Monday, February 23, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Potent Rules for the Public Restroom"

When I was little, I didnt use the bathroom NOWHERE but 2830 6th St. One time I held my "peace" all the way from Chester, PA to DC. I would get the secretary at my elementary school to send me home because I had a "headache" but the whole time I need to talk to dat stool. When I got to school my freshman year in college, I found out that many people dont like using other restrooms than their own. One friend said he was holding his until Thanksgiving. I had similar feelings until I ate the waffles in the Cafeteria my first day down there. WOOOO. If you aint had Virginia Hall-Cleveland Hall Breakfast, you aint had your Colon cleansed. Even the thought of that place makes my stomach rumble. So I ate the breakfast in there that day and as soon as I got back to my dorm, I had to hit that commode QUICKLY. I mean my parents hadnt even LEFT yet and I was already getting "adjusted" to college life. But I had RARELY used another stool. So over the last 6 or 7 years I have had to learn the "Potent Rules for the Public Restroom" aka "The 10 CRACK Commandments"

Sidetip: Most of these rules wont apply to urination. We wanna focus more on the other method.

#1 Try not to urinate in a stall right next to another man. Men next to each other in stalls are like men next to each other in the movies. We need space. If its only two urinals, go in a closed stall to urinate.

#2 Teach your son how to urinate with his pants up. I hate coming in the restroom and seeing some 8-year old boy with his pants all the way down to his Jordan's. If he old enough not to be pee'n his pants, he's old enough to aim for the urinal without hitting his slacks.

#3 (Now to the real talk at hand) If you have to "do the number 2", wait till the restroom is empty. If its occupied, act like you came in to check out that bump on your face. Get into the act. Really seem like you are frustrated with that acne problem. As soon as that guy washes his hands (he betta), you take a straight line to the stall.

#4 Space. As in the urinal use, space is needed in stalls. If you have to go in NOW, do that but make some space. I dont like to see somebody's Johnston and Murphy's sliding around next to me.

#5 Dont talk to someone while they are on the stool or while you are on the stool. We all do the number 2 but we act like no one else does but us. We all do but I dont need to know its you. If Im washing my hands and I see your flightposites under that stall I wont even say nothing.

Sidebar: using the restroom in college was tough. Cause all of us DC dudes wore funny shoes. So if Im the only DC dude on that floor, and they see them gold flightposites, the process of elimination is a mutha!

#6 If someone comes in while you are by yourself, halt your process. Nothing is worst than that big "bloop" sound of your turd splashing in the water when another person is in there

#7 Oh did I mention wiping the stool down. Yall just nasty. Yall just gonna let me go thru 6 rules before we mention this one. Paper towels, napkins, tissue, spray.......WHATEVER just wax on and wax off. When I used the dorm restrooms, you'd a thought I was packing for Cancun. I had big boxes and bags wit me going to the restroom.

#8 Wipe till its white. Thats right, dont get up till you done wiped and its bleeding. In African countries, some of the people eat the right foods to the point where they dont need to clean once they had a bowel movement. They just get up. I dont care if I ate 16 Squash and 27 Okra's a day, Im a wipe mines down, ya hear me. Sike naw, clean yourself though. Cause if you go back to your desk and your anal area is feeling like a swamp, you might just have to GO BACK to the restroom.

Sidebar: Fellas, if you married and your wife washes your drawls, dont throw them dirttrack drawls in the laundry. If you caught some of that swamp action earlier in the day, just tell her "Honey I got this load"

#9 Wash your hands. Its just the right thing to do. Ive seen people go in a stall, NO wipe down, no the do and walk straight out. I mean first off, you aint even wipe the stool before you sat yout tater on it. Dont yall watch BET? I know I told yall not to watch it a few weeks a go but for GOD's sake, RAP IT UP! Secondly you walk right out and touched the door. Now let me tell yall something. AINT NO USE IN YOU WASHING YOUR HANDS, THROWING THE TOWEL AWAY and THEN TOUCHING THE DOOR. Cause somebody done did the "no wipe no wash" and touched that door and they just erased your whole reason for washing. Just wash your hands, grab a towel and use the towel to open the door. Sorta like opening the oven. Then when you get out the door, put the paper towel in the nearest trash bin.

