Tuesday, August 31, 2004

"Black Health Tips"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Professor Buck Nasty, former gynocologist of Hard Times University Hospital, has been gracious enough to provide us with valuable health tips to increase black wellness. A renown scholar who is knowledgable on most anything from the effects of salads to seahawk wings, from Redskins to red skin. He is quite the entrepreneur, and here he is live from his clinic on 14th and Jefferson.

Black mothers need to increase breast feeding, especially those with such lactose endowments that are accessible without x-rays. However, please be sure to purchase proper brazires to allow airflow, and be sure to keep nipples clean prior to and after feedings. Nipple-lint is the leading cause of acid-reflux among infants and toddlers breast-feeding.

Black males of the basement drinking variety, please be sure to get drunk in your basement please wear socks, unathletic foot is the leading cause stank-foot and niggas not wanting to play with their kids outside.

Black children, deodorant will not kill you. If your grandmother tells you that you are too young to use deodorant start wiping your tail with her hats. If she asks you why, tell her, if I am too young to care if my underarms stink, then you are too old to care what is on your bald-head. Tussy was underarmour before sporty spandex. You body is a temple, so protect your house, and mine nose.



"Hood Olympics"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.


D'Andre "Lead Foot" Whitlock has won the 8th Annual Tyler House Big Wheel Derby. This is the 3rd consecutive derby win for D'Andre who is only 7 years old. This year he edged out Lil' Jerome "Speedy" Cornwell, of Sursum Cordas by .04 of a second. The race was held right out in front of the Tyler House on North Capitol St. Residents stopped traffic during the evening rush hour causing major delays. The crowd turnout was slightly smaller than last year with approximately 37 people on hand. The event was not without controversy. With such a close finish, the judges had to review the photo finish using Ebony's Sprint PCS Vision phone. After the review D'Andre was named the victor and he proceeded to do donuts in the building lobby while his crew chief poured red Kool-Aid all over the place.

Terrance "Smoke" Long has recaptured his title in this years Quarles Place Blue Light Special Quarter Pound Break Down & Bag Up competition. Terrance has his title back after missing last years contest because he was "away." He finished with a time of 21 minutes and 13 seconds, a new Northeast record. Without using a scale, "Smoke" eyeballed a QP and broke it down into 40 perfect dime sacks. First prize was three boxes of strawberry flavored blunts, a Bob Marley T-Shirt, a value pack of Zippo lighters, and a copy of Rick James Greatest Hits. Of course he got to keep the QP

Friday, August 27, 2004

Pioneer in Negresscence
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Today we would like to salute a pioneer in negressence. Andrew T. Williams, also known as "KungFu Dru" or the "Judo Dude", is a martial artist who trained along side Karate Ken, Karate Keith, and Karate Antoine. Together they trained under the watchful eye of Jim Kelly tapes. They perfected moves, named for animals and random things Karate Keith's grandmother would shout from the back room. Their styles ranged from Jaguar to Jim Brown, Soda Pop to Courdoroy, and the ever deadly Black Lightning and Black Ice.

The year was 1975, and the foursome, practiced their martial arts almost anywhere, but they especially enjoyed going to public parks and karating it up. "Kung Fu Dru" sometimes seemed to have a mean-streak. He is known to push his dojo-mates to the limit, often times using contact in non-contact sparing. Karate Ken and Keith didn't approve of his tactics, and it was at this point that the Judo Dude began running with the Hoover Deuces and some funky white dudes. He began learning some weapons tactics, and M9 attack monkey training.

Williams' newly acquired knowledge of Remy Martin bottle bombs, cocaine explosives, his fleet of attack monkeys gave him a freakishly dangerous mindset. His uncle worked for PEPCO and WASA, DC's electric and water utility comapnies, and Williams stole his maps of the cities sewer systems and high voltage areas. his combined with his knowledge of Southwest alleys, and the 2months he spent taking long lunches at Southeastern gave him the foundation to become the first Black terrorist.

He cooked up a scheme to break into government buildings to obtain access to top secret documents, he just never figured out which ones to steal. The "Judo Dude" was more obsessed with kicking butt than taking names. He finally attempted to put his knowledge to use and break into the Bureau of Engraving and still a printing press. He had 3 heroin addicts waiting for him in a sewer, and they would help him manuever the money press back to his humble aboad on Delaware Ave. Needless to say this didn't work, Williams controlled his attack monkeys with whistles. Bobby "On Time" Durgins came down the hallway whistling "Reasons" and hit the high note, and the monkeys went crazy. They started biting, kicking, gouging, and ravaging the "Judo Dude". He was rendered helpless especially after one of his cocaine explosives went off and set fire to his afro, and got him high and numb on his whole left side. The police didn't even arrest him, they just sat him outside under the 14th Street Bridge, where he now resides and karates non-stop. We would like to salute a monkey of a man, the "Judo Dude".


"Musical Legends"
By Salvador Gabor





Shadrach, Meshach and the Bendy Goats have been around for 40 years. Their time has been spent traveling, singing and maintaining the flyest threads in the Gospel circuit. Shadrach Winbush (second from the left) began this Gospel group in the 1960's when he was denied a chance to sing with Issac Turner and "Nutbush", an upstart rock group in Chicago. Ole Shad said "If I can't sing Rock, God will always let me sing". Shad and his cousin Meshach Winbush (pictured with the glasses) began the group. They were often called the Isley Brothers of Gospel.

Reginald Talley (Far left) Hubert "Big Bo" Turnbo (Pictured in the middle) and Roger "Smiley" Simmons (Far Right) joined in on this long ride of success. Their first hit single "Church Bidness" was a smash hit and it exposed many of the false teaching preachers who took money from the offerings. Then they went on tour and performed another of their long list of hits. "Who got the Raffle Ticket" was a song that talked about a free Bus Trip to Mississippi and how Shad found the lord on that Bus when he was really looking from some women.

After 40 years, "The Bendy Goats" are still going strong. They've even modernized their music to adjust to the 21st Century. Their new hit "2 Baby Mommas in the Same Choir" has hit the charts and hasn't stopped smoking! They also have a rap song called "Pulpit Pimpin" and Lord knows where that may lead this group.

For more info dial 301-455-3534 and ask for Tate Willenborough.



Thursday, August 26, 2004

"Years of Service"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.




Rudolph Hargrove has been the Senior Tour Guide/Officer for The DC Alley & Sidestreet Authority for over 26 years. DCASA was established by Marion Barry early in his political career when he was a councilmember. Designed to be an English muffin agency, the DCASA would could map out every nook and cranny in DC just in case he needed to go on the run. Marion selected Rudolph because of his nose for the streets. Back in his hey day, Rudolph was a number runner for Mississippi Mel who grew on Alabama Ave. Now when I say Rudolph was number runner, there is an emphasis on runner. Back on June 6, 1966, Rudolph took a lot bet slips for the number "666" to hit. "999" was the winning number on that day and old Rudolph tried to be as crooked as those letters in Mel's name and flip them number slips upside down and collect from Mel. Cool and calm, Mel told Rudolph, "Boy, I ain't dyslexic. I'm getting ready to pull my pistol, you better make a run for the exit." Rudolph pulled out of there faster than a man who ran out of rubbers.

