Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Fear of the Black A@@
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

(Disclaimer: To my Black women, this piece is in no way, shape or form, meant to degrade or reduce you to be nothing more than a sexual object. This piece is a tribute to the most beautiful creatures that God has ever created.)

There is a new fear that is spreading across this country. No, it's not the fear of terrorism. It's not the fear of AIDS. It is not the fear that George W. will be re-elected. It is the Fear of the Black A@@. Yeah, Fear of the Black A@@. Who is scared of a Black woman's buttocks, you ask? Take a wild guess, White women. You see, lately there have been allegations that there is a new phenomenon on the rise: White girls with A@@. his phenomenon is a hoax. Just like that "forward this message to 10 people and you will get a check" e-mail. It's phony. Just propaganda in a world of supply and demand. Now don't get me wrong, there is a segment of the White female population that has been blessed with pumps and bump similar to my Black women (I do have eyes), but ain't nothing like the real thing, baby.

The so-called phenomenon is simply the result of modern technology. I'm not talking about plastic surgery or butt implants. I'm talking about a new denim revolution: Low-rise jeans. When low rise jeans exploded, so did the backsides of white girls from The Valley to a New York Alley. You see what they did was change the structure of the jeans so that when Becky and Heather go to Urban Outfitters and try on a pair of jeans, the rise that is low comes to that little area just above her ivory crack and give the illusion that her rear is round when in reality, that mere morsel of a mound just diverts attention from her flat back which is now visually separated from her rear. So really, all low-rise jeans do is false advertise. It's like a car commercial when they show you a sleek looking Cadillac fully equipped that really costs $45K but, on the screen they tell you the price is $31K* and then the dude starts talking really fast, "taxestitledealerfeesnotincludedmustdeliverbyOctoberfirstsomefeaturesoptionalsubjecttocreditapproval." Same thing here, it might look good but when you get to the fine print, things just ain't what they seem in those jeans. So you see it's all just smoke and mirrors and that's why they fear ya.

Low rise jeans should be charged with racial discrimination because my Black women can't get in 'em. It's like they have a sign that says "No Coloreds Allowed." I know the struggle that Black women go through just to find a pair of jeans that can hold what broke the mold. My Black women have too much to share back there. There's no way they can squeeze all that "baby, please" in a pair of low rises. There would be spillage through the entire village and we have children to raise.

Remember when J.Lo first blew up? Why? Because she had the rear end of a Black girl named LaTasha (Sidebar: It's never just Tasha. It's always LaTasha or NaTasha.) After she blew up, she shrunk her famous rump and went for the Hollywood look. Once again, my Black women have been used. She took just ONE of your most beautiful physical assets and exploited it. Meanwhile my Black actresses with blackside AND acting skills get no love in Hollywood. They fear the Black A@@ but, love it from afar. Just imagine if Janet's hind parts would have been exposed at the Super Bowl! America can barely handle a little nipple slippage, if the rhythm of this nation had gotten a glimpse of those ebony cheeks, they would probably have taken Janet to court and charged her with possession of crack with intent to distribute (think about it).

To my Black women, be proud of that which follows you everywhere you go because it sees what you left behind and pushes you forward. And remember I will always be watching your back.

This PSA was brought to you by B.U.T.T.S.--Brothers United for The Thick Sistas in conjunction with R.U.M.P.S.--Reinforcement & Utilization of Massive Posteriors Society. Also Sponsored by Applebottom Jeans.