend meetings until Thursday's scheduled haircut.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

"Sporting News"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.



Dr. Alvin Pugh was recently named to the Northeast Tennis Hall of Fame. He is the group's 5th inductee. Pugh was a tennis star at Eastern Senior High School from 1960-1963. He gained citywide acclaim for his portly frame. At 5'7" and 220 pounds he ran and cut on the tennis court, like a big woman chasing flies with a baby-skillet. Pugh honed his skills playing across Independence Ave, late on Saturday nights with his brother Albert. They would play while cars were coming to enhance their focus on the ball, and to increase their agility by dodging cars, and rocks from the 17th Street Gang led by Zeke Phelps. Pugh was a sight to see, that young boy moving and diving all over that court. Although he never quite made it to Wimbeldon, he did play at the Carter Barron every year from 1960 until this past summer. Still deceptively quick in his husky old age, he vows to never stop playing tennis. "I love the game, and everything about it, we need more parents like Richard Williams to expose kids to tennis. Now let me get down from here with my big self and play some tennis."




Leslie "Temper" Watkins recently won his 200th game as head coach of King High School in Detroit. The high school powerhouse has produced numerous black college standouts, and has won many championships over the years with it's relentless pursuit of throwback standouts. "Temper" Watkins is known throughout many cities nationwide for his volatile approach to coaching. He has thrown Gatorade on whooped lineman, tackled distraught quarterbacks searching for an excuse as they came off the field, and has proven himself to be the better man in many full-contact drills. It is nothing for "Temper" to put on the pads and knock some sense into a soft fullback. Never pleased with his teams play, "Temper" paced the sidelines last Tuesday in the teams away game in Decatur, Georgia. His team was winning 55-0 when Darius McCall missed 2 blocks on one play which resulted in a touchdown for his own team. "Temper" had backup quarterback Akil Lewis fire a pass at McCall as he was headed for some Gatorade. As McCall caught the pass he was greeted by a 165 lightning bolt named "Temper" Watkins. When asked later about the fart-drawing hit on McCall, Watkins only said "I'm not going to let imperfection get my pressure up. A pyramid is only made of the strongest stones in Egypt. Do you think I'm going to let the youngest black boys in Detroit keep me from the top. My aunt once told me, Organized heethantry makes perfection. I'll take that to the top."

Monday, September 20, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Showing Off"


When I was a child I used to HATE this term. Old folks always felt you were "SHOWING OFF!". It used to get under my SKIN. But I've come to realize that "Showing off" can get you killed. I mean literally! You remember your grandmother used to say "Keep on Showing out now!". YES, "SHOWING OUT!", that was used when you were really out of control. Only experienced grandmothers could use that term. But anyways, today I will attempt to expose ways in which "Showing off" can get you killed.


* First Day of School - It's no coincidence that the most fights occur on the first day and into the first week of school. It's the clothes. Everybody gotta be fresh on that first day. You stay up half the night pacing in the house cause you just KNOW you gonna kill em tomorrow. Look at you "Showing off" ALREADY. You aint even left the house. Some of yall wore your school shoes the last week in August and they're dirty before school starts. But anyway, you get to school.......you kinda fresh. Your walk changes. Your talk changes. All of a sudden something happens. Someone tries to get your attention and grabs your shirt too hard. Someone bumps you. Someone steps on your new shoes. In November you would let it go but, since you aint getting another pair until tax season when Big Mamma get that check, you go WILD. Next thing you know, before you even gotta schedule, You knocked out on somebody's cafeteria floor. "SHOWING OFF"!

* Church - School is where the young people "Show off". Church is where the old folks "Show OUT". They always say that our generation is bad but they show their tails too. Aunt Wilma went out and bought them too small shoes and had the nerve to let the Holy Ghost take over in the service. Her feet looked like grey play-do when she took her shoes off. I never seen toe nails wit tinted windows. Her nails are so black. But, she seen them shoes in that store. Didn't have her size but..........she had to have em. Years later, she done caught the GOUT and they gotta remove her foot. There it is.........."SHOWING OFF!".

* High Heels - Women, yall wanna be SO cute. You go out and but the highest heels you can find. Now its fall so yall wanna pull out the PONCHO's and wrap em around your shoulders and go buy the finest handbags and hit up ALL the hottest college homecomings. You walking so fast tryna get a ticket to the game and you messed around and walked overtop of one of them steamholes and got your foot stuck in there. Your heel done broke and now you look like that retarded lady at the bus stop with the short leg. You walking like you doing the "WOP". You look like a background dancer for Kool Moe Dee. So........lemme ask you, HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW? But anyway, it's a football game, high heels aint for this environment. The afterparty is tonight NOT at the game! Dress down a lil bit. JUST a tad!

* Sports - Parents, especially single parent mothers, DONT let your kid play football or basketball just to take up time or to give them "something to do". If your kid is NOT athletic he will get KILLED. He standing out there on the 50 yard line looking over at you tryna "show-off". "LOOK MAMMA, Im playing!!!!!!!!". 10 minutes later........."LOOK MAMMA I DONT HAVE NO TEEF!". Mess around tryna look cute and pull up his socks on the basketball court, and turn around and get dunked on! Take your time with these kids and make sure they are willing to learn the proper way to play the game.

* Motorcycles - Lemme tell yall something..........just because you have a driver's license to operate automobiles does not mean you can drive a motorcycle. Yall out here "Showing off" for these women and getting killed. I had a very good friend died behind a motorcycle so I tell people, if you can't operate one, stay away from it. No but, yall wanna be all down Georgia Ave and Republic Gardens "showing off" for them "fast" girls. You wanna have em on the back of your bike and you think you bad in that leather jacket. That's all they gonna find when the ambulance comes and picks you up.

