Thursday, December 30, 2004

Jive Sammy Banquet Dedication
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Dabney Lewis, shown above, and a host of others took part in the Jive Sammy Banquet Dedication on December 27th. The Jive Sammy Banquet is a momentous event honors family members helping out their pipehead kin. Many of us in the black community know how hard it is to fight the temptation of the street and all that it includes. Many of us have family who are addicted to or sell crack and crack products.

Dabney Lewis attended the Jive Sammy Banquet, in honor of his uncle Jive Sammy. Jive Sammy was a famous pipehead known throughout Sursum Cordas and Kentland. Jive Sammy had the jones real bad. He once stole water-wings from Dabney's son Glenn-Glenn and sold them to a dealer at the pool for a hit of that snowflake. Dabney never really forgave Jive Sammy for that, and here he is seen in the hallway arguing with his aunt Ruth, who wanted him to speak on Jive Sammy's behalf. "That nigga is a thief, he steals from children, he stole from you, and momma, and grandma, I won't say what I want to say on the mic, so I aint saying nothing, I don't care where he got the wagon from, Glenn-Glenn is 14 now what he want with a wagon".

The Jive Sammy Banquet is an awards dinner that is for pipeheads, but mainly for their families. Families need to learn to forgive their pipehead kin, while turning anger and distrust into positive qualities promoting family function and conjunction. Oswald Decency received the Jive Sammy Recovery Award for turning his back on crack after a 15 year love affair with that white woman. Oswald's brother Jameson received the Jive Sammy Forgiver Award for forgiving Oswald for running up his bank card at KMart and for using the bathroom in his house-plants three October's ago. For other banquet news please go to www.ebonybanquets.com to learn of this and many other free and pre-paid banquets.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Pork Chops & Martial Arts
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Karate Antoine is a former jujitzu instructor at Keith's Karate, and has now opened his new shop, "Pork Chops & Martial Arts". Karate Antoine is finicky about what he eats and teaches. Known as Karate Antoine to many, but has never taken too much karate. He is actually a yellow belt by Ballou standards, but is a black belt in taekwondo, and a master of jujitzu with or without brass knuckles.

Karate Antoine has always enjoyed his Aunt Stephbella's pork-chops-in-the-gravy. His love for pork chops, and being picked on by fat bullies, developed his love for the "pork chop". His signature move, the "pork chop" is a closed-handed chop to the stomach. He has rendered many bullies, and portly female lovers boweled to movement. "The joys of martial arts are paralleled to only a love of hot food," said Antoine outside of the Jim Kelly Film Festival.

Karate Antoine encourages all to sign up for his martial artistry immediately. Every Friday class is completed with a pork chop dinner. However, attendance is mandatory Tuesday and Thursday, otherwise all heavy absentees will receive a "pork chop" to the stomach, and not pork chops in the stomach. To sign up for Pork Chops & Martial Arts, please check www.ebonykarate.com/porkchops or call 301-455-3534 for a personal flyer addressing your karate needs based on neighborhoods skematics.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Sal's Corner
"ITS ONNNNNNNN IN HERE"



"Ooooh party over here! Party over there!". As we near New Year's I know everyone wants to boogie. Whether at the club, at home or shouting at church, people gonna be dancing. This is the season where EVERYONE is dancing. Even your co-worker who's been off for 45 days with a bad back is in the spot electric sliding. You got to boogie when you can. Early and often. Some of yall can't dance. Some of yall cant dance. Some of yall CAN but, surprisingly enough........many people don't know what makes your dance moves what they are

* Elbows - You can't dance without elbows being in action. See Elbows establish the room you need to boogie. Dancing without elbows is just dancing. With the elbows, you can boogie. You can hold the elbows high or keep em at chest height. The high elbow is better for dancing and moving across the floor. You might just see Keith and Dewey in the cut and wanna get over and holla at em. Slide on across and keep the elbows high so you dont butt no one in the eye. Now if the elbows are chest high..........you gotta dig into the floor and let it go.

* The Neck - You can stand still and just move your neck and let it be known, "Im here and IM JAMMIN........im JUST giving yall the NECK but, dont let me get loose".

* Lips - Depending on the groove, the lip motion will vary. When the song first comes on and its YOUR jam, your lips will form into almost a "blowing" motion. Once it gets to going, if the elbows are chest high, and you diggin into it..........you begin to BITE the lip. Some of them sassy ladies begin to do the "hmmmmph" look with their lips. Vanessa is looking like "I dont care if you laughing at my dance, this is the bomb song right here". Now you gotta be careful, if that groove gets too serious (The Bass Guitar Player in the song is doing HIS THANG), that face might get real FUNKY. The lip is extra curled. They begin to dance like they are running from a Skunk fresh out of a dumpster.

* Hairstyle - The Jheri Curl and the Shirley Temple do's are the best for dances. People with curls always have a lil extra to give you with the elbows and neck. They always look from left to right REALLY quick just to shake the curls. They tend to give the "Funkiest" looks too.

* Fingers - You can snap if you just wanna get cool and keep it cute. But when you start pointing at people, you letting em know you into it. And once you get your greeting WHILE dancing down pat, you are now too cool. You might swing around with your hips and see Buck and Ned in the corner and just throw the thumbs up and keep it going.

* Dancing with the same sex - Now this is an interesting topic. Because its SO close to being homosexual but it then again its not. Ladies see their girls and they might dance together. Guys see the homies and you might do a handshake while yall are grooving but Larry might hold your hand too long and yall just might get caught up in a groove. Or Larry might just stand there and egg you on as you get even more hype.

* EYES - THIS is important. If them eyes close, you might catch the Holy Ghost UP IN THE CLUB. If the right song come on, a nigga might drop his drink and say "HALLELUJAH" right at the bar. Whenever somebody closes their eyes, its almost over. Give them maximum space. A loud outburst might come.

* Fists - This is the ULTIMATE. If you got that fist in the air while you are dancing you might FIGHT the DJ if the song changes. That fist.....waved like the "Black Power" gesture at the Olympics is very serious when dancing. No one can pull you off the floor when your fist is in the air. It could be a fire in the bathroom and you gonna be out there stepping



JUST make sure you look out for these moves and tips this Holiday Season. When you see em, know what they mean and give everybody a lil space to get their jam on. "Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

"Christmas Gifts"
By Salvador Gabor


Christmas seems to be moreso for the kids nowadays. It's the joy of a parent watching a child open gifts. Its the joy of watching kids play with the snow and making snowmen. It's the joy of giving the gift to the children to present to grandma and granddad. The joy of relaying the idea to KIDS the real reason for the season.

Well since we are talking about KIDS, lets investigate what KIDS want for Christmas. If it's not "Tickle me Elmo", it's some game system or some dance pad where they stomp on the living room floor all day. But over the years, two items have been a constant. A PET and a REMOTE CONTROL CAR. A dog/cat and a car have always been gifts that kids want. Sure the styles change and the times do as well but, the basic Pet and the Remote Control Car NEVER go outta style.

The Remote Control Car. This is ALWAYS a dandy to watch on Christmas Day. It's typically a boy's gift. He takes it outside and he has no idea of how to work the toy. He just pushes buttons. After about 10 minutes, he's hit every CURB, WALL AND POLE in the area of your household. He has flipped the lil car over about 17 times. He has to walk over and continue to pick it up. Now after about an hour, the little boy is frustrated. He cant get the toy to go where he wants it to go. Sometimes when it goes TOO far, it is out of the range of the remote and he has to run and get it. Then maybe an hour later the car has to be charged. NOW the kid is going bezerk. You have to charge it for about 6 hours just to get 2 hours of play time. The boy is impatient. After an hour of charging, he wants to play again. He pulls the plug out and takes it outside and the car wont budge. The Kid doesnt understand how to "control" the car NOR does he know how to take care of it.

The Dog is a funny gift as well. When you give a dog to a little girl, she adores it. She hugs it, She squeezes it and MAYBE she might kiss it. Now the dog likes affection but, the dog aint big on it. But, the little goes out and gets the dog clothes to wear. She dresses the dog up all nice and cute. When's the last time you saw a dog that actually likes to wear shirts with ruffles on the sleeves. Dogs never look like they are happy when they have these little cute outfits on. Then the little girl walks the dog. The dog doesnt wanna be out in the middle of January at 6:00 A.M. just because YOU can't walk em at 9:00 when its warmer cause you gotta be at school. In the dog's mind he is saying "I dont have to take a dump NOW.........IM STILL SLEEP". As the little girl gets older, she begins to walk to the park with the dog. The dog is standing RIGHT there in front of her and she may have a convo with another dog owner. That girl begins to talk about her dog and its problems and they exchange stories. They talk as if the dog isn't even there. The dogs dont WANT to be there. Because once again it's 6:00 A.M. and its not their fault that you have to be at work or at school later on. I Tell ya.........Dogs go through it as gifts.

Well many of us adults act like KIDS with gifts at Christmas. This is especially the case when it comes to our significant others. Men, we tend to treat our women like remote control cars. We always claim that they need our direction but, we are too young in the mind to know how to control the car. We keep bumping them against the wall. Sometimes we drive them too far out and when we get mad we like to slam them down on the ground and run away in tears because we are mad. But then that older more mature person shows us how to control the vehicle and it becomes fun. Women, you can sometimes treat your man how you treat your dog. He doesn't want to be changed. He's not used to wearing pink shirts with ruffles at the end. He hates staying in the car with the windows up and for God's sake, when you get around other women with "dogs", you talk about them like they aren't sitting RIGHT THERE.

In so many words, you can't make a dog into something he is not and you can't keep flipping a remote control car over and making it do things it wasnt meant to do. And furthermore, people are humans.......not TOYS. Many people pray to God that he sends them a mate that is a "gift" from above. Sometimes we just have to grow up. Remember, Christmas is for the KIDS.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Sal's Corner
"BRAND NAMES"



YES it is beginning to look alot like Christmas.....EBBERY WHERE you go. With this being the season for giving, many folks will be out shopping for you and vice versa. I feel for that 10 year old with a 45-55 year old set of parents. Bessie and Butch waited to have little Walter. Now he is 10 with a pair of 52 year old parents that KNOW NOTHING about what he wants for Christmas. He might be stuck with a remote control car, an ugly sweater, some high top shoes that come to his calf and some tight jeans for Christmas. But BRAND NAMES have hurt Christmas shopping. Some people like Bessie and Butch with that 10 year old son are still relying on certain Brands to be around. Now Christmas shopping is just ONE instance where Brand Names can hurt. In general, One name can get very popular and people never quite get THAT name outta their heads. The following are some of the most famous Brands that people never get passed.