In his mad dash from the top of Georgia Avenue all the way to his Aunt Bertha's house on Horner Place, Rudolph maneuvered his way through numerous alleys and sidestreets. It is still unknown to this day how he managed to make it from upper Northwest to lower Southeast without ever crossing North Capitol or East Capitol Street. Rudolph was exposed to a world that he never knew existed in those DC alleys. He witnessed interracial cock fights in a crevice of an alley behind 5th & O. He saw a stoned David Ruffin selling unreleased Temptations singles and cufflinks in the alley behind Sam K's Record Store. He saw George Clinton cop some freebase in the alley behind the old Convention Center when the Mothership landed in 1978. One day he brought his nephew Renard along with him during an alley excursion on Morris Road and they saw two dope fiends bumping uglies inside a green supercan. Rudolph told his nephew, "You see nephew, I told you in my alley I see things."

During his tenure, Rudolph has walked over 93,231 alley-way miles. He has witnessed over 3,462 drunken fist fights, 1,984 sexual favors exchanged, and literally millions of hand to hands. Rudolph patrols DC alleys and keeps the streets safe by making sure that all incidents of stripping stolen Crown Victoria's, young kids playing basketball on a milk crate, sales of crack cocaine and the like are kept within the confines of our precious alleys. Rudolph is being commended by the Mayor for his years of service. He is going to receive his own personalized "Do Not Enter" sign, a new can of mace, and an all expense paid trip to sightsee in the Grand Alleys of Mumford, Georgia where his wife's family is from. At his ceremony in the alley behind his own house, Rudolph only had these words to say, "Why do it in the street when it can be done in an alley? It's much tighter back here and no one will know but me and the squirrels."




Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Reese Carol is hoeless romantic looking for lust. The former Peter Pan bathroom attendant, currently is an Assistant Amusement Manager at Kings Dominion. He runs two of the hoops at the 2for3 basketball hoops before you get to the Grizzly. He treats his womens quite well on dates, often greeting them with a big teddy bear, or 4 foot tall Aquaman dolls, whichever one is closest to him at closing time. What woman wouldn't want a man who can provide them with all the stuffed animals they want. Reese enjoys cabarets and stripclubs, and going out to eat at bars where his buddy Tony bartends, not to mention one-night stands in his Cutlass Supreme. A man who believes himself to be quite the player, a sophisticated man of squirrel mentality, Reese is loving for a fine lady or a swanky one with fine talents. To get in contact with this gameless player, please contact 301-455-3534 and ask for DeCarlos the Delegate of DeLove.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Retirement Banquet
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




The Benning Road Banquet Hall, located at 34th and Benning worldly known as the Chateau, will proudly host the retirement banquet for Charlie "Chuck" Roberson. He often goes by "Candy Man", "Chucky Bucks", and "Charlie Robes", a renown sugar daddy to the least will be retiring all of his understudies of the Sugar Shack. You see, the Sugar Shack is like a 401k plan for old black dudes with a lot of money, a couple of baby-mommas and grandbaby-mommas. A lot of brothers in that 42-64 year age range have passed through Roberson's program in an effort to attain young stallions and old brickhouses alike.

Charlie Robes is leaving the Sugar Shack, for a more polyester and suede-filled world of music. Known to sang a lil bit, Chucky Bucks was discovered when his second wife Jeanetta heard him singing in the shower. Maybe it was the acoustics, or that knotty-head from the night before but, Chucky sounded right nice singing in the naked bucky. She told some of her good girlfriends about Chucky's singing, needless to say he wound up singing to them in their respective showers as well.

Charlie Robes will be leaving the Sugar Shack to its associate coordinators Andre "Mr. Medusa" Mead, and Sweet Richard Cox. Chucky Bucks however is not giving up sugar daddying on his own, and will be touring in Memphis starting at the very end of the month. His debut album Candy Man, hits bootleggers anytime between now, and whenever T-Note gets his computer online, and will be in stores in two weeks. The seven track album includes "Candy Man", "You Will if it's My Wood", "Mahogany Mainstay", "Sweet Brown Running Boards", "Show Me that Thongmaker", and "Cable Car Love". Tickets for the banquet can be obtained at Harold Penier's for 37.50, at the Chateau, or from Pierre's Tuxedo and Zootery. To order the "Candy Man" please call 301-455-3534, if you are kept on hold you can hear "Cable Car Love" for free while you wait, Ms. Womack's grandboy lil Benoit hooked up her call waiting. You can also log on to www.ebonymusiciansandwomanizers.com/rookiesofoldschool




"News & Notes for the Week of 8.27.04"
By Salvador Gabor


Good morning readers! It is our job not only to make you laugh but..........make you laugh more. But, in the meantime between let me unruffle this paper and read these notes that were submitted to me.



* In Decatur, Georgia, Wesley Jenkins, who is the President of UMNDWA, the Unemployed With No Desire to Work Assocation has announced that he and his constituents are pushing the Georgia State Legislature to make the "Mosquito" the State Bird. Although small in size, Jenkins argues that this bird plays a major part in the state as a whole. "Them thangs are aggrevating" says Jenkins. Because he has no job (hence he is the President of UMNDWA), he feels the affects of the Mosquitos. He cannot finish sentences without reaching down and scratching his leg. "Mayne! a nigga can't even wear a short-set out chere" exclaimed Mr. Jenkins. There is no word on whether or not the state will look into Wesley Jenkins' arguement

* Lumis Quartley, Head of the 1-5 Millionaires along with Clyde Rigsby of Parkland Gardens will recovene at the Richmond Civic Center this Saturday to discuss matters such as "Chopping up $7 Crack for those who are $3 short". It will be a brief meeting followed by the Afterparty for the Ricky "Boo-Boo" McAdoo Kickball Draft Celebration which will be announced in detail here on the site in the days to come.

* We also wanna send out a speedy recovery to Mrs. Alberta Covington who slipped and fell on her back at the 31st Baptist Church of Tuskegee while shouting. Mrs. Covington's grandparents helped build that church so any legal actions will have to be settle outside of a court.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Fear of the Black A@@
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.


(Disclaimer: To my Black women, this piece is in no way, shape or form, meant to degrade or reduce you to be nothing more than a sexual object. This piece is a tribute to the most beautiful creatures that God has ever created.)


There is a new fear that is spreading across this country. No, it's not the fear of terrorism. It's not the fear of AIDS. It is not the fear that George W. will be re-elected. It is the Fear of the Black A@@. Yeah, Fear of the Black A@@. Who is scared of a Black woman's buttocks, you ask? Take a wild guess, White women. You see, lately there have been allegations that there is a new phenomenon on the rise: White girls with A@@. his phenomenon is a hoax. Just like that "forward this message to 10 people and you will get a check" e-mail. It's phony. Just propaganda in a world of supply and demand. Now don't get me wrong, there is a segment of the White female population that has been blessed with pumps and bump similar to my Black women (I do have eyes), but ain't nothing like the real thing, baby.