The moral of the story is, when you think you SO bad, you might mess around and clip up and fall, get hurt or even killed. You dont have to think that you are "All That", just be it. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, September 17, 2004

East Capitol St Community News
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Chuck "Big Coach" Woods and the CDL Club of Ballou High School is encouraging all Ward 8 residents to come to the Commercial Driver's License Club's Open House, this Thursday. The open house will be held down Ballou from 5-9pm. "Big Coach" is the head coach of the varsity dodgeball team, and offensive coordinator for the football and shot-put teams. He is encouraging all women who are skilled van drivers, and or whose boyfriend lets them use the Suburban at their own discretion to come down and get certified for a CDL. He also invites anyone who works at bus depots, or who has stolen a bus tow truck or van to come down and get into the CDL program. Ballou's CDL program also partners with Metro, who is in need of U4 bus drivers, and those knowledgeable of shortcuts off of MLK, for Metro's future Alternative Routes Program, nicknamed Control Alt Delete.



The Daddy & Me program is going out into the community this weekend in an effort to promote family values. All little boys are encouraged to read to their daddys while daddy enjoys a strong drink or a nice Jamaican salad. That way you both are learning something, and daddy doesn't have to give up a perfectly good Wednesday night of nothing to help out his child. This weeks encouraged readings are "Poobie the Trendsetter", "Panda and Pete on the Potomac Riverboat", and "Seattle Slew: A Young Master of the Seattle Streets".

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Showing Welcome
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Kingman Brothers Dry Cleaning is celebrating 6 years of service, and we are welcoming them to the Better Black Bidness Bureau's Break-Even Club. The dry cleaning business can be a tight market to break into, and can be even tighter to remain in when you have a jheri curl. Natives of the Fort Totten neighborhood, the Kingman brothers specialize in the removal of jheri curl, s-curl, necksweat dirt stains from shirts, head rests, and furniture. The business really became a reality when Ricky (shown furthest right) got a curl. Denny (middle) said, "Momma was so sick of washing Rick's clothes, she made him go down Phelps and take a dry cleaning class, and it took off from there, my brother Ham built and dry cleaning machine and that is when we got serious about the money." The Kingman brothers would like to thank you Ricky and the many other dirty neck peoples as they are on their way to the Thousandaire Hall of Fame.



We would like to show some welcome to the newest member of the Young Adult Neighborhood Watch of Valley Terrace. Ms. Abel Tompkins welcomed Tomika Washington to the group last Tuesday, when she gave her all the gossip on her side of the street, and reported Johnny and Toosey shooting dice on Ms. Williams backporch. "It's such a joy to see a young woman who cares enough about her community to mind other peoples affairs". Tomika will wear orange all week to commerate her induction to the group. So those of you down at the DMV over Brentwood don't bother her too much, because she can get your social.



We would also like to recognize Clarence "Rummy" Romel for getting a legit liquor license. Clarence has been running the Rum Hotel for 35 years without a liquor license. e didn't feel the need to ever get one, because he wasn't selling liquor, he called it occasion or holiday in a bottle. Rummy sold pints out of jelly jars, liters out of gas cans, and fifths out of orange and/or grape juice bottles. He has also used the Rum Motel as a club, and recording studio for those who are so priviledged. Sir Francis Dooling has an album dropping next week, called "Alley Oops" chronicling his life in alleyways and some of the mistakes he has made in them.



"Sound Bites"
By Salvador Gabor




This here is "Pretty Boy" Roy and when I'm not on this accordian I got my fingers locked to a computer reading the "Salvador Gabor Project". Yall tune in now, ye hear. Every morning by 11:30! thats http://www.sallimo.blogspot.com. And we'll leave the screen door open!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

"The Bamma Within"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.


One of DC's favorite slang words is "Bamma." Bamma basically means
anything or anyone that is not cool. In NY, you might be called an "herb." In
LA, a "mark" or "buster." I think you get the point. The thing about bammas
is that they don't know they are bammas and they go through life oblivious
to their bammaness. They embrace their inner bamma and say and do things
that are not, or more importantly, should not be acceptable to the general
public.


If you and your boys ever had a go-go band and y'all was always going to "pracktiss" but NEVER performed anywhere, y'all were some bammas.

If you ever had a "rat-tail" growing out the back of your head, you were a bamma. And so was your mother or father for letting you do something like that.

If you used to brag that your cousin worked for Rayful, you were a bamma.

If you ever wore you clothes backwards a la, Kriss Kross, you were ammaB.

If you ever wore one black Reebok Classic and one white Reebok classic at the same time, you were a bamma.

If your uncle still wears your old pair of Used Jeans, he's probably a drunk bamma.

If you used to cut your jeans at the seams on the bottom of the leg so that they could fit over your shoes, you were a nut-hugging jeans wearing bamma.

If you ever wore one of those white silky Versace shirts with the gold and black trim designs, you were a trendy bamma.

If you call WPGC 95.5 and dedicate a slow jam to your boo, you are a whipped bamma.

If you walk around public banging on trashcans or anything else as if it is a drum set or a conga and your name is not "Go-Go Mickey", you are a bamma.

If you still wear matching outfits to Kings Dominion, you are a stuck in 1987 bamma.

If you go to the club every weekend and never meet any women, you are a no game having bamma.

If you wore them extra wide leg bell-bottomed jeans back in late '93, early '94, you were a bamma.

If you still wear a big French roll in your hair, ladies you are a wanna-be Baltimore bamma.

If you wear a suit that is red, royal blue, purple, green, yellow, or orange, you are a zoot suit bamma.

If you drive a car with racing stickers/car tattoos, you are a Fast and Furious bamma.