* Mercedes Benz - You could be on your porch with granddaddy and EVERY car that looks nice that drives by, he's gonna ask "Is that a Mercedes Benz?" or "What's that.....a Mercedes?". After Mercedes Benz, it's hard for another luxury sedan to make a mark that lasts. Lexus is pretty close. I believe thats just cause of how its pronounced. Uncle Tud can't quite get that "X" down pat so he just says "Lessus". Blame it on the dentures.

* Nintendo - Yall know how it go...........it's Christmas afternoon. You done broke out the new Playstation 2 games. Then some old fool walks in the back room and says "Yall back here playing that ole Tendo". YES "TENDO" cause for some reason people over the age of 48 cant say the NIN at the beginning. If it aint "Tendo" its "NA-Tendo". And furthermore, there have been 80 game systems to come out since Nintendo, why do people still talk about THAT brand?

* Zerox - For the MILLIONTH time, please do not say "Go Zerox this for me". Zerox is not the proper term for making copies. Zerox is ONLY a company that makes copy machines. The correct term is "Photocopy".

* Red Lobster - If you haven't noticed by now, the majority of this "corner" is dedicated to older folks. And with that being said, OLD FOLKS LOVE Red Lobster. This is "going OUT" to them. Your mother be in the place sneaking them garlic biscuits in her purse. She'll never have a chance to get another Lobster for $19.99. But everytime you take an old person out its always "I coulda went to Red Lobster for this mess". They can never appreciate any other restaurant.

* Kentucky Fried Chicken - Even with the legal change of the name to KFC, some people STILL only know it as KENTUCKY FRIED! Everytime your house have some guests, somebody gotta run down to KENTUCKY FRIED and get a box of chicken so momma aint gotta cook. Your nearest chicken place could be Popeyes but they still call that KENTUCKY FRIED.

* Michael Jordan's - You better not have on a pair of new shoes in front of certain people. They will immediately ask "Are those them Michael Jordan's ?" It's never "Air Jordan's" or "Jordan's"...........ALWAYS MICHAEL JORDAN'S. Why every shoe gotta be "Jordan's". And when you tell em "Naw these are Adidas" or "These are Jason Kidd's", they are still confused. And the worst thing is when some old lady asks you how much you paid for the shoes and your mother is standing right there. And even though you are in the back of the CHURCH, you gotta drop the price by $50-75 and say you paid $85 for them.


These are just a few of the major brands that for some strange reason, we like to use as the default name for all products similar to it. Dont fall into this zone.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Lindel "Tiger" Drewers is a warm-blooded burgeoise man looking for love. He has dated and paraded with white women of all sorts. From blondes to brunettes, redheads, to earthworms with curly dreads, "Tiger" has seen them all. He has loved a few, and smelled many courdorys on a warm spring day. "Tiger" is looking for a new kind of love, a more darker love, a woman of kinky hair, and cheeky in her underwear. "Tiger" is looking for a black woman who appreciates straight teeth, and a suburban uppityness. "Tiger" loves black women, matter of fact he loves Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams, and Rah Digga everynight. These are the posters he has in his room. He needs a woman with buckwilderness, a woman who spits thru her teeth, and is not afraid to pee outside. He wants a big hipped woman, heavy of hand, who likes to be loved over a tv stand. If any of you ladies are such of this, or know of a cousin who is ghettoish, please call (301)455-3534, to get with this lucky ebony hoeless romantic.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

"FADE To Black"
By Salvador Gabor




Slade Baxter III was named Jr. President of the "American High Top Fade Association". This nomination was made official after a hard interviewing process. Slade vowed to maintain his fade (along with the curls) and promised not to give into peer pressure and grow dreds and/or cornrows. The American High Top Fade Association was created in 1993 when the "Caeser" haircut which was once the prominent cut in African-American culture once again became popular. It is a society that unites and links those people willing to be stuck in the late 80's and early 90's.

Some of the more famous members are Wayne Brady, Randall Cunningham, Big Daddy Kane, Tavis Smiley, and Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton. Slade looks for his fade to take him to higher levels. As Jr. President he will lead the direction of the fade for the younger wearers of the hairstyle. He will also be in heavy talks with barbers above the Mason-Dixon line on revamping the Fade Fad. Slade will also be in charge of developing a counsel of recruiters of young people who could possibly revisit the fade style and keep the legacy going.

In other AHTFA news, Verna McGahee was named Mrs. High Top Fade for the state of Alabama. She looks to expand the female population of fade wearers and also widen the age group of women with fades.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Aint Nuthin' Like the Real Thang Baby"



Don't let anyone fool you.........it aint nothing like the real thang. You can't beat the real thang. But in some cases, you can't have the real thang. And growing up the way many of us did, we had to settle for whatever we got. And in many instances whatever we got was very literal!


* Halloween Outfits - Mothers..........stop putting your kids in white tees and headbands and making them rappers for halloween as an excuse for not buying an outfit. I dont even celebrate the dog-on holiday but if you are at least do it right! I tell ya........aint nothing like the real thang!

* PIZZA - Yall know back when yall were 8 years old..........you got like $20 and all of a sudden you couldnt HOLD that $20 bill. You felt like LeBron James wit all that money. You thought you were a Millionaire all of a sudden. And you ask your mother the golden question..... "MA lets order a Pizza". She responds "I aint got no money for NO PIZZA". "But MA I gotta $20 Bill". And then she puts the dagger in....... "BOY we got PIZZA here!". And why did she say that. She goes and gets the frozen pizza out the fridge. Now this aint even the GOOD grocery store pizza. Those come in a box. This is the 30 inch pizza wit JUST some plastic over it. It costs $2.00 flat and it has like 18 slices. NASTY NASTY pizza. She turn the over on 500 degrees and you gotta wait 45 minutes just to get some MOMMA JOHN's Pizza. I tell ya..........aint nothing like the real thang!

* Church Dances - It's Friday night. You'd rather be around the way but your mother has forced you to go a church dance. You get in the church and you dont even take your coat off. All of a sudden the music comes on and everyone is dancing to "Victory is Mine". You got some young people doing the "Harlem Shake". Some are doing the "A-Town Stomp" and all of a sudden this looks like BET in a tabernacle. Some guy on the mic says "Aint no party like a Holy Ghost Party". Or he might say "When I say Jesus, you say Christ". OR he might say "If you really wanna party wit me, put your bibles where my eyes can see, straight buckwylin wit my man JC". And you say to yourself "For $10 more dollars I coulda went to a REAL club". I Tell ya.......aint nothing like the real thang

* Wet Set - Black people and the fascination with "good hair" is always funny. I'd say around 1993 it got outta hand. The Jheri Curl had fizzled out (No pun intended) and the S Curl was kinda coming into it's own, although that fad came in and went right out. But there were a select population of Black Folks.............especially young teenage boys thinking that "wetting" their hair in the morning was gonna do some good. I mean, there was no moisterizer. No shampoo or conditioner. No oils, lotion or anything. Just putting yo' nappy head under the faucet. AND then walking straight out the house. So you got some peasy head lil nigga at the bus stop in 30 degree weather wit no hat on tryna look like a dark skinned Chico Debarge. Only to have his hair dry up and look even more nappy once he gets to school. I tell ya............aint nothing like the real thang.

* XJ-900's - Why outta all the fake Nike's made.........the XJ-900's were a staple in poor kids' lives. It was nothing like walking around in what were basically High Top CLEATS. You were lucky to have the XJ-900's cause some dudes had McGregor's. McGregor's were another level of poverty. For some reason you couldn't wear McGregor's without having some tight sweat pants on. And your mother or older sister would hype you. "EVERY body is wearing XJ-900's!". But for some reason NO one could get you to believe that McGregor's were cool. Only you and the gym teacher had those on. OH I tell ya..........aint NOTHING like the real thang


Life was hard and it still is. Aint nothing like the real thang. But some of the people who had the fakest stuff seem to turn out to be more real. In the midst of the struggle, we continue to live. "Lord Willin..........Rome Feelin'"

Friday, December 10, 2004

"Secret Lover"
By Salvador Gabor


BAAABY SHHHHH, you are too loud. My wife might hear us down here. See, this is why we gotta do what we do in the car.......or in the parking lot. But I love you so much that I wanna take my time with you. Im tired of coming in the house and I can't breathe cause I rushed through the motions with you. My wife knows about you. Or should I say she KNEW about you. I told her, you and I were done along time ago. But she never knew how deep of a love we had. Or should I say HAVE. Your love is so confusing. Confusing to the point where I don't even know what tense to speak of you from. The Past, the Present, the Future.......or just forever.

Where do I go from here? I come in the house and my wife knows I'm not hungry. I just come in and go to sleep. I wake up and I don't need breakfast. WENDY, I love you. I don't love her. She said that it's either you or her. And Im almost ready to choose you. She wants me to get rid of you. Just so we can go on a cruise or maybe go to a High School reunion. She says that thinking about you is bad for my health. But I Love you WENDY! Forget a cruise, forget a reunion. I hate my wife now!

WENDY, do you know my wife has the nerve to be cheating on me and she lies about it. I saw some guy's name in her phone. Some dude named ATKIN! I confronted her and she said it's her "personal trainer". She said she told him about you and I and ATKIN said, you're bad for me????? Well I don't care WENDY........it's you and me forever. I will always be there for you. And you will always be there for me.