The so-called phenomenon is simply the result of modern technology. I'm not talking about plastic surgery or butt implants. I'm talking about a new denim revolution: Low-rise jeans. When low rise jeans exploded, so did the backsides of white girls from The Valley to a New York Alley. You see what they did was change the structure of the jeans so that when Becky and Heather go to Urban Outfitters and try on a pair of jeans, the rise that is low comes to that little area just above her ivory crack and give the illusion that her rear is round when in reality, that mere morsel of a mound just diverts attention from her flat back which is now visually separated from her rear. So really, all low-rise jeans do is false advertise. It's like a car commercial when they show you a sleek looking Cadillac fully equipped that really costs $45K but, on the screen they tell you the price is $31K* and then the dude starts talking really fast, "taxestitledealerfeesnotincludedmustdeliverbyOctoberfirstsomefeaturesoptionalsubjecttocreditapproval." Same thing here, it might look good but when you get to the fine print, things just ain't what they seem in those jeans. So you see it's all just smoke and mirrors and that's why they fear ya.

Low rise jeans should be charged with racial discrimination because my Black women can't get in 'em. It's like they have a sign that says "No Coloreds Allowed." I know the struggle that Black women go through just to find a pair of jeans that can hold what broke the mold. My Black women have too much to share back there. There's no way they can squeeze all that "baby, please" in a pair of low rises. There would be spillage through the entire village and we have children to raise.

Remember when J.Lo first blew up? Why? Because she had the rear end of a Black girl named LaTasha (Sidebar: It's never just Tasha. It's always LaTasha or NaTasha.) After she blew up, she shrunk her famous rump and went for the Hollywood look. Once again, my Black women have been used. She took just ONE of your most beautiful physical assets and exploited it. Meanwhile my Black actresses with blackside AND acting skills get no love in Hollywood. They fear the Black A@@ but, love it from afar. Just imagine if Janet's hind parts would have been exposed at the Super Bowl! America can barely handle a little nipple slippage, if the rhythm of this nation had gotten a glimpse of those ebony cheeks, they would probably have taken Janet to court and charged her with possession of crack with intent to distribute (think about it).

To my Black women, be proud of that which follows you everywhere you go because it sees what you left behind and pushes you forward. And remember I will always be watching your back.

This PSA was brought to you by B.U.T.T.S.--Brothers United for The Thick Sistas in conjunction with R.U.M.P.S.--Reinforcement & Utilization of Massive Posteriors Society. Also Sponsored by Applebottom Jeans.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Let's Go Crazy"



The year is 1984. Skinny ties are in style. Big hair, make-up and crazy colors. The Lakers were the champs. People were "moonwalking" and a man by the name of Michael Jordan would take the world by storm. Then a song called "Let's Go Crazy" came about. It was a fun song. It seemed harmless. Now, 20 years later, people are actually going CRAZY!

Have you walked down the streets of major cities lately? You may actually see one of your High School friends asking for quarters. Most of the readers on the site are between the ages of 18-30. This is the time.........the time when many began to separate from the pack. Some fall behind and some just simply fall of. I wanna talk about "Going Crazy" and some of the characteristics and things to look out for.


* Clothing - Unless you are trying to lose weight, their is no need for a long sleeve in summertime weather. If it's 80 degrees, why do you have on a sweater? Why is there a need for a skull cap. How about that jacket? I know you gotz to be sweating. There is no more Pop Warner Football for you sir! You don't have to drop 2 Lbs to play for the 95-Lb team. People, watch your friends if they start wearing thermals, sweaters or long sleeve tees in the summer and it's above 80 degrees! Now also when it gets cold and they still have on shorts, just keep a tab on them.

* Isolation - Most people go crazy because they separate themselves from the rest of their surrounding area. You have to interact with people constantly. It's good to take a day off.....cut off the cellphone, stay in the house, cut the TV off and just chill but, snap out of it after a day or two. Come back to the world.

* Stages of problems. Problems can make people go crazy. When most people have problems, they go to other people to try to solve them. 10 times out of 10, that other person has problems as well. They may not have the time or the will power to help you through yours. It may seem as if the whole world is overlooking your issue but, sometimes it can be that way. There are three stages of problems. 1) You wish people would care about your problem. 2) You realize that alot of people dont care and that upsets you. And 3) You realize that alot of people dont care and you have accepted that and quite honestly, you're happy with that. If you never get to stage 3, you will be in some trouble. Most people get to stage 3 when their problem is through and someone approaches them with the same problem months later. When someone is nagging you, THEN you understand that we all have problems and if someone doesn't give you all of the attention that you feel you need maybe, they have some as well or your problem may not be as bad as it seems.

* Showing off - This can get you in trouble. Your girlfriend/boyfriend breaks up with you. You are hurt. I mean extremely hurt. So it's gotten to the point where you two are often at the same venues. So an event comes up. You go get "fly" and you get to the event and you see your "ex". Now you MUST stunt. You are "fly" and you are letting everyone know. We all know you are stunting for "them peoples" but, we dont say anything. Then he/she walks by. They simply speak and keep it moving. And all that money and time you've spent has gone to a waste. "Keith, you went and bought that sweatsuit and ole Felecia JUST waived at you.......man you are a fool". Now all of that prepping that you did in the mirror. All that practicing you did the night before. All those poses you were practicing while you were drying off from the shower.......... are all to waste. This sometimes can be the breaking point. CATCH YOURSELF. This could be the point where you know you can't show off for Felecia so you treat everybody else like Felecia and you try to show-off on everybody that you can JUST because your ex paid no mind to that new sweatsuit.

* Headphones - I'm gonna be straight up and down with you. I DONT like headphones. Many of my friends use them. But I DONT like them. Unless I'm on an 8-hour trip, it's no need for them. People ride the train and they have like 4 or 5 stops and they just HAVE to hear them tunes for 10 minutes. Or your teenage son is in the back seat. You have the radio on but, he HAS to have his walkman. I'm tellin yall, them headphones will make you crazy! You've been warned. You see what they do is.........they block out the WHOLE world. A radio gives you the music but, you can still hear the noises of the surrounding atmosphere. Headphones leave you one on one with the music. Unless you are on a bus headed to Augusta, Georgia.......you can survive without headphones. I'd rather have a boombox over my shoulder than to walk a few blocks with some headphones. Again I say, you have been warned. This is the key piece to going crazy. Look at alot of weird people around you.........a common characteristic maybe headphones.



Be on the lookout. If you see these things going on, BEWARE. Tell your friend or YOURSELF for that matter to snap out of it. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, August 20, 2004

"CrimeWatchers"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




CrimeWatchers is proud to report that the infamous Black Twinkee Crime Family has been apprehended. Shown from left to right Cindy "Lollipop" Hansen, Timmy "Big Time" Timus, and Greg "G-Shock" Hamilton. The Black Twinkee Crime Family has terrorized many communities ever since they were 5 years old. Known as the Black Twinkee's because their only colored member G-Shock is the glue that holds them together.