If you can be found at the 55 Club every payday, you are a lonely bamma.

If at any time you had a S-Curl, you were a greasy bamma.

I usually end my pieces with something witty or profound, but when it comes to being a bamma, there are only three words that I can think of:

"Don't be one."



Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Ervin Evers is another of our singles looking to get busy and in search of love. A lover of fried chicken, and pretty legs, Ervin is looking for a lady to do some cooking, cleaning, and taking care of his needings. Ervin specifically stated that no boogerbears need apply. He needs a woman that can fry up some chicken and some corned-beef hash, cabbage, and some rutibagea pie. Ervin Evers is also missing, the picture above was taken at his brother Tyroy's 15th wedding anniversary shower. He was last seen getting on the X2 bus headed toward Florida Ave. Mrs. Evers, Ervin's momma, isn't worried despite the fact he has been missing for three days. "The nigga is probably just sleep. His third grade teacher told me he slept from September to June his sophomore year of the third grade." His former girlfriend Linda is worried, because after Ervin put this personal ad in, he was supposed to go by her house after the wedding shower. If any former lovers or hopeful-future lovers of Ervin have seen him, touch him and wake him up, and let him know his search for love is over, and that Mrs. Evers wants a coat of wax put on her Lincoln before the weather changes. Please contact Ervin at www.ebonyeatandsleep.com/40andover

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Stephanie "Stuffy" Woodstock is a senior at Norfolk State University who is looking for love. A woman who appreciates the value of a tall 40 oz. and some ox tail on a Friday night,"Stuffy" doesn't mind going to 7-11 for snacks after an evening of chimney ash with her man. A great cook and the self-proclaimed inventor of duck-sauce chicken fingers,"Stuffy" is no stranger to hot sauce. This Home-economics major whose minor is Salsa dance and seasoning has been working very hard to create buffalo-popcorn, and versa-twinkee in which the outside is icing and the inside is that twinkee fluff. She has been working hard to complete her thesis and final project, the complete campus of Norfolk State made out of graham and animal crackers, and ginger-bread. A pretty good dancer who enjoys music by Gangsta Boo, Teena Marie, and anything by C-Bo, Stuffy is looking for love. If you or any young boy would like to get into some Stuff give us a shout at 301-455-3534.




Sammy White is a hoeless romantic in need of some loving. A professional star-gazer and graffiti investigator for the 5th District Police Department, Sammy is looking for someone to share his unique passions. He is an expert in the work of "Cool Disco Dan" and the works of "NTN", and is often called upon to investigate the city's arsonist graffiti. He is known for solving the Giraffe Murders back in 1988, one of the cities most baffling mysteries. Serial killer Clyde "Half-and-Half" Nelson was killing strippers, and spray painting giraffes on their dead naked bodies. White's keen eye and knowledge of left-handed spray-paintery lead him to his old finger painting buddy Clyde. When asked how did he solve the mystery, Sammy responded, "it was the semi-squit technique used by Nelson that made me know it was him, well that and crazy Nelson was called Giraffe-boy when we were young boys at the Antelope Academy, and he spray painted his naked-butt with black magic marker spots." With such a keen eye for freaks in crime, it is a shame that he can find such lovable freaks when he is done with his 9 to 5. This man is on the market, and is hoping to find a woman who enjoys naps under cheetah-colored quilts and watching tv on red leather futons. If this interests you, or you want to know how to become a graffiti investigator please check www.ebonylonesomes.com/mildlyafrican or call 301-455-3534 in order to hook up with this bound stud.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Sal's Corner
"As a Man"


I recently turned 25 years old. Whether I like it, you like or they like it.........Im a man! Period! It's not alot to it. Now as a man, I must do certain things. The obvious being owning my own living situation, i.e. an apartment or house, not relying on parents, and/or owning up to responsibilities. But, that's not what we are here today to discuss. We must go a little bit deeper into what you can and can NOT do as a man.

* Limit your public dancing - Unless you of Caribbean or African decent, there is no need for you to be winding your body up in public. Do it as a joke for your friends at home. But doing some A-Town dance, beating your feet, harlem-shaking, tootsie-rolling, butterflying or any other "cute" dances are prohibited. Notice I gave lee-way to Africans and Caribbeans. See, in their cultures, homosexuality is not as heavy as it is in the U.S. African dudes wear shorts above the knees and sandles, wind up their bodies and are considered masculine anyway. That's just them. But, if your last name aint Njoko, I don't wanna see you winding AND you better not have on no short shorts and sandles either.

* Exposure of Feet - Limit that. First off, dont come to MY house and take off your socks and shoes. I dont care if you ARE spending the night. Keep your socks on. Male feet are not permitted to be seen in the presence of another man. If I walk in and you are clothed but, you just gotta put on socks and shoes, that's fine. Just make sure if I see your feet, you are working to get them covered. I dont need to be watching a movie and glance over and you are wiggling your pigglies.

* Voicemail - Do not "BLOW UP" the phone of another man. This should be understood but, I must revisit this for many who lack the proper and common knowledge of being a man. If you call me, I dont answer and it's important.......LEAVE A MESSAGE. I WILL call back. Some of you dudes are ridiculous. You'll call 8 times.........then leave a message..........then resume calling me again. In my mind i'm like, "I know his GIRL must be going through it". Fellas, compose yourself.

* Haircuts - As a man, you should have your haircut once a week. Facial hair, and shape-ups need to be tightened up every week. Everyone doesnt have the steady hand to do their own grooming. So go on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday and get tapered up. Spend $10-15 on yourself. Some dudes walk around with beards like they are on "Survivor". And if ya beard has patches in the middle, you definitely need to go to the shop ASAP.