IM JUST GLAD YOU STAY OPEN TILL 3 A.M. NOW. SMOOCHES

Your favorite customer,
Donte' Chapman

Thursday, December 09, 2004

"News & Notes"
By Salvador Gabor


* Jesse Cheatum of Capitol Heights, MD one the Eastern Seaboard Biscuit Eating contests held in Sandy Cove, MD. Jesse a former Bojangles employee, has experience with Biscuits and ate them all day during his 10 hour shifts frying chicken. He says that gave him an advantage over the second place contestant, Willamena Floyd. Jesse received a bag of flour, a wooden biscuit roller and plenty of toilet tissue as a reward for winning the first place position

* Renaldo Witherspoon will be out 3-4 weeks from his normal UPS duties with a strained calf muscle. While delivering packages in South Philly, he was chased by a doberman and attempted to hop a gate and strained his calf muscle. There is no word on the extent of the injury but, UPS managers expect Renaldo to be back at work by the middle of January

* The 31st Baptist Church of Watts will not be holding a Christmas Day Service due to the fact that Christmas Eve is on a Friday night. Pastor Duke Jenkins said that he didnt want to risk a low turn due to "Niggas in the Club the night before". Pastor Jenkins has no plans of reversing his decision to cancel the service.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Going Nowhere Fast"


You ever been in a bind or a tough situation? It seems as if you can REALLY do something about it.........but you cant for real! You try to get a strategy going but its dead in the water. Why do we try? The following are situations where we try to make something happen thats not yet meant to be


* Waiting for Public Transportation - We all have waited for a bus and/or train in our lives. Maybe its a weekend and the bus aint coming as frequent. Maybe its not rush hour and the train comes every 15 minutes and you JUST missed the other train. What do we do? WE STAND OUT in the street looking to see if a bus is coming. As if our eyes are magnets that will draw the bus down to our stop. That's the DUMBEST thing YET, we do it

* Checking your messages - Fellas, lets keep it all the way 100 in here. 100% real. How many of yall ever liked a woman ALOT. She aint really like you (or at least you aint KNOW that yet). You got her number. She has yours. You KEEP checking your voicemail every 5 minutes to see if she left a message. Now Im not just talking from my own experience. Alot of yall are laughing but I've been peepin yall moves too. When you pick up your phone 10 times in a half-hour, I know you checking messages nigga! Yeah but anyway checking your phone aint gonna magically make her call. I know some of yall wake up at 2:00 A.M and roll over and look at your phone. If the envelope aint appearing in the right hand corner, SHE AINT CALL. And yall try to be slick thinking maybe the reception wasnt good, so you put the phone in the window seal. Im peeping yall style all the way out!

* Radio Volume While Lost - What does turning the radio down have to do with getting UN-lost? Ive been in the car BY myself and turned the radio down. Who is there to listen to for directions? Why do we do that. I think its our "BUNK" parents and grandparents. The same ones that say you gotta be quiet when the STORM is coming through. "RONNELL you gotta be STILL, the storm is passing"

* Waiting in Line - Im Guilty of the following. You're standing in line at a Bank or something like it. The line seems long so to make YOURSELF feel like its moving you get closer to the person in front of you. Its still 47 people in front of you before you can that $600 check for them 2 weeks you done worked at the job and you pressed to move up an inch to go cash it and give all yo' money to the bill collectors. Squeezing the line in aint gonna make the line move faster.

* Shopping with your Mother - AWW the tragedy! Imagine being 8 years old and being in the Thrift Store with a frugal mother. Its a horror story for most of us. And you try to make her speed up the process by standing somewhere NEAR the exit. The whole time, she still searching through them old clothes. This is NOT her last stop either so I dont know why you are in a rush. It's 7:30 and YES you are not gonna be home in time for the Cosby Show. Nor does she care because ........you are EIGHT years old and you dont have an Agenda! Standing by the door is NOT a sign that she is gonna hurry up. Then when you get about 10 years old, you are now old enough to ask for the keys to the car. You think you bad now. When you ask for them keys YOU think thats a sign that she is gonna REALLY hurry up. Shoot, she can slow down now cause you done found a seat!

* Parking Lot Pimpin - Why is it that when you wanna go, somebody always sees your significant other, mother or friend in the parking lot and they wanna TALK all day? Once again you ask for the keys to the car. THATS not gonna speed up NOTHING. And dont let it be your mother and some lady from church in the parking lot. Sister Glover might mess around and have prayer RIGHT there IN the Bojangles Parking Lot. As soon as she says "FATHER GOD"..........you already know its a 13 minute prayer coming down the pipe.

* Closing Your Books - Remember that 2:00 Class you had? It ended at 2:50 and around 2:47 you closed your textbook and you did it in a manner where you made a LOUD noise? Well most of the young teachers got the point but, Mrs. Chaney, the 80 year old Physics teacher aint having it. I dont care if she dont finish till 3:21, YOU GONNA SIT THERE! Them old teachers were famous for the "THIS CLASS DONT END WHEN THE BELL RINGS, ITS WHEN I DISMISS YOU". Mrs. Chaney would dare you to close that textbook. She'll close out your gradebook for the year with an "F"

* Checking Your Watch at Church - See lemme tell yall a thing or shree about Church.........out of all the scenarios on this week's corner...........you can NOT predict when a church service will end. You might know when the bus is coming. You might know if the girl will call or not. You might anticipate which Bank Teller will ring their light for you to walk up. You might know any of those but you dont know what time church will let out. Its useless. You be done broke your watch checking it so many times waiting for Deacon Bailey to dismiss the church. AND it be them services that aint supposed to be long that last like 6 hours. Your mother coaxed you into going to a Thursday night service. She tells you its only for an hour. That's a sign right there. I aint NEVER EVER been to NO church service that lasted 60 minutes on the DOT. You in there for a minute buddy. A STRONG minute! 2 hours is the MINIMUM. And when you think its over........IT AINT. Somebody son with Glaucoma gotta get prayed for. Then Mrs. Lucille need prayer for her Diabetic Leg. THEN the offering plate goes around for the 11th time. Sister Odell wanna sing a solo AFTER her Testimony. Brother Reggie CANT stop shouting. And through all of this you STILL think the time your mother LIED to you and said yall was leaving STILL is in EFFECT??????

Friday, December 03, 2004

Black Olive Man of the Year 2004
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Nester Maxell is the 2004 Black Olive Man of the Year. The Black Olive is a club of disregarded socialites who feel they make the world go round. Nester our unsuspecting winner, is a man who loves the finer things in life, like listening to music on wax. He has never been married, but has sent flowers to numerous co-workers to no avail. He often invites beautiful women at the laundromat to come over and wash their clothes in his deluxe washer, but alas he is alone and rendered to tender to himself. Nester enjoys reading and riding in his Chrysler and has his eye on a 300 M, making love on bunkbeds, and buying cigarettes for his grandmother. He is known as the nigga standing by the bathroom in your favorite stripclub, and is an overall good guy with a strange smell, strong handshake, and a love for courdorys and v-neck shirts, Nester is looking for love, lust, or something along those lines. Please put your hands together and donate your phone numbers to this hoeless romantic. Email nestor at nastynestor@ebonyromantics.com and he will surely get in contact with you. Please send pictures, so even if it doesn't work out, he has something to make love to you by.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Bunk Fortune Top 40 (#'s 1-20)
By Salvador Gabor


A few weeks back, Reggie Dinkins, Jr presented the Bunk Top 40 in Fortune. He began the countdown and now I'm here to top it off. Of course the only two requirements were that 1) You gotta be Bunk and 2) You gotta have some serious PAPER.

The list starts off with the #1 Spot but, I suggest you read from bottom to top.



1) Walter "I got dat" Wilkins. Big Walt has the street DVD & CD game on LOCK. He caters to the older Christian crowd. he made $500,000 on MADEA's FAMILY REUNION DVD's ALONE. You add in a few sells of the Passion of Christ and some Canton Spirituals' CD's and you can see why he made $1.7 Million last year. He has all the R.Kelly Sex Tapes and a few of his own, if ya nasty. Get wit big Walt cause He got dat!

2) James McGee, Illegal Cable Installer. Every since Mike Tyson was knocking niggas out in 30 seconds and people were wasting $50 on fights, James has been hooking the hood up with cable boxes. He has traveled along the Alabama/Georgia state lines and has made money that mirrors Ted Turner on a Bunk Level. A whopping $972,000 was made by McGee last year

3) Willie "Shark" Whitman, Bailbondsman. In a city like Little Rock, Arkansas, arrests are jackpots for the Shark. He has coaxed young gang members into robbing establishments and then calling the police to meet them there so they can be arrested. With this scheme he made an astonishing $918,000 last year

4) Miguel Taylor, Lifetime Juror. Miguel collects Jury Duty checks and re-invests them in many Money-Markets. He served on 1501 cases in 2004 and received $45,000 worth of checks that he re-invested and gained up to $850,000 off of these investments. These money markets were DICE games behind the 5th Street Market in Northeast DC

5) Leroy McIntrye, Auto Mechanic. "Pull around to the alley" is a phrase that Leroy made legendary. He saved his neighbors thousands of dollars in mechanical work on their automobiles. Never a one to handshake, Leroy winks his eye at you and keeps his nasty oily hands in his overall pockets. Never too far from a Colt 45 and a pack of Salem's, Leroy is the only man on the Western Hemisphere still unscrew bolts with his bare hands.....or should I say his BEAR hands. But for $805,000 a year, Id do the same thing

6) Jacob Steele III, Furniture Designer. Jacob originally created the plastic covers for couches in the 80's. He made MILLIONS and blew most of it when he tried to create an urban soft drink that was poured into mayonaisse jars. Although he blew Millions on that venture, he still brought in $732,000 last year

7) "Rank" Jesse McCollough, Drug Store Thief. "Rank" Jesse has been stealing for 35 years. In his tenure he has made a TOTAL of $715,000. I know we only do it according to this PAST year but "Rank" Jesse is deserving. Since he came back from Vietnam, he still thinks its 1969 ANYWAY so to him, its the same year. And that nigga aint put no deodorant on since 1969. But if you need some from the store, He'll get it for you.

8) Carl "The Molar" Alderman, Urban Dentist. You wanna set of Gold Fronts? Maybe a partial? Or just ONE platinum tooth to let these dudes know you aint playing. Go see my man Carl Alderman aka "The Molar". He's also known and "The Polar" with all that "Ice" he has in his dental shop. He learned this trade while in the West Virginia State Penitentiary. And with earning just surpassing $700,000 this past year, his time served was WELL worth it.

9) Donte Winbush, Owner of "19th Street Chop Shop" aka "East Coast Choppers". Leave your Cadillac unattended in Charlotte if you want to! That Lac will be sitting on Cinder-blocks messing with Tay. That boy is about his paper. And if you want a Range Rover for $22,000, he's the nigga to call. Try $675,000 a year on for size. Mr. Winbush is a 27 year old top 10 Bunk nigga for ya!

10) Russell "Foggy" McNair, Mobile Bartender. For $5, "Foggy" will come to YOUR hood, pop his trunk, and make you a combination of Peach Schnapps, Grand Marnier, Bacardi and Apple Pucker that will make your legs wobble. "Foggy" has been the Mobile Bartender in Houston for 15 years. Who can stop a man who's mobile bar has brought in $602,000?

