Tuesday, August 31, 2004

"Black Health Tips"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Professor Buck Nasty, former gynocologist of Hard Times University Hospital, has been gracious enough to provide us with valuable health tips to increase black wellness. A renown scholar who is knowledgable on most anything from the effects of salads to seahawk wings, from Redskins to red skin. He is quite the entrepreneur, and here he is live from his clinic on 14th and Jefferson.

Black mothers need to increase breast feeding, especially those with such lactose endowments that are accessible without x-rays. However, please be sure to purchase proper brazires to allow airflow, and be sure to keep nipples clean prior to and after feedings. Nipple-lint is the leading cause of acid-reflux among infants and toddlers breast-feeding.

Black males of the basement drinking variety, please be sure to get drunk in your basement please wear socks, unathletic foot is the leading cause stank-foot and niggas not wanting to play with their kids outside.

Black children, deodorant will not kill you. If your grandmother tells you that you are too young to use deodorant start wiping your tail with her hats. If she asks you why, tell her, if I am too young to care if my underarms stink, then you are too old to care what is on your bald-head. Tussy was underarmour before sporty spandex. You body is a temple, so protect your house, and mine nose.

"Hood Olympics"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

D'Andre "Lead Foot" Whitlock has won the 8th Annual Tyler House Big Wheel Derby. This is the 3rd consecutive derby win for D'Andre who is only 7 years old. This year he edged out Lil' Jerome "Speedy" Cornwell, of Sursum Cordas by .04 of a second. The race was held right out in front of the Tyler House on North Capitol St. Residents stopped traffic during the evening rush hour causing major delays. The crowd turnout was slightly smaller than last year with approximately 37 people on hand. The event was not without controversy. With such a close finish, the judges had to review the photo finish using Ebony's Sprint PCS Vision phone. After the review D'Andre was named the victor and he proceeded to do donuts in the building lobby while his crew chief poured red Kool-Aid all over the place.

Terrance "Smoke" Long has recaptured his title in this years Quarles Place Blue Light Special Quarter Pound Break Down & Bag Up competition. Terrance has his title back after missing last years contest because he was "away." He finished with a time of 21 minutes and 13 seconds, a new Northeast record. Without using a scale, "Smoke" eyeballed a QP and broke it down into 40 perfect dime sacks. First prize was three boxes of strawberry flavored blunts, a Bob Marley T-Shirt, a value pack of Zippo lighters, and a copy of Rick James Greatest Hits. Of course he got to keep the QP