* Wash ya own drawls - Fellas when that "brown" is in your drawls, at least do a "pre-wipe". If your lady washes them, take some effort and put a lil bleach in that seat area and wipe that down. Either that or try colored underwear.

* Never let another man talk to you with his hand on your shoulder - This is a major no-no. Many men will try to do this as a sign of seniority. They'll meet and greet you and pull that "shoulder move". You have two options, 1) Just be cold and dont allow it or 2) Counter with your own "shoulder move". Now either way is effective but I suggest and prefer #2. You dont have to counter immediately, maybe wait until you guys depart the event. THEN, you give HIM the "shoulder move". How about giving him a hard pat on the shoulder, and then a light grip. JUST to let him know "You can't SON me".

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"



Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Known as the "Eighties Baby", Felix "Precious" Wyms is another hoeless romantic looking for love. He is called the 80's Baby because his style, rap, and sense of being never quite left the 80's, actually it never really moved past February of '87. The former Ms. Black Peoples USA judge has been looking for love since 1985 when he was caught two-timing to of the pageant's contestants. Quite the lover, or so he smelled of it, Precious was simultaneously dating Darlene Hines and Phyllis Rodgers during the time of the '85 pageant. Dating between judges isn't encouraged, and it aint prohibited either but, to skillfully pull off the art of double-dating with one mate is impossible. With all the media attention from Jet, Ebony Delight, and Sapphire and other top magazines, combined with how photogenic Precious is, it is obvious to see how things went awry.

It was the Friday of the pageant, and on page 41 of the Jet Precious was seen with Rodgers, and on page 25 of Sapphire he was seen playing "footsies" with Hines. As other members of the pageantry thumbed thru the magazines, gossip spread, and before you know it hate-eyedness began. Nothing really happened backstage, but Darlene did trip Phyllis as they were going up the stairs. The two kept their cool until Phyllis was named the winner of the pageant. It was then that Darlene grabbed her by that tiara and cold-cocked her in the eye. A catfight insued, a melee, a brawl-for-it-all, started on stage. The pageant was shown on the Black Public Broadcasting Service at 10pm, and was reshown at 11, 12, 3am and 10s of times throughout the week. Precious sat and watched while eating a syrup sammich.

Word got out that Felix Wyms was a no-good two-timing dog, and his rep has been soiled. However, that hasn't changed Felix and he still believes he is as "Precious" as ever. This Sagitarius enjoys a sophisticated lady of inner-ghetto distinction, a lady who chews with her mouth slightly open, and sits with her legs the same way. A freak by nature, and by cologne "Stag" is the scent that draws his ladies near. He enjoys moonlit ear-licking, footsies in a crowded room, and Joy and or Dawn bubblebaths (or bubblebaths with Dawn Wake and Joy Perkins). A man of Cadillac mystique and a Buick's engine, Precious is waiting for your call. To contact him please call 301-455-3534, or at www.ebonyplayers.com/wherearetheynow/felix for more information.

"I'm indispensible, you can't do without me, your first step is to recognize this." --"Precious"--



Friday, September 10, 2004

"Community News & Notes"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




This news comes to us from the 640 Gazette, "Bimbo", Aunt Tommy's dog and formerly owned by Mr. Phyllis of Stanton Terrace but is now Aunt Tommy's pet after the couple's messy breakup, has been terrorizing hustlers around the 40 for past weeks. It is believed "Bimbo" has been raiding stashes in the alleyways and has picked up a habit along the way. Parker, an alleyman extraordinaire, believes "Bimbo" has acquired a herion habit. If you see "Bimbo" please call the authorities, because Aunt Tommy is still working through his messy breakup and refuses to believe "Bimbo" could do any wrong.



"In the News"
By Salvador Gabor


Just wanted to tighten up a a few loose ends on the newsfront before the weekend begins. Here are a few juicy stories that may leave your wanting for more as the weeks come.

* First, UPN has announced that it will begin shooting a reality show called "Jeopardy". No, this will not rival Alex Trabek's version of the show, which is filmed on ABC. UPN's "Jeopardy" will be shot in the LeFrak Housing Projects, which are located in Queens, NY. You're probably wondering why its called "Jeopardy". This is not a GAME........(Literally). At least that's what the citizens of the LeFrak neighborhood stated at the press conference held on Tuesday. The show will be a reality show that is based on members of the show moving to LeFrak for 4 months. There is no storyline except for the fact that it's shot in Queens. Sheldon "Too-Low" Gibbs, Producer of the show had a few words to say about the show. "Yeah it's called Jeopardy simply because it's shot in LeFrak....WE JUST HOPE WE dont get SHOT........IN LEFRAK".

* "Oooma Loooma Blooomas", an underwear line that is sold in local grocery stores has just introduced it's new line of panties. The "Brown Label" is a basic white panty, drawl and/or bloomer that has a patch in the "seat area". It's similar to the patch on the elbow of sport coats. The patch is designed to maintain the seat area through the wear and tear of underwear. Stains, washings and released gas can have an effect on the "seat area" of the the underwear. This line will be in all Kroger's, Harris Teeter's, Piggly Wiggly's, Giant's and Safeway's across the Mid-Atlantic Area. They will be positioned near the pro-keds. The Three Packs will also have a plastic string attached to them similar to the pro-keds. "Oooma Loooma Blooomas" wanted to help the environment and save on their use of plastic covering.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

