Tuesday, July 13, 2004

"Mr. Randolph's Fables: How the Wind Works"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

The following is an excerpt from one of Mr. Randolph's Fables. Mr. Randolph is an old man, who can be found on your major thorofare, or on his stoop. If you ask him for some news he will tell you some, but if you ask him for a story he will tell you one too.

One day Anthony, Mrs. Shepherd's youngest boy Herbie's son, walked up to Mr. Randolph and asked him a question, "Mr. Randolph, why is it so windy out here?" Mr. Randolph looked up at the sky and said, "Well many many years ago, there was an old man named Lavay and he asked that very same question."

Well you see Lavay was a man who often wondered about certain things from walking cats, and dyslexic catering (or catering to the dyslexic depending upon how you pose the question). Lavay wandered around for days on end scouring the streets questioning young and old as to why it is so windy. And a man (many believe to be Mr. Randolph, seeing as though he has been around and seen many things) told him that the wind winds, you see that is what the wind does....it winds. Crows crow and people people, and the wind well, it winds. he wind winds for many reasons. It makes sail boats go, it dries clothes. The things are called blowjobs, you see when the wind blows it is doing a job. You see when you work with many different jobs, those are oddjobs.

So Anthony wanted to know if when he cooled something off with hot sauce on it, what was that. Well Mr. Randolph told him it was a blowjob, and pretty much anything making wind was a blowjob. Anthony took his new-found learning and ran with it. He later caught his daddy drinking some pot-liquor off the greens from last night. Needless to say some flatulence followed. Young Anthony went and told his momma that his daddy was giving blowjobs. Anthony liked to have created a riot, Ms. Patricia thought she married a queer, til she caught wind of the blowing.

Anthony still gainfully new-knowledged was on his way to LeShon's surprise birthday party, and found LeShon's aunt Sonja and the birthday clown blowing up balloons on the side of the house. He goes in and tells Ralph, Sonja's boyfriend, "Yeah I saw Sonja outside giving a blowjob to the clown." Needless to say, ole Tommy the Clown didn't need any dark makeup that day.

Mr. Randolph says the moral of this story, is be careful which way the wind blows. Just because you smell or hear something doesn't necesarrily mean it is the wind blowing. You see hot air can be produced by many things, and artificial wind doesn't come from Chicago.

"News Report"
By Salvador Gabor

* Hubbard Cunningham won the "2004 Clovell Piece Prize" for his Wing Dinner Delicatessan served nice and hot from "Hubbard's HeartAttacks on a Plate", located on 125th & Amsterdam in Harlem, NY. The Clovell Piece Prize is an award given to the best chicken in the country served by soul food establishments. Not only did Hubbard win the trophy but, he also won free tickets to see "Madea's Class Reunion".

* The "Alvin ALLEY Project", a dance class for inner-city youth is now excepting applicants for its 2004 Fall Session. Alvin Alley, not to be confused with Alvin Ailey, is a refined "Tootsie Roll" dancer from the early 90's and is hear to challenge all parents. "PLEASE, let me teach your kid to Harlem Shake BEFORE they can read.............who cares if they can't say their ABC's, the Butterfly is WAY more important."

For More News and info on the Alvin Alley Project or how to win next year's Clovell Piece Prize, call (301)455-3534. Oh yes, ask for Roscoe, he'll direct your call.