Friday, July 16, 2004

"Announcements"
By Salvador Gabor
 
 
* Lenny "Big Boy" Dennis won the 2004 "Tore De Pants" title by splitting 16 pair of slacks in the crotch area over the course of the year 2004.  Lenny, now weighing at a sleek 262 lbs and wearing a size 48 in slacks took the title from Donald "Itchie" Taylor. They call him "Itchie" cause he is always scratching his inner leg. His 302 lb physique causes his thighs to rub.
 
* Hampton, Virginia drug dealer "Whoopie" Wilkins has left his post as an Assistant Heroin dealer on Rip Rap Road to pursue a position over in Newport News as an Ecstacy Sales Representative.  No word yet on the details of the new contract or the amount of the signing bonus.
 
* The National Urban Coalition for Inner-City Hygiene Up-Keep has announcement that the official age for use of arm deodorant has been dropped. The standard age was 8 1/2 - 9 years of age. With the increasing humid days and the activity level of play increasing with toddlers, the age has been dropped to 6 1/2 - 7 years old. It has been reported that children as early as 5 years old are using deodorant in states such as Louisiana and Mississippi
 
and.........
 
* On this day in 1972, Charles "Neo" Sporin stepped down from his post as Pastor of the 15th Baptist Glee Mession Church of God in Christ. It was reported that his "Laying of Hands" went too far. Sister McIntyre accused Reverend "Neo" of "rubbing on her too long". He quit as a pastor and invented his own rubbing cream.
 
 
For more info on these and other announcements call (301) 455-3534. Ask for "Shuckin Tim".