"Are you ready?"
By Lonnie "Ice" Kolberg



“ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?”…It is finally upon us. We've waited almost 8 months for this time. After watching the no-name Pistons win the NBA title and not watching baseball at all…here comes the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. This is the time where everybody thinks their team is going to the Super Bowl! Every year we enter the season with expectations as fans only to be disappointed. Your team might have hired a new coach, drafted an impact player, or signed one via free agency. This gives the team and fans hope, life, and a reason to speak. If your team didn’t do this then you can’t even talk football with the fellas. For example, I can talk because my team has accomplished all three of those in Joe Gibbs, Sean Taylor, and Clinton Portis. What?...Joe Gibbs is back. Yes, he is and he brought his whole AARP staff with him. This is why Washington, DC is alive right now. This is why all of the barbershops have the bud light schedule hanging on the wall. This is why I have seen at least 3 “Posse” t-shirts. Also around the league, “Primetime” is back. Deion Sanders has lost a few steps and just needs the money because he didn’t want to go out in the woods and shoot a deer on his TV show. Now you might finally know somebody else on the Ravens besides the Lewises. If you have ever played for Philly and are out of work, have no fear because the desperate eagles are here. They brought back Jeremiah Trotter and Hugh Douglas both of whom won’t play all 16 games and are on the decline in their careers. They did add two pro bowlers in Jevon Kearse and Terrell Owens who should help get them back to the playoffs. Even after letting their best running back, Duce Staley, go to Pittsburgh who wants to get back to the running game. Shouldn’t you have done that last year? New England wants to have a running threat as well. This is evident in their signing of Corey Dillon. Didn’t they just win a Super Bowl and now they are on track again. What happened to parity? Parity sent the Jets to the Redskins last year and now it has sent the Jets to the Cowboys who added Vinny Testerverde and Keyshawn Johnson this offseason. There are a few rookie head coaches out there but I will hold onto my opinion for a minute while they get their first season underway. All of this news has given several teams, fans, and cities something to be hopeful for and something they can talk about. But if you root for the Cardinals, Browns, Lions, Chargers, Giants, Texans, 49ers, Bengals, Bears, and Dolphins, you might want to start watching College Football to see who is coming out for this year’s draft because you have no chance this year. No matter what your team did in the offseason, it wasn’t enough. For everybody else there is reason to be optimistic until around week 10 where we find out who are the contenders and the pretenders. Here is my early list of contenders: Indianapolis, New England, Baltimore, Kansas City, Tennessee, St. Louis, Carolina, Green Bay, Philadelphia, and Minnesota. After that everybody else falls into the “tweener” category because I don’t know which way they will go yet. **Disclaimer** For the record, this list and everything I say is subject to change according to what happens throughout the season.


This year a few teams might be added to the contender list. This is due to the enforcement of the 5-yard illegal contact rule. You mean I can’t grab, push or jam me a skinny receiver after 5 yards. What is this flag football?...No, it is the rules. This means we get an opportunity to see 40 year old quarterbacks (i.e. Vinny Testerverde) throw for 300 yards. I personally like this rule, but it was the same rule that they didn’t call last year in the playoffs that almost cost me my rent. Let’s see this year if they call it because that will determine if I am renting or buying after the season. Heck, after the season, I might just pull a “Ricky” and leave everything in the US but I think I will choose Amsterdam instead of Asia. But, enough already,let’s get this season started. Get all of your fantasy teams together. Start saving up for them office pools. Make sure you pick the right blocks. Find your reasons now why your team won’t win…and let’s get ready for some football…a real sport.

**For all fantasy football info, week 1 predictions, Office pool info or questions in general please email my boss at sallimo@hotmail.com**




"LSE Success Tips 9/8/04"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.



"What happened to the days of physical fitness when fat kids participated in gym? Now we just move towards the physical and way away from the fitness. A man with his zipper down will get more stares, than fat lady who needs more stairs to lose weight." --Honorable Lorenzo Hall, Delgate of the Water Cooler, DMV of Baltimore--

First impressions can be critical, whether it is a drunken Portuguese kiss by a black light, or talking politics with your girlfriends father while noticing his Interscope music selection. Here are a few morsels of information to enlasten your approach to a lasting impression.

Good posture is overrated. You don't want to scare off a short father with your height, unless you share a common ground of beer. If that is the case exhalt your height and your propensity of pilsner. However this may not be wise if the girl is younger than you, you might scare him so bad his pupils stay back.

Appearance is key but neatness, is not necessarily the answer. Underaged drinkers take heed. You need not go into the liquor store looking your best. Take a tip from me, dress socks, shorts, and a wife beater (especially if you have treated abdomen as a beer cooler for a few years) will guarantee purchase without an ID check. Look the part, whether you are birdwatching, or BIRD watching.

Positive non-verbal communication is so important, I can't stress this enough. A look of seriousness, with intent of pubic pressure will portray a more important message than, "hey baby your name must be Difficult, because you make things so hard."

Eye Contact is critical, if you are unsure look a person of interest in the eye while they are doing the following things. Ladies really eye that brother down when he is eating crabs at the cookout, he will understand that you respect his savagery and wouldn't mind some mustard on your honey. Fellas take notice of a woman of interest while she is eating her ice cream cone. Ladies get cones on purpose, and I'm gonna leave it at that.

Confident Handshakes are sometimes misleading. New-age women like to squeeze back hard, and fellas if you are a fan of the big girl, this could get "Over the Top" you don't want to feel like you're arm-wrestling a trucker for a free milkshake. Shaking hands can be like asking for money, if you do it right, you will get what you need, and maybe a little extra.

Creating a popular time, amongst the wolves. Two day seminars, every Friday around 7:50.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

"Leaving the Neighborhood"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.




It is with great sadness that I inform you that Bessie McBride lovingly known throughout the Benning Heights neighborhood as Miss Bessie will no longer be sitting in her apartment window watching all the goings on all day. Don't worry, she did not pass away. Her number finally hit and in her words, "I'm finally getting away from you niggers."

