Tuesday, August 10, 2004

News & Notes
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Francis "Franco" Ballot was cut from the Dupont Circle Skate Club last Tuesday. The team cited several reasons for the assistant coordinator of team spirit timely departure. It was believed that "Franco" was trying to incorporate props into the Skate Club's annual production of "Duck Duck Goose Me" the musical. There were allegations that Franco wanted to use gerbals and hamsters for the production's big finish. However, Trip Philson and Chris Kansas, were opposed to such a stunt. Needless to say they made a pickle over it. Franco Ballot was last seen in Fresh Fields buying a pack of organic hot dogs.

Dr. Willie Leak, seen above at the Home Schooled Dentist Conference, has decided not to press charges against an unknown woman, named Beulatese Finks, who alleges Dr. Willie leaked on her shoe outside a HSDC function last Tuesday. Dr. Willie was going to press charges against the alleged Finks for slander and farting up his reputation. Ms. Finks was not available for comment, but was recorded at the Boney James concert stating "I'll kick Dr. Willie in his willie the next time I see that lying rascal, gonna piss on me, who does he think he is?". Her good girlfriend Phyllis also said that Beulahtese won't press charges but might drop-kick the good Dr. if she sees him getting out that old Mercedes.

"Strictly Bidness"
By Salvador Gabor

Does making a lil money on the side interest you? How about the possibility of having multiple streams of income? What about being able to retire from your job? How about firing your boss? Well if these things sound good, UPH&RA may be the resource for you.

The Uptown Pimpin' Hustlin' & Robbin' Association is looking to branch out across the D.C. Area into parts of Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina as well. The UPH&RA, which was founded on 13th & Park Road in N.W. D.C. is an organization dedicated to giving constituents of Corporate America a chance to sell rocks, rob niggas, and get on this pimpin' during the after hours. Why come home and work in your garden when you can sell green on the streets? Why have intimate time with your wife, when you can help other women sell their bodies on the street? Your wife can wait a few hours.......surely she can. What about having your boss sign your check........then you turn around and rob him for his? Now that's a salary increase for ya!

Some of you will NEVER have another opportunity like this. Imagine sitting on the toilet and MAKING MONEY. I know some of you say, "There's no WAY you can make money sitting on a toilet?". Well if the Police come and you have to swallow some "product", sitting on the toilet may be your ONLY way of making that sell!

We have weekly meetings that rotate from 15th & Monroe to 14th & Kenyon all the way back to 13th & Park Road. We have also aligned ourselves with many Uptown Hispanic Gangs. We are looking to do a joint venture on "Knife Work as a tool for Self-Protection". Other topics such as "Private Business Receptions and/or Presentations to knewly acquired Whores, Crackheads and weed addicts". Real meaty topics and discussions will take place. Also on August 21, 2004, our VP of Sales, Henry "Bo-Skeeta" Johnson will discuss ideas for 2005 and will moderate breakout sessions for intermediate level pimps and pushers. Please register now for that event, which will be held at the Petworth Recreational Center on 8th & Taylor Streets, N.W.. This will truly be a blessed affair. Not often will you get a chance to be in the presence of a man such as "Bo-Skeeta". Come one, Come all, it's promised to be a grand affair.

You guys already know who to contact. Mrs. Ruby Taylor will be manning the lines. Call her at (301) 455-3534. If she is not available, ask for "Slim". Better know as "8-Track Slim".

This ad has been brought to you by, "Wet Willie and the Sensational Rat Tails". They are currently performing at "The Cicada Lounge" located on Southern Ave. and Wheeler Road.