Tuesday, September 19, 2006

"They got me trapped"-Tupac


Master Peguese Portiere

This is my first installment on the Salvador Gabor Project but Sallimo has been a great friend of mine for years and is letting me use his platform to educate/state my opinion on the topic of marriage. The year is 2006 and the dynamics of marriage have changed. Over half of marriages end in divorce with many of those siting infidelity as the cause of the breakup. I’ve had conversations with many of my male friends about “jumping out the window” just to get a feel about what the consensus is among young professional black men. Out of the young married men I know....about 50% of them cheat on their wives. And not just a fling here or there, I mean having full on relationships. Going on vacations, out to dinners, Valentine’s cards, Thanksgiving visits, etc. WILD, WILD, WILD. These niggas is lunchin’. It’s obvious these guys don’t need to be hitched. So why did they even get married?

Top Reasons why niggas that don’t need to get married get married

1) To shut her up…..Most men DO NOT want to hear their woman’s mouth. So whatever we can do to quiet them we’ll do. We are stupid enough to think “Well, I’ma marry her anyway so what the hell”. Pressure busts pipes.

2) Thinking that marriage is gonna change them…..This is a big misconception that some men have. They think that if they are married that some how magic dust is sprinkled on them and women will not pursue them and they will not have the desire to pursue. “WRONG, WRONG”-Charlie Murphy. Slim, from what I hear it gets even worst. Some women like married men because its taboo to get with one. Some women like a man that is married because it shows that they can be committed. I don’t know and will not even try to figure out a woman but I do know that a ring. If he was going at joant before he got married then he gonna be going at them while he’s married. He just got some extra bling to catch their eyes now.

3) “We aint getting no younger…….if that aint a bunch of cow cookies I don’t know what is. Dudes that think this don’t get a detailed response, just slap their kofi off and keep it moving. But lemme get this straight….So because you aren’t getting younger you’re gonna get married. I know what it is…..there must be a law that says you can’t be older than “blank” to get married. No, there’s no such law, WOW. There goes that theory. The fact that you and your mate aren’t getting younger has nothing to do with getting married. It’s apples and oranges baby.

4) “She’s been there". SO WHAT. If you want someone to be there and that’s loyal then buy a dog. If she’s been there through the good and bad that’s cool but you have to make sure that your feelings remain the same. Feelings change sometimes but don’t hang on to the fact that she’s been there as a reason to stay. You must be able retain your happiness because if you aren’t happy with the relationship you WILL NOT be happy in a marriage.

Look, I’m nobody and will not tell anyone how to run their life but at least think about the major steps you have in life. Marriage is probably the biggest one so don’t treat that decision lightly. If you still running the streets but got a good woman at home know that you’re wrong and you are doing a disservice to her. Be an adult and recognize your faults. As a man you have to come into the mind frame of being married. It is something that just has to hits you one day. Don’t let anyone or anything make that decision for you but you. Make that choice and own up to it.

Now playa to playa, pimp to pimp, I’ma tell ya what the old school niggas have taught me. The way I was taught was to do your thing whatever it is, be it faithful or not but ALWAYS take care of home first. If you have a family that depends on you take care of your responsibilities first and foremost. Your outside life, whether it is a Thursday night bowling league or a stripper named Chocolate, should never interfere with your duties. Be there for your kids first day of school or to hear your wife complain about Tasha with the bad tracks that be late everyday at work. Be a man and take care of that. What you might find out is that you won’t have time for a side piece.

I know people are gonna read this and be like “This nigga here…” but I don’t care. I’m speaking real talk. It’s hard out here and the devil is everywhere. The average man is gonna slip up every once in awhile. Jesus was the only man that lived without sin. I'm not saying to fall under temptation but know that if you do, you’re doing wrong. Do what makes YOU happy. If you wanna get married and cheat then do that. As long as you are truly happy with living that type of life and understand the consequences then HEY, its time to party baby, "where the freaks at". I just got one question for you “Is ya Happy”!!!!