Ms. Bessie was a lifetime resident of the Benning Heights area where she acted as a grandmother for many neighborhood children. Ms. Bessie only left her apartment about twice a day. Around 1:30 she would walk to the corner store to get her daily duece-duece of Private Stock and to play the DC Mid-Day Pick 4 before the 1:55 cut-off. She would usually make another trip back to the store around 6:30 to play her number again and get a pack of Pall Mall cigarettes so that she could make it back home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Ms. Bessie raised three children practically alone. Her husband, Randall Wayne McBride didn't leave her though. As she puts it, "He was in the service and he never came back from Korea." She had two boys, Randall Jr. and Dante LeVay. Her only daughter was named Randetta Marie. Randall Jr. (RJ) is a night shift supervisor for the new Dunkin Donuts/Citgo Gas station on the corner of Benning Road and 44th St. and still lives in the little bedroom of his mother's apartment. Dante is serving 6-10 years in the penitentiary for his involvement in an illegal gorilla & catfish smuggling ring. Randetta has an apartment two floors up from her mother and she works at RFK Stadium during soccer season selling hot dogs and quesadillas to drunken Mexicans and El Salvadorans. Although she has been a widow for many years, Ms. Bessie is not a lonely woman. You can often see her creeping out of Deacon Clarence Brisker's apartment 1C on many a night.

Ms. Bessie is well respected in her neighborhood as the local thugs and mini-thugs know better than to curse in her presence. This didn't start out of respect though. One Saturday afternoon after a trip to the laundry mat and Zayre's, a neighborhood boy named Tre knowingly dropped the F-bomb right in front of Ms. Bessie. All of Tre's friends suddenly got real quiet and slowly stepped back. Before he knew it, Tre had been hit upside the head with a bottle of Clorox. "Don't you sass me boy, I can't wait to get away from you niggers." said Ms. Bessie and she continued to push her fold-up metal laundry basket up Benning Road. Although he was very dark-skinned, Tre's new nickname soon became "White Boy."

Ms. Bessie will surely be missed in the Benning Heights neighborhood. The neighborhood residents threw her a going away party and raised a banner that said, "Ms. Bessie: An OG (Original Grandma), We'll Miss You!" Ms. Bessie left them with the words, "I am so happy to finally get away from you niggers. Somebody give me a light."


"A New G.I.G."
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Many of us look for new gigs, and are in need of them, whether you need a change of scenery a new opportunity or a fresh start. Sometimes you just need to sit down before you get slapped in the mouth. Raycene Green is our newest inductee into the "Grandma Is Gangsta Foundation". She has been gangsta all her life, and is just now receiving the proper notariety for her years of gangstressness. Raycene, shown above is at her community service program at SHAME ON YOU of Greater St. Louis. Raycene has been in and out of SHAME ON YOU, "Saving Hard And Manish Evil Ornery Niggas Youth and Old folks of Urban areas", since she was a child.

She still carries beer in her purse, because "you never know when you need a pony or a broken bottle", and sometimes a spare piece of curb for security, Raycene does not play. Whether she is watching your kids or her own, you better not be manish or act grown, nothing you can say will justify getting hit in the head with rocks the size of hot fries.

Raycene has been known to punch any and all of her 5 children, and 13 grandchildren in the mouth eye and especially chest. "Granddaughters going through puberty who think they are so fresh need a lil Vicks on their chest", referring to her left-hand which is tatooed "Vicks" after her youngest sister Vickie aka Vicks who died when they were little girls. An advocate of tough love, she made sure all her kids got chicken pox at the same time, and pink eye at anytime, anytime they rolled their eyes at her she plucked whichever eye rolled first. Raycene keeps her brim low, and eyes up, a known crap-shooter but she don't take no crap, will put the big hand on you, but she gives no dap unless she is watching Falcons game then you might get a hand-slap.

SHAME ON YOU of Greater St. Louis is proud to recognize Raycene Green. A woman with a pistol in her purse with a giraffe-plated handle. A "GIG" through and through we commend this gangstress for all she has done seen and unseen, but always felt. SHAME ON YOU has been beating butts for years, and going to keep on doing it long as you keep on keeping on. Please check http://www.shameonyou.org/awards for future and past good job gangstas.

Friday, September 03, 2004

"Kickball Draft Party"
By Salvador Gabor






COME ONE..........COME ALL.........Celebrate with us!!!!!!!! the 2004 U.S.K.A. Draft will be taking place in Richmond, Virginia at the Richmond Civic Center. We especially want to come out and support U.S.K.A. hopeful Ricky "Boo-Boo" McAdoo, a Richmond native as he awaits his draft position to be unveiled this weekend.

There will be plenty of entertainment at the Draft Party. "Mr. Reggie and the Sweet Hermans" will be performing their smash hit "Shelly, girl if ya only knew bout me!". Also they plan to unveil the remix to "Your Dog, My Dog, They Dog" featuring MC Brains. Also Renaldo Dollar, brother of Reverend Creflo Dollar will be in attendance. Contrary to popular belief, he is not a preacher like his brother, although he says "chuuch" on several occasions throughout a day.

Invited guests are Lumis Quarterly of the 1-5 Millionaires, Clyde Rigsby of Parkland Gardens, Ricardo "Shake-em Up" Baker and many other stars and celebrities. The national anthem at the draft will be sang by Lavell Lattimore, brother or Kenny and Denise Lattimore.

Remember, this is all in our love for "Boo-Boo". He and his brother "Punchy" (pictured above in the red suit) have worked hard to get to this point. We just wanna say Congratulations on all of the hard work and kickballs that bussed project windows throughout Richmond.


