Monday, February 09, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Where you WONT find your mate"

It is t-minus 5 days till Valentine's Day. This will be an eerie week for many. This is the week that you find out whats really going on with the one you like/love. I try to focus on the humor of male/female relationships cause thats exactly what it is.......FUNNY. People kill me with their relationship problems or what they THINK are problems. Just be you and trust that your partner and doing whats best for them and it'll be aight. But for those who are single and looking, let me spare you some time wasted.

*Fellas, you will NOT find your wife/future mate at the movies. If she at the movies, she's bunned up wit her boo. If she is mobbed up with her homegirls, she is not cool. Cut and straight to the point. Females worthy of your time go to the movies with guys or they wait for the DVD. PERIOD. EVEN if a girl DID go without a date, she's NOT going to the "HOT SPOT" theatres. Fellas we like to be seen when we wit da homies, females dont. If a group of females go to the movies, they are gonna keep it very low-key. So they got to a theatre where they dont even show alot of black movies. So if you got to see Barbershop or the next "2 can play that Best Man game of Delivering us from Eva" movie just go for the laughs and not for the ladies.

*Ladies, you will NOT find you husband/future mate at church. YES this is a shocker. Cause we all say the good men are in church. Grandma been trying to get you to drop that boy that hangs on the southside for 2 years and come on to church and meet Deacon Bailey's son. Well guess what........I go to church EVERY sunday and when I check my voicemail all I have is a bunch of calls from my homies! I dont have women banging my door down. See the reason why you wont find em in church is because yall are too picky. Let me say "SIKE" before I get a barrage of emails. But SERIOUSLY, dont go to church looking for a man and for God's sake stop praying for a man. Yall taking up all of God's time with these "I need a good man" prayers. Then that makes me gotta wait in line for my more important "Wuz up wit helpin me BLOW UP when you get a chance GOD" Prayers. God said in is word he would provide a man for you. "It is not good for man to be alone". So that means just get yourself right and he will come.

*Fellas, you will NOT find you wife/future mate at the club! AWW man I mean if I could just get that through the heads of some of yall dudes, my purpose for life would be complete. I wont even speak on this any further.

Sidetip: Ladies you MIGHT just find your husband in the club though. Sounds strange cause I JUST said fellas wont find their wife there but if you look cute and you draw enough attention, you might reel in a Washington Redskin or a Wizard. Lord knows their minds aint on the sport they play so its a shot.

*Ladies, you will NOT find your husband in the STREET! He might be your boyfriend in the street but thats about it. Let me restate that.......Ladies you SHOULDNT find your husband in the street. But yall love them hustlers. Aint nothing like holding crack in a Dooney & Burke bag for your man, now is it? Aint nothing like a 1/8 of a "key" taped to your ribs on a greyhound bus headed to Raleigh, NC now is it? I know guys who hang in the street and "do their thing" but most of them arent married and dont wanna get married till they finish in the street. Cause its immature to be honest. You have no benefits, no days off, and no way off gaining ownership of assets such as property and vehicles. I know you get tired of putting all his motorcycles and 4-wheelers in your name dont you?

*Ladies AND Gentlemen (clearing my throat), you will NOT (I repeat), you will NOT find your mate on the internet!!! Now I admit, you MIGHT can find one on there cause one of my dearest relatives found her husband on there but thats ONCE in a MILLION! Hold up.......Aight let me tell yall a TRUE STORY. Just to prove my point a bit, I will dig into my own life. Im bout to get real personal. I met this girl on a chat line back when I was like 19. (True Story).......Now she was COOLER than COOL. She even went to school wit my first cousin and he said she was cool. We rappin and rappin and rappin. (Did I mention this is TRUE?) Im digging this girl. To the point where I would come in the house and ask moms if SHE called. So one day she really wants to meet me. I say cool beans. She's at work on a saturday so I go drive to her place of employment (This is all fact man). She tells me on the phone "I have braids, and I will have on some old capri pants, I gotta move some stuff today so im looking kinda rough". So im like "cool". I pull up to the job right.....walk in the building. What do I see........A TOUGH female, I mean the TOUGHEST of the TOUGH. Guess what? (True story) She had braids and some old capri's on!!!! Now I dont shoot dice but I thought I had hit my number. (Let me say that again).....I THOUGHT I had hit my number. Im like "Are you blah blah blah?". She says "No im not blah blah blah, but blah blah blah will be right back". I KNEW I shoulda rolled out RIGHT then yall. I couldnt have been TWO tough joants wit braids and old capri's on at the same job on the same day mayne! Yall dont hear me, I shoulda rolled. But the dude stayed. Yeah I did. Waited 10 minutes and there she was. But now I saw her from deep before she saw me or before the tough joant that I met FIRST could point me out. But I stayed yall. Yeah I did. I walked up on her and she wasnt my type. All yall out there who know me know I aint gotta particular type but when my type walk by, yall know my type. Guess What? SHE WASNT IT. We talked for about 10 minutes and I skated. She called a few days later and she knew the deal. She said "I dont think you like what you saw". In my mind I was like "I dont think you will like what I really wanna say". We never talked again. But it was my fault being pressed and jumping the gun.

Sidebar: Shout out to my cousin who COULDA told his boy that she wasnt all that. Whats that about?

My point of this whole thing is to say cant be happy in a relationship until you find happiness in being single. Find happiness in the state that you are in NOW. The singles always wanna be in a relationship, people in relationships always wanna be married, married people wanna get divorced, divorced wanna get married again and if that dont work then ya turn gay. Just love yourself. If aint nobody asked you out, take yo'self out. "Table for 1 please" up in this piece. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin". Get at me.

And now..........

"This day in Nigga History"
by Salvador Gabor

This day in nigga history is brought to you by Lil Joe's Hog Shack, known for its famous "Scrapple and Batter Bread" sammiches. Hmmmmm GOOD!

On this day in 1985, Louis Alexander Streeter retired from active duty with the National Organization for Grandfathers who Tuck their T-Shirts in their Drawls Association. The NOGTTDA was started in 1940 by Lester Patterson in Greensville, SC. Louis took over the position of president in 1960 when Lester got tired of wearing undershirts altogether and resorted to just wearing a button down with no under garment shirt. As a result, Lester was asked to step down from his position and more importantly he never raised his arms above his head again because he had constant sweat spots under his arms and on his back. His white dress shirts began to look beige because he had no under shirt and he was exposed and forced to leave the organization

At this point Louis was appointed as the Chairman/President of the NOGTTDA. In his 25 years of service he made sure that all members were exposed to the best in brief that had extra elastic to keep their undershirts safely tucked away. He expressed his support for Hanes drawls over Fruit of the Loom in several campaigns. He said "I'd rather where some drawls that Michael Jordan wears than a bunch of FRUITS.....I dont even like FRUIT, if Eveline cooks some squash thats all I needs".

But on this day in 1985, Louis reluctantly retired as Chairman/President of NOGTTDA. At age 81, he had trouble tucking his shirt in his boxers. He invested in undershirts that snap at the testicle area. He was caught wearing these kinds of shirts when he went to the public stall at the DC Dodgeball Championship Finals held in friendly confines of Barry Farms. When he went to the public urinal another NOGTTDA noticed the "all in one snap at the nuts" shirt and reported it to the NOGTTDA Board of Directors. They had a brief conference with Louis and he decided that it was time to call it quits.

Louis only lived for another year and a half but went on to start another club called the Straw Hats, Silk Shirts and Khaki Short Pants Club before he laid his head down for eternal rest. "Lil Joe's Hog Shack" honors Louis Alexander Streeter.