11) "Ducktape" Billy Williams. Also knowns and "Ducktape Billy" or "Billy D Williams". Billy really doesnt have a job. But if YOU have one and are making enough money, he'll rob and/or kidnap you for a ransom. Most people know of Billy D's antics but they'd rather give him a few thousands than to be stuck in his funky basement. Billy D made $580,000 last year. Im sure he wont be on our list next year. Never had been on their before. He lucked up and found some money in Mrs. Alberta's basement and that lump sum got him close to the Top 10

12) Chester Davis, BBQ Extraordinare. Most people would imagine that barbequing would be a seasonal industry. NOT in Alabama. With all those prestigious football games between Alabama A&M, Alabama State and other SWAC conference teams in that area, Chester has plenty of pork for your fork. FatBack Meat, Hog Head, Chittlings and Neckbones can be found at every Alabama A&M home game. Wasted some sauce on your Leather Pants? At $527,000 a year, he can afford to hand out extra napkins

13) Tangy McMillan, Hair Stylist. She does EVERYBODY elses hair but never seems to have time to do hers. She works from sun up to sun down. Proms, Weddings, Interviews and first dates are when she does her best work for your hair. She has mastered putting orange coloring in hair and dookie braids. I guess $515,000 a year would make you leave your kids at home to fend for themselves while you literally LIVE in the salon

14) "Cut-Throat" Willie Spriggs, Disc Jockey. Willie Spriggs (you gotta say his WHOLE name) or "Cut-Throat Willie", is known for spinning records at ALL of the retirement parties and so forth in the New Orleans and Baton Rouge areas of Louisiana. He knows when to cut on some Boney James and how to mix right in with some R. Kelly. He'll have you stepping in the name of love and in the name of a dollar. At $500 an hour you BETTA be dancing. He pulled in a staggering $501,000 last year.

15) Alphonzo Whitaker, Leading Uptown Street Pharmacist for the Clifton Group located in N.W. Washington D.C. Whitaker brought in a whopping $462,000 this past year. It can also be said for good measure that Phonzo refused to take any $18 sales of Dub bags of skunk. He ranked 21st last year and was determined to make the Top 15. Congrats, I know mommy and daddy will be proud.

16) Geraldine Fletcher, Grand Secretary of the Most Worshipful Watts Welcome Lodge in California. This Eastern Star is dedicated to her lodge unlike no other. She has raised over $5,500 to help Jesse McAfee, a local watts nigga go to Electrician School. Fletcher is worth about $425,000.

17) Janie Culpeper, Master Baker and wife of Langston. Of Course a man is not happy when his wife makes more than him but $402,001.92 isn't alot especially when she charged and extra $1.92 for a strawberry topping on a pound cake. Janie is always out and about and if you see her in her DeVille she is probably making a Cake Run

18) Langston Culpeper, Culinary Master of Grilling. Mr. Culpeper is a chief chef in and out of the kitchen. He is an avid griller and he enjoys February Barbecue. With earnings as up to $402,000, Mr. Culpeper can afford to buy more medicine for all the colds that he catches outside with no shirt on flippin ribs for Black History month

19) Robert "Dundie" Holloway, Country Pimp. From the dirt roads of Suwanee, Georgia, "Dundie" has made his mark on the streets of Detroit and Cleveland. Estimated to make $382,000 this year,
"Dundie" says "The Lord gets the Praise but, I'll never give a hoe NO RAISE"

20) Eddie Moncrief, CEO of OUT DE TRUNK. Anything you need from Lotion products to CD's to Knock off Gazelles and Gucci Shades..........Eddie has it. His YTD totals are estimated to be around $357,000

Monday, November 29, 2004

"Allow me to Repeat Myself"
Sal's Corner


There were two birds on a tree. One's name was Pete, the other was named Repeat...........Pete flew away........who's left..........REPEAT.......There were two birds on a tree. One's name was Pete, the other was named Repeat...........Pete flew away........who's left.........REPEAT.......There were two birds on a tree. One's name was Pete, the other was named Repeat...........Pete flew away........who's left..........REPEAT.......

Well I aint gonna play with yall too much longer but, people LOVE to repeat stuff. WHY? I HEARD you the FIRST time. I think you should really ask to be allowed to repeat yourself. Today we will talk about phrases that are repeated too much.


* "Like I said" - When you are planning out something with someone and they say "Like I said........", you already know they are gonna say "Like I said........" 20 more times. You could be talking about getting picked up from work and then Charles says "Yeah Like I said, I'll be at the bus stop at 5:20.........like I said take ya time but, I'll be there at 5:20.......like I said just call me but I'll already be there". We shoulda ended the convo when you simply stated you'd be there @ 5:20. Some people JUST dont know when to cut if off.

* "Everything Cool" - Now this is an occasion when you just HAVE to fight off the other person by repeating yourself. This phrase is OK. Someone bumps into you and they spill punch all on your white shirt. They get to apologizing and coppin a plea. You have to KEEP saying "Dog, Everything Cool". They keep going on about buying you another shirt. "DOG.....EVERYTHING COOL". I mean they just KEEP going on and on until you just say look "DO you want me to be mad. I can BE mad........now back off.....Everything cool!"

* "Oh Ok" - This is a word you say over and over when you really DONT care to hear about something someone is telling you. "Lil Jasmine is taking Piano lessons now" or "You know Steve finally got me the ring". Just typical morning info from co-workers that is totally unnecessary. I think when I hear someone say "Oh Ok" more than 2 times in my convo with them, I just cease the convo.

* "What he say?" - Dont people get on your nerves in the car asking what somebody said while youre STILL getting the message. Sometimes I wanna take the back of the phone and smack that person wit it! Just sit back and wait. They'll say it a MILLION times until you hit dem wit da back of that Nextel.

* "I GOTCHU" - You ever put your life in a nigga's hands? I mean you really needed to get something done. You stress that to this dude and he keeps saying "I GOTCHU". I mean you told him you need someone to pick up the package before 6:00 PM. He nodding his head and steadily saying "I GOTCHU". 6:00 comes and that nigga aint GOTCHU or dat package. The more someone says "I GOTCHU", the more I search through my mental rolodex for other people. I already know you are not dependable thats why I KEEP saying "Are you sure?". You having to say "I GOTCHU", should let you know that I dont halfway trust you. And THEY know they are gonna let you down. They just dont KNOW how.

* "Alright" - "Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright". And I aint talking about OutKast. You ever wake up in the morning and hear your parents on the phone? If you ever hear a bunch of "Alright's", They're probably talking on a long distance convo. When someone calls from outta town, the convo can NEVER end. Everybody keeps saying "Well......Alright". You might hear that 18 times before the phone clicks. And then all you gotta say is "Who was that? Aunt Iggy?" You dont have to ask though. You already KNOW!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




James "Rico" Boykins is looking for love, lust, and/or both from a female barber. This former MC Hammer impersonator spends many countless hours working security at Curtis Blow concerts, and is on security detail at the Georgia Dome. He was also an extra on Miami Vice espisode #67, he was a druglord's bodyguard carrying an uzi. He has had no luck trying to lure an Atlanta Falcon cheerleader into his Tantric Lust Abode, but now his eye on a few rookie Hawks dancers. He enjoys working out. His famed Lock & Load pullup routine is famous throughout many gyms in Atlanta. Rico also likes cooking with his wok, writing love songs, and making red construction paper by hand. If you know any Asiatic women, or black women preferably with barbering licenses please give us a call, so we can hook up this hoeless romantic. The number is 301-455-3534, or log on to www.ebonymchammerimpersonators.com to see Rico in action.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Sal's Corner
"The 2005 Ghetto Hall of Fame"


Welcome to 2005 Ghetto Hall of Fame induction ceremony. I am your host with the most, Salvador Gabor. Today we have some first ballot inductees and some long awaited inductees. Todays honorees are items, phrases and other things that need to be RETIRED. Just plain and simple. It was good while it lasted but, right about now it's becoming downright embarrassing. And the inductees are...........

* Long Finger Nails - Sandra...........baby.............I know you like your nails but Ray can't even get a hot plate to eat cause you can barely cook with all dem nails. Take that Kool Aid Red lipstick off, get all the hair out of your face and go somewhere and cut dem nails boo. Thats done. Its a wrap. 16 inch nails are not cute unless you live with a Vampire

* The Gucci Bucket - AHHHHHHH. People I KNOW....... I KNOW its hard. We gotta let it go though. Some of our people actually have real Gucci products but, they have to go. I KNOW....its not your fault. Its Renisha and Peaches went to the swap meet and bought those fake Gucci hats and washed in the machine and they came out wrinkled and flimsy. NOW they look like melted records on their heads. It's all their fault. But, there's nothing we can do about it people. Thats the way that it is.

* "Doing the Dag on Thing" - This phrase has several derivatives such as "Doing the d*mn thing" and "Doing the mutha.......". Yes my precious ghetto people, we gotta give it up. That last thing we need is Carl from IT saying it and brutally messing it up. If other races getta hold to this phrase........before we know it they will murder this one like they did "Bling Bling".

* Naked Internet Pictures - Fellas keep ya shirt on when you are on Blackplanet. Ladies stop sending them butt naked pics through your cell phone. And you wonder why Steve aint call you back. Come on yall, we too grown for that. Your grandmother might be on Blackplanet or something. The funny thing about it is.........I run into peoples webpages and I KNOW them..........so I'm inclined to click on their page but the dude got his chest out so I dont even wanna look. I can name about 15 pages I haven't seen cause as soon as I click, you gotta be LL'n it for dem peoples. Ladies, aint nothing cute about having your leg cocked up in a Yahoo Personals pic. NOTHING at all.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

"Vacation Time"
By Reggie Dinkins, Jr




Alas the holidays are upon us. Many of us are always searching for that special getaway after Christmas, or during Thanksgiving, for those sellouts who can't stand to smell chitterlings and fried turkey. Well we are here to help you in your quest for the perfect vacation. Christmas is no time to venture to warm islands with beige sand, it is a time to behold the lovelyness that is what it should be. Come on and ride with us on our 1st Annual bus trip to Jackson, MS. What a time we will have this December 27th. Come spend your Christmas money with us, and share stories over a 14 hour bus-cruise. We will have leftover Christmas dinner all the way down, from Leetha and Kendall's house. Kendall is frying a turkey this year, so Dasney won't have to cook it. You got to bring your own greens, and this bus, the "Justice Bus #829" is a double decker-bus equipped with 5 microwaves. Please get your seats early, Mrs. Wakeman has already reserved one of the tables in the back. We will be attending this year's 17th Annual Mississippi State BarbeQ, and the Squash Ball sponsored by 345th Welcome Lodge of the Eastern Stars. Please call 301-455-3534, and ask for Delilah Washington, she will be taking all the moneys. What a time we have with good soul food brought and bought, but you cannot purchase a soul on this trip. Coupons from last time's trip are not valid, unless stamped by our bus notary Ms. Delilah Washington, she spearheads all of our bus trips.

