Monday, May 24, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Hygiene Tips"

It's hot outside. Plain and simple. The hotter it gets, the better you BETTER smell. In the cold, people aren't out much. When they are, they are rushing to get out of that cold. On top of all that, most of us have the "sniffles" and cant smell that funk if it's near. But, you better straighten up and fly right in this here summer!

* Baby Powder - This is optional. Baby Powder DOES make you feel a bit more fresh. But, when you put it on........if I can SEE the powder......such as it being on your neck or legs, just wipe that portion off. Powder is meant for the places we CAN'T and shouldn't see. If we can see the powder, that means you put too much. You don't need powder ALL on your neck. You downtown at lunch looking like you just left your part time job at BOJANGLES........... "Girl you gotta put your ELBOW in dem biscuits!!".

* Socks and shorts - OK old men, maybe YOU need some powder in YOUR shoes instead of wearing socks with Khaki shorts. You don't want your feet to stink but I don't need you looking like you getting ready to play Women's Volleyball either.

* Women and shorts - Ladies I know sometimes yall wanna relax. You may not have the proper relaxing gear. You might go out and want to change into something else. You may get dirty and want to throw on some of our gym shorts. But don't make us force you to keep the shorts once you are done. Sometimes yall sweat out our shorts and when you give them back, all we need is some bread and tarter sauce to make the "Fish Sandwich" complete.

* Deodorant - We're not gonna stay on this one long. I feel if you aren't homeless and you call yourself a sane individual then, I assume that you use some sort of deodorant. Well just make sure if you have on a tank-top, cut-off tee or a blouse that exposes your whole arm, use roll-on deodorant. That crumbly deodorant is seasonal. All that white residue leaves yall arms look like old jean pockets. You might find lint, cotton balls or an old receipt from the "Great American Buffet" under there.

* Undershirts - This is angled to the fellas. You NEED undershirts. Sometimes tank-tops don't do it. If that white shirt is too thin, your back will be showing once that sweat starts in this heat. That white-tee becomes sheer in 90 degree weather. The undershirt maintains the form of your shirt along with capturing the majority of the sweat. Now, we are not gonna even talk when you are dressed up! PLEASE don't wear dress shirts without some form of an undershirt.

* Candy - The most sure way to clear up bad breath is simply a better diet. Bad breath comes from within. But, a short remedy is candies. Mints, gum, lollipops, etc. can give you an instant sweetness when you talk. In the summer you run from cookout to cookout. You leave one and go to another. People can't even focus on you and what you are saying. All the person can hear is that bag of onions coming up from your throat.

* Bathing - (I gotta BOLD this WHOLE SECTION). Im dead serious on this one. I heard something the other day that I haven't heard in some time now. I heard an ADULT say, "Im gonna take a bath tonight so I aint gotta take one in the mornin'". WHAT!!!!!!!!!! Lemme tell yall something. A bath/shower at night does not suffice for tomorrow.'s a new day! That shower on 6/1/04 don't mean nothing for 6/2/04. I take showers in the morning AND at night. The morning shower makes me straight for the rest of my day and the night shower makes my sleep more comfortable. If I DON'T take one at night, it's cause I wasn't moving too much that day or I took my first shower very late (Day off from work). But BEST believe, I aint leaving the house for WORK without showering. Yall ought to be ASHAMED of yall selves. Putting on your "good" clothes and you AINT EVEN put no soap on your "tater". "WASHUPS" do NOT count baby! Wiping that ole rag on your face, ears, underarms and between yo' legs aint it playboy. You got to hit that water for real playa! In the summer, I might take 2 showers AND a "Washup". Im a grown man. It's gets funky out chere. That "take a bath at night for tomorrow" is for kindergarteners. When you turn about 8 and you start getting musty...........and Mom's says it's time to start using deodorant..........that "take a bath at night for tomorrow" stuff is gone out the window.

These are just a few good tips needed for all you "too grown to be funky" people out here.