For more information, hate mail or death threats, Dr. Master Portiere can be contacted at (202) 491-7057

Friday, July 21, 2006

Crabfeasts Gone Wild, Volume 1
by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Crabfeasts Gone Wild is part of the newest DVD collection being brought to you by the Stink Johnson Entertainment Group in association with Millionaires in Slippers Productions. This spectacular DVD set just dives right into summertime with an all access look at cookouts & crabfeasts and how they get down, dirty, and flat out riggity raw. The first video of your box set features the George-Mixon Family Reunion & Crabfeast of 2004.

The George-Mixon Family Reunion & Crabfeast is a family reunion, and really just a place for singles and halfway single people to hookup. Gangsta Mike Ritchie and Keneesha Mixon are shown above when the hooking up really starts to go down, after most the grandmothers have gone in. Gangsta Mike is neither a George or a Mixon, but he came with his good buddy James George who is both a Mixon and a George (despite his dual family ties this doesn't stop him from possible 3rd cousin-removed hookups, as you will see in this feature's 28th minute.) The two are seen playing a game of Russian Bobcat, basically you take shots and make that cat-hisssing noise for a minute straight.

Things got tricky once Keneesha flipped that bang up in the front of her head. There were naked charades, and the 7-member game of hide-n-go-seek in Wanda's big basement. Only removed cousins were remaining at this point, oh and Regine & Darrell were there, but they are swingers, and Darrell's only related to the George side through his 1st marriage. It went down that day, and the basement smelled to prove it. This first collection also includes the cd of the soundtrack featuring Rare Essence's "The Freaks Come Out at Night", and "Don't Look Back" by The Group Duquette. I have put the lyrics below for your sing--along pleasure.

Don't look back,
just give it here
I got something to say, but I only want your ear,
girl stay right there
I'm just gonna lean back in this chair
I just wanna tell you
You got some nappy back hair

Don't look back
just give it here, give it here
I just want to show you
that something's in the air
but first we getting in the shower
I wanna make you moan and wail
Got to wash you off baby
because your back ear smells like your tail

This soundtrack can be found at http://www.thed-siderecords.com

Thursday, July 06, 2006

As many of you have noticed, we haven't been "at it" as usual. But that should be changing back to normal soon. This site is maintained by 3 individuals. I ("Salvador Gabor") tend to contribute the most articles but, my 2 partners ("Reggie" and "Gartrelle") also contribute great work. Up until recently, we have received all positive responses on our work. But one article recently raised some eyebrows "Look its a Bent"

We don't take the comments personally but, Gartrelle felt he shouldn't "Let it ride", so the following is his response to the comments. Now, if you "get in your feelings", reconsider posting negative comments. Until then........

"Mommy, Can I Ride In the Front? Pleeease."
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

Maybe it's just in MY mind, but it seems that I've touched a nerve here. Da all time winner of the 4th annual butt Thumper competition has a special affinity for Chrysler 300's. Who knew? Well King Thumper, may I call you Sasha? I find it interesting that people are so quick to defend their MOTHER'S choice of Transportation. From the response, it appears that you are still attached to and swinging from mommy's teet. But that's cool because I hear that rabbit milk is very nutritious. Now when your mother rides past me and points at the alleged bird droppings on my door handles, were you a scrub hanging out the passenger side? Or were you in the backseat buckled in your car seat? I'm willing to bet that you were sipping a juice box and snacking on some animal crackers. (Wipe the crumbs off your bib.)

And were you in the back singing along to Heather Headley? Ironic that the song she's listening too is about a chick who gets dumped by a man but "she'll always be his lady." Judging from your blog http://www.blogger.com/profile/3575767 Sounds like your momma is always gonna be your lady because you're scared to leave her. You probably still live at home with mommy sleeping on a twin bed with Superman sheets. Don't wet the bed, Sasha. "Mommy, can you turn on my night light? I'm scared."

Now as for my vehicle of choice. A Catera? That's funny, bunny. I drive a Deville (one of three cars that I own), a big car for a grown man. But don't worry about what I'm driving, come holla at me, here's $13.50, that should cover your bus fare for the week.