Thank you in advance and may your Tuesday be prosperous.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Perfect Combinations?


They say that opposites attract. Im not sure how right they were when they say that. Some things are far from each other and rightfully so. Certain combos don't belong together. Oil and Water, White Supremecists and Black Panthers, Al Green and Grits.........I mean, everybody can't be together. So today I wanna talk about some less than perfect combinations.

Gay Thugs - EVERYBODY wanna be a gangsta now. But has it gone this far? We have TV shows depicting Gay Men as hustlas, killas and gangbangas???? I mean you can act as hard as you want to but it's no way you can say you are a thug and you kissing another man's chest. I can't figure that out for the life of me? Can you imagine your homie saying "Dag man.....Kevin Sexy as a mug!". You are not a thug if you are gay...........period. And these dominate gay women are about to get knocked out too. They get mad if you look at their girl. How am I to know "Lil Ki Ki" is her "boyfriend". These lil Butch women be pushin them limits.

Gospel Rappers - I believe in praising God but rap is not the way. Rap is hardcore. Rap is the streets. Rap is not meant to be heard directly after Shirley Caesar. In Rap, you gotta act tough sometimes. JUST some times at least. As a Christian rapper you can't battle rap. How you gonna say you are better than someone and you believe you are better than someone else that God made as well? And I can bet you 1 Million Dollars, every Gospel rapper wants to curse AT LEAST ONCE. Besides that, rap is a music that is about "Me". It's an "I" music. Every other word is "I" or "me". Its a competitive sport. Gospel Rappers need to stick to singing in quartets with Green Polyester suits.

Black Republicans - Boy I tell ya........Niggas........... yall getta lil money and don't know where you came from. You went from the Piccolo Club to the Country Club. You think you made it but when the potato salad comes out, they think YOU MADE IT. You putt puttin away and they still think you're the chef. You look like the one dot in that crowd of white folkses at the GOP meetings. I aint against Republicans. But I'm against people who don't know reality. Reality is, if you came from the hood and made a Million Dollars, chances are you are the only one who you know that did it. So therefore alot of people who truly love you arent as blessed as you. So hob knobbing wit dem folks aint doing too much to help the next man get to where you are.

Young Grandmothers - NOW THIS IS WILD. A woman has a child at 14. Her child has a child at 14. Now she's 28 going on 29 with a grandchild on the way? What part of the game is this? You celebrate your 40th birthday and your 12 year old grandson is setting up the chairs in the living room for the rest of the family to sit down. You turn 70 and your daughter is 56 and your grandson is 42. ALL yall getting discounts at Denny's!!!!!!!!

Church's Chicken & White Castle - For those who have been to NY, tell me what's this ABOUT! Minature hamburgers and wholesale priced chicken seems to be THE THING in the Big Apple! AND to top it off, if you go in a White Castle/Church's.........they gotta buzz you into the bathroom like you at a bank! Also Dunkin Donuts & Popeyes have alot of combo stores in New Yiddy as well? It's no wonder that people in Harlem don't have Stomach Cancer. Eating a Donut and some Cajun rice or a Mini Burger and a $2 Chicken combo might have your stomach turn green.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

"Am I on your side"
By Salvador Gabor


Do you know me? I'll give you some clues. They say I'm everything. People who have money don't have enough of me and people who DONT have money have too much of me. Naw I aint about being around broke niggas but, those are the people who tend to try to hang around me alot more. Some people work too much to hang around me. They need me in order to raise their kids the right way. Because they dont have me, their kids are devilish and know more words to songs than they do their school work.

You're probably wondering how I look? Sometimes I'm big, sometimes I'm small. I wear alot of leather and gold..........that's when I'm with my rich friends. Sometimes you can just look at the sun and find me. Im out and about but I usually go in a little early in the fall and winter. I can be tall when you miss somebody and I'm short when you are trying to get something done. I guess this isn't helping you at all. I'm just all over the board aren't I?

Ya know.....it's funny..........whenever I'm riding around with someone, they always get someone calling them to go do something. "Since you got HIM with you.........can you come by and fix this radiator?". Sometimes the person on the phone may not know that I'm there. They'll just ask "Do you got HIM......well if you do.........stop by........I got something for ya!"

It's sad though............cause when people arent around me.......they dont listen to anyone. All of sudden, conversations are shortened or cut off altogether. Families aren't together. People begin taking shortcuts on everything. And when people become upset at you for cutting them off.......you always use ME as an excuse.

I was always told........"if you dont have TIME......you don't have nothing!". Am I on your side?

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Bunk Fortune 40: 21-40
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.


We often recognize the street businessman, but don't really recognize who's who in the world of the street and what it means to achieve optimum success. You often hear how Gates makes the world go round, but lets salute and take a look at those who make their money the unfashioned way.

21. Jerome "Up-Up" Sykes-Putnam, 14th St. Supervisor, 3500 & Clifton Subdivisions: YTD $350,075. This nigga makes sure everything is running smoothly on the rip from window-tinting, weed sales, coke-cutting, free-base temperature, coaching summer league, and running "Adjustment Seminars" for parolees. He is paid well for a man who wears many hats.

22. Anthony "83" Threat, Computer Technician: YTD $340,009. They call him "83" because he was born in 1983 and is a computer wiz, but the crazy nigga once tried to shoot some one with a 38, but had the gun facing the wrong way. It's a good thing he is so skinny, that bullet went right under his armpit.

23. Jacoby Gilliam, Asphalt Nutritionist: YTD $326,500. This boy moves so much weight in North Carolina it is ridiculous. Note: Gilliam was locked up in May and his assets were frozen, figure reflects earnings, since released for parole.

24. Abnus Littman, Owner of Littman's Liquors: YTD $225,903. He was tied with Vestee White, but someone bought a scratch ticket just before the books were tallied.

25. Vestee White, Fisherman: YTD $125,902. A world renown Catfish Master. This competitive fisherman has won numerous fishing events nationwide. He is currently in North Carolina trying to get a title in grouper.

26. Stuvius Smith, Dry Cleaner and owner of Stuviusly Dressed: YTD $123,457. He launders clothes and money, get with him if you moving too many kilos.

27. Renaldus Wynn, Registered Nurse: YTD $123,456. He works as a RN at Providence Hospital in Washington, DC, but has a key to medicine closet. Needless to say he's selling Viagra by the slab.

28. Dionte Willis, Dock Worker/Boardwalk Hustler in Atlantic City New Jersey: YTD $117,348. A knowledgeable man of the finer things ranging from Porsches to cartons of Newports and crates of Remy. He can get his hands on pretty much anything.

29. Tommy Nichols, Owner of Tommy Tows, a tow truck company: YTD $115,775. He has been towing cars in Detroit for 8 years, but the cars he tows usually have snow on and/or in them. Winter's coming so expect him to skyrocket up on this list very soon.

30. Johntay Dixon, Owner of Dixon's Bricks: YTD $112,114. He inherited the company from his grandaddy John Dixon, and has made it work for himself. A hard worker whose dap feels like Alabama torture.

31. Trina Phillips, Waitress at H2O: YTD $82,075. She earns her tips, and steals plenty. She sells meat, lettuce, and any kind of wine she can find out the back of that club.

32. Mr. Phyllis Cox, Hairdresser and Owner of Phyllis Good: YTD $81,009. This homosexual hairdresser, has won a Golden Scissor Award every year for the past 6 years. Note: we have deducted some $20,000 that Mr. Phyllis spends on his upkeep.

33. Nancy Dykes, Comfort Operator: YTD $79,409. She provides lesbian comfort for a reasonable price to many lesbians in the community, whether they are people, dogs, plants, or even winos.

34. Sylvester Miles, Metro Train Operator: YTD $78,487. He is a train operator who excepts, and forcefully urges tips. When Metros fares go up, so do his.

35. Doctor Willie Leake, Home-Schooled Dentist: YTD $77,777. He is what you would call a bootleg dentist, and gets his novocaine from Renaldus Wynn, and gives good prices on his work.

36. DJ Buster Brown, Underground DJ of WPIS in Atlanta: YTD $75,006. Underground kingpins pay him a pretty penny to divert police as he leads his broadcasts over CB radios, channel 37 on your CB dial.

37. Mary Thompkins, Bridge-player: YTD $75,003. She has been at it a long time, and this 67 year old hasn't even hit her peak. Originally from St. Louis, she makes her mark in Vegas, and doubles as a Lena Horne impersonator.

38. Bobby "Beauty-O" Barker, Club Owner of Trixie's and The Stretchmark: YTD $74,999. His location robs him achieving greater financial success. Nobody wants to go Chesapeake to see exotic entertainment.

39. Tony "Ring Tone" Peete, Assistant Manager of Scorpion Wireless: YTD $64,057. He works off of commission, and has been at Scorpion Wireless for 8months, his knowledge of Baltimore, and burn-out sells will propel this young man to the top of the Bunk 40 one day.

40. Fat Teddy Willis, Dock Worker down the Wharf: YTD $60,001. This man has anything you need, and if he doesn't he can have Dionte ship it down from Atlantic City. He specializes in TV's and Bob Ross paintings.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Violence MAY BE the Answer"


Im not a promoter of violence. Im really not. I promise I'm not. But I've been looking at some issues. Some of these issues need our deepest attention. And Im not sure if we are left with any option other than violence...........

Old People at ATM's - THEY ARE NOT FOR YOU. I WILL REPEAT........THEY ARE NOT FOR YOU. Go inside and do your transactions. Yall are taking entirely too much time squinting at the screen. Move before I kick you in yo' raggedy shin you old foggie! If you gotta press cancel and restart that transaction ONE MO' TIME.........Im a slap you right upside yo' greyish blue head! GO INSIDE the bank. ATM's are for people with FAST transactions. If you dont already KNOW the buttons to press, chances are a TELLER can help you..........they have at least 4 inside and they are paid to help people like you!