The threesome has holding to the largest stolen mopad and Cadillac ring in lower Northwest DC. They also have been running numbers in San Fran, DC, Albuquerque Seattle, and Cleveland. An innocent looking group, excluding "Big Time" who has been known to scare minutes into seconds. The group was found in Oakland when "Big Time" was found soliciting pay-per-view slap boxing between drunk hookers in a brothel. The above picture was taken inside the Queen Jasmine's brothel when the Black Twinkee's were cornered by the feds.

The Black Twinkee's were quite the dangerous crew, Big Time is actually reaching for his dagger disguised as a PEZ dispenser. "G-Shock", nicknamed for his look of surprise, was quoted on the scene, "aww Big Time this is a tick of a time to be tocked, that pig sure got his glock cocked". Despite grumblings about the crew they never dealed drugs, nor killed anyone. Mr. Phyllis, the neighborhood queer of Stanton Terrace who likes crossdressing, survived that nasty trip-and-fall robbing, and near application of the death-touch by Big Time last winter. It is reported that the three will be tried all over the nation, but word has it they will be sentenced to five months in a maximum security daycare program in the basement of Marshall Taylor's house over on East 99 & St. Clair in Cleveland, OH.


Thursday, August 19, 2004

"Apprenticeship Program"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.





There are many young people searching for opportunities to attain wealth, a career change, or even a trade you can make your hobby. If you are unhappy with your job, living situation, underemployed unemployed or soon will be, this might be for you.
Well with the help of Dr. Otis and the AW SHUCKS Program you too can have such an opportunity. AW SHUCKS (Always Willing to SHow Us Colored Kids Something),is a Program started by the late Vesta Buel in the late 1930's. This program was established in efforts to provide young black folks opporunities that they would otherwise not have. The program has produced many chefs, porters, school teachers, and dogcatchers throughout the years. Dr. Otis is now one of the program's most recognizable faces, and head of Student Services. He also serves on the Brunch Committee and is Dean of Safety, Mustard, and Electronics.

Dr. Otis has also been through the AW SHUCKS Program several times, on his way to seven different certificates ranging from home improvement to barbecueing. He also received his certificate as a registered nurse last semester. The AW SHUCKS Program
provides such educational opportunities that can be offered in backyards, and emergency rooms alike. As a culinary specialist Dr. Otis has acheived nationwide
acclaim and his new strand of vegetable oil has helped create his award winning pork chops. With the help of the AW SHUCKS Program you can learn trades such as
chimney and barbershop sweeping, lotto machine engineering, dice construction, the finer art of pinky-swearing, and hallway remodeling.

If any of this sounds like a plan for you,log on to http://www.awshucks.edu/stuff or check the link in the Baltimore Sun at www.ebonyoddjobeducation.com/awshucks.

Don't take my word for it, ask Dr. Otis himself, "we are s-t-w-u-x-y-and z, if you repeat the alphabet it will be learned, like anything that which is connected is
repeated, and that which is repeated becomes habitual, so act on habit but don't make a habit an act,unless you are cleaning chittlins".



"Job Opportunities"
By Salvador Gabor


We just wanted to list a few more job openings for those underemployed or unemployed altogether.


* The Dept. of Labor is looking for a "Snack Room Attendant". Must have experience and background in shaking Vending Machines and un-jamming icemakers. This prospective worker must be able to fix wires on drop cords when too many appliances are running at once. A weekly cleaning of the refrigerator, dishwasher and microwave is required as well. For more info contact Jackie Moncrief at 202-365-9027

* Jeffery Wiggins and Associates (A Small Claims Law Firm) is looking for a Lawyer. If you like to argue, curse and have the last word in all conversations, Wiggins and Associates maybe the opportunity for you. No schooling necessary. Just stop pass the office on Sumner Road in S.E. and ask for Peaches. She will put you in contact with Jeff. He has a cell phone but, it's no need in me giving it out because it's pre-paid and he only has $6 left on it for this month. So if you can, just wait till after Labor Day.





Wednesday, August 18, 2004

"Black Awareness"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.





This poster is the winning entrant in the Newport Poster Project, sponsored by Newport, Salem, and Kool. It can be found in liquor stores hoodwide, and was composed by non-other than the renown Sir Francis Dooling. He composed this piece because black soul and nicotine has been part of his life since before slurpees had cognac.

This poster like many others is used to depict Black America smoking jacks, dranking booze, and posing in mini-shorts. The prevalence of cigarettes in the black community is so strong that pipeheads profess their love for cigarettes. Pipeheads should have something else on their minds other than nicotine dreams, like old music, or bubblebaths with their lady, or getting high in the barbershop bathroom to pass the time. Cigarettes kill, and they stink. So the next time you see somebody walking and smoking a cigarette, just clip them up. If they ask you why, tell them you hurting me and yourself with that cigarette, so why not let me hurt you too.

This announcement is not one to provoke the removal of liquor store artistry, and replace it with pictures of Farrakkan or Mary McLeod Bethune, but do yourself a favor as artists of Black Dakota and think to yourself, "If I could paint a picture of the world, it would be better than that in which we live" So don't pour out your beer, a wasteful goat is surely a nay-sayer. For more info on preventing visions of smoking in black pipehead art, check http://www.notafib.org it aint the Truth, but it sure aint no fib either.



Better than yours
Hey Rome, Happy Birthday!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

"Cover Your Bases"
By Salvador Gabor






This edition of "Musician of the Week" leads us to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Andre "Pluck" Taylor is the Lead Bass Guitar player for "Loretta and the Tonesetters". "Pluck" has been with the "Tonesetters for 12 years". This band has yet to NOT open up for another band in it's 17 year existance.........hence the name........."The Tonesetters". Most of the time, this band is done playing BEFORE your hand is stamped for admission into the club. They've broken a full sweat before you've hit the alarm on your car door. Yet, "Pluck" plays with the enthusiam of a Bass Player for Morris Day & The Time.

"Pluck" is a multi-talented brother. When he isn't performing he's enters contests. He has won "The Midwestern Kadeem Harrison Look-A-Like" contest 6 straight times. He also tried out as a stunt double for Alan Payne in "Jason's Lyric" but failed to gain a spot when his relaxer wouldn't lay his hair down appropriately.

"Pluck" loves Bass......or should I say "Base". No he didn't play baseball but, he likes to play along the "White Chalk", if you will. Hey......Opening up for 12 years can have it's toll on a brother. Anyway if you are in the D.C. Area, you can catch "Loretta and the Tonesetters" performing at the "Howard Theatre" alongside the new rap group called D.O.P.E. (Down & Out Pipehead Entertainment). Never expect to pay over $5 to see a show. You may not even have to pay in currency. Just bring a few old TV's and a toaster. That'll do for sure. Also stay tuned for more spotlights on Musicians and other talented people throughout the country.

If you know of anyone who should be spotlighted, call 301-455-3534. Ask for Donnie Rasby.



Personals
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr
.





Chairman Clarence Hemlock of the Waffle House Board of Trustees has announced a new business proposal for Waffle Houses throughout the nation. In an effort to keep up with the likes of Aunt Sarah's Pancake House, IHOP, Felix's Bar and Breakfast, and Thelma's Coffee Table, the diner chain will now be offering pancakes and french toast. However it will only be offered on Tuesdays and on the last Sunday of the month.