To my little internet minority model friends, instead of "faking it until you make it" how about you admire it until you acquire it. Everybody wanna be a star, don't wanna be who they are. Stop trying to keep up with the Joneses and keep up with the Dow Jones.

Since y'all like to buy replica cars, (wait a minute, you didn't buy one, y'all are just defending OTHER people that did) let me be the first to hip you to the bootleg Rolls Royce Phantom, The Imperial, made by who else? Chrysler.

Chrysler: The Payless Shoe Store of the Automotive Industry

To my man Sasha Thumper, have fun on Planet Lovetron, tell the Queen I said "Get me." and tell mommy that for $350 she could have avoided the embarrassment that is you.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

By Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

All furniture owners looking to sell couches need to be ready to answer this questionaire upon buyers request.

1. How many times per week, do you sit naked on the couch?

2. If yes, to #1, how many times unbathed was your naked tail?

3. How many whole-naked sexings has your couch endured?

4. If yes to #3, how many spunk marks?

5. If #4 is applicable, how were the spunk marks removed, leather need not apply.

6. Does the couch retain a smell? Please describe, good or bad, and exact reminence.

7. Has a prior owner or operator of the couch worn a jheri curl, leather less than 5 years old need not apply if treated with Armor-All.

This knowledge has been brought to you by the "Duttweiler Foundation" also in part by Jimmy's Funeral Service and Margarite and the Step-Mother's Band

Monday, May 15, 2006

"Look, a Bent...Oh, it's just another 300"
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

"It's cool to have a Bentley, I want a Bentley." (c) Cee-Lo Green

Aight, this needs to be said once and for all. I need to address the Chrysler 300 phenomenom. That is NOT a Bentley dog! I repeat, your Chrysler 300 is not a Bentley.

I know they let you customize your new 300. Your got the 20's shining. You got the chrome mesh grill. You got a chrome gas cap and door handles. Leather heated seats. 10 disc CD changer. That's fantastic. I'm really happy for you but I'm not impressed. You know why? Because at the end of the day, you still riding in a Chrysler. Yup, the father of the Dodge.In case you didn't know Chrysler makes some terrible automobiles. It might look good, but let me see your maintenance bill in 3 years. I dare you. And another thing, how them joints only come in like 4 colors? Cream, white, black, and silver.(That mayonnaise colored "miracle whip" (c) Kanye is the most prevalent in the streets these days.)

You are driving a fake Bentley. You are worse than these broads buying Louis Vuitton purses for $35 from the Africans on K St. You bought a bootleg Bentley. That's like buying a pleather MCM outfit in 2006. That's like buying a cubic zirconium for your girl's engagement ring. Thinking to yourself, "If I drive fast enough, it'll look like a real Bentley."

Like faux fur, you got a faux Bentley. So the next time you roll up on me at a light leaning hard with your window rolled down half-way looking at me like you riding a big boy car, DON'T. I'm leaning in my 'Lac because anything less would be uncivilized, you leaning in a CHRYSLER is just uncouth.

Monday, April 24, 2006

More Than A Game
By Gartrelle W. Sexton, Esq.

“It’s spring again, everybody know it’s spring again.” © Biz Markie

Good people, the weather is warming up, birds are chirping like Nextels, and flowers are blooming. So that can only mean one thing for Black people: It’s cookout time! That’s right, it’s time to fire up the grill, throw some dogs and wings on the Weber and start a fire. Ladies are gonna have their toes out and fellas are gonna sip their Heinekens. The most asked question of the day will be, “Who made the ‘tata salad?”

But more important than the food and drinks is a very sacred cookout ritual, the SPADES game. Yes, the Blackest of all card games, Spades is a tradition. Now Spades is not a game for the weak. Spades is not for those with a short memory. Spades is not for those that can’t handle pressure. If you can’t play, don’t sit at the table. God forbid you sit at a table and don’t know how to play spades. Your Blackness will be questioned.