"Travel Opportunity"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Ethel Womack and her great-niece Cynthia, shown above, would like to invite you to good old-fashion bus trip. This trip will put the finishing touches on a marvelous summer, and get us prepared for the up coming fall shopping trips. This southern bus trip will be going on down to St. Louis, Memphis, Nana Falls Louisana, and New Orleans. Since Beulahtese loves Marshall Faulk, you will get to ride past the St. Louis Rams practice facility, and make you way south to Memphis, where you will enjoy some good rib tips and BBQ at Kebem's Grill. This any many other establishments listed in the BunkWorld's Guide to BBQ will be sampled and tasted by you and other busmates. A pajama party will be held Friday night on the way to Memphis, and you are encouraged to bring your best pj's while we watch House Party 2 on the DVD. Eleanor Helmsley will cater the first day's trip with her delicious fried chicken and baked pork'n beans. Upon leaving Memphis we will take to Nana Falls, Louisana where we will shop til we drop. Nana Falls has over 300 stores from Martha Sterwart's Home Outlet, to Mr. T's Jewelouts, from Coach to Cottonelle, Bath & Body Works to YoYo's Playthings. Be sure to bring your spending moneys because we are sure to be there all day. We will do some gambling in New Orleans, not to mention we will go to a crawfish farm so Brother Earl can pick his own for his gumbo he and our bus driver Renalt are planning on cooking up for our return trip. A deposit of $250 must be made by tommorrow, and all tips for Renalt our bus driver, must be submitted come Thursday. Cynthia says you will sure enjoy yourself, and to call her auntie to submit your moneys, 301-455-3534. What a time we will have on this weekend. www.ebonybustrips.com/tripsunder300withabuffet has more info on this and some of our other luxury bus trips.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Interview with Leroy Fletcher
By Salvador Gabor





Leroy Fletcher is a man to behold. Flamboyant. Slick. Fancy. Smooth. All of these things can be said about Leroy. And that's just to describe his meticulously kept Jheri Curl. This is a man of honor. A man of dignity. I had a chance to talk to Leroy about life, love and many other topics!


Salvador Gabor: Man, it's good to see you! What's up

Leroy Fletcher: (Takes toothpic out of his mouth) Yeah man good to hear from ya, just diggin this cool breeze man, ya understand ME?

Salvador Gabor: I can't argue with that Leroy. So it's coming towards the end of the summer. Any special plans

LF: Gotta do a lil shopping. (Sucks his teeth with his tongue). Put away the short sets. Got my eye on a few sweaters with the leather patches.

SG: Coogi's?

LF: Aww naw, that's for them young boys there! Harold Pener is bout de' only place that gets my money. YES SUH! Got me some slick lil gators to go with this here brown suit I got last week

SG: Now tell the people what you've been doing as a career?

LF: For the past 30 years, I've been driving cabs. I likes to ride. I like to ride and get paid for it. Ya understand me. I likes to ride, get paid AND get gas money! HUH!!!!! You dont hear me though

SG: I hear you. So it's fun to do?

LF: Look hear, its like this. When I come home, I aint got nothing to worry about! Ya see, I dont have no projects due at the end of the week. I aint in no board room stressed half to death. My job is to drive. All I gotta do is know how to get to places. If I forget, the rider will know. Just tell me where to turn and I'll keep my feets on the gas. Yes suh I sho' will!

SG: What cab company do you work for?

LF: I was working for United Cabbing & Bussing of America but, they aint have a dental plan that would cover my dental so I drive for Rocco's Cabbie Union.

SG: Benefits are definitely key

LF: Man who you tellin! Like to have slap them when I went to my dentist and he said my plan only cover ONE TOOTH! Shoooooot, who I look like to them. Im Leroy Fletcher!

SG: Yeah Dental Plans are tough. So are 401 K's

LF: Now thats a nice building!

SG: HUH? What's that Leroy?

LF: 401 K.....the building downtown. It's nice! I have customers that I drop off down there!

SG: 401 K is an investment plan for workers across the country

LF: Oh so that's what they do in there (sucking teeth with tongue). ALOOOT of white people going in that building! You know them white folkses, they got money

SG: ummmm Ok, so how's the wife?

LF: We on the up and up. Getting set for a cruise to Atlantic City

SG: Why a cruise to Atlantic City?

LF: Too much traffic on 95. Rather go on and take a boat.

SG: I guess you drive enough during the day.

LF: I cover my ground

SG: What's the wildest thing you've seen in your cabs?

LF: See first off, aint nothing wild going on in Leroy Fletcher's cabs. I done seen a few couples kiss but, when I see em going for that neck and below I pulls the car all the way over. Ole Leroy aint gonna be no Mobile Hotel now! That'll be $59.95! Plus them cloth seats aint easy to clean now!

SG: How you would you describe your cab career?

LF: Im always DRIVING up the success ladder!



"San Diego's Most Wanted"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Demond "Fendi" Hill is a man of many talents, and even more women. Known as the original Tubbs, on "Miami Vice", "Fendi" was often called the Prince of San Diego because of all the honeys he acquired in this city. He enjoys lightskin to Oriental women, with a little Puerto Rican on the side. This man with women a plenty, has disappeared suddenly, and two of his five wives are also missing. The police suspect menagery as the case. His other 3 wives placed the ad, in an effort to receive some loving and or rent-money by the first.

It is believed that "Fendi" is somewhere between San Diego and the Phillipines, but his brother Polly thinks he is in Maui, notice the picture above. Either way Fendi has put some of us his side women up for rent. "That is just too much weight for my speedboat", he stated when asked who would rent out such pretty girls. Police are following a trail of mangos left by "Fendi" on the night of his disappearance. That is his trademark for luring exotic women into is lure of lust. If you have seen this man please contact the police or use this website to rest his womens www.ebonywomanizers.com/missingniggasofthe80s



Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"I'm Hongry"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.



