Monday, March 22, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Pretty Girls

Disclaimer: The phrase "Pretty Girls" maybe replaced with the phrase "Bad Joants" throughout this article. Some guys call females different things, I call em "joants" from time to time. Might refer to a female as "slim", dont get offended please its all in humor.

"Bad Joants".......Every dude wants "Bad Joants" and Every dude claims he GOT "Bad Joants". So I asked myself.....what is a "Bad Joant"? Let's talk about "Bad Joants". Who they are, how you can spot them and their tendencies. Now some of yall women are reading this article like "Im glad he finally talked about me!". Girl you know you aint cute!!! Sike naw moving along........

* You know she is a "Bad Joant" when you walk in a room with her and the females stop and look. Females are hard judges. They tryna find the slightest thing to down the next "joant". If one ankle is bigger than the other, they knocking her down a notch. So when a female just STOPS and is speechless at another "Joant", that "joant" is tough!

* Fellas you gotta "bad joant" when your mans and em tell another dude that you gotta "bad joant" and you bump into THAT dude in the street and he is like "Yeah I heard you got it poppin wit a winner!!!"

* She's a "bad joant" when you walk into a restaurant with her and alias dudes just start knodding their heads at you outta respect. In their minds its ONLY 3 things they can say.....1) How
did HE get HER? 2) How can I get HER? and/or 3) I RESPECT what he's doing up in here!

* "Bad Joants" drink alot of bottled water. Sit back and watch fellas, MOST "bad joants" drink bottled water throughout the day. Now see....I shouldnt have told the ladies this, cause some of yall ugly ones gonna be rushing home to pour some tap water into that Jelly Jar so you can be walking around the office like somebody think you cute.

* Just cause you get big "play" at work dont mean you are a "bad joant". If we see you enough, you may begin to look better and better.

* "Pretty Girls" keep it laid back. If it's a man that she likes, if he doesnt pursue, she is gonna chill. She KNOWS its another guy bound to come along and muster up the courage.

* Females, Im a tell yall another male secret. if you TRULY are a "bad joant" let me tell you......We be knowing yall names and whole info WAY before we are officially introduced to yall. We meet yall officially for the first time and have the nerve to be like "Oh ok so your name is Keisha? Nice to meet you Keisha. Where do you work?" The whole time you KNEW ALREADY that she is a data entry clerk down at the Department of Commerce, she make $15.75/hr, she drives a Maxima and her boyfriend is locked up on a Weapons Charge.

That's all my time for now. Im pretty sure there is gonna be a "Pretty Girls" pt. 2. Its almost certain! But for now... "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin". Before I forget please go and check out "Sweet Erin's Pepper Grill" in Ft. Washington, MD. The best selection of Cakes, Pies and Chocolates in the D.C. Area. We will have a full page ad for his store later in the week.

“Ahhh, it’s spring again, everybody knows it’s spring again”-Biz Markie
-By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

The Distinguished Gartelle W. Sexton, Esq. is back just in time. Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. Time to put away the sweaters and boots and break out the windbreakers. No more groups of women downtown standing in a circle trying to keep warm on a cigarette break. The smell of April showers, flowers, and bar-b-q ribs will soon fill the air. Cookouts and sundresses, pool parties and booty shorts. But remember to DUCK! The youngsters will be out again and you know how they been trying to kill each other all winter.

So ladies her are a few things to remember for changing of the seasons:

Go get a pedicure. Not now, but right now. Don’t wait until the last minute to get your feet did. Some of y’all have been letting your toes hibernate all winter. You gots to keep your foot game on point year round. Y’all gonna wanna wear the open toes and strappy sandals as soon as possible, so you gotta rehab your feet first. Nobody wants to see your feet if they look like you been digging oil pipeline tunnels with your feet over in Iraq.

If you still wear Reebok Princesses (or 5411’s depending on where you're from) that’s cool, but if they ain’t fresh, get ‘em outta here. Donate them things to the homeless. It’s bad enough you haven’t outgrown them, but if you gonna wear them, they can’t look like soggy bread.