Kids who act up in Public - The parent tries to maintain his/her cool. But Lil Kenny is still crying...... just crying to make a scene. And then they take it to the level where you cant NOT notice em. Sometimes I wanna slap em up side the head FOR the parent. Just clip em up, make em buss their lip and slap em in the face.

People who STILL GEAR UP to drive - Yall know who Im talking about. The ones who still put on them leather gloves and shades before they drive. They got the CB in the front. They just love highway driving a lil too much. They stop at the rest stop and everyone is going to the vending machine and he just GOTTA wipe the car down. He all under the hood, checking the speedometer. They just take it all too serious!

Jr. High Students - They SWARE they are SO cool. But this is your worst time in life. You sware you are cool at 13 and 14 but, you are so off. I just wanna punch 13 year olds in the stomach. Thats around the time when you wear alot of denim. Jean jackets and outfits. Alot of wideleg jeans and fake jerseys. 14 year olds and your 45 year old uncles kinda dress alike. Both sware they are cool but are so far from it. I just wanna punch em!

Wanna-Be Gangsta Women - Ladies yall aint gangsta. So stop saying "I wish that TRICK would" and "I KNOW SHE DIDNT". Cause you aint gonna do NUFFIN. Put your earrings back on, pick up your purse and re-wrap your shawl and keep stepping. Ladies yall do TOO much fakin. Always wanna be the prettiest, prissiest woman. Acting like you Neiman Marcus when you really Hechts. "ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO EXCITE MEEEEEEEE". Yall kill me though. I know what the problem is..........There's not enough women are being SHOT. We need for female shootings for yall to act right. See us men we know one thing.......when two men disagree and they get loud..........somebody could get shot. Its a fact of life for us. Thats why some of us talk our way out of situations or simply keep our hands in our pocket and watch our friend get beat up in the club. Hey I cant do nothing but tell the truth. But females ALWAYS want start drama. Thats cause they know at the most they MIGHT get sliced with a knife. Females dont even poke knives. They only slice ya. Im not gonna be satisfied until some women start getting shot.


"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, November 05, 2004

"Diversity in Law Enforcement"
By Salvador Gabor




A landmark decision came down from the Supreme Court yesterday. New York City Court Marshall, "Sweet" Marcus Rivera was allowed to wear a skirt and sandles as his standard uniform. "Sweet" Marcus, was at one time working under the "Dont Ask, Dont Tell" Policy which was implemented in New York City in 1992. As a veteran in Law Enforcement, "Sweet" Marcus began the intense lobbying for Onsite Rectal Searches of Drug Dealers and Users in the Bronx. Many hustlers began hiding crack and other drugs in there underwear and/or anal area. "Sweet" Marcus always found away to find the drugs in those crevices.

"Sweet" Marcus also was one of the leading "Frisk" officers as he did work off-duty at local clubs. His frisks were above and beyond the call and he tended to do extended searches in the loin areas of Male Patrons of New York City Clubs. "Sweet" Marcus was awarded with several accolades for his dedication to the force.

If you want to congratulate "Sweet" Marcus Rivera in person, he is normally at the "Coffee Shop" in lower Manhattan on E 14th Street. You can catch him licking the filling out of a Donut or Two.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Personals
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Gregory "Look" Peet is looking for love in all the swankiest places, and in need of some in the most tenderest way. "Look" is an educated man of discipline and knowledge on many subjects. He is a graduate of the Women of Brewster Place Comfort in Food and Meditation Program, and really knows how to touch a woman's soul. This graduate of Shepherd Elementary School in Northwest DC knows all the good love nooks up and down upper 16th Street. It is not that he is versed in loving, but more or less because he likes to look, so says his name, and is a peeping tom. He was a member of the junior ROTC program of Dahlia Street and enjoys rubbing his feet after a good game of contact frisbee. "Look" is hungry for romance, or a big woman in beige underpants. If you are looking for "Look" give us a call at 301-455-3534, and maybe we can fill your heart or hands with love.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

News & Notes
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




The Crouton Committee has just elected it's 19th Chairperson. Shirleen B. Curris, was selected on last Friday to be the group's newest chairperson. A coordinator of salad and a lover of fried and spiced rices, Shirleen learned to cook at the tender age of 4. She made her first omelette on her sense of smell alone. She could confidently and accurately identify mushrooms, onions, and the difference between baked and grilled ham at such a young age. She was called the "Home Ec Prophet" by her second semester at MM Washington Culinary and Special Services High School in Washington, DC. She knows her nutmegs, mustards, and crabmeat, and was the perfect choice for the Crouton Committee. She was selected as a finalist to be on her own cooking show on FricaseeTV, but it didn't work out because the kitchen areas were too small. Shirleen's term begins, Tuesday after next and she will prepare a lovely moose-hamburger bisque-soup for her sister Earlene's bowling club. The Crouton Committee is a group for big women who enjoy cooking, laughing, taking an occasional walk, rocking back and folding their arms across their middle while they listen to stories, untucking their shirt tails from off their hip with a pinch-flick, and just good ole big woman fun. If you are big and love the smell of greens cooking, give us a call and we will point you to one our many satelite offices. Here our the 2 newest offices in the Washington DC area.

Barney Office Eastover Office
1246 Pennsylvania Ave, SE 7008 Southen Ave, SE
Washington, DC Washington, DC

Monday, November 01, 2004

Sal's Corners
"Kids of Today"



Kids of today are DEPRIVED. That's why you cant go in the mall without seeing 25 fifteen year olds having a Harlem Shake Contest by the food court. That's why you got 10 thirteen year olds taking turns firing a handgun. That's why young girls have 3 kids by the age of 21. They are DEPRIVED! Deprived from what..............


* Reading Rainbow - This was a GOOD show. Who else could go from playing a slave, to tap dancing to teach our kids about reading.........but Lavar Burton. He needs a standing applause right now ladies and gentlemen. I think it's a conspiracy. A Black Man got across a point of reading to millions of kids better than Mister Rogers or Captain Kangeroo. They didnt like that at all!

* Martin Luther King Movies - Why dont they show these anymore on TV for MLK's birthday? We NEED those movies. Once again......... Paul Winfield .......a Black Man just acting and getting a point across. We NEED this to teach our kids history

* After School Specials - Remember at 4:00 P.M, ABC would have those specials about drug use, rape and abuse? Well I guess Oprah is making too much money to have her show interrupted by some half hour special. She too busy giving away cars on her show! We need these specials back. Man them shows had us lil niggas SCARED to even say the word DRUGS. It instilled fear of doing the wrong thing!

* Officer Friendly - The police aint so Friendly anymore though. They'll beat you down like the next nigga will in the street. But remember Officer Friendly used to come to your school and pass out Football, Baseball and Basketball cards. YEAH........the cards were from BUM players but you loved them. You kept those cards and you respected the police. Now these kids HATE the Po-Po's.

* Clothes - Kids have more clothes now but they are deprived for that. Wearing shoes from Payless and the Grocery Store gave us Character. No name shoes and corderouy's made men out of boys and women out of girls. It was a rites of passage theory. No HS girl deserves Fendi Bags! No JR High kids need Cell Phone. I wish my kid would ask for a cell phone at 13, the only call they'd making is to JESUS.

* Wippings in Public - It's nothing better than a slap in the face at the grocery store and then being made to choke on your tears. I'd rather get my pants pulled down than to get slapped in the face. That slap makes you feel like your whole face is gonna shatter. All of a sudden, you dont know what to do with your hands. You cant put em in your pockets, and you cant just have em to your side. Your eyes glass up and all you can think of is "when can I go in a corner and cry freely?" Cause moms aint letting your cry on aisle 8 in front of all these people. Kids these days NEED that kinda embarrassment to keep them in place!




"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, October 29, 2004

Natural Shopping
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Jemma and Pooky's All-Natural Sandcastle Hut is proudly offering free weight-loss mudbaths to it's first 50 customers the Friday after Veteran's Day. They are offering their special treatment weight-loss mudbaths to women and men, close to and/or well over 200 pounds. Glodine Wilford is a previously satisfied customer, who received the special mudbath and saw instant results.

Glodine described the treatment as, "It was kinda painful at first. It felt like they had 5 or 6 midgets under the mud, just whooping my butt in that mudbath. Then the next thing I knew it felt like I was sliding across a skating rink covered in luke-warm jello. I fell asleep, and I woke up feeling like a million bucks, and smelling like Texas Pete hot-sauce."

Glodine lost 40 pounds in the mudbath at Jemma and Pooky's All-Natural Sandcastle Hut, which will be closed tomorrow for investigation of alleged use of heroin in these special mudbaths. The sandy boutique also specializes in talking ant farms, sandcastles for every occasion, and gourmet mudpies. For any sandy need, want, desire, fetish, or malfunction come down to Jemma and Pooky's All-Natural Sandcastle Hut, where they use the finest dirt and sand to make you feel like a hundred grand.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Sports Update
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Former Freeze Tag great Dubious "Gus" Nichols has returned to Freeze Tag's senior circuit. The FTAS announced that Dubious would re-begin his reign this Thursday at the $250 Rudolph Elementary Tagout. George "Red Light" Gillings, and his uncle Curt Gillings will be the only notables at this Thursday's Tagout. This match is a preliminary for the $1550 Bruce Monroe Classic. Dubious is still in great shape and plays the game with his grandkids.

Nichols retired from the senior circuit in 1999 when Big John Henderson was tagging players with his fist. He injured 6 of the nations best senior players at the Olly-Olly-Oxon-Free-for-All in Oxon Hill, MD. Nichols never approved of close handed tagging, and wanted the board of trustees to do something about it, but nothing came about until 2002. In the 2002 Women's Division Arlene Wilkerson socked Judith Simes to win her first ever championship, but the socking oin the eye took it's toll as Simes was forced to retire immegiately. Her eye looked like meatloaf by 4:30. With these new provisions Dubious openly welcomed the thought of his return. His wife Barreen is happy to see him back on the circuit. "The man has been juking around chairs and open dishwashers for 5 years, he never got that freeze-tag out of system. I want him to win and be successful, or just lose and give it up. I can't keep running drills with him, messing up my good brooms, and trying to dodge my vaccuum, I got better things to do with my Saturday mornings."