Clarence is also looking for some sweet loving in the form of a Georgia Peach, an Alabama Mammma, or even a Tennessee Chickadee. A man of the south, born and bread in Monroe, LA, Clarence is looking for a fine piece of alabaster he can plaster. A woman between 40 and 59 is his preference. A freak of elderly proportions, he doesn't mind spending some money for some midnight honey. The owner of a refurbished 1977 Fleetwood, Clarence enjoys cruising down 10, working in his garden and hedging the trims. To contact this brother, please call 301-455-3534, Ethel Womack will help you, if she don;t keep him for herself.



Friday, August 13, 2004

"Ward 7's Man of the Week"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Dr. Robert Markin is the Sgt.-at-Arms of the Langston Community Public Library, better known as the Books-A-Million on 26th St. & Benning Road. As the highest ranking official of this building Dr. Markin takes pride in keeping the facility safe, and its collection of literature up-to-date. As one of the city's smaller libraries, staffing has proven to be a problem for the facility especially after budget cuts and drastic government moves left Marion Barry helpless in 1996. The Books-A-Million was forced to maintain its own grounds and facilities. Dr. Markin also established a Fire Evacuation for the facility.

For those on the Watson Wing of the Building, please exit out of the doors facing the Langston Golf Course. For those in the Elliot Wing please exit outside of the doors facing the Langston Golf Course. For those in the Cruso Wing, please use the Spingarn exit, the half-open window to the rear. For those in the Elliot-Drew Wing please use the Spingarn exit. Anyone in the center of the of the library is to use the underground passage way which goes some 200 yards and opens on the 50 yard line of Spingarn's football field.

Managing this facility not much bigger than a garage and a half, is a tough job, and thank goodness Ward 7 has Dr. Bobby. In addition to librarianizing at the Books-A-Million, he is also a Junior Varsity assistant football coach for Spingarn and Phelps, however when the 2 next-door neighbors play each other his wife coaches Phelps who actually won 3 years ago 21-10. Markin is also an avid musician, a devoted historian of the career of Dave Bing an NBA and Spingarn legend, a founder of the Jogging-In-Place Leadership Group, and chief landscapesman for the #14 Boys and Girls Club.

Dr. Markin is the author of "Bobby in Wanderland". This autobiography discusses Dr. Markins' teenage years as he spent time finding himself and his journeys from the streets of East Capitol to his achievements at Fisk University. Here is an excerpt from the book, "as I found myself with myself, I would often say to self, just who art thee? Who is this nigga of a man you claim me to be, then I burned my hand on the radiator in my grandmother's backroom, and realized that I myself was not fit for firefighting."


Thursday, August 12, 2004

"Injured List"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.



We here at the "Site that Sal Built" like to recognize the common man. Too often it seems that we invest our concern in someone in the world of sports and or
entertainment. We find ourselves worrying too much about someone's sprained ankle or pitching arm, than those around us who really impact our lives.




Issac Iverson, the long-time puppeteer of the Petworth Puppet Productions Company, sustained a sprained thumb on Tuesday. The injury occured while the acclaimed
puppeteer was eating a pound of unpeeled spiced shrimp. Hermiena, his wife, described the incident as such "he had one of them great big ones, and the sucka
slipped clean out his hand, and his thumb just wrenched in mid-air. The creator of such charactersas "Honey Bear", "Stucko", and "Pierre the Talking
Pigeon" will be out at least a week. The Petworth Puppet Show will go on despite Issac's injury, with "Cleveland the pipehead" filling in for Issac.





Floyd Jackson, custodial engineer for the Aquatic Gardens Apartments is reportedly suffering neck and hip spasms and will not be able to check vents and heating ducts for the next 2-3 weeks. He will only be maintencing ground level apartments, and will be able to make keys for those needing them. However Floyd will still be able to perform every Friday at the Eclispe, and next Monday after this Sunday in
Philadelphia at the Catmandeau. Floyd Jackson is a member of "Lonnie Hart and the Wisdom Teeth", the former group of Mr. Reggie the Lemonade Man.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

"Superfriends Pt.1"
By Salvador Gabor


If you go back to our archives, you will see that on 5/14/04, we introduced the world to a good friend of ours. That friend is named "Big Hugh". I'm not gonna go BACK into what "Hugh" is about but, for those who remember........"Ole Hugh" will knock ya out. For those who don't remember, go to the archives and check the May 14th edition of our blog.


Onward shall we? Now "Ole Hugh" is not a lonely fella. He brings his friends with him from time to time when he is visiting unsuspecting people. The dudes he brings with him are so irritating though. They make you more mad than "Hugh"! "Hugh" just knocks you out if he feels like it. When you wake up, he's gone. But, the two guys that roll with "Hugh" are constantly in your face but, they'll never swing.

If you haven't met them, here's your opportunity. Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you to the terrible tandem "Sweat" and "Muggy". Yes people, "Sweat" and "Muggy" have been rollin' with "Ole Hugh" for quite some time. Two dudes that make you wanna slap em! They feel they are untouchable 'cause "Big Hugh" always has their back!

"Sweat" is a funny dude. He is the type that gets up on you. He makes you feel uncomfortable. When he talks to you, he feels a need to be touchy feely. He is always touching your face and talking so close that you can feel him on your neck. I had to tell "Sweat" one day about himself. I said "Sweat, you are gonna have to back off of me. Im a boy Sweat, Im a BOY sweat!". I don't mind "Sweat" sometimes. If I play ball, I might tell "Sweat" "Hey man let's go shoot some hoops". Most of the time, he'll join me for a game. Sometimes when I am sick, "Sweat" is a good friend of mine. He is the right remedy for a cold. I dont drink alcohol but, even Keith and Dewey told me that when they are just a bit too drunk, "Sweat" brings them back to sobriety. But, "Sweat" can go overboard. I pick and choose my time that I spend with "Sweat".He starts thinking that we are too cool and he wants to go to church with me! He starts talking his talk and I gotta fan him away. He went to the club wit "Dewey" and just wouldnt stop trying to dance with him. Dewey told me "Sweat" my be gay because he is always all up on niggas. Well my boy once told me, "If it looks like a rat and acts like a rat......by golly it's a rat". And the guy that told me is an "Eagle" so that goes to show you how much HE knows.

Oh and "Hugh" brought another friend. Yall know em as "Muggy". "Muggy" is not real social. He rarely comes out. You might see em in August. It's 6:00 O'Clock in the afternoon and "Ole Hugh" and "Sweat" done left for the day...........Oh no..........that aint "Muggy" walking around the corner is it??? Oh yes...it tis! "Muggy" is a little bit different than "Sweat" and "Hugh". "Sweat" is irritating. "Hugh" is intimidating. "Muggy" is just that nigga you love to hate. You might go to a cookout and see "Hugh" and "Sweat". They are chilling just like everyone else. "Sweat" is over by the basketball court. "Hugh" is out there on the grass. And you're thinking to yourself.........."I can avoid sweat if I dont play ball and I can avoid Hugh if I stay in this shade". Real smart huh? Then "Muggy" walks up and gives you a nice dap and hug right under that shed. Has you wondering why you wore those jeans in july. You have to keep tugging at yo' drawls 'cause he is making you walk so hard. He just takes the smile off your face. You are a man and you've just experienced Menopause messing wit "ole Muggy"!