#10 Act like you aint just dropped a load when you get back to the setting you were in. I know it was times that I been gone so long, my boss think im on a lunch break. If you are at work, go to the snack machine and grab something or come back to your cubicle like you went out of the building for a second and say "Its sure cold outside today". If you in someone else's house just say "You have a nice bathroom, I really like the decorations, I was just in there-a-lookin"

Hey yall, its been fun. Dont try to use none of these rules if im around either. Im a point you out too! "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Interview With Ricardo "Shake em up" Baker
by Salvador Gabor

I recently gotta chance to catch up with one of the major players in the underworld sport of Dice Shooting. This is a sport not shown on ESPN or Comcast Sports or ABC. Its a sport of character, pride, skill and most of all MONEY! This game has been played for decades by drug dealers, pushers, pimps and local neighborhood thoroughbreds that are respected on a citywide and nationwide level.
Ricardo Baker happens to be a top notch "shaker" in this game. "Shake em up" or "Shake em" has been involved in Dice Shooting for quite some time. From the age of 7, back when he was the look out for Police and all the way up to now at 23 where he "Kings" the dice games by when hundreds and thousands of dollars Ricardo has risen up the ranks to be the most deadly man with two to three dice in his hand in all of Uptown D.C and parts of Southwest D.C.

Salvador Gabor: Rick, its good to see you man

Ricardo Baker: Aww man same here, last time I saw ya, you almost knocked over the pile of money I had on the sidewalk

SG: yeah I was going in the store to get some pecan swirls. I aint mean to step over yall game

RB: (Laughs) Yeah I get them pecan swirls sometimes when I know Im a be out slangin these rocks real late.

SG: So first off, how's the arm doing? I heard you had a lil elbow trouble

RB: Its nothing! Doctor said I tore some ligaments in my elbow shooting all them dice. I may need "Tommy John's" Surgery so I can get the "spin" back on my shot. Nahmean! Its nothing though, Still out chere taking all these niggas' money

SG: Ok thats good to here. Whats up for the new Dice "Season"

RB: Manyeah, the weather is breaking so all the players gonna be out, ready to lose that ink! Im taking all money, chains, cars and other valuables. Whatever you wanna put up. 7-11 BABY

SG: You must not lose alot

RB: The nigga wit da money never loses. If you start off wit more money, you should always win. I never come wit less that $5,000. Bet a Thou, Shoot a Thou! How you love dat!

SG: Its been rumored that you are a target for a robbery?

RB: You know Sal, its funny. Thats kinda how I got this elbow injury. Last season I had to knock a nigga out for reaching for his waist. That punch did something to my elbow and HIS JAW TOO. Its a lot of cowards out here. If you bet and you lose, YOU LOSE. And all these sidebetting dudes........they wanna jump in and hop on they man's and em.........I got something for that. Gimme ALL dat money!

SG: You've taken your game nationwide

RB: yeah yeah, All-Star Game in L.A. last week, came home with $10 G's...... NOTHING ......its NOTHING. I was da nigga throwing money in the air down Miami last memorial day, taking $2,000 sidebets. For real man, Im real wit these dice mayne! Had all them pimps and hustlers basically paying for my trip.

SG: Many have said that craps and cee-lo are games full of luck?

RB: Its only two things that you'll be lucky for............1) Lucky to have cab money when I buss your pockets and 2) Lucky I dont make you go to the ATM

SG: In most hoods its customary that you give back some of the money you won if you "break" the game

RB: I mean if da dude is from my hood, YEAH..........but if I dont know da dude im like "get out here doggie" I might give em a "pound" or dap em. "Nice try baby" but you gets no love

SG: Your favorite "Arena" to shoot in

RB: Its a tie, I gotta say 14th & Belmont also Benning Rd. and Minnesota Ave. Belmont because of the crowd. I rise to the occasion, ya know! And over on Benning Rd. cause the dice bounce off the wall outside the carryout a lil better than anywhere else. Kinda like basketball when the rims aint too tight and not too loose.

SG: Have you been training for the season?

RB: oh yeah, BIG Remy bottles, Hydro, a couple of 40's. You always gotta test your stamina and balance. If I can stand up straight after 2 J's of Dro to the head and a 40 then I KNOW I can squat for 4 hours and make a quick $5 G's.

SG: Any words for all the fans who come out to see you play in the summer

RB: Two Words.........GET ME. I need my money, nobody owes me. You know why, cause you dont leave until you pay me. Aint nothing else to say, put your money on the ground and "shake em up"