Many relationships and family ties have been broken over somebody reneging. Your Uncle Willie still ain’t speaking to Cousin Bobby over a renege 12 years ago? Did Ty-Ty stab Big Bruce with a plastic knife because they bumped and didn’t make their books?
Is your Aunt Trudie still mad at you for cutting her Jack of Diamonds? Does Lil’ Dre repeatedly underbid? Talking about he got “two and five possibles.” You always arguing about whether it’s “Joker, joker, deuce” or “Joker, joker, ace”? Do y’all play overs?

Spades has now become the number nine leading cause of death among Black folks just edging out choking on watermelon seeds for the top ten. Always set the rules up front. Also, I strongly encourage you to play with strangers instead of family. I don’t want to see any long simmering beefs lead to an argument during repast of Nana’s funeral. I ain’t trying to hear that Uncle Willie done pulled his pistol on Cousin Bobby talking about, “Nigga, back in ’94 we was in Trudie’s basement and you played the four of diamonds after you cut Big Bruce’s Queen of Diamonds with the six of spades! You non-spades playing muthaf@#$&*!”

In the sake of keeping the Black family strong (and out of the hospital), either play with strangers or play Uno.

Friday, March 31, 2006

by Reggie Dinkins, Jr.

Today we are helping out our lonely brethren by the 2's. There's nothing wrong with being polite, and treating a woman like she wants to be treated, but you can't always let them know that before you meet them. Let's meet 2 of the most affectionate holding-hands, nose-rubbing, and 2 of the most ticklish niggas in Alabama.

Anthiny & Carl Whitney are 2 young educated brothrs looking for love in all the wrong places. Both are graduates of Tuskegee Anthiny has a master's in English Literature, and Carl a B.S. in Electrical Engineering. Despite their education they can't seem to come up on some loving.

One Tuskegee summer, the twins were attending summer school, in a hope to maybe find a couple of friendly freshmen twins looking for romance, and a love of B.B. King. However what they came across was a coniving heavy-handed softball player named Katweeda James. Now 'Tweeda thought she was a bit of a player. She thought she could have any man and anything she wanted. Check the pose and you'll know what I mean.

'Tweeda spotted the boys as soon as she set foot on campus. She was at Tuskegee for the summer taking some classes, to try to being her GPA up in order to return to Shaw University to to play softball. 'Tweeda had an appetite for sex, much like her appetite for baby back ribs, aggressive. She caught Carl coming out of one of his summer calculus classes and she knew she had to have him. They exchanged numbers, and made a date for Friday. Here's the catch, she told them her cousin went there and they looked a little alike and her name was K. Trying to cover her back like a Mississippi snail.

She later caught Anthiny in a secluded location and got his digits. The single-elimination double dating began. Ole 'Tweeda had these niggas running to their grandma for money to spend on her. It wasnt pretty, because both twins were so wrapped up in Katweeda they didn't even realize they were dating the same girl. This almost caused a rif in the family until Carl caught 'Tweeda and Anthiny coming out of Dairy Queen. He had no doubt that it was her, because 'Tweeda had an affinity for double chocolate moose cookies and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Carl was none too tickled about this and confronted 'Tweeda. He was so hot he almost cussed, "And to think I was going to give you my Grandmomma's recipe for Dutch Cabbage!", he said. The twins poured ice cream on her and simultaneously said, "You dern 2-timing hussy!"

It was a good thing they never sexed 'Tweeda, but bad at the same time. The twins haven't loved a woman since, well we think Anthiny had sex in '98 with a metermaid named Kintarsha but we aint sure. We know they are looking for sex now. They have changed underwear to maximize their sprem count, started wearing name brand cologne, and stopped shopping in the husky section. They are still ticklish, and in need of a date, 2-timers need not apply. Call us at 301-455-3534 if you don't mind hearing a grown man laugh like a baby, napping in a hammock, or having his grandmomma call him at 5:30am to check the weather where he lives (only 2clicks from her house, but they got different news