Thursday, August 26, 2004

"Years of Service"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

Rudolph Hargrove has been the Senior Tour Guide/Officer for The DC Alley & Sidestreet Authority for over 26 years. DCASA was established by Marion Barry early in his political career when he was a councilmember. Designed to be an English muffin agency, the DCASA would could map out every nook and cranny in DC just in case he needed to go on the run. Marion selected Rudolph because of his nose for the streets. Back in his hey day, Rudolph was a number runner for Mississippi Mel who grew on Alabama Ave. Now when I say Rudolph was number runner, there is an emphasis on runner. Back on June 6, 1966, Rudolph took a lot bet slips for the number "666" to hit. "999" was the winning number on that day and old Rudolph tried to be as crooked as those letters in Mel's name and flip them number slips upside down and collect from Mel. Cool and calm, Mel told Rudolph, "Boy, I ain't dyslexic. I'm getting ready to pull my pistol, you better make a run for the exit." Rudolph pulled out of there faster than a man who ran out of rubbers.

In his mad dash from the top of Georgia Avenue all the way to his Aunt Bertha's house on Horner Place, Rudolph maneuvered his way through numerous alleys and sidestreets. It is still unknown to this day how he managed to make it from upper Northwest to lower Southeast without ever crossing North Capitol or East Capitol Street. Rudolph was exposed to a world that he never knew existed in those DC alleys. He witnessed interracial cock fights in a crevice of an alley behind 5th & O. He saw a stoned David Ruffin selling unreleased Temptations singles and cufflinks in the alley behind Sam K's Record Store. He saw George Clinton cop some freebase in the alley behind the old Convention Center when the Mothership landed in 1978. One day he brought his nephew Renard along with him during an alley excursion on Morris Road and they saw two dope fiends bumping uglies inside a green supercan. Rudolph told his nephew, "You see nephew, I told you in my alley I see things."

During his tenure, Rudolph has walked over 93,231 alley-way miles. He has witnessed over 3,462 drunken fist fights, 1,984 sexual favors exchanged, and literally millions of hand to hands. Rudolph patrols DC alleys and keeps the streets safe by making sure that all incidents of stripping stolen Crown Victoria's, young kids playing basketball on a milk crate, sales of crack cocaine and the like are kept within the confines of our precious alleys. Rudolph is being commended by the Mayor for his years of service. He is going to receive his own personalized "Do Not Enter" sign, a new can of mace, and an all expense paid trip to sightsee in the Grand Alleys of Mumford, Georgia where his wife's family is from. At his ceremony in the alley behind his own house, Rudolph only had these words to say, "Why do it in the street when it can be done in an alley? It's much tighter back here and no one will know but me and the squirrels."

by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Reese Carol is hoeless romantic looking for lust. The former Peter Pan bathroom attendant, currently is an Assistant Amusement Manager at Kings Dominion. He runs two of the hoops at the 2for3 basketball hoops before you get to the Grizzly. He treats his womens quite well on dates, often greeting them with a big teddy bear, or 4 foot tall Aquaman dolls, whichever one is closest to him at closing time. What woman wouldn't want a man who can provide them with all the stuffed animals they want. Reese enjoys cabarets and stripclubs, and going out to eat at bars where his buddy Tony bartends, not to mention one-night stands in his Cutlass Supreme. A man who believes himself to be quite the player, a sophisticated man of squirrel mentality, Reese is loving for a fine lady or a swanky one with fine talents. To get in contact with this gameless player, please contact 301-455-3534 and ask for DeCarlos the Delegate of DeLove.