You can't get around seeing "Hugh", "Muggy" and "Sweat" but as long as you hang wit nigga "A.C." and my other dude named "Ice", you'll be aight!

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"



"Retirement Luncheon"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.





E.R. aka Tuffy Roberson, is retiring from the Maryland Church League Wrestling Association this coming Thursday after-next. His sudden departure from the wrestling circuit is due to back spasms, and a case of suplexer's tummy, a chronic abdominal strain. Known as E.R. because he has sent many competitors to the Emergency Room, Tuffy wasn't short on talent or the knowledge of pressure points. He once forced a submission in two moves back in September of '85. He forced Big Duncan to faint, by simpling reversing a headlock into an Armpit of Disaster, by pressing three fingers on Duncan's armpit as he tried to apply Duncan's Headrest.

E.R.'s retirement luncheon will be held at Martin's Crosswinds on the Friday after this coming Monday. The cost will be $15.75 per person, this will cover the spare-rib dinner and gift for Tuffy. Reservations are made under Tuffy in the "Suplex Room", which is really the main room in the Crosswinds renamed for Tuffy's special occasion. Reservations can be made with Bernadette Stevens and Michelle Goings, at 301-455-3534. That is the number for the MCLWA's league office. Tuffy was quoted as saying "the one thing a man must change is that which another thinks he can't, because a half-nelson is not necessarily giving half-hearted, but might mean complete submission." Tuffy's partner, and nephew shown above at Dallas Demolition, Sito "Otis" Roberson, called Sito because of his knowledge of reversals, said "the key to Tuffy's success was simple, he feared losing, and if you wrastle with fear you will win, because eventually fear gets afraid too." For more info on this and other retirement luncheons, please check http://www.ebonyluncheons.com/retirements

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

News & Notes
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.





Francis "Franco" Ballot was cut from the Dupont Circle Skate Club last Tuesday. The team cited several reasons for the assistant coordinator of team spirit timely departure. It was believed that "Franco" was trying to incorporate props into the Skate Club's annual production of "Duck Duck Goose Me" the musical. There were allegations that Franco wanted to use gerbals and hamsters for the production's big finish. However, Trip Philson and Chris Kansas, were opposed to such a stunt. Needless to say they made a pickle over it. Franco Ballot was last seen in Fresh Fields buying a pack of organic hot dogs.




Dr. Willie Leak, seen above at the Home Schooled Dentist Conference, has decided not to press charges against an unknown woman, named Beulatese Finks, who alleges Dr. Willie leaked on her shoe outside a HSDC function last Tuesday. Dr. Willie was going to press charges against the alleged Finks for slander and farting up his reputation. Ms. Finks was not available for comment, but was recorded at the Boney James concert stating "I'll kick Dr. Willie in his willie the next time I see that lying rascal, gonna piss on me, who does he think he is?". Her good girlfriend Phyllis also said that Beulahtese won't press charges but might drop-kick the good Dr. if she sees him getting out that old Mercedes.



"Strictly Bidness"
By Salvador Gabor


Does making a lil money on the side interest you? How about the possibility of having multiple streams of income? What about being able to retire from your job? How about firing your boss? Well if these things sound good, UPH&RA may be the resource for you.

The Uptown Pimpin' Hustlin' & Robbin' Association is looking to branch out across the D.C. Area into parts of Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina as well. The UPH&RA, which was founded on 13th & Park Road in N.W. D.C. is an organization dedicated to giving constituents of Corporate America a chance to sell rocks, rob niggas, and get on this pimpin' during the after hours. Why come home and work in your garden when you can sell green on the streets? Why have intimate time with your wife, when you can help other women sell their bodies on the street? Your wife can wait a few hours.......surely she can. What about having your boss sign your check........then you turn around and rob him for his? Now that's a salary increase for ya!

Some of you will NEVER have another opportunity like this. Imagine sitting on the toilet and MAKING MONEY. I know some of you say, "There's no WAY you can make money sitting on a toilet?". Well if the Police come and you have to swallow some "product", sitting on the toilet may be your ONLY way of making that sell!

We have weekly meetings that rotate from 15th & Monroe to 14th & Kenyon all the way back to 13th & Park Road. We have also aligned ourselves with many Uptown Hispanic Gangs. We are looking to do a joint venture on "Knife Work as a tool for Self-Protection". Other topics such as "Private Business Receptions and/or Presentations to knewly acquired Whores, Crackheads and weed addicts". Real meaty topics and discussions will take place. Also on August 21, 2004, our VP of Sales, Henry "Bo-Skeeta" Johnson will discuss ideas for 2005 and will moderate breakout sessions for intermediate level pimps and pushers. Please register now for that event, which will be held at the Petworth Recreational Center on 8th & Taylor Streets, N.W.. This will truly be a blessed affair. Not often will you get a chance to be in the presence of a man such as "Bo-Skeeta". Come one, Come all, it's promised to be a grand affair.

You guys already know who to contact. Mrs. Ruby Taylor will be manning the lines. Call her at (301) 455-3534. If she is not available, ask for "Slim". Better know as "8-Track Slim".


This ad has been brought to you by, "Wet Willie and the Sensational Rat Tails". They are currently performing at "The Cicada Lounge" located on Southern Ave. and Wheeler Road.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Before you die"



We all gotta go. Face it, life dont last always. Im prepared for death. At least two people know my email password, so that if I die, they can continue to send out Sal's Corner. This stuff im talking about is priceless and lifelong. You can read this stuff in 2082 and still can apply it to your own life. (Yeah Im feeling myself a lil too much) But yeah, before you die you gotta LIVE LIFE. And here's what you do

*You gotta ride in the back of your own car before you die. Now some of us have been in the back of our car but thats ANOTHER STORY (if you know what I mean). But I mean, you in the back preferably by yourself with two people in the front. Ive done that and its great, I mean great. My homie was driving and whenever we got to where we got, I felt like a star getting out of the car. Even though the car is older than some of the readers of this article, it felt good. Riding shotgun in your own car is cool too. Especially when you see a person you know and they walk up to the car window. You can roll it down slightly and just talk crazy. Just play SO big.

*You gotta ride in a limo in a situation OTHER than a funeral or a wedding! Rent a limo for your birthday! Rent a limo cause you hit the number in the corner store for $100. Rent a limo if you getta pink slip on yo' job. Just rent one once

Sidebar: Dont you hate when people argue about who's gonna ride in or who shoulda rode in the family car at the funeral? Maybe its just me

*You gotta walk Butt-Naked in your house. I havent done this and cant come to grips with doing it but its so necessary. I dont even walk barefoot in my house so I know butt-naked is gonna be a major accomplishment for me. I just be scared that Im a bump into something and damage my goods. Ya know...........you might close the refrigerator door and close "yourself" in the door as well.