I've come to notice that women like to eat out rather frequently. If given the option of staying home and eating or patronizing an eating establishment, most women would prefer the latter. That being said, I'm going to give my take on either how your man feels about you or the dynamics of your relationship based on the places that he takes you to eat.


McDonald's: You probably have a phat butt. Your face is aight. Since you already have a phat butt, he figures you eat McDonald's on the regular so this is a safe (and cheap) option.

Checker's: Quick meal after a night out at The Met or The Tunnel. Y'all just met, been grinding and sweating against each other and need a Champ Burger to soak up them all them rum & cokes.

Wendy's: You called your boyfriend and told him you wanted him to bring you a #7 Crispy Chicken sandwich combo meal. You live on 3rd & Kennedy St. He lives on 30th & Alabama Ave. He ain't trying to make that drive tonight but you start talking all soft and say "Pleeeease, I'll be your best friend," and he brings you your food. He drank your pink lemonade though. To show your gratitude, you give him some real quick, he leaves, and you finish watching the Best of Comic View.

KFC: Y'all been messing with each other for about a month or two and are just chilling in Grandma's basement watching a Steve Harvey Show re-run. You can tell he likes you because y'all didn't get separate 3 piece meals. Y'all got the 8 piece bucket that y'all can share together.

Horace & Dickies: The two of you live together, no kids. You been laying in bed all day on a Saturday watching some movie about some woman who got raped or molested on the Lifetime channel (it's always a movie about a woman who got raped or killed her husband on Lifetime). He's been out playing ball with the fellas. You call and leave a message on his cell phone to bring home some fish when he comes. You don't even have to tell him where to get the fish, HE KNOWS. And he knows to get extra hot sauce and tartar sauce packets.

Eddie Leonard's Carryout: Y'all live together off and on up 21st Street, are not married, have 2 kids together, but there are a total of 4 kids between you. You call ahead and order him a steak and cheese with everything no tomato and French fries with saltpepperketchup. You order a medium beef & broccoli and a grape Rock Creek soda. The bill is $12.68 and it will be ready in 15 minutes. The two of you spend 20 minutes arguing about who is going to pay for it before you give him $3.25 and he hops in his Buick Celebrity and drives up the street.

Red Lobster: If this is y'all first date and you are impressed, then your are a Hoodrat. BUT, you are a Hoodrat with potential. He sees that you could be his baby mama in the near future. You got a cute face, your braids are fresh and tight, and you fill out a pair of stretch jeans nicely. You probably call them scrimps and you ask if the alfredo sauce is the white sauce or the red sauce. But it's all good because, "Girl, he took me to Red Lobster last night and he let me order the Lobster Feast."

Now if this is not your first date, then you are either engaged or married. Red Lobster is a place to eat on a boring Friday night. Nothing special, just some shrimp pasta, a lobster tail, and them cheese biscuits! Oh boy. I've seen some people get real rowdy if they don't bring them cheese biscuits out fast enough. (I've even seen some women bring a zip-lock bag and put them biscuits in her purse to take home.)

Fridays/Applebee's: Y'all are anywhere between 18-24 years old. You might be college students or work for the DC Government. (Notice I didn't say Federal Government. If you work for Fed. Govt., you are likely to be eating somewhere like the DC Chophouse or Capital City Brewery). You two are young and in love, but BROKE. Together, y'all can afford a $31.45 bill from Friday's and leave a $3 tip.

Morton's/Legal Seafood's: The two of you are college educated, young professionals. No kids. You each have you own apt/condo/house. This is your first date, so he is trying to impress you by going to an "upscale" restaurant. You are somewhat impressed by his selection. You are even more impressed by his conversation and when he pays for the meal with his Platinum American Express. Too bad these restaurants are way overpriced and he just paid $14.95 for a bowl of crab bisk.

Your own kitchen: This is always the best meal because, YOU cooked it. The way to a man's heart IS through his stomach. Those are some of the truest words ever spoken. The thought, time and effort put into a good meal shows him that you care. I'd rather you make me a bowl of cheese grits with crumbled up bacon, than dine at any restaurant because I know you stirred that pot with me in mind.


No matter where your boyfriend/cut buddy/baby fahva/husband takes you to eat, enjoy it and appreciate him for feeding your hungry a@@ because he could have left you at home with a cup of Oodles of Noodles and half empty bottle of Wink. Naw seriously though, relationships are often forged over a good meal, no matter who cooked or served it. Cherish that time at your dinner table. They say the family that prays together stays together. This is very true. But also remember, the family that grubs together loves you better.



Black Health
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




This is a service announcement inviting folk to come down to the Ooooh Lawd Arthritis Clinic for the Spry and Limber. Ms. Vernicia Epson is spearheading a "Limber-up & Stretch-out Workshop" this Thursday after tomorrow. The workshop will be working towards getting our seniors more spry. Vernicia Epson will be the keynote speaker, and she will be touching the subject of "Contact for Cataract" and "Epsom Salt for the Soul". Mrs. Trudalia Weathersby will provide all materials for the "Contact for Cataract", after she confiscated them from her grandson Ronnie.

Epson knows a great deal about arthritis, she has been sponsored by Ace Bandages since she was 27 years old. She recently was recognized by Tiger Balm as a 30 year Home Remedy Arthur Achievement recipient. She is known to soak her feet in pot-liquor and her knees in corn-liquor, everything else she says will take care of itself. She often gets irritated by new-fangled names like "Jumper's Knee" and "Tennis Elbow". On their way to "Ooooh Lawd" she told her good girlfriend Colinda Dade "hell I got shucker's thumb, bender's knee, and looker's eye, but that don't stop me from doing what I gots to do".