Your nails. Now ladies, sometimes I like when it y’all wear them natural. No polish or nothing, as long as they are neat and clean. But if you are gonna get your nails done, keep it simple. French tips or a BASIC color. Period. There are no exceptions. No green or neon orange nails, no wild designs. No man wants a woman who looks like she had her fingers tye-dyed at summer camp.

Ladies, get rid of all animal print dresses. I know a lot of animals died at the Zoo this winter but all I can think of is Cheetos! when I see you.

If your shins look like people been putting out their cigarettes on them, wear pants.

Sheer anything is not acceptable in the workplace.

Those colorful Louis Vitton purses. Get rid of them. I hated them last summer and I will hate them again. Y'all spent $500 on an ugly purse that doesn't match anything except a box of Crayolas and you women are so fickle that they won't even be "in style" this spring/summer. They look like they were inspired by a fourth grade Lite Brite art project.

So ladies follow these rules and your spring and summer will get off to a great start. Now to each his own and most importantly you should always do you. You know that us brothers will be on our lunchbreak enjoying the view that is you, so when in doubt about your attire, remember, wearing something tight is always a good option, unless you have more girth than it's worth.

Fellas, don't think I forgot about you.

To all you brothers that wore Durango boots to work during the winter. Cease and desist. Put them John Wayne boots away, forever.

You have never been to China and you barely even go to Chinatown, so no more Chinese collared shirts in the '04. If Yao Ming doesn't wear them, why should you?

Sandals. This is a sensitve subject. Now personally, I don't do sandals. My feets gotta be fully surrounded at all times. I came up in the hood, and I did some running from the police in my day. Can't run from the bodines and lose a sandal. Go to jail wearing some sandals, it's gonna be a long night in 6D. Now a lotta brothers in the older generation prefer sandals when the weather gets warm. I can respect that. Just not my thing. But just like I told the ladies, get a pedicure. Yeah I said it fellas, if you gonna wear sandals get your feet taken care of. If you insist on showcasing your ugly feet, go with your lady to Lee's Nails and let Hyun Kim hook you up for $14.95. At minimum get put some cocoa butter or vaseline on you feet.

Short sleeved dress shirt and a tie, aka "The Medgar Evers" or "MP:The Counselor" look: This should not occur. You are not a Southern Baptist Minister in the Civil Rights Movement, this is not a good look for you, or anyone else for that matter. I understand its hot outside and you want to let your forearms breathe, but to say it point blank, this just ain't cool. Short sleeved dress shirts shouldn't even exist, much less be worn by a Black man. The only place you can even find a short sleeved dress shirt is at Zayres. Now when is the last time you seen a Zayres?

Linen. Now this a tricky one. I like linen. But your linen 'fits must MATCH. And brothers, unless you are in Trindad for Sinbad's Soul Festival, peach, yellow, and orange colored slack are unacceptable. Colorful linen belongs on your dining room table.

Now I'm all about supporting Black business. Shooters, Hobo, We R One, etc. is all good with me. I wear some of their stuff. But if you gonna wear the urban gear, NO MORE GLITTER shirts or headbands. Fellas, glitter is for pre-school arts and crafts, and that truck nosed stripper at the Skylark.

Let's take it down a notch on the throwbacks this summer. I know this won't happen cuz some of y'all couldn't afford an official throwback last summer and been saving up all winter for that 4XL Walt Frazier Kindergarten team throwback jersey. Throwbacks are so 106 & Park now. Kneegrows sure know how to take a fashion trend and over do it.

Wife beaters. Unless you at the pool or y'all opened the fire hyrant around the way, put a tee on over top your wife beater. I hate seeing kneegrows on the Metro with only a wife beater on, all sweaty and stankin. I never know if he just finished fighting or if he didn't finished getting dressed.

White tees are a staple for a hot spring/summer day. Invest. Holla @ Sallimo, he'll hook you up with some fresh white tees. One for $8, three for $24.

Fellas, step ya game up this spring. Comfort and class are the key words this year. They will take you very far and the ladies will treat you like a star. You'll get some comfort and some ___ if you get my meaning gentlemen.

This PSA was sponsored by B.A.M.M.A.S., the Bureau Against Making Malicious Attire Selections.