A Good Hoodrat
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

Salutations all, I hope every one is doing well on this glorious day. As many of you know, I am an attorney in Washington, DC and in my life, I must say that I have been privileged to have many experiences that many can only dream of. I grew up in the "hood" but, I have risen above the obstacles that have made many others stumble. I have shaken the hands of Presidents, Congressmen, and Judges. I have broken bread with famous celebrities and I have traveled the world. I have dated beautiful women, many of whom are considered to be in the "upper echelon" of society. In my dealings with these so-called "high class" women, I have learned a very important life lesson. For all the glitz and glamour that comes with these women, I realized that I need a good "hoodrat". You see, you can take me out the hood, but you sure can't take the hood out of me. So fellas, find yourself a good hoodrat and embrace her "hoodratness." The benefits of a good hoodrat are endless. Let's discuss...

A good hoodrat brings her own liquor and weed to the party.

A good hoodrat keeps a shank on her at all times (and knows how to use it).

A good hoodrat knows how to make a mean bowl of grits.

A good hoodrat always has a Phillie blunt in her purse just in case somebody has some weed.

A good hoodrat knows how to drive a Lincoln Town Car, Cadillac Seville, or Caprice Classic (and don't need no help parallel parking).

A good hoodrat has a good government job or she works for a law firm downtown.

A good hoodrat is always down for some hot, rough sex as long as she ain't on her period.

A good hoodrat will buy you something every time she goes to the mall.

A good hoodrat knows what to get you from the carry out without asking.

A good hoodrat only has ONE "Baby daddy" if she has kids.

A good hoodrat pays her rent on time.

A good hoodrat did at least two semesters at community college or graduated from UDC.

A good hoodrat will treat her nigga to a meal at Barn Side at 3:00 in the morning.

A good hoodrat has a value pack of Blow Pops in her kitchen right now.

A good hoodrat hasn't seen you in days when the police come looking.

A good hoodrat tries to hook your boys up with her girlfriends.

A good hoodrat keeps a fifth of Remy on chill for you.

A good hoodrat goes to church at least once a month.

A good hoodrat doesn't think she is fat (she knows that she is PHAT to death).

A good hoodrat keeps a pack of Juicy Fruit in her purse.

A good hoodrat can play some spades.

A good hoodrat can cornrow a nigga whole head in 10 minutes flat.

A good hoodrat watches Wheel of Fortune.

A good hoodrat knows all the words to 2Pac's "All Eyez on Me" and Scarface's "The Diary"

A good hoodrat has good credit.

A good hoodrat used to have a Sprint phone but switched to Verizon so she can talk while she is on the Metro.

A good hoodrat is trying to move to "Murrland". (Don't leave, The City needs you.)

A good hoodrat has a few stretch marks.

A good hoodrat still has a scar from a childhood catfight.

A good hoodrat loves going to a Cabaret.

A good hoodrat will hold her man down when times are tough.

A good hoodrat has had both long braids and "straw curls" at one point in her life.

A good hoodrat ain't ashamed to shop at Discount Mart (Me neither, boo).

A good hoodrat always calls her man, "My boo __________."

A good hoodrat know how to treat her man in the bedroom.

A good hoodrat stays getting her nails done (A REAL GOOD hoodrat only gets a French manicure).

A good hoodrat might get in a pool but if you get her hair wet, she is beefing!

A good hoodrat loves her Mama to death.

A good hoodrat still has a boom box.

A good hoodrat has a bag of "David" Sunflower seeds on her dresser right now.

A good hoodrat orders chicken fingers at every restaurant!

A good hoodrat loved Jodeci and thought BoyzIIMen was too soft.

A good hoodrat at one time owned a pair of red loafers.

A good hoodrat always looks GOOD in a pair of tight jeans.

A good hoodrat wraps her hair at night in her brothers dingy old bandana.

A good hoodrat wears her house shoes to the corner store on occasion (Me too, boo).

A good hoodrat smacks her lips and starts her sentence with "Giirrrrrllll...." when you ask her what she did last night, while sitting on her porch on the phone with the extra long cord so it can reach outside, wearing that dingy bandana and her house shoes.

A good hoodrat is love.

I love hoodrats.