*Fellas, you gotta have a BAD female admiring you from afar. I mean she gotta have a mean crush on you and you not even know. I mean, SHE dont even know why, she just feelin you. I aint had that happen to me, but if any ladies feel that way about me..... sallimo@hotmail.com ....... Hit me! I would give you my cell phone but it might be cut off next week

Sidetip: Never save the number of a DC person under 25 in your phonebook. If they are truly DC resident and they are under 25 they dont keep phones long man!

*Ladies, you gotta have a man serenade you in front of your female friends. Notice I said "A MAN" not "Your man". That aint nothing to have YOUR man do it. When he is YOUR man he almost feel like he gotta do it. Sometimes YALL are the ones who plan it......"ok now honey, I want you to come in the beauty parlor at precisely 6:00 with the flowers. I should be under the dryer then, so I'll be in the back, just ask KIM or TANGY to come get me and i'll come out with a surprised look on my face"

*People, you gotta get married. Dont be 60 years old and be still having your friends hooking you up with their brothers/sisters. You cant even be intimate at that age without taking some pill that has you "on guard" for 36 HOURS!. When you get married at 60, Intimacy is standing close when taking pictures. The honeymoon is watching Family Feud.

*Last but not least you gotta accept Jesus Christ in ya life. Now there are Millions of religions. Im not pushing mines on anyone. We all have an open choice. So If you Muslim, a Jehovah's Witness, or you just religiously watch NFL Games on Sunday, take this one how you like it. I wont argue wit you about who is right and who is wrong. We can do it like Jeopardy, write down your own answer but in the end we will know. None of us are perfect but Jesus loves you despite all of that. Plus Southeast DC aint got nothing on the Heat in Hell!


What more can I say "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin". Im out like a homeless man's toe in a shoe.

Friday, August 06, 2004

"The Magical World of Lou Jackson"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.



Welcome boys and girls, niggas and ladies, to the first trip to the Magical World of Lou Jackson. Now sit down Indian-style and take it all in. Now don't forget to look both ways before crossing the street Marc grab Man-Man's hand before I get you both.

You might be wondering what is so magical about the world of Lou Jackson, it looks just like South Carolina. Well my friends, have you ever met a man with a pet squirrel, or a lady made out of chocolate, a real-live archangel or a wino who didn't dance. Put the music on, welcome welcome to the Magical World of Lou Jackson.

There was a man named Peephole Brooks. Now they called him Peephole because he claims to have invented the peep-hole but, Tommy Tammy's brother Tommy with the electric walker told me they started calling him that because he would stand so close to the peep-hole when he rang your doorbell, they just started calling him Peephole. Now old Peephole was an interesting man to say the least. He enjoyed boxed-wine, pickled herring, and actually prefered to eat fish-bait more than the fish itself. It was through his early morning fishing in Charleston, SC eating half-cooked chicken-livers that he met what would become his life-long friend, Rudy.

You see Rudy was a squirrel. Rudy came up to Peephole and asked him for some of them chicken-livers, "Say nigga what's up with a breakdown?" Peephole was shocked, not that the squirrel was talking to him, hell he heard squirrels all the time when he would sit in the woods and do his "potting". He was shocked that Rudy asked him for some BBQ sauce for them livers. They sat and they talked fished a little bit, and talked some more. Before they knew it Thursday had come and gone. Rudy, quite the avid jitterbugger, learned that Peephole was quite the harmonica player. Rudy could also do summersaults, and other flips on demand, well he was a squirrel, but his movement had a nigga-like rhythm to it.

It was at this very moment that the two figured they could make a living thru their friendship. I mean how often is it that you see a man with a pet squirrel, not to mention ole Rudy talks. So summer rolled around and they figured why not try out for the circus. The Dingaling Brothers Varnum and Vincent Circus always came around. They figured they would try-out for the circus, but the line was too long. There were all kinds of people in the line bearded old ladies, mustached young tramps, a lady made of chocolate named Coquinda but they called her Co-Co. There was even a white man named Ritz in the line with the butt of his pants cut out, telling racist jokes.

Needless to say the competition was stiff, so Rudy and Peephole thought of something different. They waited til the elephants were moving off stage during the show, and they ran onto the stage. Peephole on his harmonica, and Rudy doing his jitterbug, they even found a unicycle for Peephole and took turns on the harmonica. This nigga-squirrel combo took off like a rocket dipped in fishgrease. The Brothers Dingaling immediately signed them, and loved the way they ran out the crowd to perform. "It was sheer genious, like a combination of Albert Einstein and Sir Francis Dooling mashed into one potato".

Well that concludes this week's edition of the Magical World of Lou Jackson. Who knows what he will uncover next time. It's like a jungle some time it makes me wonder how Junebug hustles undercover.



"The Coca-Cola All-Stars"
By Salvador Gabor


The Rayful Edmonds'/Richard Porter "Traveling Coke All Stars", sponsored by Coca-Cola announced the captains for the starting line-up yesterday. Defensive coordinator Butch Reed, a Detroit native, announced that Linebacker Lawrence Taylor and Defensive End Dexter Manley would be Co-Captains for the defensive squad. "I needed older, wiser, veteran-like players to lead this defensive team".

On the offensive side, Alberto Martinez, the offensive coordinator decided that youth would be the way to go with choosing captains. Running Back Ricky Williams, who was traded from the "Garcia Vega GREEN Wave" was introduced as a Co-Captain on offense. But, in a SHOCKING move, newly acquired quarterback Quincy Carter was introduced as the second captain for the offensive squad.


Stay Tuned for more details on the upcoming "Traveling Coke All Stars" tour. For more info call Ruby Taylor at 301-455-3534

Thursday, August 05, 2004

"Personal Ads"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr





Hadji Williams is a lonely Leo looking for lost love. He is a 20yr old man of Afghanistan and CHV (Columbia Heights Village) discent. The son of a cab driver, Rashii, and a DMV specialist, Thomasina. Hadji does not discriminate when it comes to love. Affectionately known as "Young Vlade" Hadji has many interests and hobbies. He enjoys all kinds of secular music from Ice Cube to MC Ren to Reebie Jackson. He is currently working on his Bachelor's Degree and Yellow Cab Certificate, as shown above at the Cab Bee. Hadji won the Cab Bee this past spring, with accurate directions, and unequivacable knowledge of zoning, and how to maximize dime-snatching potential. With the most profitable route from Georgetown to Naylor Gardens Hadji captured the 2004 DC Cab Bee. Another hoeless romantic, Hadji enjoys icy walks around Tubman Elementary School, gas-station love, and baking heart-shpaed spoon-bread for his lover. To meet, greet, and freakfully treat Hadji or any of our other love-squirrels out there, please call (301) 455-3534. You can also sign up at http://www.ebonybunkmates.com

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Cookout Etiquette: Chapters 23-27
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.



Yeah I know Cookout Season has been in full swing for a little while now, but there are certain things that I have to get off my chest. As many of us in the 23-27 year old age group, we are in the changing age group as far as cookouts are concerned. It is kind of like when you stop sitting at the kiddie table at Thanksgiving but, it is so much deeper. Take a journey with me, but don't stray because this jungle is deep, and those vines might be alive.