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

News & Notes
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Last week Kings Dominion opened its doors to the gay community. The park went under the name "Queens Dominion" for the day, as many fairies, butchly studs, and unicorn lovers enterred the park. Jabaymond Wayland aka "Gay Jabay Way" and Carl "Stingy" Tompkins were a few of the many pitchers and catchers roaming the park. The park even renamed some of the rides for this queerly day. The "Rebel-Yell" was named the "Ring My Bell", the "Volcano" named "Vulvano", and the "Tower" was renamed Damon. There were scores of people riding the Drop Zone bucknaked, which caused several sprained mammaries, and a few bruised TesCLs. It was absolutely a GAF Gay and Faggy paradise. The opening of the park was delayed on the next day because of the rainbow cleanup, and Old Folks Day would not be ruined like it was 5 years ago, when it was scheduled on the same day as Black College Weekend.


"More News & Notes"
By Salvador Gabor


* Tyjuan Jenkins, Jr. Usher for the Mt. Sinai Baptist Church will not be able to serve this week due to a pulled hamstring he suffered in dress rehearsals for the Upcoming "Live and Let Go" Revival planned for this up coming week. His absence will include communion sunday, which is pivotal in the careers of Jr. Ushers. We will keep you posted on his status for the rest of the Holiday season.

* Alice Watkins was released on bond from the Kings County Jail in Brooklyn, NY after being arrested for smuggling Newport Cigarettes. A native of the Roosevelt Houses Housing Project, she was the person to see if you needed a "loosie", "jack" or "cig" depending upon your slang. She issued a short statement and says she plans on taking her hustle to Harlem and begin selling Contacts and Fake Whoopie Cushions on 145th and Broadway.

* The Washington D.C. Go-Go Instructees "Congo Player" of the Year goes to Michael "Beat Beat" Taylor. "Beat Beat" has a passion for rhythm and will make a beat on any table, wall and or chest that he sees. He taps his desk at work, school and even the kitchen table. His mother, Lucrinda Taylor, thought that young Michael had a chest pain one morning due to him banging on his chest but he was actually putting down a new beat. He has never actually played a congo before but he has basically destroyed all of Lucrinda's tupperware. The Shaw Neighborhood where he resides plans to do a bake sale in efforts to get this boy some congos. Now they have to work on a fundraiser to get them all a pair of earplugs.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

"Crimewatchers Vol. 2"
by: Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




This weeks edition of Crimewatchers brings us to the home of Carnell "Poot" James. Carnell is a fixture in the Eastgate community of Southeast, DC. He still sometimes cops a little something for sales. Carnell who has been married to his wife Javonne for over 3 years, is affectionately known as "Poot" for his affinity for the gasmatic. This nigga is liable to break wind anywhere and anytime, he has been known to fart on cocaine hand-to-hands and make pipehands grab their own tails as if they broke gas. "Poot" breaks wind while making love, "He once farted on me while we were doing it in Iverson Mall's parking lot", said Vonda Hurst, 2 lovers removed.

Although a fixture in the drug community in Greater Southeast, "Poot" has never been convicted of a crime, he holds a regular job paying good money at HUD. However, "Poot" is accused of ducking jury duty for almost 40 years. He has been receiving summons and running from truant marshalls for years. He is always determined to never go, hell bent on sticking to his guns, he has ducked and dodged the Moultrie Courthouse for years. He was finally caught 2 days ago.

Carnell was coming down C Street and saw the Officer Wyles coming towards his house, so he broke out and ran through Mrs. Pettway's yard, jumping over a pond and snaking thru the fence. Wyles stumbled in the pond, but managed to keep after "Poot". Carnell hid down Mr. Pugh's back stairwell, as he waited for Wyles to go on by, and he could go to Larchmont to kill some time before Wyles was off the clock. Standing in the well of Pugh's backstairs, a hollow area, known for its acoustics, and where the winos would go and sing during the day, Carnell lets loose the loudest fart known to B, C, and F Streets. Courdoroy's couldn't even muffle it, a skunk couldn't hide the smell, and reindeer couldn't slay that dragon. Wyles heard the gas echoing in the well of the backstairs and and found Carnell instantly.

Carnell is shown above with his wife Javonne, as "Poot" James entered the juror's lounge, "Man I got so nervous, my butt just removed itself from me, it was like I couldn't feel it, I couldn't do anything, hell I even laughed when it happened, felt like when Bill Cosby used to kiss Rudy, except it was butt to courdoroy. The mutha of all zerberts." "Poot" is currently serving on a case for theft of Walter Barray's Black Passion paintings.

Monday, October 25, 2004

"Industrial Thinkings"
By Salvador Gabor



Here at the Salvador Gabor Project, we really want to help young people find jobs. That's really on the hearts of ALL of the people involved with this website. Young People..........WE Love you! But sometimes we ALL wanna be in the same industry. Branch out........and broaden you horizons. We want you to be gainfully employed. And we have the top industries that you need to look at when picking an occupation, career or industry.


* Cab Drivers - Young people, this is a great (I mean VERY Great) industry to get into. The Cab Driving industry is full of old men who don't have much time left to work. You'll be hard pressed to find a 30 and under Cab Driving Professional. It doesnt seem to be a hot item for the youth. It's a shame. People always say "That boy is gonna be a preacher when he grows up", or "That girl is gonna be a doctor". No one ever says, "Lil Ronnie is gonna be a Cab Driver!"

* Reggae Producer - This may be the easiest. ALL reggae music is different as far as lyrics but the actual production.............it's a breeze. Same beats, same rhythms. Just learn to work the buttons in the studio and you're a "shoo in".

* NFL Punter - So many young, athletic, poverty strickened children of our urban communities can take their whole family out of the projects with a simple swift kick. This is a great opportunity. It's no need for you to do a bunch of exercises. Just keep that ONE leg in shape. Practice doing the "Tootsie Roll" and you should be aight.

* The "Ride Home from the Grocery Store" Man - Yall know what I'm talking about. The old timers that sit outside the Safeway's, Kroger's, Giant's, Bi-Lo' and Piggly Wiggly's and they take people home who don't have cars. Kids........this could be YOU! Unlike Cabs, the "ride home from the grocery store" man has an advantage if he can drive fast. The more people you drop off, the more money you can get. You can whip Mrs. Roberta around the corner and swing back around and get Mamma Rose and her grandkids and get another quick $17. The only downfall is that the older people don't give an even amount of money. Sometimes, it's so balled up that you don't know HOW much it is until she is gone.

* Barber at the Old Folks Home - Come on now, does your clipper game have to be on point for the old timers? Just knock it down a lil bit, throw on some spray and alcohol and scream out "NEXT!". This is the same for the "Special" kids.

* Karate Teachers - What happened to these people? Everyone wants to be Pee Wee League Football Coaches. Either that or Basketball and Little League Baseball coaches. No one wants to coach Karate. You know why? Cause you always end up with the un-athletic kid who gets beat up and the single mom cant teach em how to fight and now it's on you. You're the one who has to teach him to eat raw eggs and breaking bricks.

* NBA Baby Muva - Yep ladies find you a 6'9" Power Forward and just bend over. How else can you flip millions of dollars in 9 months? Make sure you go to every Lamaz class, every doctors appointment and eat right. You dont need no miscarriages or mishaps. It's alot on the line. I was told LeBron James just had a kid...........what a fool! A stone fool. I bet that girl's parents wasnt mad when she came home and said she was pregnant! I can bet that. Her daddy was probably like "I dont know why this aint happen sooner!". But let Rodney had a got her pregnant. All hell woulda broke loose!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

"When my head is down"
By Salvador Gabor


(Snaps Fingers)

When my head is down
No need to frown
'Fore there is something
That I want on the ground
It is not a bad day
I don't see it in that way
Everything is OK
I'd rather look down today
I kick the grass with my feet
Hoping to be complete
I look in the bushes
I look in the skreet
My teeth are turning brown
And I look as if Im down
That's only my head
And my arms are red
Marked up and bruised
This life I continue to choose
What maybe on the ground
is what I have abused
You say "Keep your head up"
And I ask "why do you say that?"
Surely I could never look to the sky
If Im tryna find CRACK

This peom was submitted by Julius Moore of the Ward 5 Committee for Public Crack Users

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

"Suggested Reading"
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.




Good day, and many thanks. Here at the house that Starcade once remembered, we like to share opinions, views and manifested readings. Well many of us should pick up a book from time to time in order to raise or knowledge level, and scores on our Bunk Aptitude Tests.

From this week's prescribed literary ledger, we have "Sleeping Ugly". This instructional manual advises us to be kind to people when we are awake and living, because you might wind up sleeping ugly. Chapter One takes us to falling asleep in public. Many times we fall asleep because we are tired. Some stay up late, or just don't care about falling asleep on public transportation. However we need be more cognizant of such tiredness. pen-mouthed, one eye slightly open and twitching, sleeping women need take notice of bedtimes. You have been playing high saddity all week, shooting brothers down for no good reason. Now you wake up half drooling, with the Billy Dee of your dreams staring at you.

Latter chapters describe how one sleeps ugly while awake in the world. Sleeping ugly is sometimes termed as one's bad attitude, which causes them to miss out on life's precious offerings. Expensive whisky with a companion of the opposite sex in a broom closet, or free tickets to Wilohmena's Hedonism could really be hindered because you ignore the world with your funky attitude.

All in all, "Sleeping Ugly" by Ferdinand Scraggs, is a good book. It teaches us to be kind and aware of those that maybe watching us. I would recommend this book to anyone, whether you are cute, boogly, and or plus sized around your naval chin or neck. Boogers don't vanish because you are cute, adjustments might need be made to remove an old pancake injury.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

"Woman THOU Art Loosed!"
By Salvador Gabor




Hello all, I'm Montgomery Sims III and I'm here to tell YOU how I got RICH. YES. R I C H ..........rich! Before you change the channel........just take a look at these white women I am with. Then ask yo' self......."Have I EVER been with a white woman? JUST ONE.......?" Well I am here to say I have the privilege of being with two and it is ALL because of one thing........

I ran into a man named E. Cunningham and he introduced me to a laxative called "Woman Thou Art Loosed". No not to be confused with the movie. These pills are laxatives for heavy-set women who are addicted to buffets. YES go an eat all you want. I will be standing and a-waiting for you to finish. I will be sitting near you car in the Great American Buffet parking lots, Old Country Buffet parking lots, and even Sizzler. Yes, grab an extra plate and pile on the corn muffins, I have what you need as soon as you loosen that belt buckle

Now for the young enterprenuers who seek to find an affluent avenue for streams of income, listen in, up and close to what I have to say. You must put away the cute women for a while. Seek the biggest ugly women you can find. Make them want you. Make them love you. Then watch them eat. Give them a free "Woman Thou art Loosed" pill. Watch them deficate with ease. That will make them eat more. See.........the secret is, these are hunger pills as well. Once they "drop it like it's on fire", they will gain hunger again. Now remember that FREE pill I spoke of? Well it's no longer free. Make that HUSKY woman reach in her purse for MORE. Yes but, remember you must make her LOVE you!

