Monday, August 02, 2004

Sal's Corner
"The Barbershop"

Everybody's been in a barbershop. Either that or you've seen the movie. But, I dont wanna talk about the "stereotypical" black barbershop stuff that we ALL know. Let's go a lil deeper.

* I know yall know that dude who asks for his hair to be cut like the dude wo just got up out the seat. "Yeah, make mines JUST like his". What he dont know is the other dude has a WAY better grain of hair than him. Forget all that "aint no such things as good hair". YES IT IS and that dude DOESNT have it. So why is he always tryna be like the dude who just got up out the chair

* The one dude who's hair looks the same as it did before he came in the shop. He ALWAYS is before you too. WASTING your time. But, sometimes he goes in the back room to get his haircut. Yall know, the old man that cuts all the old people haircuts. They in a whole nother room. Dude come back out and everybody be puzzled. "Did Mr. Utley EVEN he cut his joant this week?"

* The retarded kids bus that comes once every 3 months. All yall barbers, YALL ARE WRONG. Yall do them boys dirty. Run the clippers over their head ONE time. The "B.A. Baracus" joant. Looking like the "Mr. T fan club" when they walk out.

* The dude wit da pink bumps on the back of his neck. Look like stuck some bubble yum on his neck. His neck look like he just kept some gum back there for a few months, and he takes it off and chew it just to grab some of the flavor out of it every once and a while. Now I dont like getting my haircut after him. Unless you gotta smart barber. Your barber can be real slick wit it. He'll make "bubble tape neck" laugh. Laugh so much that he dont notice that the barber is changing clipper guards. Yeah he gotta whole different set of clippers for "Juicy Fruit".

* The lady who gets her neck faded. She SWARE she down wit da fellas. Just cause you be pressed to come in on Friday's and get your neck touched dont mean you trump tight wit da fellas. She jump in the convo and think she know the deal. Let me tell you something, go on and get your eye's lashed and you neck faded and get on. Always wanna bring the women's perspective. If I wanted that, I'd watch Oprah. This is grown men talk here.

* The dude who cant cut. He never has NO customers. No steady clientele. No nothing. He just reads "Ebony" all day. He can tell you the "top 10 couples of the year" since 1988. He can recite week by week the "JET" beauty of the weeks from the year 1991. And he be begging for work. Let a dude come in there and not know the deal and walk NEAR his seat........."I can getchu". Thats the sorry dude's favorite line "Come on over here and let me getchu". Not the kid I say.........NOT THE KID. I asked for an "even" and he giving out "cleveland's". I dont want no shag in the back! Where they do that at? I dont care if your barber aint there, keep it scraggly.

* The "Salesmen". See most of yall think of the dude who sells walkmen, kid's movies, CD's and video games. Everybody knows him. He's cool. But I aint talking bout him. Im talking bout the dude who sells PORNO's ONLY. Like.........for real........ if I was EVEN interested in buying I look buying one of them from you in FRONT of all these dudes in the shop? His best sales would be on the way OUT the shop. How I look holding a "Debbie does Dallas" DVD for an hour while im waiting on a cut. And you know when you buy something from the "Salesmen", everybody wanna look!

* The "Quiet" moment. This usually occurs when one of the following happens. 1) Somebody says something real stupid, 2) The dude who cant cut gets a customer, or 3) When somebody's GOOD-LOOKING Mamma comes in. All of a sudden the convo dont mean as much no more. Raise your hand if you want the mother to get up and personally instruct the barber on how to cut her son's hair?

* Last but not least....... "The African Dude". No, not like the movie where there was an African barber. Im talking about an African Patron. He comes in every week. Nobody knows where he came from or how he heard about the shop. He walks out every week and somebody asks "Who is that?" The barber at the end says "Oh.....that's my main man Muke', dude is cool, he dont say much but Muke' is cool." He think he fly too. He grabs the mirror like 10 times. Rubbing his chin, making faces in the mirror. He usually got on tight jeans and slide-ons wit no socks. DEFINITELY no neck fade. He either boxes the neck out or its a slight shag. Just a SLIGHT Shag people. Not quite "Randy Watson" but more "Lou Rawls". Lil fake coogi sweater, either that or a "members only" jacket. Whatever he's a member of, im a stay clear of that.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"