Friday, March 12, 2004

"The Underworld that is Metro"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

I often notice certain things while on the Metro. Some good some bad, some just down right hivarious. Today we will look at Metro's Comfort Zone, and the Attention Seekers. Follow me if you will, watch out for that gum, dont wanna mess your shoes.

It is a psychological fact that people have Comfort Zones, i.e. personal space. We as black people (mixed, and pigmently challenged folks learn something) dont like people we dont know, and some people we do know too close to us. If we are carrying on a convo, that doesnt mean you need to be 3 feet in front of me. Back up and project your voice, if your throat me.

In certain situations our Comfort Zone's change, for instance when we are on the train our Comfort Zone changes. I may change from 5-8 feet to "as long as this nigga dont bump me with this rolling backpack" or "as long this niggas hand dont touch mine while I am holding the rail". However just because the Comfort Zone gets smaller, that does not entitle folks to certain privileges.

Dont stand real close to me if the train aint crowded, there is just no cause for this. I'm jive a big dude, but I dont take up 2 seats, so if you plan on sitting next to me, angle your butt so it doesnt hit my shoulder, thank you. People who wedge themselves, dont sit so close to the wedged person that you look intimately close, respect the rules of the Underworld, and scoot yourself. Big people, Big people, where do I begin, you know like I know alot of you need a seat to yourself. If this were United Airlines you would pay a double-fare. Dont think to sit next to an above-average sized person. You better stand and suffer!

Attention Seekers: You people with your walkmen too loud. you know who you are. Now most attention seekers are teenagers, or big women, or DC Government workers. Big women just on there running their mouth talking about gossip, what happened on American Idol, or their love life. I dont need to hear that before 10am.

DC Government workers, especially Library of Congress, talk about the job-site. Oh and they use profanity, a ride next to them will definitely enlighten you on office ongoings with this Negrographic Narratives.

Teenagers: I know the youth need attention, but young fellas stop all this dancing on the train. I am only 24, but when I was coming up, young niggas werent doing all this dancing. All that "beating-your-feet" is not appropriate. When we were coming up, we just cussed on the train, or felt up the young ladies, but all this dancing, and female profanity is setting a bad base for the adolescents.

The train is a secret society with it's own rules and regulations, different social classes, and guilds. There is always something to behold on the red, blue, green or gold.
Watch your step when it is wet and cold,
especially when it's hot and the pre-teens are so bold,
cussing around ladies so old.
Understand the train and it's caste system,
but dont run for the train in that cast sista,
Aint nothing cute about bad train behavior,
whether it be a trip, slip or booger in your nose, nothing can save ya.

Auto Report
by Salvador Gabor

In September of 2003, the 2004 Models came out for us to gasp in amazement about. Cars such as the 2004 BMW 745 il, The 2004 Cadillac Escalade, the 2004 Mercedes Benz Maybach, and several other cars of this magnitude. Even if you are not looking in a magazine, at a music video or outside a club, you are STILL bound to see these cars. The bad thing about them is that they are expensive and although they are pricey, it may be hard to purchase a car like this because of the limited stock (in the case of the Maybach). We here at the Salvador Gabor Project encourage individuality, uniqueness and the broadening of horizons. Who needs an Escalade when you have this...........

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the 1987 Ford Econoline. What nigga can get wit you if you pull up to the club with this. This is the ULTIMATE in Country/Over 60/AAU Basketball Luxury. Coaches, Old men who take people home at the grocery store and women who serve in the Church's Sick & Shut-in Ministry would LOVE to have one of these.

The Ford Econoline is a state of the art fully-loaded Van, suitable for an age and sits up to 7 Adults. Have you ever sat on the third row of a van, eating mashed up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (You know.........the kind that sticks to the roof of your mouth), a pack of pecan swirls and an orange soda (no not Sunkist but Fanta!)? Or how about some good home-cooked fish with a jug of hot sauce from Murry's? This is good eating and good traveling that can only be experienced in a 1987 Ford Econoline.

This Van does not have leather seats. FOR WHAT? So you can hop in on a hot day and be stuck to the seat! There is a nice suedish cloth to lay upon while driving or riding. Shoot, for $3,995, you cant beat that. Also, there is a 3 X 5 Television mounted in the top of the van. Now if you are driving through areas such as Gaston, NC you may not get good reception but thats ok dont worry about that at all. Also there is a tape player. The van comes with complimentary tapes from artists such as Al Green, Johhnie Taylor and gospel group.....The Canton Spirituals.

Lenny & Cat-Eye's Auto Driver rank this vehicle as the best Van for under $4,000. I dont see a better $4,000 investment than this. And if you act now, you have and unlimited warranty covered by "Basehead Bill" who is the grease monkey mechanic over on 58th & Blaine streets in N.E. He will fix anything wrong with this car for $10. You know niggas gotta get high mayne!