Couples: Let me break this down in sections. You have many different types of couples who show up at cookouts, but allow me to focus in the specified age group. The big "hungry" girl and her boyfriend who loves her to death. Now I may have thrown you off with "hungry". This girl isn't hungry for ribs like Rodrick "the Ribbler" Tidwell aka "RibTips", she is hungry for love and/or lust. She is in the yard rubbernecking and look-a-whoing to the point, where her prey even knows, hell her man even knows. Have some etiquette about yourself Kanella, you could have left Craig at home if you are going to act like that.

There is the very attractive and/or not-so attractive girl with the overprotective dude. Oh man these guys are the worst. These fellas either know people are looking or THINK people are looking at their lady. The type of guy pressed to put his arm around his lady, not because he feels that strongly for his woman, but because he feels threatened or feels the need to show off his prized possession. Nigga clutch your Corvette, and stop tripping. Charnice went to school with Dewey and Keith, they just got more personality than you do.

Workers: Now in order for a cookout to be successful, someone must sacrifice and work at the cookout. Now many of us in the specified age range aren't really used to this. We are just getting accustomed to bringing beer to the party for strangers to consume. Now whether it's Bobby or Julian who gets on the grill, you must have had proper training. By proper training I mean, USE BBQ sauce. I have been to 2 cookouts hosted by people in my age group and neither had BBQ sauce. What is a BBQ without BBQ sauce? That is like having a pool party without a pool, a concert without Mystikal and only his mother singing songs next to the DJ booth. Now maybe I am serious about BBQ sauce, which I am, but we as the young up-and-coming grillers in Black Backyards Across America must step up to the plate, now I am not saying you have to make your own, but get that Sweet Baby Ray's.

The Bunk: Oh they arrive at different times, each group rationing off their influence in their specific time frame. The pretty girls arrive at different times. There is one group who is already there, and you think "hmm they got a few lookers". Surely they are to be outstaged by the 5 o'clock crew, they show up a little late, and they look better than the first. They steal Melissa and 'ems fire. However that 5 o'clock crew is followed by that 5:30 crew, now this is where it gets serious. Two groups of bad joints arriving at practically the same time, and please don't let there be a pool in the yard, if that is Shayla's bikini I see up under that skirt....

Now some of the bunk arrive with intentions of getting drunk. They might not bring beer, but there are certain polite members of bunk-mafia who will leave the cookout and bring back dranks (dranks is beer and liquor for those of you ignorant to the bunk). There are also some who will show up "drawnk". This is usually a threesome of the following, one wild dude who is gonna have you laughing, a nigga who is sleep, and another nigga just chilling to the highest level of chilling (A girl sometimes arrives with them, she is usually beatifully built and handles the arts and crafts of the construction paper).

There are many other people sitting in and outside the yard. Some for decoration and others with a purpose. Make sure you are aware of those things that go on at cookouts, whether they are Yuckmouth sitting on his car with the heat, or ole Tasha drunk off Smirnoff selling fish sandwiches. Cookout season is in full swing, and for any info please check www.ebonycookouts.com and call (301) 455-3534, ask for Niles or Ethel Womack.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Sal's Corner
"The Barbershop"


Everybody's been in a barbershop. Either that or you've seen the movie. But, I dont wanna talk about the "stereotypical" black barbershop stuff that we ALL know. Let's go a lil deeper.

* I know yall know that dude who asks for his hair to be cut like the dude wo just got up out the seat. "Yeah, make mines JUST like his". What he dont know is the other dude has a WAY better grain of hair than him. Forget all that "aint no such things as good hair". YES IT IS and that dude DOESNT have it. So why is he always tryna be like the dude who just got up out the chair

* The one dude who's hair looks the same as it did before he came in the shop. He ALWAYS is before you too. WASTING your time. But, sometimes he goes in the back room to get his haircut. Yall know, the old man that cuts all the old people haircuts. They in a whole nother room. Dude come back out and everybody be puzzled. "Did Mr. Utley EVEN he cut his joant this week?"

* The retarded kids bus that comes once every 3 months. All yall barbers, YALL ARE WRONG. Yall do them boys dirty. Run the clippers over their head ONE time. The "B.A. Baracus" joant. Looking like the "Mr. T fan club" when they walk out.

* The dude wit da pink bumps on the back of his neck. Look like stuck some bubble yum on his neck. His neck look like he just kept some gum back there for a few months, and he takes it off and chew it just to grab some of the flavor out of it every once and a while. Now I dont like getting my haircut after him. Unless you gotta smart barber. Your barber can be real slick wit it. He'll make "bubble tape neck" laugh. Laugh so much that he dont notice that the barber is changing clipper guards. Yeah he gotta whole different set of clippers for "Juicy Fruit".

* The lady who gets her neck faded. She SWARE she down wit da fellas. Just cause you be pressed to come in on Friday's and get your neck touched dont mean you trump tight wit da fellas. She jump in the convo and think she know the deal. Let me tell you something, go on and get your eye's lashed and you neck faded and get on. Always wanna bring the women's perspective. If I wanted that, I'd watch Oprah. This is grown men talk here.

* The dude who cant cut. He never has NO customers. No steady clientele. No nothing. He just reads "Ebony" all day. He can tell you the "top 10 couples of the year" since 1988. He can recite week by week the "JET" beauty of the weeks from the year 1991. And he be begging for work. Let a dude come in there and not know the deal and walk NEAR his seat........."I can getchu". Thats the sorry dude's favorite line "Come on over here and let me getchu". Not the kid I say.........NOT THE KID. I asked for an "even" and he giving out "cleveland's". I dont want no shag in the back! Where they do that at? I dont care if your barber aint there, keep it scraggly.

* The "Salesmen". See most of yall think of the dude who sells walkmen, kid's movies, CD's and video games. Everybody knows him. He's cool. But I aint talking bout him. Im talking bout the dude who sells PORNO's ONLY. Like.........for real........ if I was EVEN interested in buying one.......how I look buying one of them from you in FRONT of all these dudes in the shop? His best sales would be on the way OUT the shop. How I look holding a "Debbie does Dallas" DVD for an hour while im waiting on a cut. And you know when you buy something from the "Salesmen", everybody wanna look!

* The "Quiet" moment. This usually occurs when one of the following happens. 1) Somebody says something real stupid, 2) The dude who cant cut gets a customer, or 3) When somebody's GOOD-LOOKING Mamma comes in. All of a sudden the convo dont mean as much no more. Raise your hand if you want the mother to get up and personally instruct the barber on how to cut her son's hair?

* Last but not least....... "The African Dude". No, not like the movie where there was an African barber. Im talking about an African Patron. He comes in every week. Nobody knows where he came from or how he heard about the shop. He walks out every week and somebody asks "Who is that?" The barber at the end says "Oh.....that's my main man Muke', dude is cool, he dont say much but Muke' is cool." He think he fly too. He grabs the mirror like 10 times. Rubbing his chin, making faces in the mirror. He usually got on tight jeans and slide-ons wit no socks. DEFINITELY no neck fade. He either boxes the neck out or its a slight shag. Just a SLIGHT Shag people. Not quite "Randy Watson" but more "Lou Rawls". Lil fake coogi sweater, either that or a "members only" jacket. Whatever he's a member of, im a stay clear of that.


"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"