In closing, I'd like to say that it is a pleasure doing bidness with you. Im a private type nigga so just call me for instructions on mailing Checks and Money Orders. The number is (301) 455-3534. Ask for Bill, Kent, Bishop or whoever you feel like asking for...........just make sure you got that money. OHHHHH yeah as for the white women........you gotta find them on ya own.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Sal's Corner
"Words WE shoulda never known"



When I say "WE", Im talking about is black folks. Sometimes, I listen to my people speak and I say "They shoulda never gave them niggers a dictionary". I hate to say it but, we overuse some words. We find ONE big word and stick with it. We think we are SO smart with that ONE big word in our vocab!

Enterprenuer - Dont even bother by asking a young person what they wanna be when they grow up? Just stop asking after they turn 13. At that point they still wanna be a running back or something. But by the time they are 16, they caught a whiff of some thesaurus of sorts. Now they have incorporated the word "Entreprenuer" in their arsenal. "I wanna be an Entreprenuer". So what kinda Enterprenuer you wanna be Lil Roy? "Man just an Entreprenuer!.......you know and do Enterprenuer things". That boy done watched too many VH1 Rap Diaries. Can't use the word properly and Lord knows he can't spell it!

Child Support - Fellas, aint that the truth. Im one that believes in child support if the father aint physically present in the household. But ladies.......come on ladies. How come you magically have two knew purses and a fresh wet set after the child support check comes in? Who do you have a mink and your son has a passed down Triple Fat Goose? Stop acting like a child with that support money!

Business Managment - If you ranked majors in college amongst African-American College Students, "Bidness Management" has to be 75% of the total. Niggas get to college and just fall off in SOMEBODY's bidness class. Business Management is equivalent to being undecided. I think we just blindfold ourselves and pick a major when we go to school. Everytime a black kid come home from school for vacation, we done picked a new major. And dont dare ask someone who hasnt gone to college what their cousin's major is........."Uhh Aww man, I think, I think, Pee-Pee Major is Bidness Management or somethin'".

Cosmotology - Ladies, I think it was around '92 when yall was blowing this word up. Going to school to do hair wasn't jazzy enough. "Yeah Mrs. Dixon, Im going to Cosmotology School". Back then when that word first started getting used, we thought it was Rocket Science. All you doing is washing somebody's hair, rolling it up and then flat ironing it.

Lexus - If you have family members over the age of 50, there is a slight chance that ANY and EVERY nice car that drives by could be a Lexus in their mind. "That's nice is that a Lexus?!?!" "What kinda car Johnny got now Steve.....aint that some kinda Lexus or something". "J.R. you done finished down there at the College, you can come on home, getchu a nice place and buy a Lexus".

Discount - Oh we love us a discount. That maybe the WORST word you coulda taught us hood people. Dont let Dontrell get a job down Foot Locker. Everybody in the Projects will know. "MAN do you that nigga Dontrell work down the Foot Lockers". And yall will rather get Dontrell fired than just pay for the shoes. Dontrell is JUST tryna get out the hood wit his lil shoe job. But yall wanna raid Foot Locker for every Timberland that you can possibly get outta that store. And if lil Dontrell cant get you a shoe for $55, you get mad!

"Can I see the Manager" - We JUST started being admitted to certain restaurants and we wanna see the manager if one napkin is out of place. Some of yall ghetto people dont even have good silverware at home and you wanna complain cause you cant see your ugly face in the spoon. That's a GOOD thing. Some of yall are entry level workers at your jobs! NO ONE is under your supervision and you wanna play BOSS in Ruby Tuesday's. Now why you gonna get Teresa fired???? Teresa makes more of tips than you do on your check in 2 weeks and you wanna be ignorant in public and make a scene.

"Lord Willin, Rome Feelin"

Friday, October 15, 2004

"Personals"
By Salvador Gabor




Looking for love? Look no further than Geraldine Spriggs. AHHH the smell of cigarettes on a tart tongue in the morning mixed with a sprinkle of Folgers is beyond romantic. Can we say "Good Morning America"? This love muffin comes to you by way of Flint, Michigan. A midwest girl at heart, nothing says loving like zip-up boots, a snug dress and a racoon fur windbreaker. Yes fellas, this is a "fly-gurl" to behold. She is a Herringbone rocking, up-do having, hand dance veteran. Not just any man can handle such a sweet loving Detroit area woman like this.

Geraldine wants a man who works. Preferably postal workers and Airborne Express/DHL employees. "I love me a man who knows how to work with a BOX!" says Geraldine. She enjoys reading Jet Magazines, riding in her Chrysler K car and listening to Millie Jackson.

If you are interested call Montgomery at (301) 455-3534. Until next time, peace, love, soul........and french roll!



Thursday, October 14, 2004

"Personals"
By Salvador Gabor





Shirley Reed is a lovely mature woman looking for a nice man to wine and dine with. She prefers tall man with a slight gut. Not one to shy away from a cold "bumper", she enjoys sippin on a Bud Light every once in a while. She especially enjoys "nippin" on some bud on the back of a bus during her trips to Atlantic City. She's not much of a card player, she leaves that to her sister Evelyne. She enjoys shooting craps and frequents the casinos in West Virginia.

Shirley has been married twice. Married to the same man twice for that matter. Ole JB couldnt seem to get himself together. He took the drinking overboard but, Shirley still loves JB. Loves em enough to run em pass the liquor store after she picks em up from his AA meetings.

If you want to catch up with Shirley, you better catch her now. She has a train to catch. She is headed to Tennessee for the Tennessee State Vs. Fisk Game. She has to make a run to the cleaners to pick up her Leather Outfit and then she is gone off to have a "Bumpin" time down in the south. Call QUICK.........(301) 455-3534. Ask for Bill.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

"Vote or Die"
By Salvador Gabor



Are we dead? Really........are we dead? It's an ultimatum........"Vote or Die"! For many of us, if we had to choose between the two to describe what we've done with our civic right and duty, we've essentially chosen the latter. We've been "DEAD" for years. I'm 25 years old. I've been eligible to vote on all levels for 7 years now. Yet, I've never done so. None of my friends go to the polls. No one that I personally know makes a serious effort to go to the polls. If it's convenient that day, they will vote. If not.......oh well. But, what really catches my eye is that there are millions of others JUST like me, who have taken the right to vote as nonchalant or even moreso than I have.

Why do you die when you don't vote? Well it's simple. You don't vote and that leads the politicians to forget about you and your whole existence. Sure, they know that there are housing projects, crime infested and poverty strickened neighborhoods. Surely they exist in the minds of the political powerhouses. But, when we don't show up to the polls, it makes them get convenient amnesia when it comes to solving our problems. At the end of elections, results come back and the number of voters in comparison to the number of citizens in certain urban areas or WAY OFF. So in the minds of our leaders, we ARE "dead". Out of sight, out of mind. It's that simple.

Well, why don't we become "alive" and vote? We don't see a need to. We feel that change doesnt come at a poll. And that is correct but, it's a beginning. I used to have mixed feelings about voting but, the overall outlook on the ramifications of the future have changed my views. We DO have a need to go out and vote. But, we are stuck in a mentality that is not one of successful people. Successful people plant seeds and WAIT for them to grow. All the while, they are nurturing the land that they have planted their seed in. We as an urban culture have been tricked, jerked and fooled into believing false promises given to us by leaders in the past. Rowled up so many times, only to be let down, we have an excuse to be angry and fed up. We have an excuse NOT to vote because we don't think things will change. But, in order to be successful, a seed has to be planted.

That fruit wont appear tomorrow, nor the next day. But, later it will appear. Many of us find it hard to look beyond this calendar date but, no one WANTS to die tonight. No one WANTS to think they won't be here tomorrow. When we lay down, we plan to wake up. It doesnt always work that way but, we DO make some plans to see another day. With that mentality in place, we must take that theory to another level and plant the seed today that blossoms into the fruit of tomorrow. Voting today makes a change for tomorrow. "Tommorrow" in a sense goes beyond 24 hours from now. "Tomorrow" deals with the future. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Who will decide what is available to you in 10 years? Will you be able to afford to live in 15 years? These are all questions that can be answered by voting. So you wanna be an entreprenuer huh? Seems like everybody does. You gotta pay taxes, you gotta have real estate and you have to be concerned with the state of commerce in this country as an entreprenuer. All these things controlled by politicians who pass or veto bills that revolve around business. And where you want to be in 5 years, what will be available to you in 10 years and will you be able to afford to live in 15 years revolves around what you do. And a large percentage of our successful people in this world become a succes through ownership of business and business owners rely on policies laid down by politicians to maintain success.

How can you complain, when you had nothing to do with the politicians being in office or being kicked out? How can you complain when the housing prices are up or the taxes are up in you didn't make a choice? We as urban people live in a culture where we want results now and we don't want to be the ones to put forth the effort. Once again, due to our bad experiences in the past, we have an excuse to feel this way. But, will that make it better? I doubt it. We are expecting millions of NEWLY registstered voters to go to the polls this year. Many of those are people whose make up and background are that of people from the ghetto, slums and middle class neighborhoods of america. People who have new issues and problems that need to be addressed. Issues and problems that have been ignored because politicians have looked at you as being "Dead". Imagine 10 Million new voters hitting the polls. Imagine how AFTER the election, both parties will be scrambling to collect data on the demographics of these new voters? Imagine that the effect of new voters in the urban communities becomes so vast that in 2008, we see clips of presidential candidates doing debates in Harlem, Southeast D.C., Uptown New Orleans and Dade County Florida. Imagine candidates shaking hands in South Philly, Compton, Watts, Southside Chicago and 5th Ward in Houston instead of JUST Iowa, Michigan and South Dakota. It's a crazy thought. But, if we as NON-voters turn the corner and get over the hump and take out a few minutes to wait in a line and vote for whoever (it doesnt matter, just vote), the next time around, we won't have to find the candidates, they will find us. If you're tired of being walked over and looked past like a dead body in a grave, then wake up. Become alive. It's either VOTE OR DIE.